Eat to feel better

So I just had another Cadbury Egg. I think it may have been my second one. And then I got the sugar shakes, so what did I do? I had cereal. Because eating makes everything better. Jesus, no wonder I'm getting fat! I eat to make things feel better! And man, do I want to eat right now. Everything is crap. I'm trapped in this house. I can't move out, and it's driving me mad.

The floors get started tomorrow, so the chaos is only beginning. I'm thinking of going to the local coffee shop with my iPad and just hanging out all day. I don't care if I have to spend money, I don't know if I can sit here with a bunch of strangers ripping up carpet in the next room.

I need a job. The little grocery store job is good - I made $500 towards my next tattoo - but it's just not the same. And I don't have a set schedule. It's just work every now and again when he feels like taking off and playing golf. I like to have a schedule; to know what I'm up against. I like to plan.

And maybe that's what bugs me most about my whole situation. I can't even plan. I don't know any of the perimeters, so I can't guess at the others. Damnit.

Ex-libris

I can't even bear to look at them. I have so many, and they just sit there collecting dust, but my love for them is strong. I love books.

I had a nightmare last night that I gave away a bunch of books to the library, but they just threw them out. It pained me so much to watch the imaginary librarian throw out my beloved novels and works of fiction. I couldn't stand it in my dream, and I don't think I would be much better in person.

There are just so many of them, and thinking about moving them all with me forever just makes me... overwhelmed. I can't imagine it. At this point I have over 20 boxes of books: novels of young women in trouble, non-fiction about mental illness, art books, and 3 boxes of religious texts. All things that I love to read and think about, and even quote from occasionally. I can't just let them go without knowing they would be going to a good home.

So they're all moving to storage. It's becoming a catch-all for things I just don't want to think about anymore. It's all just becoming a hide-away. I know that kind of behavior can't happen. It will become crowded with crap and I'll end up moving in somewhere with a UHaul full of junk. I need to go through the storage already and get rid of some things. Spring is here: time to clean.

Shit sucks

I've been reminded twice today that my birthday is coming up in 3 weeks. I'm not going to the look back yet, but boy what a year it's been. It was the best 6 months of my life in the beginning, and the worst past 6 months. I suppose there is yin and yang, good and bad, in all things, but man, what a ride.

My aunt and my therapist, Julie, both told me I have to stop saying everything is alright. I'm allowed to be upset, miserable, depressed. In fact, I probably should be. But I'm so used to being optimistic. I'm used to seeing the bright side of life. But shit sucks! Man, I'm about to be 31, living at home on a twin bed with all my stuff in storage, I lost my dog, I don't have my car but I'm still paying for it, I have one friend here that I see, and I'm not even dating. Shit sucks.

Here I go again. Well, if it sucks, Anne, what are we going to do about it? I'm going out with an old friend on Sunday and he just invited me to something next month, too. I'm supposed to go out tomorrow night with someone, but I don't think she remembers it's tomorrow. I'll have to call in the morning. I'd like to see her. So there, I'm hanging out with friends and getting out of the house.

I don't want to do anything else on the dating front because I don't know where I'll be living. Damn. I need to just do it. I need to just date. I'm scared, I guess. I've gained some weight back, which makes me feel self-conscious. And I don't have any of my cute shoes and dresses. They're all in storage. And I don't have somewhere to take a date should I want to take them home. Sigh.

I need to get it together. No wallowing in how much my life has changed this year. I need to move forward. Time to move on. Now how can I get out of here?

1 + 1 does not equal 2

I need to get the hell out of here, so I did a few calculations, and it seems one clear picture came out of it: I'm stuck. I make $800 every 2 weeks. It's minimum $1,000 to rent a studio here. Then I pay $500 to cover my car. So that's $1,500 I'd be spending, and $1,600 I'd be making. It's just not possible. I knew this; It's the reason I moved from the other coast, anyway. I knew I couldn't make it on my own, but I just feel so awful here that I had to try.

I'm thinking of just taking any old job (think retail) just to get by and make a little more money so I can move out. I don't want to be living here after April, and there's no guarantee I'm going to get a full-time gig before then. Maybe I should have taken that other job, boredom or no, but I just can't see hating my next job before I even start it.

But I've got to get out of here....

Baby talk

"Where do you want to be when you're 34?"

"I don't know. Everything has changed since I hit this rough patch. My timeline is off. But I just figured out something that changes everything: I don't think I want kids."

"I'm glad to hear that."

Really? My aunt thinks I need to be pampered; taken care of instead of being the one who always takes care of others.

"You and your cousin Henry shouldn't have kids. I've told him this, too. You both would be better marrying someone who has kids already, older kids."

I wouldn't mind someone elses kids. Especially older kids. I think that would be just fine. I just have no patience for the screaming toddler phase or the losing sleep of infancy. Call me selfish, but I'm just not the kid type.

"My generation fucked up raising kids, and I can say that cause I did it too, though my kids are great. The baby boomers, the hippies, just all screwed it up."

