Pride

The 12 and 12 talks about the seven deadly sins we look at in our inventory (step 4). I've come to realize lately that I have a big nasty one: pride.

Now, pride can be a good, or a bad thing. It's good to look inside and see the good things about yourself and be accepting and even proud of them. But what I'm talking about it the pride of self that says, "I am better and stronger than everyone else, and therefore I don't need them." Sure, I take criticism. I listen when people point out my flaws, but I've always thought I was better than other people. People are inherently weak and flawed, so I have to be stronger and more "perfect."

But no man is an island. The moment I walked into the rooms of AA I admitted I wasn't all powerful, and in fact, flawed. I admitted that I needed the help of other people to make me a better person. I admitted defeat and made my first small steps towards humility.

Look deep into my eyes

Insight into the cause of your problems is a good starting place for feeling better, but it's not going to change your life. Action is.

The New York Times had a neat op-ed this morning saying basically that, which I've been thinking forever, now. I am therapy and meds' number one fan, but you've gotta take those as tools and run with them. The op-ed talks about a young man who had been through therapy and understood the basic causes of his troubles with life; his early problems with his parents were to blame. But, "When he became depressed, though, this insight added to his pain as he berated himself for failing to stand up to his father and follow his own path." Exactly! It doesn't help you to just know the background, you've got to do something with that knowledge.

Julie and my old therapist have both asked me what my plans are for therapy. I had no idea. I mean, I've spent 15 years in therapy, and I'm pretty sure I'm angry and know why, but what good is talking about it all the time? I've forgiven my mom for a lot of things, and my dad, too. A fourth step was, I'm sure, easier because of all the work I'd already done. But the past few years I've been using therapy as a tool to deal with the day-to-day. Is that the right use of it? Where should therapy take me now?

There are some basic goals for therapy: crisis management (which we're kinda in right now), coping strategies (check), long-term pattern changes (good idea), symptom-reduction (check), self-examination (check), and prevention of relapse (which goes with the crisis for me).

Right now, I'm definitely in crisis management and prevention of relapse. But once I've got a job, meds, and a sponsor, where should we go from there? I suppose it's just taking those character defects from step 4 and working through them. Does that make any sense?

Yeah, yeah, I know

I made it to a meeting this morning, thanks to Adam. He had to go to the doc, and so I got dropped off at the club to fend for myself for an hour. Not a bad deal. I ran into a friend there, too. A woman who was sponsored by my old sponsor was there with another woman. She came up to me after the meeting to ask how I was, and to tell me she relapsed over Christmas. To tell the truth, I'm not surprised. She was having a tough go of it, and my old sponsor was only annoying her. "I'm giving her another 90 days and then I'm going to figure it out," she said. I told her to hang in there with the sponsor and to call me if she needed anything. I hope she does. She's unemployed, too, and without a license, so it's tough for her to get around.

The meeting was the fifth step from the 12x12. I should be on my fifth step right now. I've got a finished fourth step just sitting there waiting for a sponsor, but I heard something good this morning. A man said even when he sponsors people he doesn't hear their fifth step. "I think it's best done with a member of the clergy or a therapist. I may have experience being sober, but I'm not trained for when people fall apart."

I had been thinking of doing the fifth with a priest anyway. Before I got sober I "did a fifth step," or like we call it in the church, I went to confession. I was serious about it, and told him everything. All the dirty little secrets only I knew. And though he had a little look of shock, he told me that God forgave me, as long as I wasn't going to go back out and repeat myself. I have never felt the grace of God like I did at that momemnt. I felt light and free! I still remember that feeling to this day, and it's been 2 years or so. Maybe 3.

But I do need to find myself a sponsor. I'm not sure where to look for one. I don't know if the club near me will really be a good hunting ground. It's mostly men, and I seem to be hitting all the old biker guy meetings. I want someone older than me, and so this is a good spot to look, but who knows. Time to get serious about it, I suppose!

