Who are you?

Something I love about AA is that you often don't know what you're thinking until you open your mouth to share.

I hated myself as a kid. That's why I started doing drugs. I wanted to fill that hole inside of me. I don't know where it came from, but it was always there. It was just that something I lived with. Deep down inside of me there was an emptiness. Did drugs fill that hole? Kinda. I felt even worse. I seriously hated myself. All the time. I thought I was fat, ugly, stupid, you name it. Everything. And drugs didn't make it any better. But they made me forget for a minute. They made me outgoing, and outgoing made people like me.

So I developed an outgoing personality. I became an anthropologist. I studied the culture of the people around me and tried to be just like them, but I never really succeeded. I was always a little weird, a little on the outside. But people liked me. I have tons of friends! People were always drawn to me. Inside, I was miserable and couldn't stand to have people around, and sometimes I would hide from them, but people liked when I was there. So I kept doing drugs, and kept trying to be someone people would like.

Once I overdosed, I turned to alcohol to fill that need, that hole. I became bell of the bar. I danced, I sang, I flirted. I hung out with everyone and made my house the center of the party. I became the cool girl, the drunken good time girl. I was again someone people would like. I fit in. And I was miserable. This time, instead of overdosing, I tried to slit my wrists.

I was on the up trajectory with my friends across the country. I was the cool girl, the one who threw the big parties, the one who got everyone home safe at night, the one who bought the good booze or made sure everyone's glass was full. I was fun to hang out with and everyone's friend. Until I started to drink alone and go to the bar after drinking with my friends at their houses. They weren't the kind of girls to go all night; they were the have a few bottles of wine at someone's house kind of group. Which I loved, but I never had enough alcohol. So I drank at home.

And I hated myself. Here's that cursor blinking again. I hated myself.

And now, I'm in AA, I'm talking, I have a sponsor, I'm reading step books and calling people. And I'm acting like everyone thinks I should be. I'm doing the right thing so people will like me and I'll appear like one of the crowd. I'm pretending again. I'm pretending to be someone I'm not.

So who the fuck am I besides miserable?