A manic ramble

I'm still up, trying to stop myself from posting on Facebook or embarrassing myself in any way. All I want to do is scream, or run in circles, or do SOMETHING. I want to call people, or drive somewhere, talk to someone, freak out, call my doctor, call my sponsor, call my man. But it's 6 am and I've been awake since 10am yesterday, and I've had too much caffeine, and I'm manic, and I'm CRAZY and I have to go to work in 20 minutes. And then school. And my man will be there, to see me in all my crazy ass glory - fully developed mania and caffeine induced shakes. And I want a DRINK because it will make this stop, but I know, KNOW, it will make it worse. I will lose everything if I drink. I have to fight my mind and my ancient alcoholic urges to hide and self-medicate and fix things and just give it up to God. His will be my own. To see me in this state is to see me as I am sometimes, and hopefully God won't let me fail or make an ass of myself. As long as I don't speak in class and just get the hell out of there as soon as possible... I need to call my doctor again. Not having meds is unacceptable and dangerous. I need to find a sponsor and call her. I need, I need. I need to ramble a bit more on here. It's like I'm getting the energy out in my fingertips and it's soothing....

I hate mania! I hate that it has gotten this far! It's not even a productive mania! I can't read, I can't write my paper, I'm just frazzled and shaking and full of racing thoughts. I don't even know if I should take my Abilify or if that will make it worse.... FUCK FUCK I hate this. Breathe....

Officially manic

That is all.

Brought to you by diet Coke

I just chatted with Adam and one of his first questions was, are you manic? Huh. Yeah. I think so. I think it's a combination of a lot of things. My meds are wacky because I'm taking only half my pills... I need to preserve them so I don't run out. I'm crabby, and I'm scared. I'm scared of leaving the coast where my family will take me in and HAS to help me out, to the coast where my friends don't have to let me in. I need to find a place to live that's my own, even if I'm sharing it with others. I don't feel comfortable couch surfing for very long. I didn't even like doing it with relatives.

Everything is still so up in the air. I have job interviews all over the country, but what if nothing pans out? What if something DOES pan out? I want to take this roadtrip, but I'm nervous about it being interrupted. I finally have given myself license to just take off, and what if I get a job? It would be ironic to get one now.

There are so many things I need to think about. I need to manage my drugs. I need more meds, and a source for them when I get to the other side. I need a place to stay. I need a job there. But where? And when? I think I'm just panicking a little.

Run away!

I think I might be manic. I'm thinking about traveling, I'm cranky, and I want a tattoo. All of these things could just be the time of the month, my situation going sour, and my regular need for tattoos.

So where should I go next? The plan is ribs, fill in some more on the trunk, and left thigh. I want some dancing skeletons and other Day of the Dead and Grateful Dead related stuff to match my arm.



I don't quite know how to describe what I want, yet, and my artist is on the other coast, so it will have to wait a few months. Plus, that's a lot of money to use up when I'm running out of unemployment. Sigh.

Babble

Yep, manic. I've moved on to coffee, now. There's no point in trying to pretend. I'm feeling awfully chatty and there's no one awake to chat with. Even Emily, who moved across the world, is still at work and can't chat. So I'm just sitting here Facebook stalking people. I bet I could call my mom and harass her. She's my go-to cause I know at 6:30am she's awake. I could also go drive to the 7:15 meeting, but I don't know if that's going to happen. Actually, maybe that's the best idea. But traffic will suck. Ah, I just want to email chat with someone. Maybe I can be an ass and wake Michael up again. It's 3am there, that's not too bad.

So instead, I'll talk to you, dear reader, if you're still here.

Manic emailing

I worry that I manically send out emails. I mean, it was 3am when I sent my last one, but if anyone looks at the time stamp they're going to think I'm nuts. I do good work in the middle of the night, though!

So it's 5:30 and I have to decide if I'm going to the 6am meeting or if I'm going to try to sleep. I think I need to sleep. I'm starting to get tired now, but I know if I push through I can make it. But why force the matter? If I'm getting tired, I should go to bed, no?

Swinging that sword

The speaker this morning talked about how her drinking never had consequences, like DUIs or loss of family, but that she always had a sense of impending doom. She always felt like that sword of Damocles was about to drop on her head. That's how I felt. I knew something would happen. Some day I was bound to get a DUI or something car related like an accident. I may not have become a "rock bottom" drunk, but it was getting to the point where something bad was going to happen, and it was going to rock my world.

As I come up on my anniversary I get more and more grateful for sobriety. I'm glad I found it when I did, too! This past year would have been hell or death if I was still using. I couldn't have made it. Who knows what would have happened. It's just another example of the promises coming true: God doing for me what I couldn't for myself.

