I am a rock, I am an island

Abandoned. Some synonyms are rejected and forsaken. Rejected. It all leads to the irrational fear of abandonment.

"It's a wonder you can even function. I mean, with parents like that, and I love my brother and your mom, don't get me wrong, but they aren't the most stable people. And they left you. To drop you off at school and leave you for three years at your most delicate time. No wonder you can't get close to anyone! No wonder you won't let anyone in."

It's funny when even your aunt thinks your parents sucked. They really tried. They did. They're both good people, but neither of them should have had children. They both would make, and do make, great aunts or uncles, but parents? Not so much. But I love them anyway.

She's right, about the fear of abandonment. It's why I can't let anyone close to me for more than a year. All my relationships last about a year and then I push away. Julie and I were talking about it on Tuesday, and she said, "That would include therapists, too, no?" And I think she's right. I haven't had a therapist for more than a year and a half. I suppose that's my timeline for closeness.

Do I have to let people in? "You know you can call me anytime. I'm going to be there for you. You have to let people in. No one can do it alone." No man is an island, I suppose. I ask for help sometimes, but I just don't trust that others will be there to do it. I am perfectly fine taking care of myself. I always have been. I even got through that last suicidal patch by myself. I don't need anyone else.

But I'm lonely.

Oh so lonely

Got this from Steph over at the Princess's Daily Life. Good blog, if you haven't seen it. I'm not identifying with the lonely feeling today. I'm a little too amped to feel lonely.

If it weren't for the internet...

Thank God for technology. I've never worked alone before, and definitely never where there weren't customers for hours at a time. I think I've had 5 people since 9am, and each transaction takes seconds, so that's a lot of time alone. Usually I'd be napping or roaming the internet, but I'm trying not to use this computer a lot.

There's a few big problems with this job besides the loneliness. 1) It's a grocery store and I'm bored, so what am I doing? Walking around looking for something to eat. 2) Working alone means you shouldn't drink too much. Unfortuntely I've had coffee, a Red Bull, and diet Coke, and now I have to pee. 3) I have no idea when Mesfin comes in. He's next on the schedule, and the boss man said, "I don't know, 2, sometimes 3?" Which is super helpful.

There's a womens meeting at 4pm at the club that I'd like to try out. I need to meet up with some women and get a support group going.

Today is another day

I made a lot of progress today on my list of things to do. I have a haircut and eyebrow appointment, I paid my bills, I had my interview, signed up for an event next month, and made an appointment with the doc for next week. So that's going to be week 3 of having no meds whatsoever. Good times! Hopefully I can hold it together till then. I'm sure I can.

I was riding the metro this morning and didn't have the urge to jump like I did the other day. The other day I was standing on the platform and just spacing out, listening to music. I wasn't thinking about anything, really. The train started pulling in to the station and as it came up to me I got this incredible urge to jump forward into it's path. Instead, a woman walked in front of me and startled me backwards. It's funny how people are literally put in your path at the right times.

Adam and I went to lunch and he asked how I'm feeling. "Numb," was all I could think. Today I don't feel down, or up, or normal. I don't feel today. He asked me to come stay the night and guess what I did? I said yes. Why? Cause I'm an idiot. And because I just need some comfort. I need to feel human. And less alone.

Poor Job

"The word "forsaken" refers to an experience of total abandonment that leaves individuals feeling alone in their time of greatest need. Recall Job in the Old Testament, crumpled over and covered with sores, pleading with a seemingly indifferent God."

And now I'm just being dramatic, but forsaken is a great word. When you're depressed you often feel forsaken. Sure, you have friends, but none of them are there for you or understand what you're going through. Of course, since you're depressed, you probably haven't reached out to them to let them know any of this, but still, they've forsaken you. The world has forsaken you. No one understands, no one is on your side. You're all alone in this. Right. Here we are, again, alone in a crowded building.

I reached out to Jennifer last night, and I let Diane reach me today, but I'm still having a case of the forsakens. I need a little more attention, I think. I need, need, need.

Can I tell you something? I thought about killing myself yesterday. Just for a little bit. I didn't have a plan or even try to think of one, I just thought about going away. Life is tough! It just seems to be getting tougher, and I seem to be getting more isolated even though I'm reaching out. I know a lot of it is situational: I have a lot to be depressed about, and I'm out of meds still. So I let myself sit with it for a minute and the feeling passed, as feelings do.

