Scheduled panic

My schedule for the next 4 months is insane. School Tues, Thurs, Fri. Farmer's markets Thu, Sun. Field hockey all Sat. And then I have to fit a retail job in there somewhere on Mon and Weds. I'll have no time to myself, cause any down time will be spent studying. It's good, though. Keeping busy is a big plus. And working three jobs is ok, cause two are low key. But I'm still panicking.

But hey, guess what's cool? I don't want to drink! I have no urge to get loaded whatsoever. I am chain smoking, though, but I suppose that's normal for stress and a smoker. It supposedly relieves stress by altering the chemicals in your brain. Who knows.

Smoke tastes bad

Yeah, yeah. So I bought another pack of cigarettes. I already smoked one, and now I'm on to this second one. I know, I shouldn't have had that first one at the wedding, but I just really wanted one. It felt like the right thing to do, even though it was so wrong. And now I'm addicted again; sneaking out like a high schooler onto my back porch at night when my dad is asleep. I really need to move out.

I really need to quit smoking, again. I realize I am powerless over my addiction. It has me in it's grasp. I'm coughing and sneezing, and I know it's not allergies. It's my allergy to the cigarettes. I need to put them down and be serious this time. I made it 6 months! I can make it another 6. And another. One day at a time.

It's nice that AA has taught me so much about addiction and letting go. I can just say: for today, I won't smoke. But after I finish this pack....

Smoke a dope

Waiting, waiting. Traffic sucks, apparently.

I think smoking makes me more anxious. I'm almost done with this pack and then I can quit again. Really, I could just throw then away, but what a waste of nicotine. I have a problem.

I'm seeing Adam tonight to watch our show, and so I'm going to have to take a shower beforehand. I'm sure we'll be cuddling - we always do - and he hates the smell of smoke. He hates that I smoke, I think. It's a nasty habit. It smells. I'm not smoking anymore. Three more, that's it.

What to do

Damnit, it's 3:30 in the morning and I'm not going to get any sleep any time soon. And, I have cigarettes, but my insomniac dad is still up reading a book in the living room. No smoking for me. Damn.

I've been talking to Michael all night and the more I think about it the better it seems to go back to school. I mean, I love school. I love learning. I love reading. I love attending lectures. I really do. And I think the topic would hold my interest. Everything will just fall into place. I have to trust that.

Why's it so hard to just let go? Because I don't have the luxury my mom has of being taken care of. I would never just rely on my dad. I've been here 7 months and I feel awful about it. I want to pay rent, or something, but I'm too broke to bring it up. I feel like I have to move out after a year. Anything over a year is just pathetic. Ugh. Just thinking about that is making me sad. 7 months of living at home, basically doing nothing but traveling every now and again and hitting some meetings.

I got rid of my couch and moved everything into cheaper (free) storage at my moms apartment building. I think with the money I'm saving I can move out at the end of the summer. So I'll give myself till September. If I don't have a job by then, I'll get a room with some other folks. Let's go do the budget....

They taunt me

I have to admit: I smoked some cigarettes lately. It's been since November 21 that I quit, but on Saturday I had about 3, and Tuesday I had 4. Unfortunately, someone left their half empty pack with me, and I've been staring at them for an hour now. See, earlier today when I went to a meeting I stood outside and smoked with some folks. And now, I want another one.

Nicotine is a lot like cocaine. "A single 15-minute exposure to nicotine caused a long-term increase in the excitability of neurons involved in reward." You get it in your system and that's it. You want more. So I've been watching for my dad to go to sleep, or at least go in his room, and here it is almost 2am and the man is still reading his book. I can't escape, or even go out on the porch. He's blocking the way. Damn it.

I promised Jennifer I would not buy another pack once this one is gone. And I won't. No matter how much I miss smoking, I don't want to go back to it while I'm living at home. Ahh, you catch that? That was me giving myself permission to smoke again one day. Bad. I've got to watch that. "Smoking is bad," says Jennifer, who can't seem to quit either.

