In the deep

I was discussing a lot of stuff with my therapist tonight, and she always seems to be amazed by me. It's neat. We talked about my last big depression, where I was a 9 on a scale of 10. It's back in 07 when I was unemployed for three months and off meds.

It started out ok. Well, I was manic. I was drinking like crazy, cooking bacon in the middle of the night, and generally annoying my roommate/boyfriend. I was up all the time, but never leaving the house. And then I started not leaving the living room. And then I never left the little red armchair. It's a plush chair, and really comfortable. And so I moved my laptop to the chair one day, and didn't leave for about three weeks.

I slept in the chair. I didn't shower or change my clothes. I didn't really get up except to go to the bathroom and to eat. And I stayed in the chair to eat, too. I just loved my little chair in the living room, where we could close the shades. I would be sitting in the dark when he came home just sending out my resume all over the place.

My therapist asked, "Well if you were so depressed, how did you job hunt?" Will. Luckily, I'm a pretty strong-willed gal. People I know are laughing right now, cause strong-willed doesn't quite cover it. Stubborn. Determined. Willful in the first degree. So all I did was set up a search and refresh it constantly. I applied for anything and everything. I just sent email after email from my chair, and stared at the computer screen.

It took me 2 months to move from the chair, and the only thing that did it was an interview. They called me, and I put on my "cheerleader voice." It's that fake happy voice we all have. They called me in for an interview and I got up out of the chair, took a shower, and drove down. It was the first time I'd really been out of the house in months, except maybe to go to a bar. I think I went to the bar once or twice then, but mostly I drank at home. My boyfriend bought everything, which is good, because I was getting poor, too.

Anyway, I made it to the interview. I must have looked ok, because they hired me, but I remember feeling a mess and being really exhausted after from all the effort. It took me another 4 months to crawl out of that depression. I was back on medication and had a sense of purpose in getting out of bed every day. I was out of the chair and back at work.