Hypomani is not fun

It's 4:30am now, and I'm still awake. I've sent all the emails I can send in order to prepare for tomorrow (I'm asking some folks to be my grad references tomorrow), and I've applied for Federal grants already. I completed my grad school application, and am just waiting on confirmation of my references in order to hit send.

That's it. That's all it takes: filling in a bunch of forms and maybe writing a short essay. Now I have to do a bunch of paperwork like getting my transcripts sent, sending out reference forms, and taking my GRE. Once I do all those things, the college can evaluate me for admission. I hope they admit me for the fall. I really think this program would be an incredible mental exercise and lead me in a completely different direction in life.

But I do need a job in the meantime. I'm still applying and looking all over the place, and there's just nothing. Now that I've decided to go back to school, the prospects look even dimmer. There's just nothing out there that really speaks to me. But I've got to find something....

What to do

Damnit, it's 3:30 in the morning and I'm not going to get any sleep any time soon. And, I have cigarettes, but my insomniac dad is still up reading a book in the living room. No smoking for me. Damn.

I've been talking to Michael all night and the more I think about it the better it seems to go back to school. I mean, I love school. I love learning. I love reading. I love attending lectures. I really do. And I think the topic would hold my interest. Everything will just fall into place. I have to trust that.

Why's it so hard to just let go? Because I don't have the luxury my mom has of being taken care of. I would never just rely on my dad. I've been here 7 months and I feel awful about it. I want to pay rent, or something, but I'm too broke to bring it up. I feel like I have to move out after a year. Anything over a year is just pathetic. Ugh. Just thinking about that is making me sad. 7 months of living at home, basically doing nothing but traveling every now and again and hitting some meetings.

I got rid of my couch and moved everything into cheaper (free) storage at my moms apartment building. I think with the money I'm saving I can move out at the end of the summer. So I'll give myself till September. If I don't have a job by then, I'll get a room with some other folks. Let's go do the budget....

Delirious

So I've been thinking about Adam again. We hung out the other night with all of our old friends and it was so great to see him having fun. It took a while for him to relax into the situation, but I think once he realized no one was judging him, he was ok. It was good to have everyone out together. It was so much like old times that I had the compulsion to make out with him.

Not like I don't have that compulsion all the time, anyway. Yep, it's been years now and I still can't seem to shake these feelings I have for him. I was able to "get over it" for a little bit, but every time we hang out I just want to yell, "Love me!" Of course there's stuff about him I don't like, and I hate his bedroom furniture, but that doesn't keep me from wanting to be with him. Do I want to date him? Kind of, yeah. Wait. Yes. I do. I want to be with him. I love him.

So, my options. Run away, which sounds wonderful and like the solution to all my problems; discuss it with him AGAIN, which sounds like slow, painful rejection; or tough it out. I have been applying to jobs all over the country, but there's this part of me that keeps saying, "But if you stay here, maybe it will happen...." But I can't live on that dream. He's said no, so I need to assume he means it. Which means I'm down to run away or tough it out.

I suppose it all depends on where I get a job. My whole life is dependent on jobs right now. Blah. I hate loving him so much.

A summer ramble

I suppose my brain has been like this blog; off and on for months now. I keep falling into these depressions or just wormholes and then coming back out even better on the other side.

Still no job, and no more interviews, but I'm reaching out to fields I hadn't considered before. I'm going up north to help out my cousin in a couple of weeks for the summer, and I think I'm just going to put off job hunting till I get back in August. August. Wow. In September it will have been a year since I lost my job and moved home. What an incredible year it's been; full of ups and downs.

Speaking of years, on May 27th I'll have a year sober. Only 20 more days. It's just a miracle to me that I got sober when I did. If I had had to face this year drunk I would be dead, I know it. But one day at a time, one decision at a time, I've made it this far, still alive, still sober. I can't wait to collect my one year chip. I'm going to have to frame it, I think.

