Only the lonely

I think I'm getting insomnia again. It was fine for a month, but I think I'm used to all the workouts now, and am back to my old sleeping schedule. It does help you think about a lot of stuff.

I've got a handful of really good friends - People I would do anything for, and who would do the same for me. But they're all so different. Emily, Adam, Michael, Amanda, Jennifer, Andrea. They all offer something different. Some piece of my heart that needs to be filled is filled by each one of them in varying ways.

But I think I'm ready for love. It's been a few years since Michael and I broke up, and I haven't been in a relationship since. I've been pining over Adam, but that's just silly and fruitless. I think it's time to find love again, somewhere outside of the people I know.

So where do you meet people? I have no idea. I tried Meetup.com, but being an alcoholic, it's hard to avoid alcoholic events. Do I meet people in AA? That just seems like a recipe for disaster. Plus, I'm never in the same place long enough. Maybe I just need to get laid.

Permission

They say in the program, we'll love you until you can love yourself. And you know what's funny? I love myself, now. I didn't used to.

I always thought it was just part of being bipolar. I had an innate hatred of myself. I used and abused every substance I could just to keep down that pain, to keep from feeling just how much I didn't like myself. I would wake up in the mornings and think, shit. Another day.

And then this program came along, and I stopped abusing myself. I stopped treating myself like shit. I started taking time to notice my feelings and work through them. I started doing little things for myself. Even just the buying myself flowers thing totally worked. Little by little, I started to like me.

I never know what I'm going to say in a meeting, but tonight I recounted that. "And the best part, is today, I gave myself permission to do something I've always wanted to do. I looked into a PhD program. I realized I liked myself enough to spend that time and money on improving myself. And that's only thanks to the program of recovery that AA offers."

So tonight, I'm celebrating me. I'm taking a shower, and going to bed.

Delirious

So I've been thinking about Adam again. We hung out the other night with all of our old friends and it was so great to see him having fun. It took a while for him to relax into the situation, but I think once he realized no one was judging him, he was ok. It was good to have everyone out together. It was so much like old times that I had the compulsion to make out with him.

Not like I don't have that compulsion all the time, anyway. Yep, it's been years now and I still can't seem to shake these feelings I have for him. I was able to "get over it" for a little bit, but every time we hang out I just want to yell, "Love me!" Of course there's stuff about him I don't like, and I hate his bedroom furniture, but that doesn't keep me from wanting to be with him. Do I want to date him? Kind of, yeah. Wait. Yes. I do. I want to be with him. I love him.

So, my options. Run away, which sounds wonderful and like the solution to all my problems; discuss it with him AGAIN, which sounds like slow, painful rejection; or tough it out. I have been applying to jobs all over the country, but there's this part of me that keeps saying, "But if you stay here, maybe it will happen...." But I can't live on that dream. He's said no, so I need to assume he means it. Which means I'm down to run away or tough it out.

I suppose it all depends on where I get a job. My whole life is dependent on jobs right now. Blah. I hate loving him so much.

It's in the soil

"The growing season has been long and unproductive. Perhaps it's the soil that lacks nutrition?" -Julie, on Adam.

She's a smart cookie. But I said I wouldn't talk about that anymore. He and I are just friends, and so I'm going to take that boundary to heart. I've successfully become just friends with many of my exes and had none of this lingering love crap. So I know I can do it. It's just a matter of setting those boundaries and sticking to them.

I feel good about this. I feel like it's a huge weight to know that he really just wants to be friends, and I really just want to be friends. When we were talking I said, "I'm not asking anything from you. I love you, but I don't want a relationship with you." And it made me really think. What's the point, then? Do I just love him as a friend and not know how to identify that? Am I just used to loving people less? Or in a different way? I don't know. But to realize that you don't want anything to come from it is something. What do I want?

I just want that friendship, too. I think part of me just wants the physical relationship because I need that kind of touch right now, and he's the best candidate. Maybe it's not about him at all? Ok, on to a different topic.

It's the end of the world as we know it

Well, pat me on the back and call me congratulatory. I managed to take my angsty, crying mess of a self out of the house and out with my cousin Diane and her son. We went to a cinema and saw Megamind, which is super cute and adult-funny, but kid-funny, too. The 3 year old had as much fun as we did, eating nachos and candy and annoying the hell out of the woman in front of us.

