We find magic everywhere

I was brought up Catholic, but I tried out paganism for a little while. I believe there is a spirit that exists everywhere and in everything, and I wanted to practice a belief closer to that thought.

I tried witchcraft. I learned how to read palms and tarot cards. I figured out spells and had all the materials, except a coven. I practiced in the second bedroom of my dad's apartment. One day, I tried out a simple communication with the world using candles and a chant. I felt so much power! I was shaking at the feeling rushing through me, and I thought, "This is too much to handle on my own. I need the company of others to help me through this." But I didn't want to be part of the "posers" I knew who were into witchcraft. They seemed to do it as a thing instead of truly believing in something. They just wanted to be identified as witches.

And so I went back to the comfort of Catholicism. After all, it was built on pagan traditions and myth. The rituals are a lot like those of paganism, only they believe in the trinity of God. There's a great Dar Williams song about christians and pagans, and a lyric I love is, "You find magic in your God and we find magic everywhere."

Lately I've been thinking about what my God looks like. I know I can rely on the "Him" that is of my childhood, but I still believe in fairies and power in the world that I can't explain. I know as a part of this sobriety I don't have to decide what the power greater than myself is, I just have to believe that there is one.

And so I believe in something. I don't know what it is yet, but I know it's there.