I went to a meeting tonight that was dual diagnosis (mental illness and addiction) which was pretty interesting. One guy had 10 years and said it really was all just one day at a time. It was changing his attitude to be calmer about things and to turn elsewhere in times of trouble, somewhere other than the bottle.

I like meetings. I do. I think AA is entertaining at least, and can be fun. I meet some good folks most of the time, but I've just had so many off-putting experiences here. Back where I used to live was just so much more... comfortable. I'm going to try AA up north this summer and see if the meetings are good. There are 2 meetings a week in the small town I'm going to. Maybe my cousin would even go with me. I don't want to push her, but I'm sure being in AA will be good for her. Or at least Al-Anon.

More jobs

Someone at a place I used to work just sent me a job posting there and told me to apply. Then the boss of that unit emailed me and told me about the position. Cosmic influence? It's a hard place to work - full-time stress - but a good place. And they are close to here and pay well. I wouldn't mind going back, I don't think. So I just applied. We'll see how it goes. They would have to act fast, since I'm on interview #3 with another place that I don't really want to work, but will. I'm not going to turn anything down from now on. I shouldn't have turned the other one down, but I would have been bored. At this point I'll take bored over this.

F*&# it all

Woah. Forgot to take my night meds two days in a row and almost had a breakdown. Proof positive that the only thing holding me together are the drugs.

I got a call today from a dear friend who talked to some of the people I've interviewed with and she had some really good advice for me. Easy stuff to fix, nothing bad or scary. Just adds to the frustration, though. I mean, really, are people that petty when they hire? Won't people just look at how qualified I am and how I can articulate that in person and know I can do a job? It's the little things, apparently, like not carrying a purse. Whatever. I'll make sure to do it next time.

But it set me off. I'm so over it. I'm fucking done. I've had an interview a week since I've been unemployed, over 5 months now, and I still don't have a job. And I don't know if any of the prospects out there are good jobs - at this point they all look the same: moving out. That's my goal. I need to get the fuck out of here immediately. I'm sick of living at home. Even if I have to take a job I know I'll hate. Whatever. I'm not above it.

Then my dad and my aunt took it upon themselves to council me about job hunting tonight. They spent 2 hours telling me how to do it. Like I don't know. I'm apparently a professional at it. I can get an interview. I can get a second interview. I just can't get a job. If it's all about dressing to the culture of the area, fine, I'll go buy some pinstripes. Whatever it takes.

But all of it just makes me long for the life I left. It's Jennifer's birthday today and everyone is out with her celebrating, and I'm here. Why the fuck am I here? Oh yeah, I wanted to be closer to family. Well I've discovered, family is overrated. I'm so done.

Ambitious

She said it in a matter of fact voice; a matter of fact thing: "I run from the things that scare me. I just learned it. When something makes me uncomfortable I sink into depression, I withdraw from others, I take that pain inside. But at least it takes less pain now to make me realize what I'm doing."

I thought Nicole was so right. When something is wrong I sleep more, I sink into depression, I withdraw. And I don't know if it's the depression that comes first or the pain, but I'm starting to think it's the pain.

Losing your job hurts. It doesn't just hurt for a second, no, that's just the initial sting, like a scorpion. But then it aches, and the aching doesn't just fade. It stays with you, like a migraine. And eventually, all the lights, the good things in your life, just hurt, too. Eventually everything hurts and it's all too much, and then there you are - in depression.

So here I am. I'm grateful for a lot of stuff, but it just seems the more I'm grateful the less happy I am. It's not having the desired effect. And I think it's because I'm a snob. I think maybe, just maybe, losing my job and not being able to find one is a lesson I'm supposed to learn. Maybe my HP knocking me down a peg. See, I wouldn't ever date a guy who lived at home (didn't care the circumstances), I would look down on people without even thinking about it like that. I would spend money carelessly on things like blenders and gourmet foods because I could afford it. And now that I can't even buy cheap groceries, I'm remembering what a farce expensive food stores are. How silly it is to eat out all the time.

