Going deep

It's amazing to be sober. I know I keep saying this, but it's true. Everything is clearer and better.

I've been doing some work on myself lately, in and out of therapy and AA. In therapy we're starting to get to the deeper stuff that really bothers me, instead of just talking about my job and mom. We're getting to the heart of the matter. Talking about regrets and resentments, my personality, and things that need to change. We're digging deep.

Sometimes it's scary. There are some things in there I don't want to know. There's so much of my childhood missing that I'm afraid something happened. Maybe I'm just blocking out early signs of my mom being crazy. Maybe there's something more in there. I do remember my mom going after me with a wooden spoon, and I remember having to hide from her a lot, but I don't think she ever "beat" me. I know my dad is only guilty of being oblivious to everything that was going on. He's kind of naive. I'm a little resentful of that, too. He should have protected me, but I don't even know how he would have. He was blinded by love, me thinks.

So it's time to go to therapy in a couple of hours. I'm not sure what I have to say today, so I think it will be a meditation day. She does guided meditation and we look into my brain for the hidden stuff. Should be interesting. I'm in a pliable mood.