A manic ramble

I'm still up, trying to stop myself from posting on Facebook or embarrassing myself in any way. All I want to do is scream, or run in circles, or do SOMETHING. I want to call people, or drive somewhere, talk to someone, freak out, call my doctor, call my sponsor, call my man. But it's 6 am and I've been awake since 10am yesterday, and I've had too much caffeine, and I'm manic, and I'm CRAZY and I have to go to work in 20 minutes. And then school. And my man will be there, to see me in all my crazy ass glory - fully developed mania and caffeine induced shakes. And I want a DRINK because it will make this stop, but I know, KNOW, it will make it worse. I will lose everything if I drink. I have to fight my mind and my ancient alcoholic urges to hide and self-medicate and fix things and just give it up to God. His will be my own. To see me in this state is to see me as I am sometimes, and hopefully God won't let me fail or make an ass of myself. As long as I don't speak in class and just get the hell out of there as soon as possible... I need to call my doctor again. Not having meds is unacceptable and dangerous. I need to find a sponsor and call her. I need, I need. I need to ramble a bit more on here. It's like I'm getting the energy out in my fingertips and it's soothing....

I hate mania! I hate that it has gotten this far! It's not even a productive mania! I can't read, I can't write my paper, I'm just frazzled and shaking and full of racing thoughts. I don't even know if I should take my Abilify or if that will make it worse.... FUCK FUCK I hate this. Breathe....