Smoke tastes bad

Yeah, yeah. So I bought another pack of cigarettes. I already smoked one, and now I'm on to this second one. I know, I shouldn't have had that first one at the wedding, but I just really wanted one. It felt like the right thing to do, even though it was so wrong. And now I'm addicted again; sneaking out like a high schooler onto my back porch at night when my dad is asleep. I really need to move out.

I really need to quit smoking, again. I realize I am powerless over my addiction. It has me in it's grasp. I'm coughing and sneezing, and I know it's not allergies. It's my allergy to the cigarettes. I need to put them down and be serious this time. I made it 6 months! I can make it another 6. And another. One day at a time.

It's nice that AA has taught me so much about addiction and letting go. I can just say: for today, I won't smoke. But after I finish this pack....

Smoke a dope

Waiting, waiting. Traffic sucks, apparently.

I think smoking makes me more anxious. I'm almost done with this pack and then I can quit again. Really, I could just throw then away, but what a waste of nicotine. I have a problem.

I'm seeing Adam tonight to watch our show, and so I'm going to have to take a shower beforehand. I'm sure we'll be cuddling - we always do - and he hates the smell of smoke. He hates that I smoke, I think. It's a nasty habit. It smells. I'm not smoking anymore. Three more, that's it.

They taunt me

I have to admit: I smoked some cigarettes lately. It's been since November 21 that I quit, but on Saturday I had about 3, and Tuesday I had 4. Unfortunately, someone left their half empty pack with me, and I've been staring at them for an hour now. See, earlier today when I went to a meeting I stood outside and smoked with some folks. And now, I want another one.

Nicotine is a lot like cocaine. "A single 15-minute exposure to nicotine caused a long-term increase in the excitability of neurons involved in reward." You get it in your system and that's it. You want more. So I've been watching for my dad to go to sleep, or at least go in his room, and here it is almost 2am and the man is still reading his book. I can't escape, or even go out on the porch. He's blocking the way. Damn it.

I promised Jennifer I would not buy another pack once this one is gone. And I won't. No matter how much I miss smoking, I don't want to go back to it while I'm living at home. Ahh, you catch that? That was me giving myself permission to smoke again one day. Bad. I've got to watch that. "Smoking is bad," says Jennifer, who can't seem to quit either.

What does NAMI know about it?

Damn. Julie just sent me an email with some side effect stuff and told me I should really look into the effects of caffeine on lithium production in the body. I think she's trying to get me to stop drinking so much coffee. So, I headed over to NAMI to see what they think.

"Avoid excessive intake of caffeinated beverages, such as coffee, tea, cola or energy drinks, since these may decrease levels of lithium and decrease effectiveness of the medication."

Aw, seriously? Lithium really works against everything else, doesn't it? I wonder if it's the caffeine that's causing the panic attacks and the shakes? I suppose there's no way to tell. What I'll have to do is just start drinking more water and less diet Coke. They say not to change the sodium levels in your diet when taking lithium, because that can effect the dosage, but cutting out one or two diet Cokes will hopefully be for the best, she says as she reaches for the cold one at her feet.

The temptations

I wanted a drink. I wanted a smoke. She had told me taking that path would lead to another drink, and I didn't want to go there, so I didn't even consider it for another minute. I took the easy slope, ignoring the direct path. Both were covered in sizable stones blocking parts of the path, both littered with roots rising from the dusty earth. Each path had its hazards, but one led straight to a drink, whereas the other would give me the time I needed to shore myself against that seemingly inevitable.

One foot in front of the other, I started to scope out this new way; to see what might lie in front of me; but the overhanging limbs blocked any clear line of view to what the future might bring. Pressing one light branch back, I made my way forward, walking past the bar and into the theatre, ordering a diet Coke. Inside, I sat and watched the man leave for a cigarette, putting one to his lips before he left his row. Only for an instant did I think to ask him for one, and the instant came only after he had gone - too late to act.