A little of that healing touch

So false pride became the reverse side of that ruinous coin marked "Fear." - 12 & 12

Reverb today asks: how would you like to be healed in 2011. Oh, how wouldn't I. I suppose doing my fourth step, I'll figure out more about what's wrong with me in the first place, but what I really want, what I'd like to see healed is my ego. Oh! How wrong of an alcoholic, and how typical, to say it. After all, they say ego gets in the way of our path to sobriety. Ego is what keeps us drinking. We have to rid ourselves of pride and ego in order to beat this thing back.

But I'd really like a little pride back. A little ego. Maybe I should just call it self-love, or being proud of oneself. That's what I really mean, after all. It's tough to be unemployed and think of yourself as anything but a loser, especially in this town. It's a busy town, where the first question people ask is, "So what do you do? Who do you work for?" And I have to say, I'm job hunting. I suppose I could lie and say I'm taking some time off or something, and I sure don't have to say I was fired, but I'm taking that situation by situation. Some days I'm feeling creative and say I work for the state, and some days I just say I'm unemployed.

I would like a little pride healed up, though. I took a really big blow this year, and as time passes the wound just gets salted with every unemployment check I receive. And how would that all work? Does having a job really mean you have self-worth? No. I know it doesn't, but sometimes logic doesn't win. Sometimes you just feel things, and I feel worthless without a job. I feel like my pride is nonexistent. I sleep and don't leave the house. I feel like I have nothing to share with anyone (though I keep typing to you, apparently).

So yeah, 2011, I'll take some pride.

7 questions

There's a blogger out there who says he uses 7 questions to see if someone is really serious in their journey to AA.

Here are the Seven Questions:

1. In looking back over your life – what memories are still painful, guilty, dirty?
2. In what ways do you consider yourself an inadequate person?
3. Who do you resent – and why? Be specific.
4. What do you conceive to be your defects of character – as you see them today?
5. What is the nature of the ongoing problems you have with people close to you – in human relations – what seems to always happen when you have these things that blow up?
6. In what way do you believe that A.A. can help you with any of these problems?
7. In what way do you believe that A.A. can begin to change things?

He says if someone takes longer than a day to address the questions, he thinks they're not ready and moves on. In the beginning I would have done these in an hour. Now, I'm just thinking about thinking about them. I probably wouldn't sit down with my journal and do it (though I just might now that I've thought about how silly that is - not to address important things).

So what memories are painful? Well, let me tell you they all deal with my mom. There's just so much there. I think I couldn't cover it all in a day. And inadequacy, well, without a job I feel like I'm completely inadequate. I think not having patience makes me inadequate. My resentments. That's a whole 8 pages at this point. I've gotten that far in my fourth step.

My defects of character: impatience, impulsivity, emotionally blocked off from people, cruel sometimes, and I'm sure there is more. What always seems to happen is I pull away from people. Once I'm sure they love me, I pull back and try to protect myself from what could possibly happen. Can AA help me? Can AA change things?

Emotional Sobriety

We've talked a little about emotional sobriety, and I found something that I thought was interesting to share.

"Emotional intelligence consists of four core abilities:

Self-awareness – The ability to recognize your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behavior, know your strengths and weaknesses, and have self-confidence.

Self-management – The ability to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, manage your emotions in healthy ways, take initiative, follow through on commitments, and adapt to changing circumstances.

Social awareness – The ability to understand the emotions, needs, and concerns of other people, pick up on emotional cues, feel comfortable socially, and recognize the power dynamics in a group or organization.

Relationship management – The ability to develop and maintain good relationships, communicate clearly, inspire and influence others, work well in a team, and manage conflict."

So I've got social awareness down, and I'm pretty sure I'm good in the relationship management part, but the italicized stuff is tough for me, and I'm sure for a lot of you.

