Is that you God?

There's a neat little post today on Acting On Impulse (on Paulo Coehlo's blog). The priest has an internal impulse to preach right then and there and, despite his embarrassment and inclination to stay seated, he delivers a sermon. He never gets to know if it had any impact on anyone, or sees any tangible results, but he still believes that it served some purpose.

Sometimes you just have to listen to your HP. Sometimes those little "impulses" are your HP talking to you, telling you the right thing to do in the moment. But how can you tell if it's ego telling you what to do or your HP? That's where it gets tricky. There are some obvious indicators - like if it's something obviously bad for you or others, like stealing or lying, it's probably your ego; and if it's something like helping an old lady across the street or being a priest and delivering a sermon, that's probably a good thing. But what about all the other little impulses?

That's where having a relationship with your HP in the first place comes in handy. You're more likely to do what's right if you know where the next right action's message usually comes from. I know when I talk to and hear from God I get a calming feeling. So if I'm feeling calm and get an impulse to do something, I can usually suspect good things. If I'm all amped up, I bet it's just my mania talking.

You'll find your own way of telling, but just make sure the things you do won't get you or anyone else in prison, and you're probably ok.

God is the fabric of your life

I went to Christmas mass with the family tonight and got to see a lot of little kids doing the Christmas pageant and singing while dressed up as angels. They had the little tinsel halos on, just like I did when I sang in the choir as a kid. Some things never change.

I sat there, well, stood there because there were too many people, and listened to kids read the gospels and letters about Jesus, and listened to the incredible Christmas carols by the church choir/band. Usually I hate that church because they have a band, and I don't want a bunch of people up there making up songs or singing stuff written in the 1970s. I want something written in the 1790s. I like the original sounds of Christmas, besides Mariah Carey, of course.

But the best part of the mass was the homily. The priest commented on a man he met earlier in the day who he had to turn away from the free lunch program because they had closed for the day. It was the man's birthday, and so the priest gave him a dollar for every year of his life. "Since you can't come in here, where are you going to go?" "Assembly of God is open," he replied. The church roared with laughter. See, Assembly of God isn't a Catholic church, but it is right down the road.

And the priest's point was, and he said: "God is in the fabric of everything. He's in the fabric of that man's life, he's in the fabric of my life, and he's in the fabric of yours."

God is everywhere. He's in all things we do, and all things we see. He's everywhere. He's in the flowers and the animals, the people around you, the snow or the sun. It's pretty amazing. And what a nice thought at this Christmastime. I keep getting away from the church just because I never want to wake up on Sunday's, but I do like going to church. I think I'm going to start getting up again.

A higher power in the solstice

The total eclipse tonight was pretty cool. Click here to see NASA's photo stream from Flickr. It was pretty amazing to see that big rock just sitting there in the sky. It looked like it was just hanging there "Like a balloon," my dad said. It makes you think about planets, rocks, gravity, and the expansive nature of the universe.

There's so much out there that we can't possibly be the only sentient-life-formed-filled planet. There has to be other places where souls exist in some form or another. A place where they've come up with their own higher powers. Where they watch total eclipses and think of rocks and gravity, even if they haven't discovered gravity yet. Or did way before we did.

So why would a higher power give a shit about us? Well, maybe when you think like that, you just have to think "higher" doesn't mean "smarter" it can just mean bigger. Something out there is bigger and more important than you. And that's an easy one to see. It's pretty obvious we're little and the world revolves around something other than us. If you believe in the bigger not necessarily wiser version of a higher power, you still have to admit that the laws of physics know more than you do, and the universe is incredibly smarter in it's constant turnings and twistings to keep life forms alive and giant rocks flowing in different patterns.

Whatever you think a higher power is, it made a pretty good show tonight. Happy solstice!

What's the itinerary?

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Ohhh, I like this:

"I've often said that I'm definitely okay with God's plan for me, as long as he slips an itinerary under the door every day so I know what it is.