Monkey see

So apparently just watching someone smoke can trigger you. "The volunteers were unaware that the study was about smoking. When they viewed smoking scenes, smokers showed greater brain activity in a part of the parietal lobe called the intraparietal sulcus, as well as other areas involved in the perception and coordination of actions. In the smokers' brains specifically, the activity corresponded to the hand they use to smoke."

Your hand knows you smoke with it. It sees others doing what it wants to do, and it prepares itself for smoking. Your brain sets you up, and your body goes along with it. So what are you supposed to do? Not look at the smokers? Can you imagine walking down the street and averting your eyes. "DON'T LOOK!" you're screaming to yourself. How strange.

Though I'm sure the study is right, because I know watching people smoke in movies makes me think about cigarettes. It's inevitable. It's like trying to pretend no one drinks. You just have to get used to the fact that other people do this stuff, and learn to convince yourself out of it. Luckily, it doesn't take much to think of smoking as bad, but it sure is fun. Sigh.

Give me a cigarette

All I want lately is a cigarette. I'm stressed. I'm in chaos. I'm not in control of my life whatsoever. I want a cigarette. "mild depression already is known to reduce the success of quitting. This study suggests that major depression reduces the success rate even farther." See? Even my brain is conspiring against me!

But I won't have one. I haven't had the urge to buy a pack, yet, or even bum one. I just want one, you know? I want that drag, that exhale, that thing in my hand that kills time and reduces stress. Something, anything. Cigarettes were my go-to; my good friends. I could escape with them. They gave me a good reason to get out of the house.

I bummed that one from Diane a while ago, and all I did was cough after one drag. And I took care not to inhale very deep, either. So one little drag... can't even have that. And that's good. It's good to know that.

So I ordered a dress and a few shirts online. Not pants, cause I can't fit in any, but dresses usually fit. I have my workout clothes on, which doesn't cure the cigarette urge, but maybe I'll run today. Maybe.

Don't panic

Panic attacks have a huge list of fun symptoms, all of which I've felt today. I'm just super anxious. It can be caused by the meds, or by the depression, or just as part of my regular old anxiety disorder, but it's pretty big right now. I can't get over the anxious feeling.

I took a nice warm shower and that helped some, but I'm still shaking. I can't keep my hands still (which is making typing fun). That can be a side effect of the meds, too, or the anxiety.

I hate panic attacks. Just that feeling that you're shrinking and everything around you is so big and overwhelming. The feeling that you're a freak and everyone can see how much you're shaking and sweating. Your voice raises and you talk too fast, not making any sense at all. It burns just to be where people can see you, like a vampire in the noon-day sun.

Normally right now I would be chain-smoking. I would be sitting somewhere with a cup of coffee smoking cigarette after cigarette until the feeling went away. Instead, I'm here, sitting on my bed typing away. I want to take more Zyprexa and have it all go away, but I think I have to help my dad get my grandma from the airport. I don't know if I can face that. I don't know if I can handle being in the car. And then he'll want to go over to my cousin's house and hang out, which I just can't face doing. I can't face talking to people right now.

But how to make him understand? How do you explain to someone just how paralyzing anxiety can be? I suppose there's no way to make him understand. I'm just going to have to stand my ground and say no, I can't go out. He'll be disappointed, but he's going to have to get over it. I can't leave the house. I shouldn't have left the house in the first place.

I'm working myself up again. Time to medicate.

Sweet smell of nicotine

Cigarettes. I can smell them. I don't know if someone out on the loading dock is smoking (I'm at work) or if it's just in my nostrils because I'm an addict and my brain can pull tricks like that. I can smell them, though. I know they're out there. Actually, they're right behind me on the shelf. We don't sell my brand, but I don't think that would matter to me much right now. All I want is a cigarette.

But I told you last night I had a drag and it was awful, right? I couldn't eveinhale it. It just made me cough. But I loved the smell, the art of it. I wanted one.

