Abilify I love you

I'm still thinking about how I'm going to get the doc to keep me on Abilify. I mean, it's approved for adjunct therapy with lithium, so it's not like I'm off label. I wouldn't be taking it long-term when you're not supposed to; it's encouraged for people with bipolar 1, which I have apparently morphed into.

Morphed? You say? But Anne, you always had psychosis and severe depression with alternating psychotic mania. No, I didn't. I used to just get really depressed and occasionally I would get up and spend money and sleep with people. Party a lot. The depression has gotten deeper over the years, and the psychosis is new. I don't think I'm too bizarre on the outside, but my thoughts get really bad. So it's moved to bipolar I over the years.

And what's a good treatment for bipolar I symptoms? Abilify! Or it's cousins. But I've been through them. I mean, not Geodon, but Zyprexa (made me fat), Seroquel (puts me to sleep). Abilify really works. Ok, so I end up a little hypomanic, but I'll take the credit card debt over psychotic depression.

So how do I get him to keep me on it? I guess I just have to beg and plead. I'm sure he can get me into the patient assistance program, which should cut down the cost significantly. It really works for me, doc, really!

Psychotic depression?

Interesting. So I looked up having those crazy thoughts and depression at the same time. There were some interesting articles on psychotic depression. Psychotic depression is characterized by anxiety, agitation, insomnia at night but sleeping during the day, hypochondria, irrational thoughts or hallucinations, and constipation. This sounds more like it.

I have been sleeping during the day, but I can't seem to sleep at night. I just take naps all day long and then stay up all night doing God knows what (blogging mostly). I'm crazy anxious and can feel it in all my bones. My shoulders are up around my ears, and I'm nervous about everything. Agitated, even. I'm feeling like I can't be touched, which I hate, except by my dad and Adam. I don't mind them touching me, but everyone else makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

I'm a natural hypochondriac (if you couldn't tell from my self-diagnosis), so we've got that covered. And I've been having those irrational thoughts. They say bipolar folks with psychosis often know their thoughts are irrational, unlike schizophrenics who think they are real. I know my dog isn't going to eat my face off, but it sure feels like he might. I know I'm not going to "accidentally" fall off the balcony, but sometimes I feel like it. Like a small wind could pick me up and I would fly. Sometimes I think maybe I could fly. Like I could just spread my arms in a certain way and I would float instead of sink. And the pushing people in front of subway trains and other stuff. That's completely irrational. Perhaps I should print this for my therapist?