Manic Mondays

Ok, ok, I admit it: I'm a little manic. I think the extra 5mg of Abilify he added to the regular dose pulled me up a bit, though I'm sleepy. I feel great in comparison to last week, and especially the week before. I'm not suicidal, I'm not depressed, I'm just good. Which is nice. My cousin last night said, "I can believe you'd be depressed. Your life sucks ass right now." And she's right! Things are so crappy right now. But I have a plan.

I had a great interview up north, and I'm hoping to get that job. It would be a great career step forward for me. I should hear back about a third interview with them by next week, where I'll go up there and meet face to face. I've also applied for a bunch of other positions.

The plan: if by the end of March I don't have a job I will move to the north and work retail. I'll just get an apartment and a UHaul and go.

That would be 6 months of living here. I think that's enough. I think I've given it the good ol' college try. 6 months is a long time. I'll give somewhere else a year to grow on me, and if I don't have a job in a year, then I'll have to reconsider my career path. I like this plan. I think it has merit.

The plan 2

Ok. I need a plan for when I feel like this. Who can I call? Who do I reach out to? When I think of names all I can think of are the reasons why I shouldn't call them.

So wait, maybe what I need to decide is what's best for me when I feel like that? What do I want? Jesus, I don't know. I don't want to leave the house because I start to get paranoid about accidents and metro cars. I start getting really scared of accidental death and dismemberment. I know it doesn't make sense to be suicidal and yet scared of something happening, but that's what happens.

I don't know what I would want from people, so I don't know the right person to call. I suppose having the person in the same general vicinity is a good right step. Someone who can get to me. Yeah, being with someone else is good. Being alone is bad.

Sleep is good. Sleep is less confusing. I'm all confused, now. My brain is just all up in arms. Nothing is making sense, and it's giving me a headache. I'm starting to feel crazy again, and I haven't even had any caffeine. Time for more Seroquel.

The plan 1

"The most important thing to remember is this - your symptoms have gone away BECAUSE THE MEDS ARE WORKING! It's not necessarily because you've been cured. There are no cures for a lot of these disorders. It's not your fault that you're crazy, but it is your responsibility to stay as sane as possible. You're not the only person you hurt if you really flip out."

Just like it's my responsibility to stay sober, it's my responsibility to stay sane. But Adam reminded me last night that that doesn't mean I have to go it alone. One of the most awful parts about depression is that your brain convinces you you are all alone. I have a million phone numbers in my phone, email addresses, friends on Facebook, etc., but in that moment when I was freaking out all I could think was, "There's no one I can tell." Now, is that true? No. Am I going to freak someone out? Probably. But is that ok? Probably. That's what friends are for. They're there for you in bad times, too.

Adam asked me to make a list, a personal care packet, almost. My "plan for safety." Hm. Plan. My plan is to not drink so much caffeine. I feel shitty today, but it's a different kind of shitty. I'm not buzzy, but I'm still having racing thoughts and such. They're going so fast that I'm having trouble stopping them to pull one out. It's funny, I catch myself sitting here like a schizophrenic listening to voices - staring up in the corner of my head, just waiting for the one I want to repeat.

Right. Plan. I told my dad I was feeling crappy and now all he can do is tell me to go to the gym. "You should go get those endorphins going or they're no-dorphins." Dork. He's trying. He also thinks a lot of it is just the coming off of the meds. "It's been 2 weeks, dad." "Yes, but I'm sure they're still coming out of your system. It took me a month to get all the caffeine out." How long did it take me to get the booze out? Month, two? I don't remember now, but the physical symptoms were gone much sooner than the mental. But how can you tell whether the mental symptoms you are having are because you are not on meds and your brain chemistry is crazy stew, or because you're coming down off meds? I haven't found anything good on the internet, yet, but I'll share when I do.

I still haven't given you a plan, have I? Cause I don't have one that lasts past the week. Sleep, Seroquel, work, meetings. Yeah, I'm still including meetings on there. I promised Paul I would go tomorrow and see if the woman he wants to hook me up with is there. I just learned I have to work Thursday, so no 6am womens meeting, which I'm on-and-off ok with. I should hit the 8:30 tonight after therapy, but I probably won't. I don't want to leave the house too much. I feel weird enough, and driving has been making me paranoid.

This is getting long.

I'm doing it again

So I'm planning again. I've been looking at apartments in the city, and they're expensive! If I'm living close to work (I've been looking around the places I'm interviewing) then it will all work out because I'll save on subway fares, but a lot of the ones I think I'll be able to afford are studios.

I've been trying to think how I can fit a one bedrooms' full of stuff into a studio. I think I can do it. I've got a wooden screen that could set off the bedroom area from the living room, and if I put a bed and dresser in the corner, I can hide it. I think I can fit it all in, really.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, as usual. I don't even have money coming in, and I wouldn't be able to get a place until I have a first or even second paycheck in. I'll be living here until at least December, and maybe that's not such a great time to move. It gets pretty cold here, and who knows if it will be snowing that time of the year. Moving in the snow would suck.