Money problems solved

Apparently in order to get my money from unemployment, they had to send it to Bank of America, who sent it Western Union to PO Boxes, Etc, who gave it to me, so I could deposit it back into Bank of America. That makes NO sense what-so-ever, but at least I have my money now. Still no loan check yet, so no payment on the credit cards, but I've got enough to pay my car bill. Whew! I was wondering where that money was going to come from.

I've been wanting to get drunk lately. Not really, but wanting a way to relax at the end of the night and wind down. I still don't know how to do that without food or drink. I should really buy a headlamp and go for a run. Or go on the treadmill. But after standing all day, that's the last thing I want to do. All I want to do is sleep!

Gratefuls

I'm grateful everyday that I don't have to drink. Everything that comes up in my life: the hard choices, the disappointments, the resentments; I don't have to drink over them. No matter what happens I don't have to sit here obliterated in order to get something I think I want. In fact, my life has improved so much since I became sober. I've been able to take steps towards something I want, and learn how to stop doing the things that hurt me. I'm grateful every moment for recovery.

Beees!!

Feeling a little wacky today. It's over 100 degrees here, and I've already been outside most of the day. I just came back in, and now I'm twitchy. I want to go out and do something, but it really is oppressive out there. I'm not sure what to do with myself.

I'm chugging water, and that doesn't seem to help. I've got a headache and I feel like I could just lie down and nap. Sigh.

But you know what's cool? I don't feel like drinking booze. I was having a little trouble there for a while, just because I wanted an escape, but traveling a little has solved that. Perhaps I should just become a professional traveler? A gypsy?

A summer ramble

I suppose my brain has been like this blog; off and on for months now. I keep falling into these depressions or just wormholes and then coming back out even better on the other side.

Still no job, and no more interviews, but I'm reaching out to fields I hadn't considered before. I'm going up north to help out my cousin in a couple of weeks for the summer, and I think I'm just going to put off job hunting till I get back in August. August. Wow. In September it will have been a year since I lost my job and moved home. What an incredible year it's been; full of ups and downs.

Speaking of years, on May 27th I'll have a year sober. Only 20 more days. It's just a miracle to me that I got sober when I did. If I had had to face this year drunk I would be dead, I know it. But one day at a time, one decision at a time, I've made it this far, still alive, still sober. I can't wait to collect my one year chip. I'm going to have to frame it, I think.

I went to a meeting tonight that was dual diagnosis (mental illness and addiction) which was pretty interesting. One guy had 10 years and said it really was all just one day at a time. It was changing his attitude to be calmer about things and to turn elsewhere in times of trouble, somewhere other than the bottle.

I like meetings. I do. I think AA is entertaining at least, and can be fun. I meet some good folks most of the time, but I've just had so many off-putting experiences here. Back where I used to live was just so much more... comfortable. I'm going to try AA up north this summer and see if the meetings are good. There are 2 meetings a week in the small town I'm going to. Maybe my cousin would even go with me. I don't want to push her, but I'm sure being in AA will be good for her. Or at least Al-Anon.

Sobriety makes life easier

I was talking to Adam the other night about being sober. "Have you given up on AA?" he asked. Yes, I think I have. I mean, it's a great program, and it helps a lot of people, but I'm just bad with groups. I love to join groups, but I don't last long. I'm just not that great of a social being, especially while I'm depressed. It was a nice way to help me get started being sober.

But what I've found is I no longer tell myself I CAN'T have alcohol. I just decided not to have it. I've made a choice, not a provision in my life. I decided that for today I don't want to drink. Maybe I'll have a drink tomorrow, but today I'm ok without it. In fact, I feel better. My depression is lighter, even. My meds work better. I'm all around better off for not having alcohol in my life.

And what's cool is sometimes restaurants have neat non-alcoholic drinks to try. This restaurant we went to made it's own ginger ale, which was fizzy and cool to drink. I never would have tried it before. I would have just gone straight for the alcohol.

Being sober is something I think that has saved my life in the past few months. I know if I had still been drinking when I was off meds I would have tried to kill myself instead of just thinking about it. I know now that though I may spend my days sitting in front of the computer, at least I'm not spending it in front of a bar and sleeping with random strangers, because that's what I would be doing. I've learned that you can go to concerts sober. You can have holidays sober. You can go through job loss and major depression sober. And it makes it all easier.

