Sanity comes with a price tag

"Well, would you rather be sane and fat or psychotic again?"

That's the first time he's used the word psychotic. He used it again later in the conversation in reference to how I was the last time I saw him, exactly a week ago. Suicidal, having delusions of things out to get me, anxious, depressed, amped, and crawling out of my skin. Psychotic. It hadn't occurred to me that it could have gotten that far. I mean, I wasn't jumping off the balcony, but I was thinking about it a lot. I wasn't seeing ghosts, yet. But he called me psychotic. He's the doctor.

"I'd rather not be fat," I said. "I lost 40lbs last year and I feel like the Zyprexa has made me gain 10 back. I can't fit into my pants. It's going to make me depressed."

So, we compromised: back on the Abilify. He had some in the magic closet, so I got a months worth of free stash. I start tonight; out with the Zyprexa. The Abilify before didn't cause any side effects and it almost immediately popped me out of that depression, so I'm hoping it keeps me moving in the right direction. And that I'll stop with this insane craving to eat; to chew. It really is a compulsion that I can't control. I start to shake if I don't eat for 2 hours or longer. I've just been grazing for days, like a goat. Bloated goat.

"Ok, I'll see you in three weeks, but you call me if anything happens, ok?"

Did you know that without insurance it's $85 for a 15 minute visit to your psychiatrist? I think that's on the cheap side, too. But hell, it's less than what I would pay for that much Abilify.

"Thanks, doc."

Psychotic depression?

Interesting. So I looked up having those crazy thoughts and depression at the same time. There were some interesting articles on psychotic depression. Psychotic depression is characterized by anxiety, agitation, insomnia at night but sleeping during the day, hypochondria, irrational thoughts or hallucinations, and constipation. This sounds more like it.

I have been sleeping during the day, but I can't seem to sleep at night. I just take naps all day long and then stay up all night doing God knows what (blogging mostly). I'm crazy anxious and can feel it in all my bones. My shoulders are up around my ears, and I'm nervous about everything. Agitated, even. I'm feeling like I can't be touched, which I hate, except by my dad and Adam. I don't mind them touching me, but everyone else makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

I'm a natural hypochondriac (if you couldn't tell from my self-diagnosis), so we've got that covered. And I've been having those irrational thoughts. They say bipolar folks with psychosis often know their thoughts are irrational, unlike schizophrenics who think they are real. I know my dog isn't going to eat my face off, but it sure feels like he might. I know I'm not going to "accidentally" fall off the balcony, but sometimes I feel like it. Like a small wind could pick me up and I would fly. Sometimes I think maybe I could fly. Like I could just spread my arms in a certain way and I would float instead of sink. And the pushing people in front of subway trains and other stuff. That's completely irrational. Perhaps I should print this for my therapist?