Hypomania is fun!

So it's 1:30am and I'm awake, wishing that Michael or someone was still up so I could chat with somebody. I've already exhausted a few avenues on the internet, and I'm currently reprogramming my phone. What does all this mean? I think I'm hypomanic. I'm not feeling like spending my money or traveling, but I can't sleep and I'm thinking about way too many things at once. And I'm smoking.

I'm taking my meds, though the dosage changes all the time. It just depends on what free dose the doctor has. The drug companies give him free samples and he gives them to me, so I've been on 15mg, 5mg, and now 10mg of the same stuff. He just gave me a big bag full of more today, so I should be fine for the summer while I'm away.

So what can I do about this? Is mania coming? I don't think so. I don't feel like it's going to get out of control. I feel like I'm just a little high, but not dangerously so. I think it will be good to get me through the summer. Oh! Wait! Look at me, displaying addict behavior. "I like this high. If I can just maintain it...."

So what do I really do? I think I'll split the 10mg and stay on a consistent 5mg for a while and see if that balances things out. It should even out within the week, and if I still can't sleep next week then I'll have to call the doc and see what to do. I've got to make sure I'm taking the best care of myself that I can!

This is so not me right now

I like this, from over at Beyond Blue: Hypomania usually takes a bad habit and multiplies it by, say 100.

Damn, girl, ain't that the truth. What bad habit do you have? Let's make it 100% worse! Like to snort blow? Let's do it sunrise to sundown! Like to sleep with people? How about 5 this week? One for every day, you know!

At least, that's what my mania looks like. It takes me to awesome places of danger and expense of health and sanity. My hypomania looks more like shopping and overextending myself, which is probably good for me (well, not my credit cards). I also like to sign up for marathons and book plane tickets. A strange mania, indeed.

So where am I right now? I'm pretty depressed. I can feel it lurking under the surface. I just want to sleep, but I'm not tired. I just want to eat, but I'm not hungry. I need to work out, but my body just feels like it's dragging when I do. And I am not enthusiastic about anything. I don't feel so hot.

Psychotic depression?

Interesting. So I looked up having those crazy thoughts and depression at the same time. There were some interesting articles on psychotic depression. Psychotic depression is characterized by anxiety, agitation, insomnia at night but sleeping during the day, hypochondria, irrational thoughts or hallucinations, and constipation. This sounds more like it.

I have been sleeping during the day, but I can't seem to sleep at night. I just take naps all day long and then stay up all night doing God knows what (blogging mostly). I'm crazy anxious and can feel it in all my bones. My shoulders are up around my ears, and I'm nervous about everything. Agitated, even. I'm feeling like I can't be touched, which I hate, except by my dad and Adam. I don't mind them touching me, but everyone else makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

I'm a natural hypochondriac (if you couldn't tell from my self-diagnosis), so we've got that covered. And I've been having those irrational thoughts. They say bipolar folks with psychosis often know their thoughts are irrational, unlike schizophrenics who think they are real. I know my dog isn't going to eat my face off, but it sure feels like he might. I know I'm not going to "accidentally" fall off the balcony, but sometimes I feel like it. Like a small wind could pick me up and I would fly. Sometimes I think maybe I could fly. Like I could just spread my arms in a certain way and I would float instead of sink. And the pushing people in front of subway trains and other stuff. That's completely irrational. Perhaps I should print this for my therapist?

Perhaps it's hypomania

I think perhaps I'm hypomanic. I don't fit the mania criteria right now, since I'm not feeling like I'm on top of the world or having grandiose thoughts. But my mind is racing, and I'm feeling less need for sleep. Or at least having a lot of trouble sleeping. I can't seem to stay asleep even when I do go to bed, so it seems silly to go to bed and just lie there and toss and turn.

Hypomania isn't quite as much fun. I think it's really a mixed episode, because I'm feeling depressed, too. I don't know what I feel. Let's think it out here.

I can't sleep. I have a headache (probably from lack of sleep). I'm worried all the time. My mind is racing. I'm worried about things that may never happen at all, just for the fun of worrying. I feel like I hate myself and I'm a piece of shit, but then I tell myself how great I am and how lucky I am. Then again, hypomania is more about grandiose thoughts, goal related activities, and things like that. I am obsessively applying for and checking job sites. It's become an hourly ordeal that I go through. Check job sites, check email for job notices, re-read the postings I applied for, repeat.

