What is love?

Paulo Coelho is my favorite author. He writes a lot about love; self-love and love of others. He defines it in many ways, and has written numerous novels about it. He says, “Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.”

Ahh, waiting. We've all agreed that I have no patience. Waiting for love is an incredibly hard thing to do, but waiting for unrequited love is worse. It's something you know isn't coming, but you wait anyway. But yet, forgetting is painful, too. Forgetting means letting go; stop obsessing, stop thinking about it, stop making plans. What I need to do is make a decision. Do I forget, or do I wait some more?

I always have reasons to wait a little longer. I always see some sort of potential out there, some sort of something to hold on to. Well, perhaps it's time to let go. Perhaps that's my new year's resolution. Perhaps that's what I'll do: forget.

Misery is optional

Kevin was brilliant today. I've heard him speak before, but never his story. Besides being a great drunk, he's a genius. He said some things that I'm going to save for later posts, but the best part was:

"Pain is part of the recovery process. Misery is optional."

That's just what I needed today. Here I am, making myself miserable thinking about my life, and he tells me I really don't have to be that way. And then I was talking with a friend who said, you don't really have control, just influence. You can influence your life by taking your meds, and staying sober, and dealing with your issues. Influence.

So many smart people around me today. So, as I look back on my life and try to find where I've wronged or "been wronged" and write out my resentments, I can realize that I can influence the outcome of this process and not be miserable doing it. Sure, it may hurt like hell, but I don't have to hate myself. I can be objective. It's not an exercise in self-torture, it's an exercise in self-knowledge.