She ordered a bottle of wine. "Will this trigger you, my unhappy baby?" "I already want one," I mumbled back. "I won't judge," she whispered. Always the devil on my shoulder, I laughed inside. She had just given me a gift. Now, I knew I didn't want that at all. Just imagining the taste of cheap wine in a dirty theatre made me want to wretch. If I'm going down, I'm going down in flames with the most expensive bottle of wine on the list, and it had better be an expensive list.

I came back out into the night free of booze and cigarettes. "Why am I the only one in the family who embraces their alcoholism anymore?" she asked me, half jokingly. I just smiled, gave her a kiss on the cheek, and headed back home.

Ah, ye temptresses of the night

It's confession time! It's been hard this week working in the store because we have a really great wine selection, and the owner is really into wine. He offered me a bottle and I told him I didn't drink. "Ah," he said, "My wife doesn't drink either. She said she had enough of it before she met me." I told him that was my thing too: I'd just had enough of it. And I have. But making the signs for the different regions and wines, visiting winery websites, especially of places I've been to before or places like Argentina where I would love to go, makes it hard. Can't you just imagine sitting on a vine covered patio in the cool breeze of the midday sipping a honeysuckle chardonnay and munching on fresh berries? I've done it before, and man was it fun. But I'll never have that moment with wine again.

Well, I shouldn't say never. I'm making the decision not to drink for just today. That's all I can say. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? One day at a time, and all that jazz.

Another thing we have is cigarettes. My job is really dull, and standing there pretty much alone for 6 hours had me staring at the cigarettes thinking, "I could just step out the back door...." But I thought about the taste and how really gross it is. "But if you just get past the first one...," nothing. Nope. Gross.

It's been a month and a half since I quit smoking, 7 1/2 since I quit drinking, and I have no reason to want to go back to either. I think having to think about them and look at them for hours on end kinda sucks, but I'll have to get used to being around things that make me uncomfortable one of these days.

You know what the best thing to do would be? Go to a meeting.

I'm not a quitter

"Don't give up before the miracle happens."

I don't think I'm "giving up," per se. I'm sure as hell not giving up on sobriety. It was the best gift I've given to myself. I feel better, I think better, I drive better. My sobriety is important to me. I'm not going to bars or putting myself in situations where everyone is drinking. I'm taking it one day at a time and committing to myself.

And I'm not "quitting" AA. I'm just...reconsidering. Thinking about whether I want to keep sober through AA. I don't know. I think it's a great program, and I've seen it work. I just don't know if I need it.

Five year plan

Reverb tonight asks what I would say to myself if I could talk to me 5 years from now. What advice would I give? What would that 5 years wiser (and still young) woman say to this lost and confused one?

I can only imagine she'd say, "Don't worry, we're all lost and confused. Sure, you were, as they say, down on your luck for a while, but you know what? It was a really great period of growth for you. Don't you remember how great 2010 was? All the things you did? All the things you gave up? You should have been a little more proud of yourself instead of focusing your self-worth on the fact that you got fired from a job you hated, and by a crazy person. Really, Anne! Come on, now, give yourself a pat on the back for not drinking through that one."

Because she's me, she wouldn't ruin any of the surprises, either. "Where do you end up getting a job? Well, you'll just have to wait and see. You'll have to go through it to find out if you and Adam ever become anything but good friends. And marriage? Children? Honestly, 5 years from now? Maybe a stretch for you, love."

I really wonder what she'll look like. Will her hair be shorter? Will it be going grey or will she be coloring it? Will cigarettes have aged her face though she no longer smokes? Does she smoke again? Is she still sober? I hope she's just as amazing then as she is now.

John

So I joked about cirrhosis earlier in the week, but I just got a call from my aunt saying her brother was dying. His lungs collapsed, and he's bleeding from the esophagus. It's been years that he's been sick - he has hepatitis C and is an alcoholic. He got the hep C from drug use. The don't think he'll make it through the weekend.