Today, there's no schedule, so I'll just have to go on faith."

Thanks, Ed. It looks like he doesn't post much, but when he does it reads well.

I have so much trouble with the third step. Or I suppose I don't. I just say it every day: I'm not in control here, something else is. I have nothing to do with the outcome, I can only do the steps needed to make something happen.

If this guy can do it

Running is really good for addiction. There are a lot of accomplished runners who started out as addicts. Take this dude for example:

"That was my lowest low," he says. "The day when I woke up." He was, in the bluntest of terms, a crackhead--stealing, lying, begging for that next hit. For more than a decade, Engle had been addicted to alcohol and drugs, and now, on this corner, he reached absolute bottom. Engle had spent the past week holed up in a $10-per-day motel, smoking crack, drinking cheap liquor, screwing prostitutes, dealing with quarter-sized bullet holes in the side of his car. Back home in North Carolina, he had a wife and a 2-year-old son, and yet he could not care less. He was about one thing, and one thing only: the high. "I hated my life," says Engle, "but I couldn't escape it. So I prayed."

I hear a lot from people who said all they cared about was that next high, that next drink. I was definitely getting there. I wanted to make sure there was alcohol everywhere I went. I only hung out if there was booze, and if there wasn't going to be, I brought some. I wasn't to the point that I stopped caring about other people, but I realize now that I didn't care about them like I could.

And "So I prayed." God really comes through for you. Ask for help, and ye shall receive.

It's all about the search

"When it comes to God, it's not about the finding, it's about the seeking."

I talked to one of my pigeon sisters this morning, and she went to a meeting where they talked about the chapter about agnostics. She's a former Catholic and hasn't come to terms with the praying and higher power yet. She only has 13 days, so I told her it will come. She can always use the group as her higher power until she figures it out.

I like that it's the seeking. I've heard that from priests and nuns all my life. It's not about belief, it's about the questioning. It's about the looking into something and trying to find out what it means to you. I'm pretty lucky that I knew exactly where to turn when AA spoke of a higher power. I've always talked to God, even when I didn't believe in the church, I always believed there was something out there greater than me.

My goal now is to trust: to turn it over and let God have control. I come back to the third step daily. I have so much trouble just letting it go.

Speaking through the pain

From Beyond Blue this morning:

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." --Helen Keller

* "Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world." --C.S. Lewis

God truly does speak when you're in crisis, or at least that's when you hear him the most. Maybe it's a hallucination, but I think I can hear his will for me.

My God, make it go away

"Big Book page #50: Once confused and baffled by the seeming futility of existence, they show the underlying reasons why they were making heavy going of life. Leaving aside the drink question, they tell why living was so unsatisfactory. They show how the change came over them. When many hundreds of people are able to say that the consciousness of the Presence of God is today the most important fact of their lives, they present a powerful reason why one should have faith."

So you are saying that once I get back with my God I'll like myself. Interesting. I do feel more at peace when I commune with God, but what happens the other 23 hours of the day?

Stick with the winners

As I left the retreat, Sister Bonnie said to me, "I know I'll see you back here. You can see it in your face: you want this. Stick with the winners."

I do want this. I want a better connection to my God. I want a better, drug free life (even cigarettes), I want to grow enough to help other people overcome their addictions. Maybe I should go back to school for social work or counseling. Addiction counseling would be interesting, but I would want some mental health training there, too. I bet the college of social work at my old university would take me. I could get a reference from my old therapist. What an interesting thing to think of.

I could even go back and get a master's in religion (I have my BA in religious studies), and do religious counseling. Maybe even one day lead a retreat like we just had: small, intimate groups. I hate big speaking events.

A change is in store. Let's see what it is.

Enlightenment

She's talking about Lindsey Lohan, but I think it applies:

She, like so many other young adults, are never able to access their purpose because they are too busy numbing their feelings. Only that tiny voice of wisdom can be heard from their higher power, Buddha, God, Jesus, Allah, or higher self when they remove all the destructive behavior their lives encompass. Only when they embody their true and enlightened nature, will they find the peace and serenity they so desire.