When I got there, I was a mess. Adam had just called and we'd talked, again, about being friends. Neither of us, apparently, knows how to just be friends. He thinks I'm reading into his body language and doesn't know what to do with my profession of love. Sigh. I called him selfish. Ever since he's taken on self-help as a full time job all he does is talk about how things are fair or unfair to him; how his growing up affects him; etc. Which is great. It's good to dig deep and realize why you do the things you do and change the things that don't work. But oftentimes what comes out of his mouth just sounds self-centered. Which, again, I suppose is just fine. It doesn't affect me, except to make my eyes roll.

I told him I didn't want anything from him. I asked what he wanted from me. "Friendship. I want to give love and receive love." Awesome. Now we know our boundaries. Now we can reinforce them. I told him the physical stuff was too much for me, and he got a little defensive about "arbitrary lines you're drawing." I'm pretty sure there's a standard of appropriate and inappropriate. I'll just tell him to pretend I'm his sister Jane and act accordingly.

So I didn't do it right, and yeah, I ended up a mess after he had to hang up because he had an appointment, and yeah, I tried to cancel my date, but I went anyway and had a good time. And I've had a little time to think. I don't want anything from him. I don't want a relationship with him. I do just want to be friends; the love I have for him can be directed that way. The more I set and stick to boundaries the better off I'll be, and the better able I'll be to just tend the friendship.

I'm sick of talking about this, as I'm sure you're sick of reading about it. So I'll stop. Next post: something fascinating from the world of science!

Sigh.

I haven't slept yet. Granted, I did have a 3 1/2 hour conversation with Jennifer to keep me awake, but I decided it just wasn't worth going to sleep afterwards. I mean, all I'm going to do is lie there and be angsty, so I might as well sit here and type.

I've been all over the map tonight, but I think one thing is clear: change is on the horizon, again. I suppose 30 has been the year of changes, and it's still got almost 2 months to continue. Jesus, I don't even want to know what else could possibly change in my life.

But now the big change is my heart. I have decided I can't go on letting myself be deluded into thinking about Adam as a potential love affair. He and I are just friends, and so I'm going to start acting like it. What does it mean? I don't really know, yet. I'll have to play it by ear. But I do remember something....

I never was convinced he loved me in the first place. When we were dating I always thought it was a trick. And he definitely loved getting high more than me, because he would ditch me for a drink any time. I didn't notice it then, but I knew something wasn't right. When we broke up I had this incredible sense of relief. I know, it sounds awful, but I was so relieved I didn't have to be scared anymore that the person I was with didn't love me. I didn't have to love someone so much and always wonder. I could just be free to be me.

So why would I want that kind of love back? I can't figure it out, either, but again, the heart is a tricky thing. It's kind of freeing to give up again; to say ok, I'm done. You win. Now I can just focus on me and not have to care what's going on between his ears unless he calls and wants to talk about something. That's what friends do, right? Friends don't obsess.

I'm so sick of the obsessing and the obsession. Pining and moping, dreaming and thinking about it all the fucking time. So boring. Wow, what am I going to do with all my free time?

Let it slide

You say forget it, and you mean it. You think it through, rationalize, meditate, investigate, do all those things that make sense. You see it from different angles and perspectives. You see the outsiders viewpoint; you look at what your friends are telling you; you see the community input.

It's over. It's just not worth the struggle. It's fine, you think, you mean it, even. This is for the best. These things just happen like this. Life doesn't care what you think you want. And what is a want, really? Just a need overblown? Or not even a need. Do you really need this? Is this something you can't live without? Is it just a want?

It's ok to want. Wanting makes you human, but is it irrational? You tell yourself so. You think out loud that this is just silly and you're totally over it.

And then you sit down next to him at dinner and he pokes your knee and smiles. You can smell him: the way the soap mixes with his skin, and all you want to do is take in a deep breath. He touches your hand and you don't jump like you do to all other touch. In fact, you want more. He looks at you and you don't want him to look away.

