Homesick

Going to so many interviews they all ask how I liked living out on the other coast. "I loved it," I'll say, and then talk about why I came home. Like I had a choice. The more I have to talk about it, the more I'm really "homesick" for that place. I miss those people. I miss my apartment. I miss my dog, the beach, the wineries, the city, the adventures I used to have.

But I know some of it is being sad for my loss of independence. To me, now, that time in my life reflects a period where I was able to form boundaries from my family. I was able to become an adult - to grow up. And now I've regressed. I'm living at home and I'm stuck here, like a child.

So, yeah, I miss it. I'm pissed that I had to leave like I did. I'm pissed that I have to be here still after 6 months. I'm stressed about all of it and I just want my life back.

What your doctor doesn't know

"Then, his goal was to help his patients become happy and fulfilled; now, it is just to keep them functional."

A great article by the New York Times on how psychiatry has become a pill farm instead of the talk therapy it once was. I totally identify, as I'm sure you do. I see my doc maybe once every 6 months, more if I'm in crisis, and I see him for 10 - 15 minutes. I tell him I feel _____ and he flips out the prescription pad.

If I could see him an hour a week, or even once a month for 30 minutes, the man might know what's going on with me and be better able to craft my med cocktail. But instead, he has to rely on what blanks I can fill in. And I'm an informed consumer who doesn't lie to my docs. What about other people who don't know what are symptoms? Who don't know what to look for? How does the doctor know what to prescribe?

It all scares me, honestly. No wonder so many people are on meds. Psychiatry is quick on it's way to becoming sham medicine.

A man walks into a docs office....

"'Our data suggest that a person who walks into a physician's office feeling sad will tend to recall experiencing more symptoms than they probably really did,' Suls said. 'If a person comes into the physician's office feeling fearful, they're more likely to scan their body and read any sensations they're experiencing at that moment as something wrong.'"

Apparently, you're neurotic, too. People with depression and anxiety often experience their symptoms in a physical sense. People with depression recall having had more symptoms than they probably did, and people with anxiety think they have it all right now. Interesting, huh? So when you go to the doctor with that constant "migraine" it might just be your depressive memory saying, "damn, I've had this headache for millions of years and it was so bad I couldn't think." I know I tell myself I have all sorts of diseases and syndromes (I'm totally a hypochondriac), but I tend not to report the bodily symptoms to the doc. I like to tough them out. I'm not saying it's smart, it's just what I do.

Anyway, it's always good to keep track of those things. Write it all down. How were you feeling today? Is it depression? Anxiety? Side effects? You never can tell, but it's good to have a record.

A raise of confidence

So I think my interview up north went well. It was freezing there, but that's fine by me. I'd rather cold weather than hot. I met with 6 people in 4 different meetings throughout the afternoon. I met with the women who would be my boss and her boss, and the people I would be managing. They all seemed like interesting and nice folks, and the people I would be managing showed just how frustrated they are. It would be my job to raise morale a bit, and make their lives a little easier. I think I could do it. I'm really good at fighting for what I think is right and supporting other people. I think that would translate into great management.

And then I lose my confidence for a minute and freak out. I checked the job boards this morning and that job popped up as recently posted. I don't know if that's a sign, or if HR just posted it not knowing I'd come in already. But it makes me nervous. So I applied to 3 more jobs just in case.

The other job around here I should hear from this week, and I hope they say no. I really don't want to work there, but I feel like I can't turn it down. I'm getting back to settled in this life (as in, I've stopped freaking out that I have to get out of here now), and so I hope I can be a little picky. I don't want a job I don't even like going into it.

What to do?

A gene discovered

Why does the news media not care? This is huge! They found a gene that may have something to do with bipolar disorder:

"Our results provide strong evidence that genetic variation in the gene NCAN is a common risk factor for bipolar disorder," concludes Dr. Cichon. "Further work is needed now to learn more about the biological processes that NCAN is involved in and how NCAN variants disturb neuronal processes in patients with bipolar disorder."