I'm still here today. I didn't cut, I didn't smoke, I didn't drink, and I'm not out somewhere trying to pick up a boy. All in all, it's a success.

Alone in a crowded room

I'm not sure what to do with myself. I had about 3 or 4 hours of sleep before Adam texted. He said he didn't like where we left it last night, and he hates having serious conversations late at night because nothing comes out right. He's probably right, there, but I believe in having conversations when they come up, not at predetermined times. You just end up not having them, then. Anyway, nothing was solved by text this morning. That was the end of the conversation - he feels bad and woke up thinking about it.


I'm not hungry. I've had coffee and diet Coke today and a cheese bite. I worked a little this morning and tried to just listen to music and space out, but I couldn't even focus on that. My mom also emailed yesterday saying she might move up north and wants to take the dog. I told her the dog was hers. He's already been there for months, and she really loves him. I think it's best for both of them. But it's still a loss for me.

I'm feeling really lonely right now. I don't have anything of my own, except some clothes and jewelry, my friends are all really far away, I lost my dog, and it's weird, but my dad being on vacation this week has made it worse. I just feel... alone. Not in like the, hey, I'm the only one in the apartment, alone, but alone like there's no one else in the building.

I'm jumping from up to down a lot. I need to just chill - just relax and stop thinking so much about everything.

Creeping depression

Here we go, folks! The depression has finally hit! Maybe this isn't a good time to quit smoking, but I'm going to do it anyway. It has to happen sometime, and there's always going to be stress in my life. I need to learn how to handle it better.

Ever since I upped my meds I haven't been feeling depressed. I think they really evened me out, and kept my chemistry normal. Now, it's depression, but depression for depression's sake. It's not chemical, it's situational.

So what can I do to change my situation? I can keep working on getting a job. I can job hunt daily. This is also a nice distraction from my life. I can run. I can go running tomorrow with the doglet, and make both of us feel better. I can focus on quitting smoking. I can focus on AA. I can just focus on making my self the best Anne that I can be.

But I don't really feel like doing any of that, even though I know I'll force myself to do it. I don't know who to talk to about this. My therapist is so happy all the time, and she wants me to do Ennegrams and meditation and shit. Fuck all that. I'm just depressed and I want some solution. I need something to change in my situation.

I'm listening to depressing music and it's sort of helping. I need to cry. I've felt like crying since sitting in the car with Adam. I just need to get it all out. I'm talking to Michael on email right now. He's good about this kind of stuff. He understands the crippling depression and the urge to kill yourself.

I don't feel like killing myself, but the thought does come up. What's nice is, I don't want to die. I have no interest in that. I'm too curious: I want to know how it's all going to turn out. But I do feel like shit. I do feel like I need some release. I need to go for a run. Or a cigarette.

Lonely sucks

I am so lonely. Moving back was a good decision, especially since I've been getting unemployment and it's pennies, but I'm so lonely. I suppose I was lonely before, just hanging out in my house with my dog, but I had drinking. And I had my Thursday night girls night and weekends with Michael. I had work and the people there. I went out to cookies and coffee all the time and chatted with folks.

I'm so lonely here. I have my dad, and Adam, and Andrea, but it's just not enough, almost. I keep calling my friends from where I moved and talking to them about everything going on. I miss them so much. They are the people I want in my someday wedding. I feel closer to them than anyone else. I love them, and they love me, and I'm lonely.

H.A.L.T. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. I don't feel like drinking, but I do feel like I need something. Some human contact that doesn't have strings attached. I need to just lie down with someone, even if it's just on the phone, and discuss how I'm feeling without getting the AA version. "It's just the committee; you're going through and emotional bottom; blah, blah, blah." I just need a little sympathy. Life is really kind of tough right now, and I don't need the platitudes. I don't need the fake solutions to everything. I don't need advice, I need comfort.

Urban areas make you crazy

Living in an urban situation brings out the schizophrenia in people.

"An association between urbanicity and nonaffective psychosis was explained by higher-level characteristics, primarily school-level social fragmentation." The authors "observed cross-level markers of ethnicity, social fragmentation and deprivation on risk of developing any psychotic disorder, all with qualitative patterns of interaction."