I think I'm supposed to be learning a lot more from this season of my life than I've been getting out of it. Working in the store has taught me, again, the value of work. It's good to have a job, any job, and when someone asks you to do it, and really counts on you, you have to get it done. There's no messing around and ignoring your projects in a job like mine. I don't get to come in and sit at my desk and check Facebook. I have to do the laundry, and code the packages, and price the new products. He's counting on me.

So I'm relearning the value of work, and real work. Not desk work, but actual labor. And I'm remembering how much more I enjoy it than desk work. If I could make the money I made sitting at a desk by doing retail work I would take it in a heartbeat. I'd rather be on my feet greeting customers, running the register, refolding products instead of staring at a computer screen and being bored out of my mind.

Maybe I should just take a part time gig and then work retail. Maybe that's the best way to go about this. Maybe I should take out that loan and go to school for what I want instead of what will further my career. Maybe I'm just not a career girl, afterall....

From this moment

It only took a second or two, but what happened changed the course of my life, and has reverberated till this day. Reverb asks today, what was a defining moment of this year or a series of events? As you all know this year was full of them, but the moment that effected (and affected) me most took seconds.

There I was, peacefully spacing out and partly working on three things at once. In my office with the sunny, sliding glass doors and the beautiful view of the neighboring building's wall, I sat with the heater on trying to get warm. It was forever cold in my office, despite the seasonal weather outside. Piled in the corner were boxes for an event I was organizing, and I had just gotten off the phone with the caterer, preparing for a tasting the next day.

My office mate was out for the day, so the only sounds in my office were the low hum of the radio; more like white noise taking up a portion of my brain. I checked email again, and glanced at Facebook, avoiding the massive spreadsheet on my screen.

Then he walked in. "This isn't working. I need you to go talk to David." And out he walked. A second, a moment, that's all there was. I didn't know what to think. Just last week he told me I was doing a great job, so I wasn't sure what the reprimand was referring too, but I had a feeling, a feeling deep in my gut that something was really wrong.

I walked two offices over to HR and closed the door. I sat in his black leather swirly chair, and said plainly, "I don't know what just happened. What just happened?"

"Anne, we have to let you go."

Let me go? Let me go where? What would happen without that space behind the big oak desk? "We won't contest unemployment," he said. "Let's go get your things."

And so I walked out. In minutes it was over. I was in my car, weeping for the first time in months. I was stunned. Everything would have to change. Even with unemployment I wouldn't be able to stay where I was; I would have to move in with my dad. Medical insurance companies would deny me medications, and I would have to desperately hunt for the pills that keep me alive. My dog would go to my mom to live, along with my car. I wouldn't find a job in this economy. I wouldn't be able to keep my life. Everything would change.

And everything did change. Now, I sit here on the beige couch under the single floor lamp ignoring the spreadsheet of jobs in front of me, and occasionally glancing at Facebook. I've been unemployed for 4 months, and I've worn a spot in this couch. Everything changed.

Uncertainty

Reverb today asks: What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

I could say the moment my therapist reminded me how lucky I am to have a safe place to fall. I could say watching snow fall and remembering why I wanted to come back here in the first place. I could say a lot of things about this year. But, they might be false memories. I don't know if everything is going to be alright.

There's so much uncertainty in my life right now: joblessness, dealing with addictions and wondering if I can do it on my own, Adam, finding a place to live, medical coverage. Everything is up in the air. I feel like I can't put down roots anywhere. Like the therapist says, I'm in limbo.

So is it all going to be alright? Yes, I'm sure it will be. Do I believe it yet? Maybe.

My head goes buzza buzza

My therapist calls it "limbo." It's that state I'm in right now where nothing is certain; where I don't really have anything, per se, I'm just holding. My life is all up in the air.

And it's true in all corners of my life. The unemployment for one. I can't really seem to find a job I want that wants me, too. I would like a nice career, but I suppose I just need someone to give me an offer before I can start being picky. And this all prevents me from settling down. Even if I'm going to stay in this area, it's got a lot of suburbs to the city, and I wouldn't know where I would be settling down. What state would I even register my car in? It's all up for grabs.

