Check still not here

I just had to borrow money. I hate that. But I was down to $.75 in my checking account, and 0 in my savings. So I borrowed $200 to get me through till whenever my money shows up. Still no unemployment or loan refund. I'm waiting on a hell of a lot of money... And none of it ever appears. I need at least $600 to pay my bills this month since my credit card payments are really high. Once I pay them off, I'll need $400 a month to make my bills. Maybe $500. I can do that working, I hope. I'm going to get paid on Mondays for one job, and Fridays for another, so I think it should all work out. Who the hell knows. I hate this.

I went from making enough money to go to Europe to not making enough money to send a postcard to Europe. Damnit.

ARGH

I'm so fucking frustrated today! I just called unemployment, and they sent my last check on Monday. Which means it must have gone to Michael instead of here because I haven't even seen the ones before that! They owe me about $7,000, which is out there in the mail somewhere. I'm broke, damnit! I need that money to get me through this semester, and even through the week! ARGH.

This whole process has been nothing but a giant pain in my ass. I'm thankful for the money, but it almost hasn't been worth it. I'm writing a nasty letter to the head of EDD as soon as I figure out who it is.

Mail snails

Why does the mail take so freaking long? Something mailed from one town over should get here the next day, right? Whatever. I'm just impatient. I know this. My refund check from school should be coming, and I want to pay off my credit cards. It will feel so good to do so. I can't wait! My refund is exactly $.75 short of what I owe. I think I can cover that.

I'm also waiting, not patiently, for my check from unemployment. It's been forever, and I've received notices that they have taken taxes out, but no money. I'm very frustrated, as I'm living off my last $300. I don't have the money to do anything, from gas up my car to buy groceries. Sigh.

So I'm frustrated at the mail, hoping that it's the post office and not the incompetence of EDD, which it usually is. They are going to get a nasty letter once I'm done with them. They have been nothing but rude and late. You would think that as a service organization they might have better customer service.

I should probably get some sleep instead of focusing on the mail. Which isn't going to come, because it's Sunday.

All things considered

I know, I know, all I do is complain lately, but I'm stressed out. I can't believe I went from making $50k to $19k a year. It's stressful! So what am I doing? Shopping. I have a little left on my credit cards, and so I'm buying pretty dresses and necklaces to make myself feel better. I know it's stupid, but I can't seem to help myself. I lie awake all night, and by 4am I'm online shopping again. At least I'll get some pretty things in the mail that will make me feel happy.

And I'm supposed to get a refund from my graduate loan any day now, which will pay off both cards completely. I'm still waiting for unemployment to pay me, and that seems to be taking forever, so I'm cash poor right now. Luckily all my bills are paid till the middle of September. I like paying things ahead of time.

My unemployment runs out this month, so it's lucky I got (3) a job. We get paid every Friday, which will be nice, and I'm exempt from taxes because I live in a state other than where I'm working. I think one of my jobs might be under the table, too, which will be nice. That will cover exactly nothing (maybe transportation costs), but that's ok. I think that job will be fun and relaxing.

I have orientation today, and I'm still awake. I can't sleep. Damnit. Stress.

I hate EDD

Unemployment called today, and of course I was not near my phone. So I called back and got 4 rude people before someone who could actually help me. He just said, "Oh yeah, there's nothing wrong with your claim. We didn't send you the right forms. We sent them now." So, all this time fighting for my back pay and worrying about it for NOTHING. Sigh. And I still haven't been paid in months. I'm sure now that I'm changing addresses next week something will go wrong again. I'm so frustrated with them. It's just kind of ridiculous how rude and inefficient they are! I should write the governor a letter...

So that's been my morning.

Update

Oh thank God. I just got an email from the dean and they're going to let me in despite the GRE. I still have to take it, and do better, but it won't get me kicked out of school if I don't. And now I get my financial aid package! Which means I don't need to ask anyone for money. Thank God. I have never done that before, and I hope never to have to.

So now I just need to fix the unemployment situation.

The return of the GRE

Sigh. Money, admissions, money, unemployment. What else can go wrong today? Don't ask, or something will.

Today I tried to call my grandmother to ask for money, but she fell this morning and I just was worried about her and didn't want to ask.