Living without the community support of a smaller town seems to exacerbate the problems associated with mental disorders. This makes sense, seeing as people who are more socially connected are more likely to get help earlier for their disorders because people are watching.

Urban living is lonely. I remember when I moved here, it took me 8 months to meet anyone, and over a year to make any actual friends. My cousin just moved to the NW and is lonely as hell. I grew up in a large city, but it still felt small because I knew everyone from school or family. I have a large family there, and so it's like living in a small town. I can't wait to get back to it.

Know who's pumping your heart

Today we talked about loneliness in the meeting. I was really lonely in the beginning. I missed my dear buddy alcohol. He was my best friend, and steady companion. And now? I'm not so lonely. I've learned how to reach out to the fellowship of AA, and to be more in contact with people who love me, instead of isolating.

There's a guy there dealing with massive depression, and he had a relapse. I really relate to the feeling that depression will take you under and the only recipe for coming out is a drink, but it's such a falsity. Depression and alcohol don't go well together. They make each other worse; you feel more depressed, and seem to get drunk faster, or just drink more. I hope he hangs in there and I see him again next week.

Another guy said he talks to his HP all the time, and he needs to remember who's pumping his heart. He needs to remember that there is an HP out there somewhere who's just waiting to make a miracle happen, but will do it in his time. You can ask for help, you can ask for things, but God will make it happen when it's supposed to happen. You're right where you're supposed to be. Be where your feet are.

Boredom kills

"Boredom is not a unified concept but may comprise several varieties, including the transient type that occurs while waiting in line and so-called existential boredom that accompanies a profound dissatisfaction with life."

I'm so bored with life. Not that I don't have anything to live for, I just have a "profound dissatisfaction." I don't like my job, and I'm not sure I even like the field I'm working in anymore. I like to create things - like publications, websites, events, and more - and I don't get a real chance to do that in my current position.

I also don't know what I'm interested in. My therapist and I have been going over what actually makes me excited, and all I can think of is the study of the human mind and how it works. I love studying religion and psychology, but you can't get a job in either of those without teaching, and I hate public speaking.

So I don't know what to do with myself. I've been applying for jobs in a new field, and I hope that will help me feel more challenged. I also enjoy new challenges in my personal life. I love to try new things, and to do things that make me scared. It's the dopamine impulsivity thing, me thinks. So I'm trying something new. I'm playing a sport that makes me nervous, and I'm trying to reach out to new people in the program, which also makes me nervous. Hopefully taking risks will bring me out of my boredom.

The power of a hug

Apparently loneliness can kill you, too.

"‘When someone is connected to a group and feels responsibility for other people, that sense of purpose and meaning translates to taking better care of themselves and taking fewer risks,’ she said."

So not only can AA save your life by helping you quit drinking, it can save your life by providing fellowship. One of the best parts of AA is the people. People in the rooms welcome you with open arms, and make you a part of their lives pretty quickly. The speaker this morning opened with, "Before I start, everyone turn to someone and give them a hug. A hug is what I was greeted with when I first came in, and it's what kept me coming back."

The power of a hug is incredible. It can comfort you in times of sadness or sickness, and it can be an expression of friendship and love. A hug can bring you closer to people and make them feel welcome in your presence. It's much better than a handshake.

I have to get better at hugs. I'm more likely to shake someone's hand, but AA seems to be a hugging group. I always forget to hug my sponsor goodbye, but she never lets me leave without one. I'm getting used to all the love, and to tell the truth, I kinda like it.

Today is resentment day

I just talked to my aunt, cause it's her birthday, and told her I joined AA. She was really supportive and proud of me. She said she's envious that I always can make good decisions for myself and actually follow through. I do have a lot of follow through. It's one of my good qualities. I actually do what I say I'm going to do.

She also asked me to call my cousin in Seattle. He just moved out there about 6 months ago, and doesn't know anyone yet. He works weird hours, and so is having a hard time connecting. I know what that's like. I didn't have any friends when I moved here until 8 months later when I met my boyfriend. He introduced me to a bunch of people, and I finally had someone to talk to.

