Situational depression sucks

I know I'm depressed, but there's just such a good reason for it. It's impossible to separate out the situational depression from the bipolar depression. Will increasing or changing meds help? Is the Celexa doing anything? I'm not suicidal, so that's good. Apparently one of them (Celexa or Lithium) is doing something. But not enough. I'm still depressed.

But what do I expect? Magic? Do I think the drugs are going to suddenly make it all better? They can't do that. Everything really is shitty. I mean, really. I can put a happy and grateful spin on everything like I've been doing for 6 months, but when you come down to it, my life is shitty right now. I could also point out that it's my own damn fault. Well, some of it. I need to get out there and do more things.

I signed up to volunteer at two events coming up. I love volunteering. I love the free t-shirt, most, but I love to get out there and be happy and smiling at events. I also signed up to be a volunteer at the Zoo's special events, so hopefully they email me soon about stuff. I used to work at the Zoo where I used to live and work their events. It was always so much fun.

So, you see, I'm trying. I'm trying to be optimistic and grateful and get out there. But I'm still depressed. So what's going to change it all? A job and an apartment of my own will help. A little of my independence back. A life. Getting to know more people and making more friends. Visiting my dog. What else can I do? Make this go away!

Volunteering could help

"The feeling of being unemployed comes from the idea that your job was somehow permanent in the first place. The only permanence in this life comes from the relationships you make that serve something bigger. Find your place in a neighborhood group of some kind."

Jesus, it's hard being unemployed. Having a job is having a social network, a place to go to escape home, financial stability, and more. Being unemployed is super stressful. But a few places suggest volunteering as a way to feel better. Julie has been trying to get me to do it, too, but I don't want to commit to something and then have to stop cause I got a job. But I have to stop thinking like that. It's been 6 months. I have to start seeing reality, not what ifs.

So right now I have all the time in the world. I should pick a charity or organization and volunteer. What about the zoo? I like the zoo here. It's really cool, and I know how to work special events. I used to work events in college. I could do that. Or the ballet. I used to be an usher at a theater. I could do that, too. Hell, I could do both.

I don't want to, though. I want a fucking job.