Oh, to know my strengths and weaknesses. To finish my fourth step. Yeah, I know, I'm still behind in that manner. I've been working on thinking about doing it. I'm still waiting to look at it and think, "Oh yeah, that's why I do that." And a lot of reasons why I "do that" is the other thing, self-management. I'm impulsive. I know it. I say what's on my mind, sometimes to the determent of the conversation. I pick up and move in a week because I think it's the right thing to do (and it was. I'm just saying, I'm often right.)

Perhaps some of this will end up on my fourth step, but I don't know how you do things about emotional sobriety. I need to recognize these character defects and be able to, well, to at least recognize them. I suppose once I know what they are I'll be better able to handle them.

Stop talking about it and do it

Thanks to Guinevere over on Guinevere Gets Sober for turning me on to Reverb10. "Reverb 10 is an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next." I am woefully behind, but I'm going to start with yesterday's prompt: what are 11 things my life doesn't need in 2011.

I can not believe it's almost 2011, by the way. I think in 2010 I've been able to get rid of a hell of a lot so far. It's been the year of shedding bad vices and pulling myself into a new way of life. So what else can I shed? What else can I get rid of?

1. Diet Coke. That's right, I can rid myself of one more addiction. Will I do it? Tune in....

2. Laziness. How in the hell is that possible! I have to figure out why I'm so lazy, first, which leads me to....

3. Procrastination.

4. Clothes. I have a Loft addiction, and my closet is bursting with price tags from new clothes. I don't have a lot of closet space, and I sure as hell don't have anywhere else to put things (no dresser space), so it's time to purge.

5. Lying. I've got to stop lying to my sponsor about going to meetings. Jesus, this is like a fourth step list now!

6. All of these things seem to be in the "addict behavior" category. My addictions, like diet Coke and shopping. My behaviors like lying, procrastinating, being lazy, and impulsive. Doing stuff under the radar and doing things I know I shouldn't, like sleeping with Michael and talking about getting married just for the health insurance. All these things are old behaviors I really need to get rid of.

All of these things I can rid myself of, but all in a year? I suppose that's where AA comes in. Actually DOING my fourth step instead of stopping mid-stream and ignoring it for a while. So maybe that's my end of year resolution: do my fourth step.

What is happiness?

There's really a Wiki for everything. From WikiAnswers on how to get over someone: It's not about getting over a person, it's about feeling good about yourself. It's about knowing that you are the most important and you need to be happy. If this other person doesn't feel the same way, it doesn't really matter.

It's about being happy in my skin. I don't hate myself, anymore. Really. I like the way I dress, the way I look on the outside. I like how much more dependable I've become since I quit drinking. I think I'm compassionate and kind. I could work a little more on being a better worker and not so lazy, but that's all going to come as I start to focus more on myself.

So when you take Adam and unemployment/living at home out of the equation, am I happy? I think so (thank you Abilify). I don't want to die, so that's a good thing. I guess I'm not sure what happiness in your own skin really looks like or feels like.

From an interesting short story by Ikeda: "...the secret of happiness lay in building a strong inner self that no trial or hardship could ruin. She saw that happiness for anyone - man or woman - does not come simply from having a formal education, from wealth or from marriage. It begins with having the strength to confront and conquer one's own weaknesses."

To conquer one's own weaknesses. Well, this all relates back to step four, now doesn't it? Finding my character defects and getting the strength or even just willingness to overcome them. Perhaps through this process I will learn what happiness really is.

A habit in a hat

Jesus, now all I want is a cigarette. We have one intense conversation and all I could think was "When can I smoke?" I really do associate comfort and all other emotions with cigarettes. Breaking those habits are going to be really hard. I think once it's been 12 hours the nicotine is out of your system, so I'm good there, but habits take a lifetime to build.

It's just like AA or Weight Watchers, or anything else you do to try and change your life: it's all about changing the underlying behaviors. You have to learn to deal with your emotions in a better, less dopamine-riddled way. You can't just add a substance and feel good for a minute and expect that feeling to never return. It's going to be there until you deal with it, which is why we keep going back for more substances.