Why do I want a cigarette so much? Cause I'm losing my mind. Cigarettes are my comfort, my security blanket. More than drinking, smoking is what I did to feel better. It kept me breathing at steady rates: in, and out. I have a tendency to hold my breath when I'm stressed, but smoking makes you breathe.

So what do I do? How do I get through this "hump" without substances? I suppose if I can make it now I can do it forever, but we'll see. What's nice is I don't want to drink. I made up my mind that being an embarrassment is bad, and I'm not going back there. But smoking just smells; it doesn't make you act like an idiot. Maybe I shouldn't have quit.

The temptations

I wanted a drink. I wanted a smoke. She had told me taking that path would lead to another drink, and I didn't want to go there, so I didn't even consider it for another minute. I took the easy slope, ignoring the direct path. Both were covered in sizable stones blocking parts of the path, both littered with roots rising from the dusty earth. Each path had its hazards, but one led straight to a drink, whereas the other would give me the time I needed to shore myself against that seemingly inevitable.

One foot in front of the other, I started to scope out this new way; to see what might lie in front of me; but the overhanging limbs blocked any clear line of view to what the future might bring. Pressing one light branch back, I made my way forward, walking past the bar and into the theatre, ordering a diet Coke. Inside, I sat and watched the man leave for a cigarette, putting one to his lips before he left his row. Only for an instant did I think to ask him for one, and the instant came only after he had gone - too late to act.

She ordered a bottle of wine. "Will this trigger you, my unhappy baby?" "I already want one," I mumbled back. "I won't judge," she whispered. Always the devil on my shoulder, I laughed inside. She had just given me a gift. Now, I knew I didn't want that at all. Just imagining the taste of cheap wine in a dirty theatre made me want to wretch. If I'm going down, I'm going down in flames with the most expensive bottle of wine on the list, and it had better be an expensive list.

I came back out into the night free of booze and cigarettes. "Why am I the only one in the family who embraces their alcoholism anymore?" she asked me, half jokingly. I just smiled, gave her a kiss on the cheek, and headed back home.

Ah, ye temptresses of the night

It's confession time! It's been hard this week working in the store because we have a really great wine selection, and the owner is really into wine. He offered me a bottle and I told him I didn't drink. "Ah," he said, "My wife doesn't drink either. She said she had enough of it before she met me." I told him that was my thing too: I'd just had enough of it. And I have. But making the signs for the different regions and wines, visiting winery websites, especially of places I've been to before or places like Argentina where I would love to go, makes it hard. Can't you just imagine sitting on a vine covered patio in the cool breeze of the midday sipping a honeysuckle chardonnay and munching on fresh berries? I've done it before, and man was it fun. But I'll never have that moment with wine again.

Well, I shouldn't say never. I'm making the decision not to drink for just today. That's all I can say. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? One day at a time, and all that jazz.

Another thing we have is cigarettes. My job is really dull, and standing there pretty much alone for 6 hours had me staring at the cigarettes thinking, "I could just step out the back door...." But I thought about the taste and how really gross it is. "But if you just get past the first one...," nothing. Nope. Gross.

It's been a month and a half since I quit smoking, 7 1/2 since I quit drinking, and I have no reason to want to go back to either. I think having to think about them and look at them for hours on end kinda sucks, but I'll have to get used to being around things that make me uncomfortable one of these days.

You know what the best thing to do would be? Go to a meeting.

Five year plan

Reverb tonight asks what I would say to myself if I could talk to me 5 years from now. What advice would I give? What would that 5 years wiser (and still young) woman say to this lost and confused one?

I can only imagine she'd say, "Don't worry, we're all lost and confused. Sure, you were, as they say, down on your luck for a while, but you know what? It was a really great period of growth for you. Don't you remember how great 2010 was? All the things you did? All the things you gave up? You should have been a little more proud of yourself instead of focusing your self-worth on the fact that you got fired from a job you hated, and by a crazy person. Really, Anne! Come on, now, give yourself a pat on the back for not drinking through that one."