I can't really settle here, anyway, because now I'm looking all over the place for jobs. Who knows what city, what state I'll end up in. So I can't do things like get a regular hair cut person, or find an AA home group. I mean, I can do all these things, and I have, but I know they are just temporary, so I'm not holding on to them or investing much in them. It's all limbo.

And there's so much uncertainty to that. Will I be here 6 months from now still wondering why I don't have a job, and desperate enough to take any old thing that comes along? Will I be living up north? Will I be with Adam (since I'll have a year by then, and he'll have no excuse)? What does my life hold? I suppose these are the things that keep me up at night.

Change is fantastic

2010 = Change.

It all began on my birthday, really, not in January. Of course, that was only 2 months later. It began with a trip. I decided that in honor of the 30th year of my birth, I would take the time to treat myself. I gathered my resources and flew off to Europe to spend 2 weeks gallivanting around Switzerland, Austria, and Paris. I rented an apartment in Paris for a week and got to know the city in a way only a local can do. I got lost, I found treats, and I made sure to do all the touristy things I'd never done before. I walked the hell out of Paris.

By May I'd decided that alcohol was no longer a good influence on my life, and it had to go. I took that final step, and instead of drunkenly complaining about alcohol, I soberly took a pledge to stop drinking, and to seek help. I found the local AA meetings, got a sponsor, and started to take the steps seriously. I worked through the first 4, and gained a little serenity.

And then September. Oh, September. I lost my job. Fired, laid off, it's all the same. Whatever it was, it left me with a sense of relief, and yet a sense of pain and confusion. What a blow to the ego to lose your source of income and identification! What's the first question people ask? What do you do. And now I have to say: nothing. I job hunt. But again, a relief.

September also brought a big cross-country move, precipitated by the fact that I couldn't pay my rent without a job. I became a boomerang kid, and moved back in with my dad. I joined another group of statistics. It hasn't been bad - in fact, he's easy to live with.

In November I decided to gather another vice and throw it off the Anne train. Smoking had to go. After 15 years of half a pack a day, it was time to quit. And so I let go. I smoked my last cigarette on the 21st of November, and I haven't looked back.

It's the middle of December, and I've had over 10 interviews for new jobs. Will 2010 bring about another move and a new job, or will that be 2011? Whatever happens, 2010 will still be the best year of my life.

Unemployment rocks

Apparently I'll end up just as satisfied with life after unemployment as I was beforehand. I really hope not. I'm much more satisfied with life unemployed. Sure, there are tons of hardships and life is really uncertain, but it's better than working in a job you hate and struggling to get up in the morning.

There's nothing worse than hating what you do. When you have to get up in the morning and force yourself not to call in sick, there's something wrong. When you lose your job and feel nothing but relief, there was something wrong there.

I knew the job was bad the moment I walked in. My first manager turned out to be a micromanager who treated me more like an assistant than the manager I was. She would walk past the filing cabinet to put something that needed filing on my desk. How condescending. My second manager was fantastic, but spent most of her time out of the office. And we all know how my last manager worked. Crazy old man.

So it was a total relief to get out of there. I had been trying for months to get back to this coast, and it seemed to be working. I was getting interviews, and had a really good prospect. But unfortunately, that fell through at the last minute.

So here I am, unemployed and feeling pretty satisfied with the changes I've made in the past year, and hopeful for a great start to the new year.

Actionable steps

"Action: When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?"

2010 has been all about action: taking actions to make myself a better person. Quitting drinking, quitting smoking, unexpectedly getting the time to think about my next career move, reconnecting with old friends, traveling, moving cities, and all the while staying sane. It's been one hell of a year. Now, here I sit, unemployed, 30, and living in my dad's house. I'm part of the boomerang generation. But you know what? It's great! I've got a clean slate. I'm starting 2011 with everything in my past, and a blank slate for today.

So what's my next action?

I think the obvious thing is: get a job. Why? Well, I can't live here forever. I suppose I could, but I don't want to. I want to redesign my life, and I need a job to do that. I would like to find a career, though. I'm sick of being at jobs I hate. I'd like to find a real job, with real potential to be a long term gig.