So I need to change a lot about me in the coming months. I suppose that's part of my fourth step, now isn't it. I'm on the column where you label what the resentment you have stems from. Is it because it dealt with your fears, stability, security, sex? What did it "threaten," or so that's how I interpret the step.

There's a lot I need to deal with. So how am I going to change? Well, I'm going to try and associate walking with just walking, not smoking. I need to figure out how to get somewhere early and not feel the need to "kill time." I need to still learn how to have fun and not feel awkward without alcohol. I need to get over Adam.

Stuffing down the pain

"Our fear of pain is what leads us to addiction. We can't bear the pain of our current situation or the memories of a painful past, so we numb ourselves in an effort not to feel it.

The irony here is that our efforts to avoid pain just cause us more pain--and make true happiness impossible. We don't take the risk, so we never get what we want. We don't face the difficult past, so we are never free of that pain. We don't sort out the painful present, so we never make things right. And the pain just goes on and on. We can't be numb 100 percent of the time. And in sobriety, we can't be numb at all. So we need to learn how to experience our pain--truly feel it--and just sit with it."

Ah, numbing the pain. I know how to do that so well. I use drugs, alcohol, sex, food, tattoos... anything I can get my hand on to make that pain go away. All that stuff I've been stuffing down for decades now. But in sobriety, it's got to come out.

I'm working on my fourth step again; looking at all the resentments I have against other people. The list just keeps growing, as I'm sure it will continue to do over the course of my life. I suppose even people with serenity get mad every now and again. Hopefully I can figure out what that means about me, and how to let God lift some of those things away from me.

Being fired probably was my fault

It gets you no where to think that other people are the source of your problems. I have been thinking that my old boss was just a jackass who didn't like me. But tonight I was talking to the ladies and they suggested something: maybe they did know about my alcoholism and it just took a while to catch up?

It had been three months since I quit drinking when I got fired, but perhaps they were just waiting till I had finished that project? I was working on something big, but they did fire me right before an event I was working on.

I had shown up to work drunk or hungover all the time. I fell asleep at my desk almost every day. I really wasn't accomplishing anything because of my alcoholism and depression. I did play a part in this, but it wasn't my fault. It was no one's fault. I can't beat myself up over it, I just need to acknowledge my part in it. And that's part of step four.

Step four in baby steps

In step four "We are trying to free ourselves of living in old, useless patterns. We take the Fourth Step to gain the necessary strength and insight which enables us to grow."

I'm still on step four, making my inventory. I've got about 8 pages or more of crap that bugs me, and most of it is about myself. Things I've done that I regret or wonder why I did it. Things that stick in my mind. I'm also only on column 2, writing down what I resent.

I wish my sponsor was more responsive. I want to do the third and fourth columns eventually, and she's just not around to do them with me. I don't want to go this process alone, which is why you get a sponsor in the first place, right? I also don't want to start all over with someone new, yet. I want to at least finish my fourth step the first time before I start all over again. I'm going to call her this week and see if she can meet. She's moving this weekend, so I know that's out.

Resentments kill

Forgiveness is good for your health. According to researchers, just letting go of the anger and resentment can make a huge difference in your mental and physical health. When you carry all that shit around, you just carry a heavy load on your own shoulders. Being mad at someone or something doesn't hurt that other person, it just hurts you.

That's why step four is so important. Making an inventory of all the people, places, things, and ideas that bug you and make you want to tear your hair out (or drink) helps you look at the things you're carrying around. It's like stopping the cab, pulling over and emptying your suitcase. Sometimes there are things in there you don't need to be carrying anymore.

AA also asks you to pray for others. When someone is being a pain, remember that they are sick, too, and you wouldn't treat a sick person poorly. When you pray for someone, it seems that it's easier to forgive them. So forgiveness is in order.

"Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, condoning or excusing whatever happened. It’s acknowledging hurt and then letting it go, along with the burden of anger and resentment."