He takes you home. The whole time all you can think of is there must be an excuse to stay longer; to linger a bit more in his presence. Instead, he brings up his ex girlfriend and you cringe inside. It's all a lie. The way he looks at you; can't stop touching you; it's all a lie. He doesn't mean it. Not the way you think, or want, or need. It's just him, being him, and you, being you.

So you go home, alone, and tell yourself it's all over. It doesn't matter anymore. You should just let it go. It's not that important anyway. But you're still breathing in deeply to smell his smell on your scarf and hoping somewhere deep down that he'll turn that car around.

Brida

"She wanted to follow all possible paths and so ended up following none. After her first romantic disappointment, she had never again given herself entirely. She feared pain, loss, and separation.

These things were inevitable on the path to love, and the only way of avoiding them was by deciding not to take that path at all. In order not to suffer, you had to renounce love. It was like putting out your own eyes not to see the bad things in life."

Paulo Coehlo is a genius.

Dinner, but no movie

Adam and I went out yesterday and had dinner and then went out for coffee after. We checked out a place he likes that is new to me, but it was a nice little coffee shop in a great, burgeoning section of town. We grabbed some coffee and then sat in the window and settled in for a game of backgammon.

As you may have figured out by now, Adam and I are a lot alike. We're both pretty open and loving people, but also both really stubborn and can be immovable objects. And man can we fight. So a little game of backgammon turned into yelling in the parking lot and trying not to cry in the car, making sure he didn't notice. I was pissed, and just wanted to get the hell away from him at that moment, but there was no other place I wanted to be than beside him. Tragic, isn't it?

We drove in almost silence back to my house, occasionally spitting out something about how one was sorry, or this was about more than backgammon, and then he asked me what else was going on. I spit out, "My life is fucking miserable right now." And then realized what I had done. Luckily, he didn't run with it, but it's out there. Like he didn't know I was miserable, but I'm not, really. I'm just depressed, I think. I mean, I have a lot to be grateful for, and a lot of great things going. I have so many opportunities right now. And that's where I'm at the majority of the time. It's just the occasional feeling sorry for myself and horribly miserable. It's getting worse the longer I'm unemployed, but at least I can monitor it with my doc.

Anyway, that set me off. We pulled up at the intersection of two highways and I managed to squeak out through tears, "Please don't make me go home." He jacked the wheel and pulled us onto the highway that led to his house.

This morning when we got up we had breakfast, played video games, and then ran errands. I finally got some sunglasses to replace the ones I lost on Christmas, so I don't feel as blind outdoors now. He got a great shirt and the biggest damn umbrella I've ever seen. Well, I've seen bigger, but it's big. We had pizza and sodas, and then he returned me to my house. It was a really nice day, or two days. I had fun with him, like always, and we got in a little time cuddling, too, which is good for the soul.

He dropped me off and said, "It's almost like we went on a date last night." I said something snarky about not taking it personally, and immediately regretted it. He was being sweet, and I was jabbing it back in his face because his nicety hurt. Like a date. We have the weirdest relationship. If anyone on the outside looked at us they would think we're dating, but we're not. We just have a very touchy-feely, intimate kind of relationship. Does that bother me? Sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I'm dating someone who doesn't want to have sex with me, and other times I feel like he's just my best friend and we're both just lonely and need physical contact. I don't know what it is, and I suppose it's the former, because I tend to lash out at him when he says nice things like that.

His birthday is next week and I suggested we do this again and I'll make him breakfast in bed. Perhaps I'll just come over in the morning and do it. He said he needs to be careful who he sleeps with, and almost explained, but then as he remembered I reminded him he didn't need to explain himself. He said he'd been warned. One word: sponsor.

I don't know if it's that I don't have a year, or that I'm unemployed and depressed, or that I hurt him in the past, or that he's only a year out of a long-term relationship, or if it's all of those things or none. All I know is it drives me crazy how careful he's being. As his friend, I want him to be careful, I want him to be sure. But as a girl I hope is a prospect for him, I'm sick of the excuses. He says he doesn't know how he feels about me, but if I can read body language at all, then that has to be a cover for something else, something like, I'm scared.

Meds = Happiness?

The picture is right: I don't know how anyone else does it without meds. The world can just be such a disappointing place to live. There are horrible things that happen in the world; horrible, depressing things that make you question the whole purpose of humanity.