A few people have asked what I'm going to do to celebrate for my anniversary. I might be up north, so I don't know. There's a meeting that night, so I'm definitely going to that, but maybe I can find some sober people to take me out to dinner. If I stay here, I think I'll do a marathon meeting day. I'll hit an 8:30am, noon, 5:30pm, and 8:30pm. I suppose sobriety is present enough.

What is it?

Oh, don't worry, I'm still awake. I have no idea how many nights this is, but I've got to get my sleep back to normal soon. I'm not getting anything done during the day because I don't go to bed till 6, and then I lie there from 10 to 2 staring at the ceiling refusing to get out of bed. So I waste my entire day, and then I'm up at night.

This is getting ridiculous. If I didn't feel like such shit I would think I'm getting manic. I want to buy plane tickets and other stuff. I want to shop. I keep coming up with all these excuses to shop, but I'm not awake when the stores are open. And I promised no online shopping during Lent. So I'm just sitting here reading crap online and trying not to think so much. I'm trying to space out.

And now I have a huge headache. Perhaps the best thing to do is to just lie down in the dark and wait. Sitting here at the computer isn't doing me any favors.

Flying in the sky

An interesting take on what it means to make a decision while manic. "Manic individuals have a sense of urgency -- that they need to make a decision right now so that they don't miss the opportunity that sits in front of them."

His description of mania thinking is pretty right on. You've gotta do it, and of course it's a good idea! Other people don't understand all the ways you've rationalized it to yourself. Of course it's going to work out. You're on top of the world.

A sober mania

I probably won't sleep tonight, and it's my own damn fault. I just had two Red Bulls and am contemplating a third. I know that's pushing it. Caffeine doesn't usually keep me up, but those Red Bulls are different. We've discussed here before how Red Bull and mania seem to follow each other around, and I'm sure I'm not doing good things for my mental health by consuming two.

So, because I'm at increased risk because he upped the Celexa, and now I'm drinking taurine, let's look at the possibility of mania creeping up. What does mania look like? Well, for a lot of people, it's shopping and having sex with strangers and thinking you're the bees knees. Impaired judgment, rapid speech, little sleep, and maybe some irritability. Mania can be fun when you're in it, and can feel great! It's all about excess: moving fast and taking no prisoners.

But what does mania look like in me? I don't know anymore. It used to look like going out and getting drunk, taking someone home with me, exercising like a fiend, cooking in the middle of the night, then getting paranoid and eventually afraid of everything. But what does a sober Anne's mania look like? Will I go back to drinking on impulse? I really have no interest. I know I told you, and myself, that I wasn't going to be an AA sober lady anymore and that after my 1 year in May I wasn't going to forbid myself from drinking, but I don't really have any interest in it yet. I'm perfectly happy being sober.

Will that change if I get manic? Will I pick up cigarettes, too? Will I just impulsively go back to bad behaviors? Or what else can it be? I already shop too much, so we won't be able to identify it there. What other impulsive acts can a sober person do? Travel? My passport expires at the end of the month ($110 to get a new one!) so I can't travel overseas till I get it back. I'm already flying once at the end of the month, but that's been long planned.

Huh. Well, let's hope I don't get manic to begin with.

This is so not me right now

I like this, from over at Beyond Blue: Hypomania usually takes a bad habit and multiplies it by, say 100.

Damn, girl, ain't that the truth. What bad habit do you have? Let's make it 100% worse! Like to snort blow? Let's do it sunrise to sundown! Like to sleep with people? How about 5 this week? One for every day, you know!

At least, that's what my mania looks like. It takes me to awesome places of danger and expense of health and sanity. My hypomania looks more like shopping and overextending myself, which is probably good for me (well, not my credit cards). I also like to sign up for marathons and book plane tickets. A strange mania, indeed.

So where am I right now? I'm pretty depressed. I can feel it lurking under the surface. I just want to sleep, but I'm not tired. I just want to eat, but I'm not hungry. I need to work out, but my body just feels like it's dragging when I do. And I am not enthusiastic about anything. I don't feel so hot.

Life stages

Where do you go when you don't know what you want or what direction you're headed in?

After 4 or so months of being home I'm realizing a few things: I did miss the snow; I've got to live on my own again soon; and I moved away from home for a reason. I picked up and moved across the country for a few good reasons: my mom makes me insane; there are. Lot of bad memories here; Adam. I love him, I do, but... I don't know. Its like having a controlling older brother. He just makes me want to rebel.

There's a job here that I think they're going to offer me, and I think I'm going to turn them down. All I want is to be working, but there's a few things here (it's the day of semi-colons!): my mentor thinks I would be bored at this job; I think I wouldn't want to stay in it more than 2 years, and part of my career hopes are to stay in a job longer than that; and it's the part of my field I find too easy to occupy myself. I do get bored doing that kind of work after a while, and it's not as creative a job as I hoped. I think it would be a great job, and I could be happy until I got bored, and my resume shows that only takes about a year.