So let that burden go. Hop on over to steps four and five and get rid of that shit before it kills you.

My sponsor sometimes pisses me off

I'm beginning to get a resentment against my sponsor. She's not really around much, and likes to cancel appointments. I know she's busy, and I've cut her a lot of slack, but it just seems like every time we're supposed to meet, something comes up in her life. Hm. So I'm beginning to develop a resentment. How do you talk about a resentment against your own sponsor?

I know I could switch sponsors, but I just don't know if I want to fire her just yet. She is a nice person, and has a lot of years of sobriety. She's active in the community, and has a lot of contacts in the fellowship. It seems like she has what I want.

I'm going to have to go over the resentment list with my therapist for step five. She's a nice safe place to do it, and I know she won't judge me. I trust her. Thank God I finally have a good therapist.

The undercutter

Been working on the resentment list. I think I've gotten all I can think of down on paper. It's interesting, because now when I get upset I tend to think about why I'm getting resentful, and if it's worth my energy to do so.

There's a woman at work who is really smart and good at what she does, and her input is always well thought out, but I hate it. She always seems to have better questions for the boss than I do, and sometimes takes my ideas and expands on them in a way where they sound like her ideas. She usually apologizes or asks if I'm ok with what she's said, but I feel like she's undercutting me. So what's this resentment?

I always worry I'm not smart enough. I think I'm not really a capable person (though this has been disproved many times), and so I worry when others are smarter than I am in some area of my life. It makes me nervous that they're exposing me for the fool. It's the exposure of my soft underbelly.

How do I deal with these feelings? I hide and don't work. I try to ignore work instead. I always get my projects done, and usually early, but I spend as much time as I can avoiding the potential to look like an idiot.

So what can I do about it? What's the character defect I have to work on? Besides my anxiety and low self-esteem, I need to work on not projecting my issues onto other people. I need to learn that being vulnerable is sometimes ok. So I'll ask God to help me with these things, and hope that I can learn to be a stronger person and a better worker.

Resentment follows me

Letting go of those resentments is the most important step, me thinks. With a resentment still in your heart, you can't really let God in. I read something today that sums it up:

“The moment you start to resent a person, you become his slave. He controls your dreams, absorbs your digestion, robs you of your peace of mind and goodwill, and takes away the pleasure of your work. He ruins your religion and nullifies your prayers. You cannot take a vacation without his going along. He destroys your freedom of mind and hounds you wherever you go. There is no way to escape the person you resent."

Resentments follow you around, and we all know that resentments are the biggest offender in leading to that next drink. So it's time for me to get them all down on paper so I can eventually let them go. As God wants, he will relieve me of the pain of these resentments and regrets. I can't wait.

Oh, Post Office

I usually don't mind going to the Post Office. It's like the DMV. As long as you're patient, you usually get what you came for. And then there are other times when you get the run-around. Desk 1, "No, got to desk 3." Desk 3, "Go to the business office." Business office, "You wrote the permit on the check, so we can't take it." Sigh. Resentment!

It really was my fault, though, which I hate. I hate to admit that I messed up. I didn't check the permit number before I went to print, and now I have 846 copies of a postcard that can't be mailed from that number. Which means: I have to reprint. Money down the drain....

It's really hard admitting fault in a situation. I'm going to have to tell my boss, too, which is going to suck. He's not very nice sometimes, and so it'll be an ordeal. Sigh.

UPDATE: Fixed it! No reprinting necessary. Wahoo!

I hate my car payment

Another resentment! I hate my car payment. I just hate having one. I love my car, don't get me wrong, but $300 a month to have it sit there, and then insurance on top of that? Hate.

My old car was paid off. It was 10 years old and a P.O.S., but I loved it. It had made numerous trips across the East coast, to the Mid-west, and across country when I moved. It fit all my worldly possessions, and it was a small car. Ahh, memories.

But it died (resentment!) a horrible death 2 years ago.