Why didn't I think of this before?

Enter the dating world

Ugh oh. I think I might be dating.

I don't want to be dating. I don't want a relationship. I thought I did, for a while, but I really feel like my life is in too much chaos at this point for anything else. And I don't know about opening myself up to someone again. It takes so much energy. I don't mind it, but I get really intense without meaning to. I suppose relationships make me manic in the beginning, and then I get cranky. I know my pattern, and I need to change it.

The double dose of Celexa has also killed my sex drive, and so has gaining weight. I don't particularly feel like having sex any time soon. Whatever. I'm so blase.

Anyway, so I went to breakfast and a museum with a guy on Saturday, thinking I'm making a new friend. Now, he wants to tell me that he's in the middle of a divorce "before you find out from Facebook." Why would I care unless he thinks we're dating, right? I'll have to set him straight soon. I don't want to date right now, but I am in need of friends. Damn. Why is life so complicated?

And you know what he just told me? His divorce is because of her "descent into alcoholism." I told him I don't drink, but not that I was in AA. I wonder how he'd feel. I wonder if he'd freak that I'm bipolar. Life.

Keep an eye on those girls

Watch your daughters friend choices.

"The findings show that girls tend to initiate the transition to a mixed-gender friendship network earlier than boys, and continue this transition at a faster pace during adolescence. As a result girls who experienced this transition early and fast were more likely to develop substance abuse problems during late adolescence."

I always tried to make guy friends, and I had a lot of guy friends in my neighborhood. I definitely pursued boys in order to be friends with them, and, of course, a lot of those friendships turned sexual. And I got a lot of my drugs from these older guys. But I always knew I was going to be a trouble maker. Since I was little I knew I'd be tattooed and drug-using. I always thought I'd either be dead or married with kids by now. Turns out I'm neither, and not using anymore, either. Who woulda thunk.

Lessons learned from being sober

"...then we can sit in the kitchen and drink mimosas, though I doubt you'll do it."

Was that a challenge or is she recognizing what I am? I told you I'm not going to restrict myself to not drinking after my one year. I think I've learned a lot of valuable lessons:

1. Just because it's there doesn't mean you have to drink it
2. You can drink one and then switch to non-alcoholic
3. You can celebrate without alcohol

I think these were things I needed to learn. Lessons that will take me far. I've also had a peek at AA and learned a lot about what the program is and isn't. It's a great program, and I think it does a lot to compliment life changes. AA is somewhere you can go with like-minded folks and deal with the ups and downs of alcoholism and all that comes with it. It's like group therapy, though no commenting on other people's issues.

But I think I'm good. I haven't had much luck finding "like" folks in AA; people I can really relate to. People seem to have a lot worse luck with alcohol than me. So I think I'll be ok with the occasional drink. A glass of wine here, a beer there. And now I know I can go without when I have to drive. I'm not going to set all sorts of perimeters for myself, I'm just going to say it's ok.

But Diane thinks I won't do it. "I think you like not drinking." And you know what? She's right. I kind of like not being drunk. I've also realized that my personality is the same. I'm still the wacky, do it on a dare kind of person, drunk or sober. I have the courage to do anything and I never needed alcohol to get me to that point. It's not like I ever used it that way, but it's just nice to observe that you're the same person drunk or sober.

A reversal

And I know why. I want to celebrate the fact that I'm depressed and lonely, jobless and miserable. A nice glass of wine sounds perfect right now, along with a cigarette. I wish that's what I could be doing. But I can't smoke. And I don't want to drink until my one year. Or maybe I'll drink when I get a job. I think drinking in celebration is fine.

"What?!" You say. "But you're sober! You're in AA! You can't drink!" Right. About that. I don't know if AA is the thing for me. I know, it's worked for millions of people, kept millions alive and out of trouble. I know I was having blackouts and nights of two or sometimes three bottles of wine alone. I know that's alcoholic behavior, right? Well, I'm guessing it's the meds that made me blackout, first off, but yeah, having 2 bottles of wine alone isn't cool.

