FML

What in the hell did I sign myself up for? I'm going to be reading and writing for the next few years on theology. This is good, though, cause I was reading it for pleasure anyway. Might as well get graded on it... Right?

But man am I nervous. School is daunting. There's so much to do and so much to prepare for, but I'm not sure what to do next. I need to find housing, but I don't have to cause it's ok if I stay here; I just don't want to. I can't find housing till I get my loan refund, which will be in September.

I'm really nervous about starting work, too. I got a retail job, which is awesome because I get great discounts and it's nice and mindless, but the shock of making $50,000 a year to $9 an hour is amazing. It's kind of an ego blow as well as a pocket blow. I was looking at my resume and I built up from this, and now I'm back? What the hell? I feel almost defeated at the fact that I'm back in retail.

But here I am. A working girl again.

If it weren't for the internet...

Thank God for technology. I've never worked alone before, and definitely never where there weren't customers for hours at a time. I think I've had 5 people since 9am, and each transaction takes seconds, so that's a lot of time alone. Usually I'd be napping or roaming the internet, but I'm trying not to use this computer a lot.

There's a few big problems with this job besides the loneliness. 1) It's a grocery store and I'm bored, so what am I doing? Walking around looking for something to eat. 2) Working alone means you shouldn't drink too much. Unfortuntely I've had coffee, a Red Bull, and diet Coke, and now I have to pee. 3) I have no idea when Mesfin comes in. He's next on the schedule, and the boss man said, "I don't know, 2, sometimes 3?" Which is super helpful.

There's a womens meeting at 4pm at the club that I'd like to try out. I need to meet up with some women and get a support group going.

A new plan dawns

I was rereading some of my ramblings and something has become abundantly clear: I don't like working behind a desk, and I'm super bored doing what I'm doing. So then why am I looking for work in a boring field? If I'm not going to be mentally stimulated, then why even try to work again? Why not come up with something that will make me happy? I was pricing some items yesterday at work, just going through the motions and was peacefully listening to my music. I like retail. I'm fine with working hard physically. And as people came in I remembered that I like interacting. I like to do things with people.

My dad was wandering in earlier (nope, he's still not asleep. He's watching the weather channel and eating some soup I just made), and we started talking about what I would be good at. "Anne, everyone always tells you you're a great writer, and I think you would be great at teaching. Why don't you do that?" That, referring to the program of study that I would like to do but which would just be fun for me and not career related. Well, why the hell couldn't I make fun my career? Why couldn't I do something like that? Just because the only job you can get in that field is teacher doesn't mean I'm excluded from that field. Hell, both my parents were teachers at some point in their careers.

So I've made up my mind. I'm no longer going to apply for positions. If one of the things I applied to until now offers me a job I'll consider it (especially for the health care), but my plan is to start on the road to a PhD. That's right, Dr. Anne. I just laughed out loud as I typed it. It's something I've always wanted to do, I've just never thought I could pull it off. Well screw it, I can always try. I have 8 years of skills in something else that I can fall back on now, so I might as well try to do something I love.

My plan is to meet with the university (I am REALLY lucky in that a local university has just the program I am looking for) and talk to them about the process, the potential outcomes, and if they are really what I'm looking for. I'll assess the program, take my GRE again, and start applying places. I wouldn't start a program till fall, which gives me time to take out loans and start language programs. I would have to be fluent in two languages other than English, which is a bummer cause I'm totally not.

I have a friend who is doing school and living on loans. I think I'd take out enough to pay off my car and credit cards, and then move out once I start the program. I need to think through the money thing a little more, but that's the initial plan.