We all connected over alcohol. I met him at beer olympics where I was a referee and he was the anchor; the one who finishes all the beer no one else can drink. We got super wasted and began throwing eggs at other people (eggs were part of one of the games). We moved in together shortly thereafter, cause we're both kind of impulsive and were lonely.

We drank together every day. We went out every night. It was about 2 years of nonstop drinking and hookah smoking. We never stopped. And he became a bit abusive. He used to tell me I was fat and crazy. He would punch stuff (never me) and drove his car into a stop sign while we were having a fight just to shut me up. It was kinda bad. We eventually broke up, but we still talk, and he's really gotten a lot better. He's been working on himself, and I like him much better now. He even admitted the other day what an asshole he was.

But what was my part in that? I became cold and distant, and I used to start fights a lot of the time. I owe him an apology as well. I'm not sure what else I can do to make it up to him, but that won't be till step nine, which is a long time from now. We'll see.

All alone in a big world

"Almost without exception, alcoholics are troubled by loneliness....There was always that mysterious boundary we could not surmount or understand." 12&12 Step 5

Ever feel lonely in a crowded room, surrounded by people you know and love? Sometimes it's really hard to get close to people - to open up. I know a lot of the time people accuse me of being too honest, but I never really share my inner self with a lot of people. There are only one or two people who really know me - really know me - inside and out.

And that's something I need to change. Step 5 is admitting to yourself, HP, and another person your character defects. I'm not there yet, but it's good to think that someone besides my therapist and you people will know my innermost thoughts about myself, and my true character defects.

Why hasn't he called?

Ok, so by now you have probably figured out that I'm in love with Adam. It's kind of a duh. We're best friends, we used to date, and I still think he's perfect for me. He's not perfect, by any meaning of the word, but he's perfect for me.

Since before he came out here, we've been talking nightly, whether by text, GChat, or real phone. We go through phases where we talk all the time, and where we talk maybe twice a week. And we've been talking everyday, sometimes a couple times a day, for almost a month now.

And I haven't heard from him today. That makes me sad. I know, he has his own life, and I should totally occupy myself with something other than the computer (I am reading a very funny Chelsea Handler book about one night stands), but for some reason tonight it's bugging me. I think he's trying to "disengage." See, he knows I love him. He knows I think we're soul mates, and I think I scare him sometimes. I am a little intense.

He's just getting over someone else, and he needs time to work through that. I get it. I don't want a relationship right now anyway, and he lives 3,000 miles away. But I was getting so used to sharing my night with him and having him make me laugh. I find him utterly hilarious, which I did even before I loved him, so I know it's not just that. I guess I just am a little worried that we're into that trend again where we only talk every now and again. I would really miss him. Above all, he really is my best friend, and he gives great advice, or just tells great stories.

I really liked having him here. If he lived here, I think we would have a blast all the time. I loved hanging out with him, and in the past when we hung out almost every day I never got sick of him. I even drove to another state (in the tri-state area) to sleep next to him whenever he wasn't in my state. I miss him.

Adam, don't run away. I know you're confused and in pain, but... But I don't know. Maybe he does have to deal with things on his own. Maybe he needs to grieve and then move on without me "helping." I may just complicate the deal, and I would never want to cause him harm. I just hope he knows I'll be here when he gets back.

So lonely without my old buddy

And, I'm still talking! Hooray! If you're awake too, congrats, you've found my very rambley brain this evening. Don't even bother reading everything I've written today, it's all crap. Well, no, it's kinda fun, but there's A LOT of it. And I'm not done yet.

So I was just talking about loneliness. Of course, there's a WikiHow for that. There's one for everything. It says, "Many times it isn't the partner or friend you are missing, but the activities and hobbies you shared."

A-ha moment! I miss booze!! That's why I'm lonely! I'm used to having my buddy old pal wine glass here with me while I surf the internet for random words that come to my mind. I'm used to bringing the bottle out of the kitchen and into the living room to accompany me from waking to oblivion. I'm used to stumbling into my bedroom and almost hitting my head on the cabinet in order to pass out in bed. Ah, booze, I sure do miss the hobbies we shared.