At least I'm not irritable. Sometimes I get so damn cranky. I was cranky this afternoon, but I think it was because I hadn't eaten anything in a while. I'm also feeling really anti-social, rather than social, and I don't feel like shopping. I think that's the depression part of the mixed episode. I'm getting some of the psychotic symptoms I get in mania, like when I think my dog is going to bit my face off or I'm going to push someone into traffic. I hate those thoughts. I hate when I feel like doing something totally irrational like that. I would never want to hurt another person, but sometimes the feelings are really strong. Most of the time it's me I want to push in front of a bus, and I have to stand far away from the sidewalk just in case. Jesus, I want another cigarette, but I just went out and the door is so damn loud.

Spending frenzy

I'm on a bit of a spending spree. I bought more shoes and more clothes this week. Like I really need any more of either.... I have one closet and it's full of just summer clothes. All my winter clothes are in a box in the garage. It's going to take a bunch of boxes to get all that stuff out, and now I have even more.

Spending unwisely is a good sign of mania. I've got the money, but I should be saving in case I have to move, and I need to save for the last installment of my tattoo next week. There's so much I actually need to spend money on, that I've got to stop spending frivolously. I even put one purchase on my credit card, which I never do, and I'm feeling icky about it. I need to just pay it off tomorrow.

I can't tell if I'm manic or not. I'm not having paranoid feelings, and my anxiety is only raised when I think about my interview tomorrow. I'm not crying or drinking or doing other things that are bad for me. I have no interest in going out and finding a sex partner. These are usually all the signs. Maybe now that I'm sober my mania is changing, too? I still think I'm hypomanic. My doc said we'll watch it and see what happens; whether I go up or down.

Check in time

This is post number 22 since Sunday. Is that a little insane? I see most bloggers posting once a day, or once a week. I'm more like 5 or 6 a day. I just see all these interesting studies and articles that I want to share!

So I need to examine myself: am I manic? Or it could be the caffeine.

Am I manic: I'm spending a lot of money, but it's going towards planned stuff like hair dye and a tattoo. I'm dying my hair, which is usually a sign of restlessness. All these blog posts. I'm a little ADD. I have a bit of anxiety, but it's not getting to psychosis levels. When it gets that bad I always think my dog is going to bite my face off and I get scared of him. That's when I know.

Am I ignoring my responsibilities? Kind of. I'm running away home this week, but I finished everything I needed to do before I left. Am I dressing provocatively? Nope. Am I out having sex or drinking? Nope. Am I smoking too much? Yep.

So there are a couple of signs there. Perhaps I'm in a little hypomanic stage. It feels nice though, since I'm not depressed anymore. I'll see how it plays out.

Shopping, shopping, shopping

I always love reading what David over at Struggling is up to. He's going through a move right now, which is stressful for anyone, but he's feeling especially troubled by it. I'll let you read about it.

But today, he talked about that manic obsession to shop. Ohh, shopping. How I love and loathe thee.

I totally shop when I'm manic. I just bought a dress, a blouse, two pairs of pants, and a pair of bright red pointy-toed heels, all on a bank account that is drained to it's last little remnants. I also got a $300 hair cut and dye, $100 worth of groceries, which I have no idea where they are cause they sure as hell aren't in my fridge, and I'm getting another tattoo this weekend, so there goes the little bit I have left until I get paid next week.

Mania can really take over your bank. Usually when I'm manic I buy plane tickets. Plane tickets home, plane tickets to Europe, plane tickets wherever I feel like going. I'm going to Wyoming over Labor Day just because I've never been to Glacier National Park. Each of these things is about $500. You don't want to know what my credit card debt looks like.

Oh, but when I'm hypomanic, like I think I am now, I pay everything off. I get crazy about paying off everything in total. I just sold some of my money market funds (tax time is going to suck, so I'm saving some for April) to pay off half my credit card. I'm going to use the rest to move if I have to, and if I don't get a job then I'm going to pay off the rest of my card. I guess it's a good cycle. Spend, save, and then when I'm depressed I just worry about both of those things. I don't have enough money, I don't save enough, blah, blah, blah.

Two years ago when my grandpa died I got a sizable chunk of change from the estate. I, luckily, was depressed about it, and so took half and made that money market, and then put the rest in my savings. Well, I had to buy a car (really, my old one died), and then I just HAD to take a trip to Europe (ok, that one was just a treat). And then I HAD to get three new tattoos. Tattoos are something that happen when I'm manic, too. I love them, and I just love getting them. I'm in the middle of a huge back piece right now that's going to look awesome when it's done.

So I only have a little bit left, and thank God it's in the money market making a little money. I have it in pretty safe stuff, so it's not making a lot of money, but it's there for a rainy day or another manic spending spree and hypomanic spending down.