Here, you have to get your car tested for smog every 2 years. I took mine in, and it wouldn't pass the test. I had no idea what was wrong with it, and neither did my mechanic. He worked, and worked, and replaced pretty much everything but the engine itself. It cost me more money than the car was worth (which really wasn't a lot. I've spent more on the dog). But nothing. He even gave it to another friend to look at, and that guy couldn't figure it out. Mystery car.

The battery kept dying everywhere, too. Thank God for AAA. I had that thing towed from at least 5 locations to mechanics who had no idea what the hell was wrong with it.

I was driving home from work one day and, like I never did, I turned on the AC. Suddenly, black smoke came out from the vents. So I did what any person with a beater car does - I turned off the AC and ignored it.

A week or so later, I was up in the hills picking up my farm vegetable box (I'm such a dork), and the car wouldn't start again. Luckily, there was a guy outside who gave me a jump. I was so frustrated, that I swore I was going to finally get a new car. Little did I know....

I was going down a hill and came to a stop sign. The hill leveled out at the sign, and then went down again. I crossed the intersection and that was that. The entire car just died. DIED, died. The brakes didn't work, the steering didn't work, nothing. I could barely turn the wheel. But I managed to corkscrew it hard enough to the left to hit the curb, it went up on the curb, and ended in a lady's lawn. Sigh.

I got out and called AAA again. And smoked a cigarette. I knew it was over, so I started cleaning out the car. AAA towed it to my ex's mom's house where I was going to leave it in the driveway until I could get the junkers to come get it. My ex had to come over and help me get it in, though, because AAA left it on the side of the road, and I had to get it up the driveway (which is, of course, a hill). He pulled his car front bumper to my front bumper, we attached the cables to the batteries, and on the count of three I jammed on the gas and backed into the spot with him following me all the way. It made it! It lived there for three weeks until I could donate it.

Now, I have a nice, clean, (except the stupid thing on the back where someone keyed it while I was drunk - another story), and working. But it's not paid for. I hadn't had a car payment in 7 years, and all of a sudden I'm shelling out money like nobody's business. Damn. Resentment.

My little house

My grandparents bought a house in New England in the late 50s that sits in a tiny little town in the west. It kinda looks like this one. It's a beautiful white farmhouse with a big yard, and it sits on a cul-de-sac, which I've always thought was safer for little kids. I grew up on one, too, and I love them.

Anyways, my grandparents moved out in the early 2000s to live in a retirement home, and my youngest uncle and his family moved into the house. It was perfect for them - enough bedrooms for all their kids, lots of places to play, and even room for a pool table. They loved and renovated the house, finally getting some damn hot water in the guest shower.

I love that house. So here's my resentment: my aunt and uncle are in financial trouble and took out money against the house. If they loose that house I am going to be so damn sad. It's like a family heirloom to me, and I would move there in a heartbeat just to live in the house. Even though it's drafty and in a place where it snows like mad. I even love visiting it.

So they're going on the list.

Dog, you are so on my list

I am so bitter against my dog sometimes. It's like having a small child that barks at everything and sheds. My dog is so on my list.

He is a destroyer when I'm not around. It's not like he eats my shoes (though he ate my favorite pair when he was a puppy) but he freaks out when I'm not around and pulls the carpet back from the door. I'm never getting my deposit back. I've trained him to be alone for 15 minutes while I walk over to buy cigarettes or diet Coke, but longer than that and he's got to go in his house (the cage). He can be in there up to 3 hours, which is what happens when I go to meetings or have to hit the grocery store.

But home alone all day? There's no way in hell. I'm really lucky that my ex's mom and I are friends, because she takes him while I'm at work and when I'm out of town. Or, on night's like tonight when I had a late meeting and didn't feel like driving out of my way to go get him.

I miss him when he's gone. He can be super annoying, but he's also super cute and loving. He loves to cuddle. He's a good dog. But he's still on my list.