Situational depression sucks

I know I'm depressed, but there's just such a good reason for it. It's impossible to separate out the situational depression from the bipolar depression. Will increasing or changing meds help? Is the Celexa doing anything? I'm not suicidal, so that's good. Apparently one of them (Celexa or Lithium) is doing something. But not enough. I'm still depressed.

But what do I expect? Magic? Do I think the drugs are going to suddenly make it all better? They can't do that. Everything really is shitty. I mean, really. I can put a happy and grateful spin on everything like I've been doing for 6 months, but when you come down to it, my life is shitty right now. I could also point out that it's my own damn fault. Well, some of it. I need to get out there and do more things.

I signed up to volunteer at two events coming up. I love volunteering. I love the free t-shirt, most, but I love to get out there and be happy and smiling at events. I also signed up to be a volunteer at the Zoo's special events, so hopefully they email me soon about stuff. I used to work at the Zoo where I used to live and work their events. It was always so much fun.

So, you see, I'm trying. I'm trying to be optimistic and grateful and get out there. But I'm still depressed. So what's going to change it all? A job and an apartment of my own will help. A little of my independence back. A life. Getting to know more people and making more friends. Visiting my dog. What else can I do? Make this go away!

Pump up the volume

Maybe lithium can really help you. Apparently, certain areas of the brain lose volume if you have bipolar. Lithium might be able to bring volume up to normal levels. Who knows? You would think that would be big news, but I found it buried. Whatever, right? No one cares about brain volume. Not sexy.

Serotonin syndrome

Never look up the drug interactions for stuff you're taking. It just leads to paranoia. Apparently, lithium and Celexa together can increase your risk for serotonin syndrome. What the hell is that? You say. It sounds awful, and can kill you, but it's basically just overdose. So how do you avoid it? Keep those levels of lithium in check and monitor your symptoms.

I'm not going to check out the interactions between Celexa and anything else. I have a feeling I shouldn't be taking stuff like Benedryl, but I do love Benedryl. It's the only thing that keeps me sane in the spring. I'll just have to watch for signs of something ominous.

Lithium in the body

I was sitting here wondering if lithium has an effect on the liver, and I came across an interesting discussion on lithium and alcohol. Apparently the only real effect it has is that you can get dehydrated by alcohol and that can raise the lithium levels in your body. So basically, stay hydrated.

It's funny; the last time I was on lithium I was taking LSD about once a week and smoking pot as much as possible. I never combined lithium and LSD on the same day (I usually didn't take my meds on the weekends), because I was afraid of what would happen. The one time I forgot and combined them I almost died. I suppose it was smart of me to not combine. Now, I have so many drugs to think about and no illegals to combine with.

Oh, and no, lithium works through the kidneys. It's a salt (duh), and comes and goes through the renal system. They check your thyroid and kidneys for functioning because it works through both of those and can have dangerous side effects.

The thyroid part of that really makes me nervous. Both my mom and my dad's mom have thyroid problems, so I'm guessing it's just a matter of time before mine goes haywire. And of course, I have to take the drug that messes with it.

Wittle the middle

I've been looking all morning and I can't find anything on bloating because of lithium, unless it's written in a chat format. I know other people must have this side effect, too. The bloating yesterday was absolutely out of control. My stomach was completely distended and my hands were puffy. I couldn't even fit in my shirts!

I woke up this morning and my abdomen was back to normal. I swear I lost 5 pounds overnight. I'm totally bloating back up as I stand here, though. I can feel it in my fingers. I am not digging this side effect at all. Of course, I just ate pretzel sticks, which can't be good for me; all that salt.

Am trying not to eat all day today. It's hard to convince myself I don't need to eat when I'm starving to death over here. I had a muffin, a banana, pretzel sticks, and a wedge of cheese and I feel so incredibly hungry! I know I shouldn't be. I wish I had woken up earlier and had cereal. Might have lasted longer than that little muffin did.

The grocery store temps me....

Give a girl a drink

I am so thirsty. It's like a desert in here and I'm crawling towards the water hole, griping the sand with my fingernails and pulling with all my might. I am so thirsty.

Because it's what I do, I started Googling side effects to see which one is causing the thirst. I was betting on lithium, and I think I'm right. Side effects are:

- thirst

- frequent urination

- weight gain

- mild hand tremors

And guess who's lucky and has all of those? I have to pee constantly, even when I'm not drinking any fluids at all. So this morning I chugged a few bottles of water and some coffee, but I'm still standing here thirsty as hell and worried about eating. They say people often mistake the thirst cues for hunger. Of course, if you're taking in tons of salts (lithium is a salt) and not enough water, then you're going to be thirsty.

I've already eaten yogurt, cereal, cheese, and a Twix bar and I've only been up for 2 and a half hours. And I'm salivating. I think it might be thirst, but look at all the food I've eaten, too. No wonder it causes weight gain.

What does NAMI know about it?

Damn. Julie just sent me an email with some side effect stuff and told me I should really look into the effects of caffeine on lithium production in the body. I think she's trying to get me to stop drinking so much coffee. So, I headed over to NAMI to see what they think.

"Avoid excessive intake of caffeinated beverages, such as coffee, tea, cola or energy drinks, since these may decrease levels of lithium and decrease effectiveness of the medication."

Aw, seriously? Lithium really works against everything else, doesn't it? I wonder if it's the caffeine that's causing the panic attacks and the shakes? I suppose there's no way to tell. What I'll have to do is just start drinking more water and less diet Coke. They say not to change the sodium levels in your diet when taking lithium, because that can effect the dosage, but cutting out one or two diet Cokes will hopefully be for the best, she says as she reaches for the cold one at her feet.

A new regimen

"Medications work differently in each person, and it takes considerable time to determine in any particular case whether a given drug is effective at all, since bipolar disorder is by nature episodic.... Many doctors emphasize that patients should not expect full stabilization for at least 3–4 weeks (some antidepressants, for example, take 4–6 weeks to take effect)...."

Met with the doctor this afternoon, and almost had a panic attack in his office. My heart was racing, I was biting my fingernails, and I felt like I was going to cry at any second. "You're holding it together really well. You sound fine - you make sense." And then I started talking faster. I mentioned my recent studies of metro car physics and homicidal drain spouts. "I want you to take something for a bit just to get you to a normal place, but take it with the new meds we're going to pick. Now, what do I have in here."

He opened the magic closet (where everything is free), and there wasn't enough Abilify to go around, so we settled on what he had a lot of: Zyprexa. The dreaded, make-you-gain-12-pounds-in-12-minutes, Zyprexa. "I don't care," I thought, "I'll do it. Anything to feel better." Zyprexa also has a reputation as a fast acting machine, capable of destroying the manic in minutes. Well, not minutes, but you get it. So I made a deal with the devil: I'll trade my vanity for sanity.

"Now, cheap. Well, you have a few options: Tegretol, Paxil, Celexa, lithium, mostly. You don't want Paxil. Have you tried lithium? Let's do lithium and Celexa."

"But I was on Celexa once (I remember, that's what college gave me), and I think I stopped taking it cause it made me sick."

"Well, that was a long time ago, and it's cheap. What about lithium?"

"Took it in high school, but I was doing so many drugs at the same time that I wasn't really med compliant. I don't know if if works for me."

"Let's find out. You'll have to get blood tests, but lithium is $10."

So I made another deal: go back on the old drugs which could kill me with their toxicity, in favor or saving money.

God help me.