There's your genetic testing and all sorts of moral questions right there. Should we test for it? What does it mean? Does it effect treatments? Can they do specifically tailored treatments for the gene? If you present with symptoms and yet don't have the gene can you be diagnosed bipolar? If not, what are you?

So many questions, and they'll never be satisfactory answers, methinks.

Why am I so sleepy?

I wonder if it's the weather. Or traveling. Sometimes traveling makes me tired. All I want to do is nap, and I can nap. I can actually lie down and fall asleep for an hour and then be fine, but within 3 hours I'm tired again. It could be the Celexa or even the Abilify. Though I figure the side effects should have worn off by now. It's been a month. And it's only random tiredness. Some days I'm fine. But I'm tired more often than not.

But, of course, I can't sleep at night. I mean, I sleep, but it takes me hours to fall asleep. In the middle of the day I'm out like a light, but at night I just lie there and think. Perhaps that's the real reason I'm tired when I get up. And of course, I've messed up my entire sleep system now. Sigh.

Go ahead, take that nap

"...participants who slept for at least 45 minutes during the day had lower average blood pressure after psychological stress than those who did not sleep."

Finally, proof to what I've known all along: naps are good for you! We should institute nap time at work. Siestas. Just a little 30 minutes around 2pm where we could all take some time to snooze. I think it would increase worker productivity by yards. I know I would be more productive after a nap. And now we have proof that we'd all be healthier, too!

Do it anyway

Scientists have developed a new mouse model to test how SSRIs work. "Many antidepressants have been shown to target other proteins besides the serotonin transporter and … their efficacy in treating depression takes many weeks to develop." So basically, they still know nothing.

Doctors don't really know how or why the drugs work, they just seem to do something. They're still not really sure about lithium, and it's been used for hysteria for centuries.

The brain is a funny thing? So why do we mess with it? Why pour in fabricated chemical models that we don't know what they do? Why take meds? Because they do work (most of the time), and anything is better than the horrible depression. If you know what I mean, you know why you take meds. Nothing is worse than that black hole, that impermeable fortress of death. Yuck. Yay science!

Flying in

I'm feeling nervous about tomorrows interview, so I bought some shoes. I know, I know. I'm unemployed and my state check hasn't come yet, so I'm broke, but shoes make everything better. They're cute little pumps in a light grey color that will nicely compliment a few pieces I have. I swear, I looked in my closet first to see what I "needed." Granted, 90% of my shoes are in storage, but I went by memory. I also got some brown flats. I have grey and black, and you can never have too many flats.

I'm flying up north tomorrow for the interview and I've really put a lot of psychic energy into it. I don't want the job I interviewed for yesterday. Well, I'll take it, but I'm not quite sure it's the best fit. But hell, sometimes you never know. It could be the best job ever.

But this job up north seems like a better job, though the pay is probably less. I would get to move to a new city where I know a couple people and spread my wings again. I feel so stifled here, like I already have a persona and I need to live up (or down) to it. I feel like people think they know me and expect certain behaviors. I just want to be me. I want to throw parties for random holidays. I want to stay in and, well, can't cuddle with the dog anymore, but you know, watch baseball or something.

So I have a lot riding on how much they like me, and how quickly they can move. I think I'll hear from the other place next week or the week after, and so it's going to be a big decision. I'm not sure they'll take me, but if they ask I'll have to say yes. I need out of this apartment, whether it's one town up or 4 states.

Are you a Coke addict?

"His Diet Pepsi cravings stem from a prior addiction to nicotine, not caffeine. 'It's all tied to smoking,' says Bagi, who smoked a pack a day for 20 years and started drinking diet soda to mask the aftertaste of cigarettes. He eventually kicked the smoking habit -- but the Diet Pepsi one stuck."

Ok, honestly, read the whole article. It's interesting all the ways diet soda may be addicting. Caffeine, conditioning, the sugar rush that's just out of reach. All these things could lead to addiction.