I've never quit before, and I don't think alcohol is done with me. I've said this before. I know some people go out and then all of a sudden they get into trouble, but I'm not driving lately, or hanging out with anyone, so I'm good there. I'm not even going to make promises to myself like I will only have one, or not drink alone. I'm just going to be a responsible adult about it and hope that I can handle that. I'm going to hope that I'll only drink when I'm not driving, and I'll have the willpower to say no sometimes. I've learned you don't always have to drink.

I've learned a lot from being sober. I'm still going to see if I can make it a year. May 27. I think that's a good goal, but I'm over the whole AA thing. I'm done trying to make it work. As Adam likes to say, "It's not a hotbed of mental health." I don't need the crazy they've got. I'm cool without the Kool-Aid.

So is this goodbye? Hell no. I'm going to keep writing about everything, because these issues interest me. I'm going to write more about mental health, too, and continue to whine about my shitty life. And plus, we have till May for me to change my mind.

Things I like about sobriety

So I've been pondering sobriety a lot lately. I really enjoy a few things about sobriety, but I wonder if I'm really an alcoholic. I suppose everyone does, and there are surely ways to convince myself that I am, or am not. I could find evidence on either side, for sure. But just for myself, I want to create a little list of things I like about being sober:

1. My meds work better. I am less depressed (I think). Of course, it's hard to tell with all the situational crap going on.
2. I'm saving a lot of money.
3. I'm not smoking. I really think they're tied so close together that if I started drinking again I would probably start smoking.
4. I'm not drunk dialing people.
5. I'm not blacking out.
6. I never have to worry about if I'm too drunk to drive or getting pulled over.

Things I miss about drinking:

1. The taste. I was developing a palate for wine and beer.
2. Festivals. I used to go to a bunch of wine festivals.
3. That buzzed, relaxed feeling.
4. Being a part of the crowd.
5. Smoking.

So really, it looks like I just miss being part of the group because the group is usually drinking. That's ok, I think. I can still hang out with them all. I think one day I'll probably try drinking again and see if I can just have one or two out with people instead of a bottle home alone. I need to get settled into my new life first, if it ever happens.

From the mouth of auntie

I had a nice dinner with my aunt last night, and we covered a lot of ground. We went over some things that I had just discovered in therapy; or more like just finally want to think about taking on. This is going to be a few blog posts, me thinks.

"What's with this alcohol thing? You're not an alcoholic, you know." She said.

"I'm not? But I was drinking alone, a lot, and blacking out?"

"You were using it as a crutch, and that's bad. You're the kind of person who can have one or two drinks occasionally, especially with your meds. But it doesn't make you an alcoholic."

Words to think about. In fact, I had been. I mean, I drank. A lot. But I gave up easy. And it's been fine. I don't know. I was thinking I'll give it till a year and then try to drink like a normal person again. Perhaps alcohol just isn't done with me.

The full monty

So there's a cool chat on Twitter that happens on Tuesday nights at 9pm (#mhsm). Tonight they were talking about disclosure; when and who to disclose to, what the repercussions are, etc.

I'm one big contradiction. Everyone in my life knows I'm bipolar. I tell people usually the first or second time I meet them. I like people to know up front, and I like to have the people around me educated about the illness. I find it easier to just be me and have people who can call me out on my behavior if it gets too one direction or the other. It's also good to have people in your corner when you're not a very good advocate for yourself. Saying, "I don't feel good." to someone who knows how bad you can really feel is easier than getting yourself to a doctor. So really, disclosure is totally selfish.

But hardly anyone knows I'm sober. Isn't that odd? It's not like I care if they know, but I do, sort of. I mean, everyone drinks, and everyone is used to me drinking heavily. It's part of my personality, like being bipolar is. So what happens to a me without alcohol? I'm just finding that out, and I'm not sure I know how to represent myself yet.

Strange, huh? That I should be ok with the debilitating illness and not with the minor alcoholism?

Driving myself to the brink

Wow, I am a hot mess. I knew I shouldn't have opened my mouth. I was sitting there feeling panic coming on; hands shaking, heart pounding, stomach acids churning. But I did it anyway. We had just read a story in the Big Book called Crossing the River of Denial, about a woman who realized there was no point in continuing to drink. In there, she says, after losing her job, "thank goodness I was sober or I probably would have killed myself."

