Never a dull moment

I have no maternal instinct. I was hanging out over at Diane's with her three year-old and I had him in my lap. "You're the only person in the world who wouldn't be kissing his head or trying to cuddle with him. You're just sitting there." Like a chair. What? I felt fine, but I was almost uncomfortable. Kids kind of scare me. I don't really like them, either. They're loud and messy and demanding. I'm ok without all of that. I don't get the emotional benefits a lot of people seem to get from hanging out with kids. I think if I had kids it would just be to fit in, and that seems more selfish than anything else.

So I'm pretty sure I don't want kids. Maybe someone else's teenagers or something, but I'm ok without the whole having a baby thing. I like the independent life. Hell, I have trouble staying in a relationship or a job longer than 2 years. How can I commit to a lifetime job? I'd get so sick of it....

Anyway, I'm worried that Diane's ex is going to hurt her. He's pretty abusive and doesn't seem to understand the rules of the world - like you have to pay your bills, clean your own house, and yes, the rules like traffic laws apply to you. He doesn't care about their son at all, he just wants to keep control of Diane. She's slowly pulling away, and I think he's showing anger. I really hope he doesn't do anything stupid. Jesus, her life is a mess, too.

Baby talk

"Where do you want to be when you're 34?"

"I don't know. Everything has changed since I hit this rough patch. My timeline is off. But I just figured out something that changes everything: I don't think I want kids."

"I'm glad to hear that."

Really? My aunt thinks I need to be pampered; taken care of instead of being the one who always takes care of others.

"You and your cousin Henry shouldn't have kids. I've told him this, too. You both would be better marrying someone who has kids already, older kids."

I wouldn't mind someone elses kids. Especially older kids. I think that would be just fine. I just have no patience for the screaming toddler phase or the losing sleep of infancy. Call me selfish, but I'm just not the kid type.

"My generation fucked up raising kids, and I can say that cause I did it too, though my kids are great. The baby boomers, the hippies, just all screwed it up."

No baby boom here

I was just having an email conversation with someone on Facebook and complimented her on how adorable her daughter was. She thanked me, and the conversation went on, but it led my thoughts in another direction: I don't think I want kids.

I bat that idea around all the time, but I am starting to think that it's really true. I mean, when my cousin's son was little I hated having to babysit. I just didn't know what to do with him. Of course, I was 16 and crazy at the time, but I think it is a character part of me. I just am not interested in small children. I don't particularly find it fulfilling to be around them. They just distract from conversation. Is that harsh?

I imagine a life without kids could be lonely. I hope to get married, or partnered, or whatever someday. I would like to share my life with another adult, but kids... I just don't think so. If it suddenly happened I don't know that I would say no, but I wouldn't seek out kids.

Does that make me less of a grown up?