I remember

9/11 still gets to me. It's one of the things that causes a lot of anxiety for me. I can't look at the pictures, or watch the reruns of the news coverage from that day. I couldn't watch that day as the towers fell and the Pentagon smoked. I couldn't stand with the rest of the students in front of that bank of tvs watching the world change.

I had been in Judaism class when someone got a phone call. She ran out of the room screaming for her mom. It seems her mom had been working in the Pentagon. I never found out if she lived or not. The teacher didn't know what was happening, but wouldn't let us panic - he just kept on teaching. When he finally released us, the news was everywhere.

I stood in line 20 miles from my home at my college and waited my turn to use the payphone to call my dad. He worked in DC at the time, and I heard the government was being evacuated. I waited, and waited, and then couldn't get a hold of him. My boyfriend at the time was in the Army and called down to the Pentagon to help remove bodies from the rubble. He ended up being quarantined for a week because of a ripped body bag.

It took me a day or so to get home. Luckily Diane lived near my college, so I was able to stay with her, but there was no way they were opening up the highway to let me go home. We could see the smoke rising from the Pentagon, and smell it. Oh, what an awful smell that was!

So I can't stand this time of year when they recap everything again, and again. I can't look at the newspapers or their websites. I just can't see it all again.

Maybe tomorrow I'll take a Seroquel and wait for the day to be over.

Get off my lawn!

I'm a crotchedy old badger, now. I just called the cops on some kids who were smoking pot in my neighbors' yard. My neighbor is in the hospital, and I've seen them back there three days in a row, now. I chased them off the other day, and one of them had a wad of money in his hand. Teenagers.

I remember when I used to smoke pot. I hid under the overpass or in the forest. I wasn't out in the daylight where people could smell and see me! Jesus. Kids are stupid these days. Besides, you have to learn to talk to cops, just in case you are ever in real trouble. He let them all go, but man did they jump when he walked in the yard! I heard one guy spook.

This is what we do in small towns on a Friday night.

Step four in baby steps

In step four "We are trying to free ourselves of living in old, useless patterns. We take the Fourth Step to gain the necessary strength and insight which enables us to grow."

I'm still on step four, making my inventory. I've got about 8 pages or more of crap that bugs me, and most of it is about myself. Things I've done that I regret or wonder why I did it. Things that stick in my mind. I'm also only on column 2, writing down what I resent.

I wish my sponsor was more responsive. I want to do the third and fourth columns eventually, and she's just not around to do them with me. I don't want to go this process alone, which is why you get a sponsor in the first place, right? I also don't want to start all over with someone new, yet. I want to at least finish my fourth step the first time before I start all over again. I'm going to call her this week and see if she can meet. She's moving this weekend, so I know that's out.

World Wide Suicide Prevention Day

Susan over at If You're Going Through Hell just reminded me that it's World Wide Suicide Prevention Day. There are a lot of good resources out there (some on the sidebar) that can help you when you're so down you feel that's the only out.

It never is. You just end up hurting other people whether you succeed or not. I remember when I tried to kill myself the only images that haunt me are of Adam and Angela. I was in the room with the doctor testing my finger and palm movement to make sure I didn't do any irreparable damage, and Adam was standing behind me. I knew he didn't want me to know, but I could hear him crying. It broke my heart. Angela just stood there stunned, hoping she could do something. Neither said a word, but I knew they would never forget that moment, either.

A few minutes later, visiting time was over and they had to leave. As they walked down the corridor to the exit, I began to cry. I was trying to stay strong and not look like the mess I really was. The moment the doors closed I fell to my knees and fell apart. All I had done was hurt the people that loved me the most, and trying to kill myself hadn't solved anything.

So if you're in that spot, just think about all the life you could live, and how you will come out of this depression. Call your doctor. Call a friend. Reach out to someone, even if it's just a suicide hotline. They are really helpful, too. And if you think you can't make it, get to your nearest hospital. Hang in there. You're worth it.

Are you living the life you want to live?

Life is short. Are you living the life you want to live, or are you waiting for something?

So far this year has been the best of my life. I've taken action and not waited for things to happen to me. I've been to Europe, changed my hair, gotten sober, and now I'm working on the dream of moving home. It really has been the best year ever, and I'm content with all that's happened. And it's happened because I found a goal and worked towards it, instead of waiting around for something interesting to come along, or sat around worrying about things. I've been where my feet are.

Sometimes people worry too much about the little things, or even the big things, and it prevents them from living life to the fullest. You can never wait till everything is perfect, or even right, because nothing will ever be perfect. You just have to decide what you want and take a leap of faith. If it's meant to be, it'll happen. And if not, there's always a lesson there.

Urban areas make you crazy

Living in an urban situation brings out the schizophrenia in people.

