No excuses

“One definition of a coward is simply, someone who makes a lot of excuses. Most of us have enough excuses to last a lifetime. The sooner we let go of them and get on with living, the better off we are.”

God do I hate when my bipolar rears it's ugly head. I try to keep it in check with my meds and not let it have the better of me, and I think I do a really great job of it. I don't let it become my excuse for bad behavior, or alternate behavior. I don't let mania be an excuse for treating people poorly, or depression an excuse for abandoning my friends. I don't make excuses for my behavior - I like to take responsibility for myself. Just because I have a mental illness doesn't give me license.

And I remember all these things, even when my symptoms start presenting themselves. I suppose it's a good thing to have them every now and again so I can remind myself why I take medications and how hard I really do fight to be "normal." I try hard to be a good person. I try to be optimistic and loving. I try really hard, all the time. And sometimes I just can't do it anymore. I know it's the lack of the meds that's doing it this time. Is that an excuse? Can I start acting depressed? No. But is it honest to hide how I'm feeling? Shouldn't I tell the person I'm living with, or people I'm interacting with? No. I'm really good at faking happy. I can do it a little longer till the meds come.

Ugh, I hate feeling like this. I feel so vulnerable and weak. I feel like any arrow, not even a well aimed one, could seriously hurt me right now. I just need to curl up and do nothing till this blows over. What a week to need to be alone. My entire family is in town. I won't get any alone time. Half this post was spent answering questions and then trying to get my typing groove back.