I've heard so many stories from people in AA who talk about looking at someone who has drunk themselves to death, and how petrifying it is. The people are all bloated, and just don't look the same. My aunt said she's bringing down his 2 boys in the morning, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. They're in their early 20's, but no one wants to remember their parents like that, sick and on a ventilator. I don't even know if John is conscious. I don't think he is.

What a thing to happen, and at Christmas. The moral of the story is: stop drinking like a fish. If you can drink A glass of wine every now and again (not every night or every hour), then go for it, but for those of us who can't, just stop it, damnit. You hurt yourself, but eventually you'll hurt everyone else.

Depression can make you smoke

Depression and smoking can go hand in hand. "24 percent of surveyed callers to the California Smokers' Helpline currently suffered from major depression and 17 percent of callers had mild depression." Those smokers that had depression were less likely to stay quit than their non-depressed counterparts.

I think that's what has happened to me in the past. I was smoke free for over a year once, and then something happened with my mom and my first reaction was to go buy a pack of cigarettes. Once you get over the smell and taste of the first one (which makes you gag) you can easily continue. I know how silly that sounds, but man is smoking one hard addiction to quit. I've had more moments where I want to smoke than I have where I want to drink.

The Abilify has been really helpful. I think it has kept me out of depression during this rough period, and really helped. I hope not to switch back into depression, but the longer I'm unemployed the more unhappy I seem to be getting. It's just a lot of rejection and a huge time suck. All I do is blog and apply for jobs. I'd like to be working! I would like to hang out in an office with people other than my dad, even though he's cool.

I hope, though, if I'm unemployed for a while longer I don't just pick back up the smoking. I'd like to stay quit this time. I like how I smell; I like how my mouth tastes; I like that I'm not gross.

You're so vain

This just makes me laugh:

"Seeing the effect smoking will have on their faces shocks women into giving up the habit."

We're so damn vain! But I do have to admit, it was one of my reasons, too. I see all those haggard looking women at meetings, some who are 50 and look 60, and think: that could be me one day. I, too, could have wrinkly, paper thin skin and look ashen. Ugh. So I laugh, but I know it's true. Vanity can help you quit smoking.

I wish they had pictures in this article.

Change is fantastic

2010 = Change.

It all began on my birthday, really, not in January. Of course, that was only 2 months later. It began with a trip. I decided that in honor of the 30th year of my birth, I would take the time to treat myself. I gathered my resources and flew off to Europe to spend 2 weeks gallivanting around Switzerland, Austria, and Paris. I rented an apartment in Paris for a week and got to know the city in a way only a local can do. I got lost, I found treats, and I made sure to do all the touristy things I'd never done before. I walked the hell out of Paris.

By May I'd decided that alcohol was no longer a good influence on my life, and it had to go. I took that final step, and instead of drunkenly complaining about alcohol, I soberly took a pledge to stop drinking, and to seek help. I found the local AA meetings, got a sponsor, and started to take the steps seriously. I worked through the first 4, and gained a little serenity.

And then September. Oh, September. I lost my job. Fired, laid off, it's all the same. Whatever it was, it left me with a sense of relief, and yet a sense of pain and confusion. What a blow to the ego to lose your source of income and identification! What's the first question people ask? What do you do. And now I have to say: nothing. I job hunt. But again, a relief.

September also brought a big cross-country move, precipitated by the fact that I couldn't pay my rent without a job. I became a boomerang kid, and moved back in with my dad. I joined another group of statistics. It hasn't been bad - in fact, he's easy to live with.

In November I decided to gather another vice and throw it off the Anne train. Smoking had to go. After 15 years of half a pack a day, it was time to quit. And so I let go. I smoked my last cigarette on the 21st of November, and I haven't looked back.

It's the middle of December, and I've had over 10 interviews for new jobs. Will 2010 bring about another move and a new job, or will that be 2011? Whatever happens, 2010 will still be the best year of my life.

Actionable steps

"Action: When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?"