"An association between urbanicity and nonaffective psychosis was explained by higher-level characteristics, primarily school-level social fragmentation." The authors "observed cross-level markers of ethnicity, social fragmentation and deprivation on risk of developing any psychotic disorder, all with qualitative patterns of interaction."

Living without the community support of a smaller town seems to exacerbate the problems associated with mental disorders. This makes sense, seeing as people who are more socially connected are more likely to get help earlier for their disorders because people are watching.

Urban living is lonely. I remember when I moved here, it took me 8 months to meet anyone, and over a year to make any actual friends. My cousin just moved to the NW and is lonely as hell. I grew up in a large city, but it still felt small because I knew everyone from school or family. I have a large family there, and so it's like living in a small town. I can't wait to get back to it.

Your lungs are trying to kill you, too

It's not the chemicals in cigarettes that give you emphysema, it's your own body attacking the chemicals.

"Neutrophils are powerful at fighting infection, but if left unchecked, they can cause damage to our own bodies....We know that their persistence contributes to the development and severity of many chronic lung diseases such as chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and cystic fibrosis."

Your lungs try to fight off the smoke invaders and do "collateral damage" to themselves in the process. One more reason to quit smoking. Emphysema doesn't run in my family, but of course all the smokers died early of cirrhosis and other alcohol related problems, so I don't really know. Genetics has a big part in getting COPD (emphysema and bronchitis), so we'll see. I've never had bronchitis before, and I had pneumonia once when I was in fourth grade, so I think despite the smoking my lungs are pretty strong. Imagine how much stronger they'll be once I quit! If I can only do it....

Add to my collection

I think I'm developing a shoe addiction, too. I have a bunch of shoes, and tend to wear the same three pairs. A lot of them are too high for work, and I never get to go anywhere fun where I can wear my shoes. I'm just going to have to start wearing them around the house. These are the shoes I bought today. Perfect for work and under pants! They look like men's trouser shoes, but with a cute heel. I also bought more boots. I got grey booties this time. I have 3 pair of brown boots, one black, and two red. I figured I needed grey.

Once an addict, always an addict.

Check up

On some of the blogs I read (see sidebar) there's been a lot of depression lately, so I just wanted to provide a check in.

I feel fine! Not great, not low, just fine. I feel almost normal, whatever that is. I think I'm getting sick, but not depression sick, just flu sick. Which is probably from camping in 36 degree weather. I'm also getting a little impatient about this job thing. Another 2 weeks? Seriously? That puts me into October to get back home, but it also puts me at 5 months sober, which is a good thing.

This feeling of stability is new to me. I'm not used to feeling just normal, and it kind of scares me. Where's the up? Where's the down? Is this what life feels like? I kinda like it. I can laugh at funny things, and want to cry at sad things, and not have to do one or the other. I hope this feeling lasts for a long time.

Why is all news so depressing?

Now those sleeping pills can kill you, too.

"Both sleeping pills and anti-anxiety drugs can affect a person's alertness and co-ordination, which could make them more prone to falls and other accidents.

Another theory is that they interfere with the breathing system and affect any breathing problems as the person sleeps.

The medicines also work on the central nervous system, possibly increasing the risk of suicide."

We all knew there was an increased risk of suicide in anti-anxiety drugs, as there is in most drugs people take for depression, which just doesn't make any sense whatsoever. But now sleeping pills might be responsible for premature death.

I take Seroquel when I'm super anxious, and it does effect my coordination and sometimes makes me sleepy on the road. This could lead to all sorts of fatal falls and accidents, which is why I only take it occasionally. There's got to be something else out there that won't put me to sleep when I'm anxious, or make me loopy, but I suppose that's the part of the brain they work on.

It all melts the brain

You've all seen the beer belly, that incredibly large protuberance on heavy drinking men. And sometimes women. Well, apparently, that increase in body mass index (BMI) can lead to worse cognitive function. And of course, those of us that are fat and smoke have the worst brains of all.

"In previous studies, we have shown that alcoholics who smoke cigarettes have greater brain injury than nonsmoking alcoholics. This new study suggests that a high BMI, independent of drinking and smoking, is also associated with brain injury."

Your brain is such a delicate little thing. Introducing random chemicals and even changing your body's levels of cholesterols and such changes the way your brain functions. The human body is just amazing.

A tax on your drink

In San Francisco "alcohol costs the city $17.7 million in ambulance, treatment, prevention and hospital services. This figure does not even include police and other nuisance costs to the city from excessive drinking."

Wow, that's a ton of money in ambulances and other services. Who knew alcohol could be so expensive? So SF is proposing a tax of about a nickel per drink which would then go to the city's emergency response systems to treat alcohol abuse. Good idea or unfair tax on business? You decide.