I'm going to admit something here: I don't have an addiction. I haven't had a diet Coke today, and I wasn't planning on having one. If I run out I often don't notice for days. But I do like them. I enjoy drinking them, and will order one over water any day. I think the problem with me is I don't like water. It's boring. So I'll drink coffee or diet Coke, or even orange juice, over water.

I only started really drinking soda when I quit drinking booze. It was just a substitute. Something to hold in my hands. And I kept it up because it's convenient and has no calories. I would honestly rather have fruit juice but it has too many calories.

It's all about the dopamine

"We have believed that dopamine was always engaged in reward and processing the hedonic feeling," Tsien said. "What we have found is that dopamine neurons also are stimulated or respond to negative events."

I love the example they use: "Eating chocolate or falling off a building -- or just the thought of either -- can evoke production of dopamine." Yes, falling off a building would be a negative event. Scientists are so great. The language alone is worth reading white papers.

Anyway, so this could explain addiction. You might not get the great effect from the drug anymore, but your brain gets that dose of dopamine. And that's what it really wants - to be soaked in dopamine. Just in case you missed the millions of times we've talked about dopamine, what it is is a neurotransmitter in the brain, basically bringing the good (or now bad) feelings and increasing heart rate. It's that internal drug that gives you the rush feeling.

Why do we seek out that rush? That soak of dopamine? People do it in drugs and alcohol, sex, food, or even extreme sports. But why? Cause it feels good. It makes you laugh sometimes when you've avoided falling off that building. It makes you feel extra-relaxed after. We seek out things that feel good. And why not?

Eat the Kit Kat

Do these pictures look the same to you? They do to me, too, but the study says there's a radical difference. I'll leave it to the scientists to interpret.

So, "In binge eaters but not ordinary obese subjects, the mere sight or smell of favorite foods triggers a spike in dopamine." That's right, kids, it's back to dopamine! That means when I see those Cadbury Eggs in the freezer my dopamine levels go sky high. I wonder what the normal reaction is when you're just plain hungry. Probably dopamine, too. But those of us who happen to eat too much at one time have a bigger spike in dopamine.

Pump up the volume

Maybe lithium can really help you. Apparently, certain areas of the brain lose volume if you have bipolar. Lithium might be able to bring volume up to normal levels. Who knows? You would think that would be big news, but I found it buried. Whatever, right? No one cares about brain volume. Not sexy.

Birthday planning begins

"I think it would be nice, but I'm scared I'm going to hurt myself."

"I think you should go."

What the hell kind of therapy is that? Emily's parents have a beach house they said I could use, so I was thinking of going there for my birthday. Just go dip my toes in the ocean and have a few days completely alone. But it scares me. To be somewhere no one can get to me, 2 hours away, alone. I feel like it's a perfect opportunity to kill myself. Just wander out into the ocean and not come back. It scares me.

I asked Julie about it, and she thinks I should go. I think she's insane. I told my mom I was going to go, and she sent me an email entitled "Red Flags." Even the crazy person thought it was a bad idea to spend my birthday alone at the beach.

So I signed myself up for a spa day instead. I booked a mud wrap, massage, manicure, and pedicure. I'm going to get all relaxed and prettied up and hope that someone will take me out to dinner. Or screw them all - I'll take myself out to dinner. I need to think of a good restaurant. I don't care if it's expensive. I want to have a nice day.

Serotonin syndrome

Never look up the drug interactions for stuff you're taking. It just leads to paranoia. Apparently, lithium and Celexa together can increase your risk for serotonin syndrome. What the hell is that? You say. It sounds awful, and can kill you, but it's basically just overdose. So how do you avoid it? Keep those levels of lithium in check and monitor your symptoms.

I'm not going to check out the interactions between Celexa and anything else. I have a feeling I shouldn't be taking stuff like Benedryl, but I do love Benedryl. It's the only thing that keeps me sane in the spring. I'll just have to watch for signs of something ominous.