Only when you embody your true and enlightened self. Spirituality is an important part of life, as well as recovery. You don't have to define what that higher power is, but in order to find serenity one must look outside of themselves.

I've been listening for that tiny voice. I've been trying to clear my mind of all the muck, and just open my heart to hear what God's been trying to tell me through all these trials. There's got to be a reason, a purpose to these things. Perhaps God just wanted me to be home for some reason, and he wanted me here now? We shall see.

God as we understand him

Tonight we talked about finding that higher power, and I thought I would share here what I came up with.

I grew up Roman Catholic. I attended catholic school and believed in God. I believed in the church, in the nuns, in everything they said, and I believed that in order for God to love you, you had to do what he asked you to do. Like not have sex before marriage or take the Lord's name in vain. Man, I was annoying about that. And I held off on sex before marriage until I found someone who I thought I was in love with (well, I was) and I thought we would get married (we were 15). It took me a lot of guts to go through with it.

He broke up with me (2 years later) and I lost a little bit of my faith.

I moved a bit away from the church by the time I was 19 and stopped going to church. I studied religion in college and accepted that all religions have something great to say, but looked at them in a more clinical anthropological sense. Religions were developed with rules of society. These rules were made to keep people in line, or keep people safe. Don't eat pigs, because pigs carried diseases they couldn't handle back then. Don't have sex out of marriage, because then it would lead to pregnancy and single mothers couldn't be married off. The rules all made perfect sense when they were made.

But I always believed in a power greater than myself. There have been miracles performed in my life before now, and I always knew there was something working the universe and it sure wasn't me.

Now, I'm trying to come to a place where I can believe in the church as a power greater than myself, without pushing it into something else. I'm hoping to come to an agreement with God that I believe in him, and hope to find my place in the church without all those rules.

All I know now, is that I have to give my life over to the care of God. I am not in control here, and I know it. I never have been.

Come on, God

I swear God is testing me. How much can he add to my plate before I start to really get worried? I don't have a job, or a house, my car is far away, so is my dog, and now my mom might have to move because of the dog, and I have to pay $700 for her to move into a dog building. Or I could take him here, but I worry about being in a high rise and him wanting to go out all the time. Plus, I wouldn't be able to leave to go places like meetings and interviews. How selfish of me. I should just bring him here.

But I won't break. I don't want a drink. All I can think of is getting relief from running. I'm trying not to do it through eating or smoking, which is hard to do anyway. I applied somewhere today that is a smoke free workplace, because it's a hospital, and so I would have to quit if I worked someplace like that.

They are all little things, but I feel like I'm being tested. I've had enough crap in my life already that you think I would get a free pass or something. But life is life, and I can't control any of it. All I can do is my best.

We find magic everywhere

I was brought up Catholic, but I tried out paganism for a little while. I believe there is a spirit that exists everywhere and in everything, and I wanted to practice a belief closer to that thought.

I tried witchcraft. I learned how to read palms and tarot cards. I figured out spells and had all the materials, except a coven. I practiced in the second bedroom of my dad's apartment. One day, I tried out a simple communication with the world using candles and a chant. I felt so much power! I was shaking at the feeling rushing through me, and I thought, "This is too much to handle on my own. I need the company of others to help me through this." But I didn't want to be part of the "posers" I knew who were into witchcraft. They seemed to do it as a thing instead of truly believing in something. They just wanted to be identified as witches.

And so I went back to the comfort of Catholicism. After all, it was built on pagan traditions and myth. The rituals are a lot like those of paganism, only they believe in the trinity of God. There's a great Dar Williams song about christians and pagans, and a lyric I love is, "You find magic in your God and we find magic everywhere."