Another reason to get back on the treadmill

"Besides burning calories, exercise restores the sensitivity of neurons involved in the control of satiety (feeling full), which in turn contributes to reduced food intake and consequently weight loss."

Sigh. The gym reopened on Monday, and I still haven't been up (it's only Wednesday). I did hike 14 miles up and then down a mountain last weekend, and ran every weekend before that, so that's something. But one workout a week isn't going to cut it. I keep telling myself I'm going to do it. I make up little scenarios in my head. "Get up, run, shower, go to work." Ennnt. Not gonna happen. "Go to work, run, eat lunch." Sigh. Not happening. I'm so hungry lately, but I know working out will make me more, and then less hungry. Apparently it will make me realize I'm full, as well.

Anyway, off to go get a burrito for lunch. And not work out.

104 days in a row

It's been 104 days since I quit drinking. It's September, that was May, so I've spent an entire summer sober. I've been through camping trips, pool parties, holidays, and more, and I haven't had to drink at any of them. I've flown, and had stress, and done all the other things I used to do while drinking - and I haven't. How amazing. How amazing that one can live their life free of alcohol and still have a good time? Who knew I could still be fun to be around, and others could be, too. Who knew just how much I influenced my friends drinking. They've all started drinking less, or less often. I believe I was the instigator, which is common in alcoholics. "Drink with me!"

104 days. That's almost a third of a year. That's the longest I think I've ever been without some sort of illegal drug or alcohol in my system. And everything is clearer now. My thoughts are clearer, my skin is clearer, my senses are clearer. It really was like a fog was lifted from me. It doesn't mean I enjoy it all the time; hiding from your emotions is just part of my programming; but now I get that choice, and I choose to deal with life.

Poor little fruit flies

Last night my mom told me glaucoma runs in her dad's side of the family, but she doesn't know what diseases run in her mom's side, since they all died young of cirrhosis of the liver. Well, at least I'll probably avoid the cirrhosis thing. Now more good news: avid coffee drinkers and smokers have a lower risk of Parkinson’s disease. Wahoo!

They have no idea why, and it's not the caffeine or the nicotine, but something else in these substances actually helps your dopamine live longer, which expands your life. Hooray! It's not like I was actually thinking about giving up coffee - lordy, that would be the day - but at least while I'm still smoking I can say it's doing one good thing for me.

I'm kind of sick of it. I smoke just because it's there, now, not cause I really want one. I don't know how to quit. It's just like alcohol! I just have to put them down. Jesus, if quitting booze had been this hard I couldn't have done it.

Jump!

Another great look into the genetics of drinking. They found that mice (again, poor mice) that were genetically bread to be impulsive (seeking quick rewards over delayed gratification) were more likely to drink, and to extreme. But here's the good stuff:

"Our data can clearly be extrapolated to humans and strongly suggests that impulsivity contributes to high alcohol drinking. Consequently, the diagnosis of any disorder associated with impulsivity, such as attention deficit disorder or bipolar disorder, is cause for concern about future problems with alcoholism."

That's right, us impulsive people are more likely to turn to alcohol. I am so impatient and totally impulsive. I like to jump, rather than think. When I have too much time to think I just get nervous and stressed, and I always go with my first instinct, anyway, so there's no point in waiting.

Ah, but I have to wait. There are things, like life, that work on someone else's timetable. Like this job. I just had another interview, this would be #4, and then they tell me they won't get back to me for two weeks. The lady I would be working for is out next week, so it'll be the week after. Argh! I can't wait to hear. I have so much to do. And I have a big event coming up at work, so the longer I have to get things done for it. Which is probably good, but I'm ready to not have it on my plate anymore. I like events, but my boss is impossible to please, and so it seems futile to try hard. Blech.

The young and the drunk

"The age at which a person takes a first drink may influence genes linked to alcoholism, making the youngest drinkers the most susceptible to severe problems."

I can't remember how old I was, but I remember being young, and standing on all the winter coats to reach up into the closet and pull down the Frangelico and the vodka. I tried them, and loved the taste and smell. I eventually drank my way through most of the closet, and because my parents didn't drink, they never noticed. I even asked my dad recently if he noticed and he sounded surprised and said no.

I used to keep a flask of Jack Daniels in my desk at school, and pour a shot into my diet Pepsi (It was Pepsi back then) during study hall. I figured no one could smell it, and no one ever said anything. Of course, I shared with my roommate. I was her supplier of drugs and alcohol. To this day I cannot remember where I got the alcohol in the first place.

So perhaps drinking so young is what got me in trouble in the first place. Or perhaps I'm genetically programmed to drink too much. Or perhaps I'm just a lush. Whatever it is, I feel better having stopped.

It's all in your genes

Apparently having the gene for drinking other people under the table, and the gene for alcohol dependence aren't necessarily linked.