Because she's me, she wouldn't ruin any of the surprises, either. "Where do you end up getting a job? Well, you'll just have to wait and see. You'll have to go through it to find out if you and Adam ever become anything but good friends. And marriage? Children? Honestly, 5 years from now? Maybe a stretch for you, love."

I really wonder what she'll look like. Will her hair be shorter? Will it be going grey or will she be coloring it? Will cigarettes have aged her face though she no longer smokes? Does she smoke again? Is she still sober? I hope she's just as amazing then as she is now.

But I want to take my meds....

I found a pretty funny site called "Stuff Unemployed People Like." He hasn't written in months, but some of them are really funny. Like that we all dream of that vacation we wanted to take, and we wear work clothes to sit around the house. I know I'm doing all of that.

Being unemployed, sober, cigarette-less, living at home, and without health insurance is all a crazy mixture for a bipolar chicka. Every one of those things can make you depressed, and the fun thing is, most of those things make you gain weight, too. My pants sure as hell don't fit. My biggest worry is being without health insurance.

When a bipolar person doesn't take their meds, well, there are lots of possible outcomes, but I usually get really manic for about 2 weeks and then crash really hard. I crash harder each time, and I'm sure this time I would be suicidal, what with all the other factors happening. I'm already feeling such loss and humiliation that I just can't stand it. I really don't want to go there. I want to keep on the meds, but it seems like no insurance company wants me to. $967 for 3 months of meds? Really? I can do it once, but not twice.

So what does a responsible girl do? I don't know. If I'm still unemployed by February I'm going to beg the pharmaceutical companies poor people plans to help me. If they can't do it, I'm going to work with my psychiatrist to try a new cocktail. I don't want to be unstable while trying to interview! Jesus. I need to not worry about this kind of stuff yet.

I just know it - I'll have a job by then.

Depression can make you smoke

Depression and smoking can go hand in hand. "24 percent of surveyed callers to the California Smokers' Helpline currently suffered from major depression and 17 percent of callers had mild depression." Those smokers that had depression were less likely to stay quit than their non-depressed counterparts.

I think that's what has happened to me in the past. I was smoke free for over a year once, and then something happened with my mom and my first reaction was to go buy a pack of cigarettes. Once you get over the smell and taste of the first one (which makes you gag) you can easily continue. I know how silly that sounds, but man is smoking one hard addiction to quit. I've had more moments where I want to smoke than I have where I want to drink.

The Abilify has been really helpful. I think it has kept me out of depression during this rough period, and really helped. I hope not to switch back into depression, but the longer I'm unemployed the more unhappy I seem to be getting. It's just a lot of rejection and a huge time suck. All I do is blog and apply for jobs. I'd like to be working! I would like to hang out in an office with people other than my dad, even though he's cool.

I hope, though, if I'm unemployed for a while longer I don't just pick back up the smoking. I'd like to stay quit this time. I like how I smell; I like how my mouth tastes; I like that I'm not gross.

You're so vain

This just makes me laugh:

"Seeing the effect smoking will have on their faces shocks women into giving up the habit."

We're so damn vain! But I do have to admit, it was one of my reasons, too. I see all those haggard looking women at meetings, some who are 50 and look 60, and think: that could be me one day. I, too, could have wrinkly, paper thin skin and look ashen. Ugh. So I laugh, but I know it's true. Vanity can help you quit smoking.

I wish they had pictures in this article.

Change is fantastic

2010 = Change.

It all began on my birthday, really, not in January. Of course, that was only 2 months later. It began with a trip. I decided that in honor of the 30th year of my birth, I would take the time to treat myself. I gathered my resources and flew off to Europe to spend 2 weeks gallivanting around Switzerland, Austria, and Paris. I rented an apartment in Paris for a week and got to know the city in a way only a local can do. I got lost, I found treats, and I made sure to do all the touristy things I'd never done before. I walked the hell out of Paris.