Lately I've been thinking about what my God looks like. I know I can rely on the "Him" that is of my childhood, but I still believe in fairies and power in the world that I can't explain. I know as a part of this sobriety I don't have to decide what the power greater than myself is, I just have to believe that there is one.

And so I believe in something. I don't know what it is yet, but I know it's there.

Know who's pumping your heart

Today we talked about loneliness in the meeting. I was really lonely in the beginning. I missed my dear buddy alcohol. He was my best friend, and steady companion. And now? I'm not so lonely. I've learned how to reach out to the fellowship of AA, and to be more in contact with people who love me, instead of isolating.

There's a guy there dealing with massive depression, and he had a relapse. I really relate to the feeling that depression will take you under and the only recipe for coming out is a drink, but it's such a falsity. Depression and alcohol don't go well together. They make each other worse; you feel more depressed, and seem to get drunk faster, or just drink more. I hope he hangs in there and I see him again next week.

Another guy said he talks to his HP all the time, and he needs to remember who's pumping his heart. He needs to remember that there is an HP out there somewhere who's just waiting to make a miracle happen, but will do it in his time. You can ask for help, you can ask for things, but God will make it happen when it's supposed to happen. You're right where you're supposed to be. Be where your feet are.

Dehydration sucks

I think I'm dehydrated. I've kinda got the shakes, and I know it's not booze related, cause it's been almost 90 days since my last drink. But man have I been inhaling the caffeine.

I have a really addictive personality, apparently. Once I start doing something, I just can't seem to stop. I can't have one anything. If I have one, I want another immediately. I want another cookie. I want another breakfast. I want another cup of coffee or diet Coke. I want to keep running even when I'm tired and hurting. I want to write another blog post. I want to drive a few more miles. I want, I want, I want.

So part of AA is learning to let go of these wants and ask what God wants. Does God want me to have another diet Coke? Apparently not, since he's saying through my body, "Drink some water, damn it!" I should probably do that, huh? I don't know when the last time I drank water was, but I'm sure I could get addicted to it if I tried.

Big Book rocks

I keep staring at my inbox hoping for another email from a company asking for an interview. I know, 2 out of 10 is pretty good, but I like having options. And I like giving interviews.

I've given this decision up to God. There is a life for me here if I need it, but I know I need to go home at some point. I've got to face the music. I ran away to the other side of the country to try and get some peace, and I learned to do that.

Today in the meeting we read "Gutter Bravado" on page 501 of the Big Book. The guy talks about running away from home to get his drink on, and that's just what I did. I know that I need to learn to live with the people I ran from, and that my life will be better if I can do that.

So I'm asking God to make the decision for me: stay or go. Whichever happens, I'm good with it. I'll keep applying to places, but he'll pick which one picks me.

The obsession has not been lifted

The obsession to drink has not been lifted from me. It was for a while, but now that I'm feeling depressed, the thing I used to do to make me feel better was drink. I'm a happy drunk (to others) and it would take away that feeling of nothingness. I thought about going to a restaurant on my way home from the meeting and getting a beer. "Maybe I'm not that bad," I thought. "I've never been in the gutter. I never pushed people I love away from me. I've never been in jail."

But I know those are all just "yets." It would be easy for me to end up in jail for drunk driving. If I started drinking again I would feel so guilty that I would probably push people away. I could always end up homeless because I would go to work drunk and someone would notice.

Instead, I chose to work with my diseases, and to try to conquer that obsession by offering it up to God. I haven't done enough of that lately: saying to God that I need help. Well, I'm saying it again. God, show me again why this is a good idea. Let me remember that I can't have just one drink. Show me that my medication is actually working better. Remind me just how much better off I am now. Oh wait, He just did.

Children always know best

Pam said she read something this week that really struck her.

"Children have an unexpectedly sophisticated grasp of spirituality, and they’re happier for it."