Let's reminisce: Booze, you and I used to go out into the backyard at 5 o'clock with a cigarette and watch the November sun setting. You and I used to sit around the campfire and watch the moths get zapped. We would finish our time together and then crush cans or collect corks. Together, we would walk the neighborhood watching other people watch TV at night. Booze, remember when you and I would sit on the beach? You in your flask and me in my fleece. We would stare at the city beyond and dream about stars. Oh, booze. We did so much together. What romantic times we had!

And yes, booze, together you and I got up the courage to talk to boys. We got up the courage to sing karaoke and to stay up all night discussing philosophy in slurring tones. We would stumble together into the next bar, or through the field looking for a place to pee. Booze, we would share moments alone and with others. You stole my heart from the very beginning.

And now, you're gone. You've left me for another. Well, technically, I left you. I broke your heart, and now I'm gone. I'm seeing someone else. His name is God, and he says I shouldn't see you any more. You're only trouble. Oh, booze. What about the good times we had? Why couldn't they all be like that? Why did we have to fight so? I'm sorry, but I have to let you go. I miss you, but I'm not coming back.

"Since U Been Gone"

"Since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time. I'm so moving on...."

Thanks Kelly Clarkson for that. It just randomly came up on my iPod between Airborne Toxic Event and Johhny Cash. Random.

I really do feel I can breathe better without alcohol. Not like my lung function is better (it's sure not. That quitting smoking thing didn't take), but I feel like my life is lighter. Like the burden of control has been lifted off of me. All I have to do is follow the simple twelve suggestions of AA and I can be free of the pressure to drink. I can open up my life to the suggestion that there is something out there greater than me, and He (she/it/doorknob) can have the power in my life.

They say more, too, shall be revealed. I look forward to it. Like I've said before, I need to move on. I need to take all this damage and baggage and leave it at the train station. I need to arrive in my new life with less than I came into it with. All of the demons that haunt me can be dealt with now that I'm sober enough to recognize them, and now that I can't shove them back down with self-medication. I have the power to look deep into myself and make changes for the better.

See? I can even get sobriety out of an I hate you pop song.

But tonight I feel heavy. Not like fat heavy, though since I quit drinking I haven't really exercised at all... and I had been so good about running off all those extra calories in booze. Now I should be running off all those extra calories in cookies.

Ok, feeling heavy. Maybe it's the loneliness. Maybe it's the not sleeping (this seems to be like a once a week occurrence now). Maybe it's just being able to feel these feelings that makes me sad. Sad. Huh. Am I sad? What am I sad about? Maybe it's fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of waking up and still being here, in my dark apartment, alone. Not like I don't like being alone, but I know who I want to wake up with, and that makes me lonely knowing I could be with someone and I'm not.

Maybe I need roommates again. Just the sound of other people, the knowing there is someone else in the house. Nah. The people upstairs annoy me enough.

Friday, Friday, what to do with you

On my way home from a meeting I passed by a bistro. In the window sat a man, book in hand, having a glass of red wine. Nostalgia hit me: that's what my Friday nights looked like. Me, a book, and a glass of wine.

I just recently came back from some time abroad, and spent the whole time drinking. I would have a bottle at home alone and then go out to dinner and have a few more glasses, or when I was in Austria it was beer. They have great wines in France, even in the liquor stores. Everything was tasty, but my loneliness followed. I sat in my apartment and made desperate phone calls to my parents just to get some human contact.

I do that a lot here in my apartment. I talk to my parents just to get some human contact on a Friday night. I used to drink while doing it, but I always felt uncomfortable reaching out to anyone but them. I knew they were up, and they loved hearing from me. No matter how I'll complain, my parents make good friends.

So now I'm sitting here in my house on a Friday night wondering what to do with myself. I feel like if I go out somewhere I'll be tempted to be that man in the window. I won't want to sit there with a diet Coke, I'll want that glass of wine. But I don't want to drink - I just miss that experience. I miss pretending to be a "grown up" and "looking cool."

What do sober people do on Friday nights after meetings are over and they have nothing left to do? Read, maybe. Call their sponsor. But I just saw her at the meeting and I know she's going home.

I feel like crying. I'm so damn lonely sometimes. I feel like there's no one, when I know there really are people out there. I know I could call someone, but I'm so afraid of reaching out. I worry that people are annoyed or have their own lives and don't need me. Like John said tonight, it's a pity party and I'm the host.