So I opened up to the group. "I lost my job four months into my sobriety, and like this woman, I think I would be dead if I weren't sober." I was shaking, my eye twitching, my heart pounding. I don't know what else I said, but I could barely get anything sensible out. I made it short.

This seems to happen every time I open my mouth and talk about anything except how much something costs or whether the newspaper was delivered this morning. I can do work in the store, but I can't talk to anyone else about anything else without bringing on a panic attack.

On the drive home, I knew I shouldn't be driving. I could feel the car expanding around me: the cockpit was becoming large enough for a giant. It was just me and the steering wheel. Everything else was moving farther away from me. Then a bus pulled up behind me and passed to the left. It was so big! The bus just overwhelmed me even in my gigantic car.

I made it to the parking garage. Oh, God, now I have to back in to the tight space. Breathe, breathe. I did it. I shouldn't have been driving. I wanted to stay for another meeting but my dad needs the car. I feel like I should just take another Zyprexa and call it a night.

8 months sober

I just realized that as of today, I'm 8 months sober. That's pretty good. I could almost have had a baby at this point.

It's hard to tell just how I feel, because the bipolar mess is getting in the way, but I can tell you I'm enjoying being sober. It's nice to not have to stuff everything down with drugs or alcohol. I feel almost less depressed, just because I don't have to be so embarrassed anymore. I'm not making late night drunken, crying phone calls or falling down. I'm not late to work because I'm hungover, or hungover at work. My skin feels better. My body feels lighter. I don't have horrible headaches or skinned knees anymore.

I remember a lot of times I would get drunk and call my mom or Adam and talk about how I had a problem with alcohol. I was always drunk and complaining, and I'm sure didn't make a lick of sense. Now, I don't have to do that anymore.

And although I'm really depressed right now and suicidal, I think I'm alive because I'm not drinking. Last time I was suicidal, I drank myself into a position where I tried to commit suicide. Now, I have control over my faculties (sort of). Bipolar and alcohol together equal zero impulse control. Without alcohol, I have a semblance of control. I can resist those impulses to hurt myself. I really believe if I thought it was an option to get drunk, I would be dead.

It's also been 2 months since I quit smoking. I can tell you, I smell a lot better, and my breathing is so much easier. If I could get up the energy to run, I'm sure it would feel a hell of a lot better.

So 8 months. I wish I could say it's been all roses, but such is life. Life is interesting, and if it had been all perfect, well, it wouldn't be interesting.

Yeah, yeah, I know

Ok, ok. So as usual it didn't take me long to figure out that I'm perfectly fine when sitting here safe in front of my computer, but out in the real world... I'm a fucking mess without my meds. I admit it: I have bipolar disorder. 16 years and 5 psychiatrists weren't wrong. I am on the verge of a breakdown, and tonight showed me just how close. I couldn't even get out the words, "I need a sponsor," without crying. That's pretty bad, since I don't cry, and NEVER in public. I'm what you might call stoic (except around Adam, but that's because frustration makes me cry, and boy is he frustrating).

So yeah, I'm patiently waiting till Thursday when the doc and I can have a conversation about what drugs to try me on. I don't want to do lithium or Zyprexa, but I'm willing to try out other stuff I've been on before to see if new combinations work better. I'm going to go into this new phase like I'm going into sobriety: with honesty.

Sometimes I just want my doc to feel like he's doing a good job, so I'll lie and say the meds make me feel better. A lot of the time I don't think they're doing anything, but I get confused as to what normal feels like, and I don't want to disappoint the doc by not getting better. Well, that doesn't help me, now does it?

I'm going to keep it together till Thursday and then I'm going to be honest throughout the process. Remind me on Wednesday how much I need this, or I'm sure I'll try to convince myself out of it again.

A desire to stop drinking

Apparently you can pick up cyber chips now. Just click the chip above.

Easy there, tiger

"The slogan "Easy Does It" is one way we A.A.’s remind each other that many of us have tendencies at times to overdo things, to rush heedlessly along, impatient with anything that slows us down. We find it hard to relax and savor life."

Ahh, relax. I have such trouble with this. I just want to do things right and right now, and so I rush them. Simple things like getting the line down at work makes me so anxious that I rush and mess up the register. Slow. Down. It's not a race. People can wait an extra 2 seconds for you to type in the right codes the first time. It'll go faster if you focus on doing it right.