"Individuals with a set of genes that predisposes them to drink moderate amounts of alcohol may still have the genetic predisposition to lose control over their drinking behavior, and perhaps become alcohol dependent. Conversely, individuals with a genetic predisposition to drink high amounts of alcohol may not have the genes that predispose them to become dependent."

But another thing they found was interesting to me, too.

"They found that the rats' drinking behavior was linked to the pleasure and reward pathways in the brain and also linked to some of the same genetic systems that control satiety and appetite for food."

Is this why we have a propensity to eat and drink and be merry in large quantities? I mean, I can't stop drinking when I start, and I can't stop eating, either. Is my body predisposed to not recognize fullness because I have a gene that let's me drink more than others? Is there a gene for abstinence? Such interesting studies I keep coming across.

The smell of booze

Another good study kind of confirms what a lot of us already knew: just smelling alcohol leads to a craving.

"After repeatedly drinking alcohol, individuals learn to associate alcohol's appearance, taste and smell with its intoxicating properties," they say. They compare it to Pavlov's dogs. We condition ourselves to associate the smell of alcohol with pleasure feelings, and therefore get a craving to drink.

Since I quit smoking alcohol smells gross to me. I mean, a glass of wine passed under my nose makes me want one, but alcohol in a bar or on someone's breath just smells nasty. I can't believe the smell! Bars especially smell like someone's dirty socks. I don't know if I could ever eat in a bar again. Just that smell of stale beer. And when someone is talking to me after they've drunk, I just want to hold my breath. So maybe I don't have that gene, which would be nice.

Speaking to the crowd

So guess who was a speaker at a meeting today? That's right, me. I had to get up there and share what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. I got a couple of laughs, but I think my story is so boring. "Drank, blacked out, drank, drugged, blacked out, stopped." But apparently I chose a topic everyone needed to talk about: honesty.

I always thought I was an honest person. I omitted a lot of stuff, yeah, but not everyone needs to know everything. I still think I'm pretty honest, if sometimes to a fault. I tend not to sugarcoat things, and just blurt them out instead. When I do lie, it's just little things like when people ask how are you, or I'll embellish a story a tad just to make it more interesting. But they're not big lies.

I've been looking for them, too. I talked to my sponsor and told her about the lies I tell, and she laughed at me. "Those aren't really lies," she said. I suppose I just have a harsh view of myself and am a little too much of a perfectionist.

So my first experience up in the front of the room went well. Ben said someone else is going to ask me soon, so apparently I'm going to get a lot of practice!

Bears!

Had a great time in Montana and Canada. If you don't know where Glacier National Park is, it's in NW Montana up on the Canadian border. Glacier and Canada's Waterton Park make up the International Peace Park, the first of it's kind. Glacier was started in 1916, before the National Park Service. It was one of the first to be incorporated into the service.

They have these little red (big) buses which roll around the park with the top down and give you different tours. We took the one to Canada, and got to have lunch in the Prince of Wales hotel in Waterton, which is a huge old chalet, which reminded me of Switzerland. The mountains are huge, and covered in snow. It snowed while we were in Canada, big chunks of white, and then rained in Montana on our tour.

We camped in my little four season tent, and when it was 36 degrees at night we froze.

When we got there we picked up our rental car and the guy said, "Oh, do you have bear spray? You know, bears are out there in the park looking for food this time of year." We laughed, and he said, no, really. Then we went to the supermarket and the guy said, "Sorry we don't sell bear spray." We laughed again, thinking these people were just trying to scare us, and he said, no, really. "You should carry bear spray, unless you have a gun. If you see a grizzly just curl up in a ball on the ground and protect your head and neck, but a black bear you can fight off."

Bears! So we saw a grizzly and her two cubs on the red bus tour. They were frolicking on the side of the road. But no bears in the camp ground. Well, actually, I was driving back from the ranger station after I went to get more newspaper, and I didn't have my contacts on, but I saw something that looked like a lost golden retriever. I think it was a black bear. They come in cinnamon, they say.

We took a hike up to Dawson's pass, which was 7 miles straight up a mountain. There was a loop that went to the next peak and then back to our car, but it was about a foot wide and 2,450 feet down. Michael got a little vertigo, so we went back the way we came. 7 miles back down the mountain. My legs are killing me.

The whole time we camped, Michael drank. Well, not the whole time, but you get the point. And I didn't. Just talking to him after he'd had a couple beers and smelling it on his breath made me want to vomit. But I did also want to join in. Instead, I drank a 24 pack of diet Coke. Not bad for three days and sharing it with him. He was worried he was a drunk, and stuck to about 4 beers a night. I asked why he wasn't drinking that much, and he said it's because I used to egg him on and he was just keeping up. Oops.

So all in all, a great time in Montana. And no bear attack!