Children, with their amazing capacity for wonder, often grasp spiritual terms and life much easier and faster than we adults can. Remember when you were a little kid and you knew, just knew, there was something bigger than you? Whether it was God, or fairies, mother nature, whatever. There was a universe, and you were part of it.

"Often when people talk about a spiritual experience, they’ll recall something from childhood, she says, but over time, society and even religious institutions themselves encourage people to suppress that youthful capacity for wonder.

'Children are very familiar with mystery and with not knowing, which is a quality of spirituality,' she says. 'Their days are filled with new discoveries and new insights. They’re open and they’re curious; they understand that we don’t always have words to describe what it is that we’re thinking and feeling.'”

Why can't we maintain this curiosity? We end up "socialized" and lose that sense of wonder that makes everything possible. So this is your homework for the week: regain your sense of wonder and play. Do something child-like. Even if it's just playing with your kids and watching their excitement at learning about the world. Do something good for your soul.

I'll laugh, God plans

In the meeting tonight someone said her sponsee once told her that God laughs while we plan. She didn't like that, God laughing at her, so she changed it. "I'll laugh, God plans."

God (or HP) has plans for us that we can't even imagine. He is willing to do for us what we can't do for ourselves, and often has things in our future that we never thought were possible. He gives us things we don't think we deserve, but we do. God takes care of us.

I've been thinking a lot about moving jobs, and I've been applying to some in my hometown, and some here. I've found a perfect one in each place, so I've applied and now I'll sit back and let God work. If I don't get either, that's ok. It's all going to be alright. I have a job, and it's a pretty good one, too, in some respects. And if He decides that it's time for me to move back home, He'll let me know. Every year I apply to positions back home, but they've always fallen through. I know now that God was trying to tell me something: I wasn't ready yet. I needed to grow more, in a way that I could only do here. He put me in a position where AA meetings are two blocks from work, and 4 blocks from home. He knew it was coming, even when I didn't.

So sit back and laugh while you let God do the planning for you.

A chemical dependency, not

I'm giving you a lot to read today.

"...the intensity of cravings for cigarettes had more to do with the psychosocial element of smoking than with the physiological effects of nicotine as an addictive chemical."

Apparently it's the habit of smoking that controls your cravings more than the actual nicotine. That's why sometimes you don't crave cigarettes in places you can't smoke, until the time draws near that you can smoke. Back when I smoked in the car, I always felt like I needed a cigarette when I got in the car. Now that I don't anymore, I don't crave them when I'm driving. I crave them when I'm getting close to my house, because I know I can smoke there. Interesting.

Another interesting thing about cigarettes and withdrawal, "Withdrawal symptoms represent a smoker's brain and body adjusting to being nicotine-free, and they typically peak within the first three days of quitting smoking and last for two weeks or longer.'This study suggests that the typical smoker begins to feel somewhat out-of-sorts within an hour of his or her last cigarette,' says senior author Brandon. 'Although they are not yet in the throes of full withdrawal that they would experience after a day without nicotine, they can already perceive that they are not feeling quite right, and that a cigarette would offer temporary relief.'" Researchers Find Nicotine Withdrawal Begins Quickly

Back when I tried to quit smoking last week, I started feeling crazy almost immediately. I felt nuts by the end of the day, and couldn't even think about anything but having that relief that cigarettes would bring. I can't imagine that going on for two weeks. I think it's going to have to happen sometime soon, though. I need to stop having these addictive traits. I know I'm an addict by design, but there are some things I have control over. Well, some things I can give to God and ask him to give me the strength to have control over. One of those things is smoking.

So if I can just train myself not to smoke at work, and then not to smoke on my way to meetings, that should put me at one or two cigarettes a day. From there, it will be easy to get down to one, and once you're there, they start to taste bad. Slowly but surely I will ween myself off of them. I'll give myself some time to do it, though.

Another article said that exercise helps curb withdrawal and cravings. Once I get back to running three times a week, I should be able to stop smoking at work and start being good to myself again. I sure need it.