But then there are the great things in life: the trees and lakes, the smell of rain, snowflakes that stay on your nose and eyelashes, love. The world can be a beautiful place. And I suppose that's how most people get by: they focus on the good; they have short term memory for the bad. At least, that sounds right to me.

It's all the same

Adam and I had another fight last night about my involvement in AA. He talked about what worked for him in his first year; how he fought it tooth and nail, and then gave in to it. "I know it's worked for you. I saw how great it was for you in your first year." His face turned red. "You have no idea! You weren't there!"

And I wasn't. After we broke up I lost my mind. I slept with my boss, I went out to drink every single night till I was so drunk I fell asleep on the train, I acted like the 25 year old fool I was. I was broken by our breakup, and everything about me showed it. But I wasn't there for him. I avoided him. I couldn't see him. I couldn't stand it. The pain was deep, and I knew he wouldn't succeed with me in the way.

When Adam and I get together we often talk about our breakup. "Why does it always come back to this," I asked. "It was a watershed moment in both of our lives," he replied. And it's true. It was something that changed me forever. And him. But how will it work out in the end?

Joy to the world, the dog has come

Reverb: What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

Ordinary? Well, I could say getting cookies in the mail, when Adam came out of the airport, or getting fired, but none of those were ordinary moments. All of them were once in a lifetime, or extraordinary events. But one thing that happened all the time made me especially happy one day.

I had had a bad day at work, as usual. I was feeling like I wanted to scream, or cry, or both. My boss just... well... he was just him. I left work downhearted and walked to my car across four lanes of traffic, in the concrete jungle. I was thinking how I just needed to get away, how I needed a new job, how I was just depressed. I had been depressed for half a year, at least. Just a low level depression, but enough to put me to bed at 8am every night.

I drove down the highway contemplating change. Anything to get out of where I was - to feel better. I thought about going home for a week, or just upright moving somewhere else. I thought about taking a day off and heading for the mountains. I daydreamed all the way home.

But when I walked in the door I was greeted with squeaking and kisses. He leaped into my arms and licked my face, and I was happy again. Just that simple love of a dog made everything else alright. Everything in that moment was joy and love; the love of a little dog.

And now he's over at my mom's, and has really become her dog. It makes me a little sad, and I miss him, but both of them are happy, and that makes me happy. I'm glad I could give her something to love that would love her back in the same way.

So one tiny little dog has caused innumerable joy across my family. Thanks puppy.

Recap: National Football Day

So I didn't make it on a run today, but I did get to see Emily and her family. She's in town for a week with her family visiting her parents and I got to go over and eat warm turkey sandwiches with lots of gravy, and homemade apple pie. Oh man, so good. The pie especially. It was easy, too, they offered me a beer and I just said no. When they started mixing up the Bailey's milkshakes I just said I should get going and headed back home. I blamed the snow, but I really didn't want to hang out while they all got wasted. They're a very drunk family, but very funny and wonderfully supportive.

Adam texted this morning, after reading yesterdays post, and said, "Sometimes you're really thick." I honestly don't know what he means. I honestly don't know what you mean! He's been telling me he doesn't know how he feels about me, and that he doesn't want anything, so why shouldn't I believe him? It was a wonderful kiss, but I am taking it as just that: a kiss. It doesn't mean he wants me, unless he says so. Right? I mean, I'm trying not to read into anything. I'm trying to be objective here. 3 weeks ago I would have taken it as a sign of something. Should I? I told him I'd come back and test the mistletoe again, but he didn't text back.

Anyway, I had pie, again, so it's time to go for a run tomorrow. I'll have lots of time to space out or think then. I'll probably space. It's nice to just stare at the scenery when you run. It's like meditation time. You get to clear your mind of everything but the sound and feel of your feet hitting the pavement and the feeling in your lungs. Sometimes I count my steps just for the rhythm of it. 1,2, 3, 4....

God is the fabric of your life

I went to Christmas mass with the family tonight and got to see a lot of little kids doing the Christmas pageant and singing while dressed up as angels. They had the little tinsel halos on, just like I did when I sang in the choir as a kid. Some things never change.