Again, what's my next action?

I've networked my butt off lately, and applied for close to 200 jobs all across the coast. I'm looking all over, at businesses big and small, inside my current field and out. It seems a wide net, but I've been careful to only apply to those that sound like they would be interesting. I usually just apply to things that seem like I could do them, which is where I think I've been going wrong.

My next action: relax.

Does that seem counter-intuitive? I don't think it is. I've worked so hard to find work, that I think I need to let myself live it up a little. I've been using all my free time to job hunt, network, interview, or hone my skills. I think it's time to enjoy my unemployment a little. I was able to do that some while across the States, but it took the form of shopping, which we all know is a killer for an unemployed chicka. So how do I relax? I usually do it by travel, but again, the money isn't there.

So how do I relax? More apt, how do I relax without drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes? You tell me!

The job process

Got another rejection today from somewhere I interviewed. That's 3 out of 8 so far. We'll see what the rest of them do. I'm not holding out hope anymore. No one has called my references, and the only one I'm super qualified for is one I haven't heard a peep from despite them saying they were going to get back to me the next week (a month ago). I think that one would be nice, but we'll just have to wait.

Since the holidays are coming up, I'm not going to hold my breathe for a good job to show up on the searches, either. Nothing is coming up in the past few days, and I wouldn't expect to hear from anyone until after New Year's anyway.

So I probably wouldn't get a job until February, assuming interviews in January. My benefits run out in March, so please oh please I need a job before then. I really don't want to go back to making $11 an hour for really hard labor and long hours at a retail job. Plus, everyone does inventory in January, which would suck. They lock you in overnight and you count everything. Boo.

I'm grateful for you

Here are some good steps to take to be grateful. One of the things she talks about it keeping a gratitude journal, and thinking of everyone in your life, bad or good, as someone to be grateful for.

I'm frustrated in this interview process, but I have to be thankful for the people who have found my resume interesting and are taking time out of their work schedules to meet with me. I'm thankful to them. I'm also thankful for the opportunity to even apply for jobs. There are so many jobs out there that I have options, which is really nice.

I'm grateful to have my dog back. He makes me happy. It's great to cuddle with a small, warm dog on a cold night, and he's always so happy to see me. He's snoring on the couch right now, which is totally adorable.

I'm thankful for the support of my friends and family during this rough time. Everyone has been great, and supports my sobriety as well. People that I tell are all interested in congratulating me, and helping me by not drinking around me, or finding other ways to have fun. I'm definitely grateful for that.

I have a lot of good in my life right now. Sure, finding work is really hard, but I can do it. I'm doing it already.

Words of wisdom

"Just Remember: you will find another job, but if you lose your sanity you can't get it back."

I love that. If you lose your sanity in this process, you can't get it back. If you give up and give in to the depression the depression will take you over.

Tips for job loss

"6. Come to terms with why you were fired. Sometimes it's hard to be honest with ourselves, but when we are, we can learn from the experience. By coming to terms with why you were fired, you can analyze what you can do in the future to prevent this."

There are some great tips in this article, but this one stood out for me. Figure out why you were fired, and change that behavior. So why was I fired? A lot of people will say it was because my boss was a horrible jerk. Others will say my drinking caught up with me. But what would I say? I might say I just wasn't doing my job. I was lazy. I was stagnant.

Sure, I was trying, but I wasn't trying very hard. I was coasting along not really doing anything to make my work better. I was just doing the rote work. I could have tried harder. I could have done more for the company. I could have worked hard. But I didn't. I just worked, but I spent most of my time messing around - emailing friends, playing on Facebook, etc.

So what can I do next time? I can take work seriously. I can find a place I really want to work for, and I can do the best job I can. I can stay away from the internet during work hours, and just email friends on breaks. I can work.