Lithium in the body

I was sitting here wondering if lithium has an effect on the liver, and I came across an interesting discussion on lithium and alcohol. Apparently the only real effect it has is that you can get dehydrated by alcohol and that can raise the lithium levels in your body. So basically, stay hydrated.

It's funny; the last time I was on lithium I was taking LSD about once a week and smoking pot as much as possible. I never combined lithium and LSD on the same day (I usually didn't take my meds on the weekends), because I was afraid of what would happen. The one time I forgot and combined them I almost died. I suppose it was smart of me to not combine. Now, I have so many drugs to think about and no illegals to combine with.

Oh, and no, lithium works through the kidneys. It's a salt (duh), and comes and goes through the renal system. They check your thyroid and kidneys for functioning because it works through both of those and can have dangerous side effects.

The thyroid part of that really makes me nervous. Both my mom and my dad's mom have thyroid problems, so I'm guessing it's just a matter of time before mine goes haywire. And of course, I have to take the drug that messes with it.

Lessons learned in therapy

And that's another thing: I'm ok with me. Julie keeps saying, "You're the most well-adjusted person I know. What are you doing in therapy?" I honestly don't know. I think I'm just lonely and don't trust people.

Ohh, there's a biggie. I don't trust people. I don't want to let anyone in to know the real stuff going on inside. If I read the blog I'd probably realize it's not as bad as my brain makes it out to be, but I always worry people are going to judge me. I don't care if a therapist judges me. Her job is to just listen and comment, and she does it. Although Julie is a little obsessed with making good changes in my life. She's big into getting me some friends. I feel bad for her. I'm an isolating person.... I'm just bad at getting out there. I'd rather be at home.

But, I'm also an extrovert. I go out all the time, apparently. I just looked over my calender and last month I did a lot of stuff, or planned on it and couldn't find dates. Whatever. See? People suck.

Lessons learned from being sober

"...then we can sit in the kitchen and drink mimosas, though I doubt you'll do it."

Was that a challenge or is she recognizing what I am? I told you I'm not going to restrict myself to not drinking after my one year. I think I've learned a lot of valuable lessons:

1. Just because it's there doesn't mean you have to drink it
2. You can drink one and then switch to non-alcoholic
3. You can celebrate without alcohol

I think these were things I needed to learn. Lessons that will take me far. I've also had a peek at AA and learned a lot about what the program is and isn't. It's a great program, and I think it does a lot to compliment life changes. AA is somewhere you can go with like-minded folks and deal with the ups and downs of alcoholism and all that comes with it. It's like group therapy, though no commenting on other people's issues.

But I think I'm good. I haven't had much luck finding "like" folks in AA; people I can really relate to. People seem to have a lot worse luck with alcohol than me. So I think I'll be ok with the occasional drink. A glass of wine here, a beer there. And now I know I can go without when I have to drive. I'm not going to set all sorts of perimeters for myself, I'm just going to say it's ok.

But Diane thinks I won't do it. "I think you like not drinking." And you know what? She's right. I kind of like not being drunk. I've also realized that my personality is the same. I'm still the wacky, do it on a dare kind of person, drunk or sober. I have the courage to do anything and I never needed alcohol to get me to that point. It's not like I ever used it that way, but it's just nice to observe that you're the same person drunk or sober.

More from Post Secret

Get yer ass outdoors

Well, you knew it all along. The treadmill gets a bad rap for a reason. "Compared with exercising indoors, exercising in natural environments was associated with greater feelings of revitalisation, increased energy and positive engagement, together with decreases in tension, confusion, anger and depression." That's right, not only do you get the benefits of exercising by doing it outdoors, but you're more likely to be happier afterwards than your treadmill cousins.

Do you think this will encourage me? Well, I'm so out of shape now that I worry about running outside. Will I have the energy to get back home? I always push myself and then drag-ass back home. Should I take it outside? The treadmill sure is boring. But I've been on it every other day for a week. It's getting to be a habit, almost.