I sat there, well, stood there because there were too many people, and listened to kids read the gospels and letters about Jesus, and listened to the incredible Christmas carols by the church choir/band. Usually I hate that church because they have a band, and I don't want a bunch of people up there making up songs or singing stuff written in the 1970s. I want something written in the 1790s. I like the original sounds of Christmas, besides Mariah Carey, of course.

But the best part of the mass was the homily. The priest commented on a man he met earlier in the day who he had to turn away from the free lunch program because they had closed for the day. It was the man's birthday, and so the priest gave him a dollar for every year of his life. "Since you can't come in here, where are you going to go?" "Assembly of God is open," he replied. The church roared with laughter. See, Assembly of God isn't a Catholic church, but it is right down the road.

And the priest's point was, and he said: "God is in the fabric of everything. He's in the fabric of that man's life, he's in the fabric of my life, and he's in the fabric of yours."

God is everywhere. He's in all things we do, and all things we see. He's everywhere. He's in the flowers and the animals, the people around you, the snow or the sun. It's pretty amazing. And what a nice thought at this Christmastime. I keep getting away from the church just because I never want to wake up on Sunday's, but I do like going to church. I think I'm going to start getting up again.

Paulo Coelho speaks

Traditional religious practices are important: they allow us to share with others the communal experience of adoration and prayer. But we must never forget that spiritual experience is above all a practical experience of love. And with love, there are no rules. Some may try to control their emotions and develop strategies for their behavior; others may turn to reading books of advice from "experts" on relationships---but this ia all folly. The heart decides, and what it decides is all that really matters.

All of us have had this experience. At some point, we have each said through our tears, "I'm suffering for a love that's not worth it." We suffer because we feel we are giving more than we recieve. We suffer because our loe is going unrecognized. We suffer because we are unable to impose our own rules.

But ultimately there is no good reason for our suffering, for in every love lies the seed of our growth. The more we love, the closer we come tto spiritual experience. Those who are truly enlightened, those whose souls are illuminated by love, have been able to overcome all of the inhibitions and preconceptions of ther era. They have been able to sing, to laugh, and to pray out loud; they have danced and shared what Saint Paul called "the madness of santliness." They have been joyful---because those who love conquer the world and have no fear of loss. True love is an act of total surrender.

(Text: Source:
Paulo Coelho writes in Author's Note of the story "By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept")

What is love?

Paulo Coelho is my favorite author. He writes a lot about love; self-love and love of others. He defines it in many ways, and has written numerous novels about it. He says, “Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.”

Ahh, waiting. We've all agreed that I have no patience. Waiting for love is an incredibly hard thing to do, but waiting for unrequited love is worse. It's something you know isn't coming, but you wait anyway. But yet, forgetting is painful, too. Forgetting means letting go; stop obsessing, stop thinking about it, stop making plans. What I need to do is make a decision. Do I forget, or do I wait some more?

I always have reasons to wait a little longer. I always see some sort of potential out there, some sort of something to hold on to. Well, perhaps it's time to let go. Perhaps that's my new year's resolution. Perhaps that's what I'll do: forget.

A little self loving

Like any addiction, love addiction therapy recommends self-care as a tool to healing. Something I'm doing for self-care right now is listening to Christmas music. I love it so much. I can't wait for this time of year. I decorate, make Christmas cookies, listen non-stop to Christmas music, and pray for snow. It really is the most wonderful time of the year for me.

Some other things I'm doing for self-care are eating well, blogging (it's like journaling, which spell-check says is not a word), thinking about exercising (ok, so I did it once this week. Maybe I'll get out there again), and spending quality time with my dad and grandma. I suppose napping is self-care, but not at the rate I do it. I sleep all the time, which is probably a bad thing. I'm just so tired. I can't seem to sleep at night, and then I sleep during the day, almost all day. When I get up I just don't have the energy for anything. I need to fix that before I hit a bad depression.

What else can I do for self-care? I can take a hot shower. I'm freezing in here, and I need to wash my hair. I only do it every 3 days or so, because it's better for colored hair. I have this nice shampoo and conditioner that I treated myself to. It's nice to take a long shower like that. I wonder what else I can do?