PJs are the new power suit

“In this way, being unemployed is a lot like being depressed. You know how there are millions (O.K., a handful) of things you swear you would do if you only had the time? Now that I had all the time in the world — except for the hours during which I was looking for work — to read, write, watch birds, travel, play minor-key nocturnes, have lunch with friends, train a dog, get a dog, learn to cook, knit a sweater, iron the napkins and even the sheets, I had absolutely no energy for any of it. It made no difference that music and books and nature had long been the mainstays of my spirit. Just thinking about them exhausted me. I had absolutely zero experience in filling weeks — what if it became years? — with activity of my own choosing. Being unemployed meant being unoccupied, literally. I felt hollow.”

This is the best description of being unemployed. You really think, when you're working, that work just gets in the way of all sorts of stuff. "If I had time, I would travel, spend time with my family, meet my friends for lunch, etc." What's funny is I've been doing all of these things, and I still have tons of time on my hands. I suppose AA fills up some of that time, but not enough.

If only I could stop and read more. I have lots of magazines, and I have the time to read them, but I haven't really read in about a month. My eyes are tired, or I'm just tired from not really sleeping.

But that hollow feeling. I'm glad others have it as well. It's a weird feeling to have. I know that I've got so much going for me, and my life is actually pretty full, but I just feel lacking without a job. Jobs really define you as a person whether you like it or not. It makes people uncomfortable when I say I'm unemployed. It's kind of funny. They get quiet and weird, or talk about other people they know who are un- or underemployed. But sympathy doesn't really help. The only thing that will help is getting a job.

Self will run riot

"Psychological theories have traditionally explained depression as "Anger turned inward against the self." If you fail to live up to some internal standard of who or what you are supposed to be, some internal watchdog notes your failure and begins to let you know that you haven't been all that you could be--depression. People often talk about being angry with themselves because they have not accomplished or achieved or done what they think they should have. This explanation accounts for the diminished self esteem depressed people often report."

This is from an article on depression. Ah, the failure to live up to ideals. I think I need to be in one place in this time of my life, and I'm not. I thought I would be married with kids by now, but I got over that. I wonder if I'll just get over thinking I should be a career woman right now, and go back to working retail? I wonder when my unemployment runs out? I should look that up.

I do have high internal standards of who I'm supposed to be. I suppose everyone does. I'm constantly being told I'm too hard on myself, but aren't we all supposed to try and achieve? Aren't we all encouraged to reach for something better for ourselves? And what happens when it's all taken away from you by one swift action from an asshole like my old boss? What happens then? Well, wouldn't YOU be hard on yourself?

Girl, interrupted

"Old behavior brings old feelings -- new behavior brings new feelings. So if you want to feel differently, behave differently."

New behavior. I need to start getting back up at 8:30am and not sleeping till 2, like I have been for the past week. I need to not be up at 3am writing posts and not letting my dog sleep, either. I need to run more. All these behaviors will make me feel better, no doubt. And will I do them? Yeah, I'll get back on schedule. I will. I'm strong, and determined.

But tonight. Tonight I'm going to feel sorry for myself. I really don't do it enough. I tend to take the happy sunshine approach to everything. I really do need to just let myself wallow every now and again. I need to feel these feelings of loss and sadness instead of stuffing them down with peace and fake happiness. "Fake it til you make it" they say, but tonight I'm going to stay up and keep writing depressing posts.

Perhaps this is my emotional bottom. I've talked about it a little before, but boy am I feeling it now. I'm feeling like shit. God I miss my life. I miss having my own things, my own place, my car, my friends, my independence. I miss my life. I don't have a life here. I am living, true, but it's not a life. I don't want this. I moved west to get away from all this. I moved to feel better, and I did. Things were just getting good. I was in the middle of my best year yet. I was getting sober and making it even better. And then it all got interrupted by this shit.

Who said this could happen? Last time I was unemployed it was 4 months of misery. I was off my meds and crazier than a rat in shit. I lost my freaking mind. And this time? I'm on meds, but I'm feeling more because I'm not drinking. I drank my way through unemployment last time, and only felt better when I got a job. It's been 2 months, and now it's all catching up to me.