And then I had a hold on my financial aid at school and it took all day to figure out why, but I've got to retake the GRE cause I was so bad at it. So why did they let me register? Oh yeah, money.

Unemployment hasn't paid me in a month and I called to complain and they blamed it on me for not calling them earlier. Now, they're trying to keep my back pay. They owe me two months of money. I really could use that....

But the good news is I got a part time job. So there's that.

Home is where the ___ is

I really wish I could feel better, but I don't. I have so much in my life. I have people who love me, but I don't trust them to love me. I have a place to live, but I feel alienated from it. I have meetings to go to with people who care. And that's true.

I feel lost without a job. It gives you a reason to get up in the morning and do something. It gives you something to think about besides yourself. It introduces you to new people and new experiences. I like working.

And now that my time up north is coming to an end (my cousin gets her license back next week) I don't know what to do with myself. I have no reason to stay up here, but I have no reason to go "home." Home is just my dad's apartment with FOX news and no food. It's a twin bed and all my stuff stuffed into a small closet. It's living out of bags and boxes. It's not having my car or my dog. It's going to meetings and not feeling comfortable.

I need my own space. I was thinking of going to see my aunt in Indiana and then Jennifer, who is a few states south. Maybe I'll stay the rest of the summer with them. But what do I do in September? I can't imagine another year of this. I'll just have to get a retail job and an apartment somewhere. Start over. The year of self reflection must come to an end.

Kvetching time!

I haven't been paid (unemployment) in almost 2 months, I gave myself shin splints in my driving leg, and I think I'm getting fatter despite working out twice a day. No, I'm just turning everything I've got into muscle, but it still makes my shorts tight. Baah.

I've applied to about 1,000 jobs at this point, and I'm still unemployed. My brain hurts just thinking about it. And I don't care about what I'm trained to do, anymore. I'm sick of it. I wish I had a passion for something else, but I don't. I just go with the flow most of the time. Sure, I love a lot of things, but they mostly involve unstructured things or sports.

All in all, my life is pretty good. I still have the money to cover my bills because I was such a penny pincher before. I still have my car and a place to live. I'm getting free exercise classes all summer and time with family members I hadn't been around before. I am grateful for everything, really, I am.

Who, what, when, where?

Has it really been a month? Slipped into a bad spot, then went on some road trips. And I've learned a lot since then. I've learned that I was unhappy to begin with, and I had been complaining about the 9-5 grind, working just to pay the rent. I wasn't having experiences or really living. So I'm going to join the circus.

Yeah, what I meant was, life is odd. It's been 7 months since I was fired and I've had 28 interviews now. 28. That's a lot of place and faces to see and no offer yet. I've been sitting around waiting and doing nothing with myself. I've been sitting arou d the house, waiting. Waiting. I'm done. I need to live, not just exist. I need my life back, even if it looks nothing like what I thought my life would look like by now.

My cousin Tanya just got a DUI. In her state, that means a 90 day licence revocation. She asked me if I would come up and spend the summer with her and her kids. That means a lot of things: I get to teach a 15 year old how to drive, spend a summer near a lake, and workout with my cousin who is a spin and yoga instructor. I'm voting for 6-pack abs by the time I get back.

Back. Where is back? Is home just where my dad is, or is home where I am? What if I just take off and drive from family to friends houses across the country? Why do I have to sit around waiting for more interviews for jobs I don't want?

What do I want? What do I want to do for work?

I'm having an existential crisis.

The rest of the day

My dad came in at 8 and told me I had to get up. "Why are you still in bed?" Well, "I'm depressed and there's nothing to do." But he made me get up. Tomorrow he's making me go out into the world to see the circus parade into town. I am against circuses for a lot of reasons (scary clowns are the least of their worries) but I suppose I have no choice. He's made it so I have to help my cousin with her 2 little kids. I do not have the energy for little kids. I'll take the newborn.

I have done jack since I got up. Well, that's not true. I booked a flight out to the other coast for a wedding in June, complete with hotel and car rental. When I lived out there I flew back here 8 times in one year for weddings and stuff. Now, I've got 4 trips booked back there. I should just move to the middle and save on airfare. Though I do love to travel. I have a flight booked every month till June. Will be good to get out of the house and do other things.