Yes, there is a love addicts anonymous

Really, Love addict totally nails it for me. "Enters relationship in haze of fantasy--found this stable, strong, accepting individual." "Love addict acts out anger & revenge, turns to affairs and addictive sex." "Line up next relationship before leaving current one--forming love triangles. Instant closeness, looking for “magic” feeling."

Sigh. Yes, there is a love addicts anonymous, and they have 40 questions about whether or not you are a love addict. "More than once, you have carried a torch for someone and it was agonizing." Sigh, two. I have that unhealthy obsession with Adam we've talked about. I totally want him and he doesn't want me. I agonize over why he doesn't want me. I think about it and daydream, and dream, about the day we'll be together. And it makes me crazy. These are totally love addict responses.

So what to do? I'm sure as hell not going to go to more meetings, even if there were some in the area. I have enough trouble hitting AA meetings. So what do I do? I'm sure someone out there would say to use the steps. Do a sex inventory. Make amends to all the people I've cheated on (all of them except Adam). Most of my amends list is just these boys anyway. I suppose it's time to start working on my co-dependency problem.

A lot of the info out there talks about not being able to let go; remaining friends with all your exes; keeping them in love with you. I do that. Michael admitted he's still in love with me, and I do everything to keep it that way. We have sex when I see him (though we hadn't for months), I let him take me out to dinner, etc. I'm great friends with all of my exes, even the fiance I left and cheated on. I don't know why, but he still talks to me. A lot of them talk about how I'm the one who got away. They're crazy! I was a manipulative bitch who cheated on them, and they all know it!

Love addict. Co-dependent. Totally makes more sense than commitment-phobe.

Love addict?

The title of the article below is "Healthy Sexuality for Co-Dependents." Co-dependency is defined as "is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others."

The article says: "Our sexual energy may be blocked. Or for some of us, sex may be the only way we learned to connect with people. Our sexuality may not be connected to the rest of us; sex may not be connected to love – for others or ourselves."

Sex has never been connected to love for me. Sex for me is a way to get to know people better, to connect to them. It's just something fun to do. I always worry about the other person and if they enjoy it, and Michael always said I get really passive. I'm not a passive person at all, I don't think, but during sex I totally am.

I'm not sure what any of this means, or how to fix it. There's tons of stuff out there about sex and co-dependency, but I just can't weed through it all. I know I don't have an addiction, per se. I guess the best description is a love addict/avoidant person.

In that last article it has a chart, and one of the things a love addict/avoidant does is "Avoidant gradually becomes distant and shuts down, abandons relationship in some way." That is totally me. Remember when we were talking about commitment issues? This sounds more like it. I idealize and obsess over the person, and then pull away, often getting angry at the person for no reason whatsoever. Fascinating.

Love is for keeps

"How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?"

It was a gradual change, and it took me a bit to notice, but it was all there: love and understanding. It wasn't one friend, but all of them. They showed me caring and compassion I've never known, or perhaps just never noticed.

As you all know by now, I quit drinking on May 27, 2010. I was wasted the night before, and realized I was wasting my life. I was filling that sad hole inside with booze and drugs, and I was miserable. I didn't want to end up 40 and that drunken embarrassment. And so I quit. I made up my mind, and I did it.

I got a sponsor and let myself follow all the traditions of AA. And I made friends, I loved it. I moved here 4 months later and got a new sponsor. "You hang out with people who drink?" she wondered. "Our friends when we were drinking hung out because we were fun; because we drank." Really? But I was pretty sure my friends loved me.

But as the months passed I noticed something. My relationships all changed. Something happened. Each day they counted on me a little bit more. I wasn't the one who would come over just to drink, and so they invited me over more. We had dinner and sat around drinking coffee. At parties it was always, "Is it ok if I have a drink? I don't have to if it makes you want one." They were so considerate of my new found sobriety.

As the months passed they relied on me more. They called me in the middle of the night to talk about their problems; they trusted me to be there for them and not to be drunkenly complaining about my life, or whatever I did blacked out on the phone. And so it all changed. Gradually, but my friends made my life better, and I contributed to theirs in a healthier way. My whole perspective on friendship changed when I got sober: I knew I had love in my life. I knew it was for keeps.