2010 has been all about action: taking actions to make myself a better person. Quitting drinking, quitting smoking, unexpectedly getting the time to think about my next career move, reconnecting with old friends, traveling, moving cities, and all the while staying sane. It's been one hell of a year. Now, here I sit, unemployed, 30, and living in my dad's house. I'm part of the boomerang generation. But you know what? It's great! I've got a clean slate. I'm starting 2011 with everything in my past, and a blank slate for today.

So what's my next action?

I think the obvious thing is: get a job. Why? Well, I can't live here forever. I suppose I could, but I don't want to. I want to redesign my life, and I need a job to do that. I would like to find a career, though. I'm sick of being at jobs I hate. I'd like to find a real job, with real potential to be a long term gig.

Again, what's my next action?

I've networked my butt off lately, and applied for close to 200 jobs all across the coast. I'm looking all over, at businesses big and small, inside my current field and out. It seems a wide net, but I've been careful to only apply to those that sound like they would be interesting. I usually just apply to things that seem like I could do them, which is where I think I've been going wrong.

My next action: relax.

Does that seem counter-intuitive? I don't think it is. I've worked so hard to find work, that I think I need to let myself live it up a little. I've been using all my free time to job hunt, network, interview, or hone my skills. I think it's time to enjoy my unemployment a little. I was able to do that some while across the States, but it took the form of shopping, which we all know is a killer for an unemployed chicka. So how do I relax? I usually do it by travel, but again, the money isn't there.

So how do I relax? More apt, how do I relax without drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes? You tell me!

Thin brains

More on smoking: Smoking can thin the lining of the brain, which is already thinned by age. It can lead to cognitive problems and such, and they've found that the thinning takes place (for smokers) right in the part of the brain that deals with addictions.

"The orbitofrontal cortex has frequently been implicated in drug addiction. The current findings suggest that smoking-related cortical thinning may increase the risk for addictions, including smoking." All addictions? So if you have a thinner lining of your brain, are you more prone to addictions in general? I would love to know.

The next study they say they're going to do is look at whether quitting smoking repairs the lining. Now that would be nice.

Smoke a little smile off your face

Quitting smoking might make you happier. "Researchers tracked the symptoms of depression in people who were trying to quit and found that they were never happier than when they were being successful, for however long that was."

It's actually amazing, I haven't been depressed since I quit. Once the horrible snottiness wore off, I still didn't want a cigarette, and I still don't. It's been two weeks, and no signs of wanting to cut myself or anything like that. It's been relatively easy. I'm not sure why. Maybe quitting really does make you happy.....

Calcium

Researchers "...identify a molecular switch that leads to a sustained increase of calcium in nerve cells and plays a crucial role in the formation of memory and addictive behaviors."

Apparently when your brain makes memories or addictive behaviors it uses calcium. According to a lot of studies I've seen, we don't get enough calcium, and our body has trouble using what it does get. "Although the dynamic is not well understood, tobacco smoking also appears to interfere with bone mineralization."

Since I quit smoking I've been taking a multi-vitamin to get my body back to a healthy place. I'm obviously not getting enough water, since my lips are really chapped and my skin is dry, but I'm at least getting the right vitamins. I'm hoping my body will just keep getting healthier, though the weight gain of being home and not smoking is getting to me. It's only about 5 pounds I've gained, but it took me so long to lose it that I'm nervous about putting it back on.

9 days smoke free

Although I'm not using the lozenges (cause they taste like chalk), I'm still tracking my quitting on the Nicorette website. It tells you really cool things like in the past nine days I've saved $20 and 5 hours by not smoking. It also let me know I've missed out on an average of 81 cigarettes. 81! In 9 days? That's just gross. I can't believe I smoked that much. No wonder my body is rebelling.

According to a lot of sites, my blood pressure is sure to have gone down, my heart is back to beating normally, and my circulation is getting better. I can already tell that, besides the snot, it's easier to breathe. I can also smell more. Like tonight on the metro, I smelled a man who had been drinking. It was really gross and reconfirmed my decision to not drink. Who knew drinking made you smell bad, too?