So I don't know. It seems like I'm pointed north for a few years. I would love to try out a new city; someplace to call my own. I do need to acknowledge a few more things with semi-colons: I'm in a really transitional place in my life right now and I don't know what I'm doing; and I think I'm a bit manic. Thank you Abilify! It makes me feel so much better. But usually I get the urge to move and cut my hair when I get manic, and all weekend I've been thinking about chopping off my hair again. Pixie cut = mania; always. One time in college I pretty much shaved my head. Boy, was I high! I had a great time that summer.

Everything is so up in the air. I wish I knew what was going to happen, but I think I'm just going to have to wing it.

It's all Greek to me

"Akathisia, or acathisia, is a syndrome characterized by unpleasant sensations of 'inner' restlessness that manifests itself with an inability to sit still or remain motionless."

I told the doctor yesterday that I couldn't keep my legs still. "I'm moving my foot all the time." He said it was the Zyprexa, but I just looked it up and it's a side effect of the Abilify as well. So I'm twitchy. I can't keep my feet or legs still for a minute. I'm constantly swinging my foot or tapping my toes or stomping. It's weird, but kind of funny at the same time. It's like having a ton of nervous energy that I'm trying to get out.

I'm full, today, but I still want to eat. Why? Because I eat when I'm hyped up in order to calm myself down. But I'm trying to be better about eating so much, so what did I do? I had a Red Bull. I know, I know. I have a caffeine problem. I drink way too much of it, but give me a break. I've gotten rid of the rest of my bad habits. I don't even bite my nails anymore. Let me have my caffeine.

Boring myself

Yesterday I was fighting the nausea and working full-time to keep upright. It was a zombie attack, leading me to sleep the entire day away. And then came today. Today, I've got a little manic energy going on. I can't stop tapping my foot. Tap, tap, tap, go my toes. I'm wandering around the store looking for things to do, and new things to eat. I just want to chew. I don't feel full at all, and I've eaten 2 of those oatmeal bars already.

I can't think enough to think if I feel depressed, still. I'm just here on the surface. I have no feelings. I'm shaky. My nose is stuffy from the Celexa.

Tap, tap, tap. There's nothing on the internet. I could delve into the news, but the world is on fire and falling apart and I want nothing to do with it right now. So what to do with myself? I think I'll check all the laundry tags and make sure everything is priced. Exciting!

Signs of mania

If you have three or more of the mania symptoms below most of the day -- nearly every day -- for one week or longer, you may be having a manic episode of bipolar disorder:

Excessive happiness, hopefulness, and excitement
Sudden changes from being joyful to being irritable, angry, and hostile
Restlessness, increased energy, and less need for sleep
Rapid talk, talkativeness
Distractibility
Racing thoughts
High sex drive
Tendency to make grand and unattainable plans
Tendency to show poor judgment, such as deciding to quit a job
Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity -- unrealistic beliefs in one's ability, intelligence, and powers; may be delusional
Increased reckless behaviors (such as lavish spending sprees, impulsive sexual indiscretions, abuse of alcohol or drugs, or ill-advised business decisions)

Yeah, let's just go with "nope" as a general answer to this one. I'm definitely not manic right now.

The limbo elves

There is something afoot. My therapist says it's the limbo elves. Like normal elves who come in and cobble your shoes at night, the limbo elves come in and make sure you're on the right path. They distract you from things or point you in the right direction. They say, "No, no, no!" when you're heading off in the wrong direction.

Limbo elves. It's like mini higher powers at work. They come in and invade my dreams, keep me from getting a job until it's the right one; they know what they're doing. Damn elves.

I'm feeling a bit better. My therapist thinks I'm a little manic, even though I've been sleeping during the day and up at night (which I usually equate with depression), and I'm bitchy. Huh, ok, that is more manic. I guess I've been writing about being a little manic for a while, and a little crazy, but I haven't really felt it. I do know that being this optimistic all the time is weird. We agreed the drug cocktail I'm on is probably the only thing keeping me from a breakdown at this point. Everything is crazy in my life, and I'm fine. I don't even want to drink or smoke. Normally I would be treating unemployment with booze and drugs. It's just what you do, right? As an addict, it's just what you do.

I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just post-therapy rambling.

But I want to take my meds....

I found a pretty funny site called "Stuff Unemployed People Like." He hasn't written in months, but some of them are really funny. Like that we all dream of that vacation we wanted to take, and we wear work clothes to sit around the house. I know I'm doing all of that.

Being unemployed, sober, cigarette-less, living at home, and without health insurance is all a crazy mixture for a bipolar chicka. Every one of those things can make you depressed, and the fun thing is, most of those things make you gain weight, too. My pants sure as hell don't fit. My biggest worry is being without health insurance.