I don't know if it's just my life is getting to me or the meds aren't working. I don't know if I should call the doc or not. I mean, my life sucks and has no structure, so it's easy to be depressed. I don't have to get out of my pjs if I don't feel like it. And I don't. I hate feeling this way. I need something to do with myself. Like a damn job.

Job-less

Looks like no job this week. The place down here just called to say there's a delay because of something going on there, paperwork and politics. And the place up north told me earlier that they still have to interview more people, which is a soft "no." So that means I'm basically unemployed through April. Even if I heard from the people here next week, I wouldn't start till mid-April, probably. Which means at least another 2 months of living at home.

I'm starting to get really depressed.

I just feel worthless, and useless, and pathetic. I can't seem to do anything with myself. I'm just... here.

I have interviews next week to prepare for, but I don't have the energy. And I don't care. I'm going away this weekend down south for a benefit for a place my friend Sam works, which should be nice. He's very entertaining and wants to go to the museum, too. I've never been down there, so a new city would be nice for the weekend.

Next weekend I'm flying out to the other coast to run the marathon of doom (cause I'm not prepared) and get the rest of my tattoo done. I'm starting to not even care about that, which is bad. I'm excited, really. It'll be really cool. I've always wanted a sleeve tattoo.

I give up. I'm going back to bed.

My girl likes to sleep all the time

Well, now I think we've made the switch from insomnia to over-somnia. I just want to go back to sleep. I went to bed at 10:30 last night and didn't get up and get dressed till 1pm this afternoon. So I've been up an hour and a half and already all I want to do is go back to bed. I just don't have anything to do with myself, so what's the point? I'm just sitting here watching Facebook and Twitter.

I need to find something to do. My dad has the car, so there's no going out far, but I could go into the city and just wander. I could go to a museum. I could... none of this sounds appealing. Sleep sounds awesome. I'm not even interested in finishing my coffee, which is unheard of. I hate depression.

And to make it worse, I have 2 more interviews next week. None of which I really care about, because I just don't care anymore. And I haven't heard back from the people who promised to call this week. It's Friday, for crying out loud. At 2:30. They're not going to call. I need to stop relying on these people for my happiness. I need to find something else to do. "Live, don't just exist." says my aunt.

It's sleepy time

Here I am again, with nothing to do and no one to talk to except this blog. It's midnight and I'm hoping to get to sleep sometime soon - like within the half hour. What would help is if I turned off the computer, but I keep staring at it like it's going to get up and do a jig. Instead, the web just looks back at me and waits for my input.

Julie was telling me I need to get some sleep habits. "Like drink chamomile tea and write for a little while before bed. Or read something, but put down the technology." Fine, whatever. But I can't keep my attention on reading anything. I've got stacks of magazines just piled up waiting for me to get over my depression. I don't think I've read one since before Christmas. And a book? Wow. It's been since September that I've read a book.

Unemployment and depression just kill your ability to take part in things you love. So I just forcefully signed myself up to go over to Diane's tomorrow night. It will be good for me to get out of the house, even if she's not the most mentally healthy person to hang out with. At least I'll be with someone else and not alone in front of the computer.

So I'm going to try it - just lie down and see what happens. Hopefully I'll be asleep soon and not back in an hour to write another post on how I can't sleep.

What is this feeling?

So last night, I finally got some sleep. I went to bed at midnight and got up at noon. I think it's because I didn't take the Celexa. I moved it to the mornings, so I took it this morning instead. It's not keeping me up, per se, but it's definitely giving me that blank feeling. I just can't seem to feel. At least I got dressed today.

Perhaps it's all stress based. I'm supposed to hear from those two jobs this week, and I don't have anything else waiting in the wings, so they're really important. If no job this week, it won't be till May that something comes (figuring another months process of interviews). I'm so stressed out about it. I can't think of anything to do to distract myself, either. I suppose I should go for a run, but that's not going to happen, I know it. It was hard enough just to get these clothes on, let alone change again and then make my way outside.

What is wrong with me? The double dose of Celexa was supposed to cause mania, if anything. Why am I still depressed? Oh yeah, cause my life sucks right now. I'm stuck here at dad's, I'm broke, I lost my dog and my car to my mom, I don't have a job, and I don't have any friends. That last one isn't true, but most of my friends are living in different states, and all of them work during the day, so I'm alone 90% of the time.