I've been thinking a lot lately about living in the moment; being where my feet are. Sitting at the bar last night I was trying to concentrate on the conversation at hand, not on the fact that I wanted to leave or join another good-looking group. I try to focus on the hot water in the shower, the sound of my feet hitting the ground when I walk, savor the taste of something instead of think about how hungry I am or how unsatisfying soup is when you want something else.

Is it working? Sometimes. Sometimes I'm able to give myself that little moment of pause and celebrate whatever I'm doing. I've slowed down a lot, I think, but not enough. I need to appreciate what I have right now: be where my feet are.

I'm grumpy

It's hard to meet people when you move to a new city. It took me 9 months when I moved to meet a friend, and two years to make good friends. So I'm not expecting miracles here. Plus, there are a lot of extenuating circumstances this time: I'm not leaving the house much because I'm depressed and it's damn cold outside, I don't have a job where I can meet people, and I'm sober. Three strikes, and I get a night like tonight. Not that tonight was bad. It was just... lame?

So there's a great website called Meetup that has all sorts of events on it. I used it last time I moved last time, and got a good connection with the city. I didn't really meet anyone good, but I got to know my town. So I thought I'd try it again. I went out tonight with a group, not expecting anything to come from it but a night out of the house. In that regards, it was successful. So I suppose I have nothing to complain about. But I will, anyway.

We were at a bar, which doesn't bother me (and I got free drinks all night cause diet Coke was on the house!), or at least I didn't think it did. I remember now that, drunk or no drunk, I'm not much of a bar goer. I never went unless Sam was in town or I was going on a first date. They don't bother me, I just haven't been into the bar scene since my early 20s. Now I remember why they bug me: drunk people. I hate obnoxious drunk people.

You would figure in a group of people all in their late 30s/early 40s and in a fancy expensive bar there wouldn't be obnoxious drunk people. But there she was, with us. She was slurring and falling off her chair; jumping in to conversations with loud, odd responses to questions she must have been asking herself (resentment!). At first I was just really embarrassed for her, and thankful I had given up going to bars before I got like that, if I ever got like that. Thank you Lord for making me a home drunk.

Now I'm just grumpy. I suppose being a sober adult I will meet many more people like that; hell, some of them are related to me; but that was my first run-in as a sober person, and it was even more obnoxious than I remember. I can think of all the reasons she would have drunk like that, but then it occurs to me that those are all excuses I used to make for myself, and I don't have to make them for other people. It's just unfortunate.

So I stayed a reasonable amount of time and then bid farewell, only to wait 18 minutes for a metro train and have my iPod die on me. So I'm grumpy, and can't sleep, and have to work at 9am. Sigh.

Dual diagnosis here I come

I just noticed what time it is. I was going to go to a meeting tonight. Damn. Last one is at 8:30. I suppose tomorrow I can get up at a decent hour and go to a meeting before my interview. I need to find a sponsor. It would be nice to have one, and it would be especially good right now that I'm having thoughts of medicating with substances. Julie and I agreed that if the urge gets too overwhelming to self-medicate that I should have a cigarette. Just the thought of smoking stops me in my tracks, though, since it's just so gross to start again. It smells so bad, and tastes so bad, and is expensive, "And there are over 200 chemicals in it." Gross.

My old sponsor out west has been sending me a gratitude list everyday, as have a few other women on this listserve. It's been really nice to see what is keeping everyone else sober. I think I may ask her to continue to sponsor me until I can find someone. I really like her, and she's easy to talk to.

What I need to do is hit the dual-diagnosis meeting in the city and see if I can find a sponsor there. It would be nice to have someone who understands the ups and downs of bipolar coupled with alcoholism. It is kind of a different beast to be one of the people with "mental and emotional problems."

Ronni said

A friend of mine said that today she was grateful "That I don't have to drink when I feel shattered!" Amen, sister.

I can feel all sorts of torn up, or confused, or disappointed, or just sad, but I don't have to drink. I don't have to see those feelings through the bottom of a bottle. I can just sit here with them. I can take a hot shower and think about nothing for a little while. I can play with a three year old and watch cartoons. I can go to bed early to make up for the lack of sleep last night. And I can do all these things sober. Sure, it's harder, but life isn't supposed to be easy, now is it?