When a bipolar person doesn't take their meds, well, there are lots of possible outcomes, but I usually get really manic for about 2 weeks and then crash really hard. I crash harder each time, and I'm sure this time I would be suicidal, what with all the other factors happening. I'm already feeling such loss and humiliation that I just can't stand it. I really don't want to go there. I want to keep on the meds, but it seems like no insurance company wants me to. $967 for 3 months of meds? Really? I can do it once, but not twice.

So what does a responsible girl do? I don't know. If I'm still unemployed by February I'm going to beg the pharmaceutical companies poor people plans to help me. If they can't do it, I'm going to work with my psychiatrist to try a new cocktail. I don't want to be unstable while trying to interview! Jesus. I need to not worry about this kind of stuff yet.

I just know it - I'll have a job by then.

What are all these drugs for?

Sometimes I hate getting up and taking my drugs. I have a hand full of pills, all difference colors, that are chalky and gross. I choke them all down at the same time to get it over with. I'm on an anti-depressant, mood stabilizer, anti-psychotic, and whatever the hell Abilify classes as nowadays. If I have any more anti's I'll probably have to start taking a pro.

So what do all these drugs do? Well, the anti-depressant is an SSRI, which as we talked about earlier, helps regulate the serotonin in my brain, making me not so depressed. The only trouble is, in people with bipolar, too much serotonin makes us crazy manic. So I take the mood stabilizer which seems to, you guessed it, stabilize my mood somehow. I've been reading around, and it looks like they don't know how it works either.

The other, an anti-psychotic, helps deal with my super crazy side where I start seeing fairies, not sleeping, and wanting to jump in front of subway buses. It keeps me from getting insane. I try to only take it when I'm nuts, because it makes me sleep for days on end when I'm depressed. When I'm manic, I get about 4 hours out of it. It's also great for panic attacks.

Aripiprazole (Abilify)is also used with an antidepressant to treat depression when symptoms cannot be controlled by the antidepressant alone. Aripiprazole is in a class of medications called atypical antipsychotics. This is good stuff that seems to work fast. When I was in my depression, my doc upped the Abilify and everything was suddenly better.

So each one has it's purpose. I wish there was a multi-vitamin type pill that I could take which just worked on everything. Luckily, all my drugs have minimum side effects, except "the lamictal headache" which I have almost all the time. It's getting worse since I've been taking my meds at different times during the day. That's a problem I've got to remedy.

Spending frenzy

I'm on a bit of a spending spree. I bought more shoes and more clothes this week. Like I really need any more of either.... I have one closet and it's full of just summer clothes. All my winter clothes are in a box in the garage. It's going to take a bunch of boxes to get all that stuff out, and now I have even more.

Spending unwisely is a good sign of mania. I've got the money, but I should be saving in case I have to move, and I need to save for the last installment of my tattoo next week. There's so much I actually need to spend money on, that I've got to stop spending frivolously. I even put one purchase on my credit card, which I never do, and I'm feeling icky about it. I need to just pay it off tomorrow.

I can't tell if I'm manic or not. I'm not having paranoid feelings, and my anxiety is only raised when I think about my interview tomorrow. I'm not crying or drinking or doing other things that are bad for me. I have no interest in going out and finding a sex partner. These are usually all the signs. Maybe now that I'm sober my mania is changing, too? I still think I'm hypomanic. My doc said we'll watch it and see what happens; whether I go up or down.

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands

"Like most diseases, bipolar disorder comes in different shapes and sizes and can be difficult to diagnose. Few people or physicians would miss classic bipolar disorder, with its cyclic episodes of severe depression and full-blown mania. After all, there is nothing subtle about mania, grandiose and often psychotic thinking, elated mood, superhuman energy and libido and reckless judgment.

But a milder form of mania, called hypomania, is not obvious at all, especially in someone like Bruce who happens to be temperamentally dramatic and lively. That is because hypomanic people feel very happy, have lots of energy, need little sleep and are generally fun to be with. And they certainly do not run to doctors complaining of happiness.

So it is easy to see how hypomania could masquerade as cheerful character. In the same way, dysthymia, hypomania's dark twin, has often been confused with gloomy temperament, when in fact it is a treatable form of low-grade depression."

Hypomania is the fun stuff. It's when people think you're really fun to be around. But it is usually the precursor to a full-blown manic episode. But people like the guy in this story just lived in hypomanic states for a long time. I think my mania is a lot like that. I make stupid financial decisions and take a lot of risks, but I never get to the point of doing anything REALLY stupid. Well, ok, sometimes I do, and that's the mania. To see some interesting stories on bipolar, check out this series from the NYT.

Patient voices series from New York Times.