You're not alone, you say. Your dad is retired. He's home. Yeah, well, he's more of a hermit than I am. He sits in his room with his baseball cards and I sit in mine with my technology, and we see each other in the kitchen sometimes. It's like living alone.

Ok, I'm done whining for the day. I think.

I'm so bored

I hate this. I'm in one of those moods where I'm not depressed, per se, but I'm just... eh. Here. I can't think of anything to do and so I'm just sitting here reading Twitter and the news channels, which are all about the disasters happening in Japan. It's starting to depress me to read about it, so I'm trying to find other news, and there's nothing.

I need a job. I need something to do during the day. I could go pick up some pictures I had framed, but I'm saving that for Thursday when I have all day to do nothing. Today I have therapy for the first time in 2 weeks. I accidentally forgot one week, and the next she was on vacation.

So what has happened in the last two weeks? Well, she'll be happy that I went out on a date and to a party. She likes when I get out of the house. I like when I get out of the house, too, but it just never seems to happen. I suppose I have been doing a lot on the weekends when other people are available. It's just times like these: 3pm on a Tuesday, when everyone else is working. What do you do with yourself?

It's all about the work

"The evidence shows that people can find meaning in seemingly insignificant jobs and that even trivial tasks make us far happier than no tasks at all."

That's right, even crap jobs make us happier than being unemployed. I sure could have told them that. Jesus, if I don't get a job soon....

I've been doing some contract work on the side, but I fear I'm not doing a good job. I'm 6 months out of practice doing anything, and I feel like my skills are dwindling by the second. I hope they like what I sent them on Friday. Either way, I'm getting paid, which is nice, but I don't care. It's about the working, not the money.

Even my horoscope agrees

My horoscope:

"For Saturday, March 12 -When you lose perspective on how much you have in your life, you miss out on understanding your own value. So cherish who you are and what you offer the world -- otherwise, you'll become easy prey to the green-eyed monster that's been knocking at your door. Jealousy isn't going to do anything but slow you down and delay your ability to feel confident. Progress can't happen through the cloud of envy -- let other people have their own success stories. Your time is coming soon."

Wasn't I just talking about envy and jealousy earlier in the week? And my cousin just got a job, so I'm a little jealous there. Though to be fair to him, it's his first job out of college, so I'm really proud, too. But man have I been jealous of everyone lately. It's just not fair, you know? I'm smart, I work hard, I'm personable. Damnit, employ me!

Sigh. My time is coming soon. Let's hope it's real soon.

Waiting for the phone to ring

I was supposed to hear from the people up north today, and the phone never rang. Well, it rang once, but that was a solicitor trying to sell me health insurance. I wish they would stop calling because as soon as I tell them I'm bipolar they tell me they can't sell me health insurance. So why do they keep calling? I need to get a note in my file or something.

Anyway, I just got an email from the people here that they're going to make a decision next week. So next week will be the race to hear from one place or another. Maybe I'll have a job next week! God, wouldn't that be amazing. It can't happen soon enough.

One in the crowd

I'm really feeling it tonight. I hate, hate, hate being unemployed. There are millions of us, I know, and even a generation name for kids moving back in with their parents. But it doesn't make it easier to know I'm in good company. In fact, it's sucks to know there are more people who feel like this.

"The BLS says the average length of unemployment has increased from 29.4 weeks in November 2009 to 34.5 weeks last month. Nearly 10% of the USA's 15.1 million jobless have been looking for work for two years or more.

Some workers despair. 'I don't know when I'll work again,' says Ricky Browner, 30, of Passaic, N.J., who lost his construction job two years ago. 'This thing goes on and on.'"

This thing goes on and on. And:

"The longer somebody doesn't have a job, the harder it is to get a new job," Hassett says. "The reality is that if you're out of [a] job, and you're looking for a job, then the new employer's going to say, 'Well, why don't you have a job now? What's wrong with you?' "

So it's been 6 months, and the longer I'm out of work the less desirable I am to others. I have a contracting gig right now (which I don't know how it's going to effect my unemployment but I don't care yet), so at least I'm "working."