The other night at my grandmother's house I couldn't breathe and she had some Nyquil. Now, I know a lot of people relapse on Nyquil, but I thought I would take a chance. It didn't make me run for the alcohol, and it helped me breathe enough to sleep. Apparently, they have alcohol free Nyquil, which until this smoking cleanse goes away, I think I'll invest in.

Purging

My therapist and I started talking about purging lately. Sometimes I get this incredible urge to projectile vomit on people while they're talking, and my therapist was saying how this is a purging urge, and asked what it is that I need to get out.

Feelings, I suppose. Purging is also defined as "To rid of sin, guilt, or defilement." It's all that old stuff that sits inside of you, the pain and fear from long ago, all the crappy stuff, and for me, the obsessive tendencies. I need to rid myself of all the "bad" emotions or "character defects." Luckily, I have lots of time to work on them.

So I'm going to detox. I think this advice for detoxing from cigarettes is applicable all around, so I'm going to try it. Water in, sweat out. There are also some things available on emotional cleanses, which I'm going to read a bit more into before I try anything.

Drip, drip, cough

So not smoking is gross. I have post-nasal drip which is making me hack up all sorts of gross stuff and sound like I'm sick. I know it's just my body detoxifying and cleaning the cilia in my nose, throat, and lungs. I like that the body can clean itself. After 15 years of smoking, I expect this will take a long time. I'm trying to drink water, but it's coming in the form of coffee, as it usually does.

But the drip is making quitting easy. I have no interest in smoking when I'm sick, because I know it just tastes gross and makes the mucus worse. It's nice to have evidence of this from over the years. I always quit when I'm sick, anyway, so it's been fine.

I had a dream about smoking last night, and I was worried when I got up that I actually did it. It's like those booze dreams. I suppose it means I really am an addict. Normal people don't dream about smoking, do they?

Lessons from the therapist

I got homework from the therapist: a)get your sleep back on schedule, b) make a vision list, c) pull away from the bad things in your life slowly, d) think about dating.

My sleep has been funky, as you can tell by the times on all the posts. I've been up into the wee hours of the morning just sitting here on the computer being prolific. Go me. So I've got to find another way to have time alone, rather than waiting to stay up all night just so it seems like I have my own apartment. Tonight I've got to go to bed early because we're getting up at 5 tomorrow and hitting the road to head up north. Traffic should be awesome.

A vision list is something you do that's kind of like a fourth step: what are my characteristics now, and then what do I want them to be. So if now I'm obsessive about stuff, and I want that to change, what does that look like? Also, the simple things like how do I want to dress in the future, and what will my career path look like? It's like making a five year plan, but looser.

I told her I quit smoking and she commended me, but also warned me about the difficulty of doing that while I'm trying to find a job and do a million other things. She thinks I can do it, but I need to change those habits slowly and realize that if I slip it's not the end of the world; I just need to get back on that horse.

Oh, dating. She talked about how I have the obvious capacity for intimacy, since I've shown it with Adam, and how a lot of people just aren't capable of that. She thinks I have the potential to find a really fulfilling relationship one day. She suggested I look into the possibility of dating, but not having sex. Just taking it one day at a time - maybe just going to dinner or a movie. I think it's a nice idea, because I don't really want to be in a relationship right now, but I do need the practice, and it's good to meet people. We'll see what the sponsor has to say.

I'm still really bad at wanting to listen to my sponsor. For starters, she's 26. What the hell did I know at 26? Nothing. I'm sure she knows a lot more about AA than I do, but when it comes to life, I think I've got a leg up on her. So it's hard for me to want to tell her things and then listen. I mean, if I think of her like a friend and she's giving suggestions, then that's cool, but it seems like in AA they expect you to do exactly what you're told. I think I'm going to be a rebel. I hope that doesn't hurt me in the end.