By May I'd decided that alcohol was no longer a good influence on my life, and it had to go. I took that final step, and instead of drunkenly complaining about alcohol, I soberly took a pledge to stop drinking, and to seek help. I found the local AA meetings, got a sponsor, and started to take the steps seriously. I worked through the first 4, and gained a little serenity.

And then September. Oh, September. I lost my job. Fired, laid off, it's all the same. Whatever it was, it left me with a sense of relief, and yet a sense of pain and confusion. What a blow to the ego to lose your source of income and identification! What's the first question people ask? What do you do. And now I have to say: nothing. I job hunt. But again, a relief.

September also brought a big cross-country move, precipitated by the fact that I couldn't pay my rent without a job. I became a boomerang kid, and moved back in with my dad. I joined another group of statistics. It hasn't been bad - in fact, he's easy to live with.

In November I decided to gather another vice and throw it off the Anne train. Smoking had to go. After 15 years of half a pack a day, it was time to quit. And so I let go. I smoked my last cigarette on the 21st of November, and I haven't looked back.

It's the middle of December, and I've had over 10 interviews for new jobs. Will 2010 bring about another move and a new job, or will that be 2011? Whatever happens, 2010 will still be the best year of my life.

Thin brains

More on smoking: Smoking can thin the lining of the brain, which is already thinned by age. It can lead to cognitive problems and such, and they've found that the thinning takes place (for smokers) right in the part of the brain that deals with addictions.

"The orbitofrontal cortex has frequently been implicated in drug addiction. The current findings suggest that smoking-related cortical thinning may increase the risk for addictions, including smoking." All addictions? So if you have a thinner lining of your brain, are you more prone to addictions in general? I would love to know.

The next study they say they're going to do is look at whether quitting smoking repairs the lining. Now that would be nice.

Smoke a little smile off your face

Quitting smoking might make you happier. "Researchers tracked the symptoms of depression in people who were trying to quit and found that they were never happier than when they were being successful, for however long that was."

It's actually amazing, I haven't been depressed since I quit. Once the horrible snottiness wore off, I still didn't want a cigarette, and I still don't. It's been two weeks, and no signs of wanting to cut myself or anything like that. It's been relatively easy. I'm not sure why. Maybe quitting really does make you happy.....

Calcium

Researchers "...identify a molecular switch that leads to a sustained increase of calcium in nerve cells and plays a crucial role in the formation of memory and addictive behaviors."

Apparently when your brain makes memories or addictive behaviors it uses calcium. According to a lot of studies I've seen, we don't get enough calcium, and our body has trouble using what it does get. "Although the dynamic is not well understood, tobacco smoking also appears to interfere with bone mineralization."

Since I quit smoking I've been taking a multi-vitamin to get my body back to a healthy place. I'm obviously not getting enough water, since my lips are really chapped and my skin is dry, but I'm at least getting the right vitamins. I'm hoping my body will just keep getting healthier, though the weight gain of being home and not smoking is getting to me. It's only about 5 pounds I've gained, but it took me so long to lose it that I'm nervous about putting it back on.

9 days smoke free

Although I'm not using the lozenges (cause they taste like chalk), I'm still tracking my quitting on the Nicorette website. It tells you really cool things like in the past nine days I've saved $20 and 5 hours by not smoking. It also let me know I've missed out on an average of 81 cigarettes. 81! In 9 days? That's just gross. I can't believe I smoked that much. No wonder my body is rebelling.

According to a lot of sites, my blood pressure is sure to have gone down, my heart is back to beating normally, and my circulation is getting better. I can already tell that, besides the snot, it's easier to breathe. I can also smell more. Like tonight on the metro, I smelled a man who had been drinking. It was really gross and reconfirmed my decision to not drink. Who knew drinking made you smell bad, too?

The other night at my grandmother's house I couldn't breathe and she had some Nyquil. Now, I know a lot of people relapse on Nyquil, but I thought I would take a chance. It didn't make me run for the alcohol, and it helped me breathe enough to sleep. Apparently, they have alcohol free Nyquil, which until this smoking cleanse goes away, I think I'll invest in.