Using crutches to get you through

"Their greatest initial difficulty tended to be the absence of a crutch to help 'escape, hide or get momentary relief from painful situations, troubles and feelings.' Instead of masking emotions with alcohol, the masters eventually learned to recognize what they were feeling, and to allow themselves to experience it and express it in a healthier way.

According to the Times: 'Quite a few of the masters found that when alcohol no longer served as an emotional mask, they needed professional treatment for depression, anxiety or relationship issues that might have fed their drinking problems.'" Treating Substance Abuse

I think this is my problem right now. There's no crutch for me to lean on in times of stress, except smoking and eating. When you take away all the crutches, especially at once and before you learn new techniques to handle those new emotions, it can be almost devastating. My goal in the next few months is to learn how to deal with these new emotions popping up.

Smoke um if you got um

I tried to give up cigarettes this morning. I cleaned the backyard, and found a dead squirrel, and smoked my last cigarette. That was at 10am. It's 3pm and I just bought another pack.

I think smoking is harder to give up than drinking. I've been drinking longer, but for some reason smoking means more to me. It reminds me of high school and sneaking out at night. It reminds me of sitting in bars and listening to karaoke. It reminds me of sitting out by a fire at night and of relaxing.

My therapist agrees. Apparently people with mental illess, I'm bipolar, by the way, get a different reaction to cigarettes. They really do relax them, and change their brain chemistry. That's why you see schizophrenics chain smoking - it does help.

When you loose one mental crutch, like booze, it's hard to get rid of the rest of them. In fact, I've been leaning on smokes every time I want to drink. It also prevents me from eating more ice cream, which is an addiction in itself.

So, again, this is my last pack. This is the one that's going to end it all. I'm going to set limits - no smoking at work or in the car. That should get me down to 2 a night, and from there, I can stop smoking pretty soon. Let's hope.