Red Bull gives you... what?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Red Bull gives you mania. I had a Red Bull this morning at the shop and I've been buzzing ever since. I've also had 3 diet Cokes and went to the gym for an hour. Surprisingly, all I want to do it lie down for a nap. It's seeming to have the opposite effect. I want to be amped, and I'm not really feeling that high. Then again....

They know energy drinks, especially Red Bull with it's taurine, can trigger mania.
"They contain, along with lots of stimulating caffeine, chemicals such as taurine and inositol which have been found at elevated levels in brains during mania and psychosis." Fascinating, right? Well if the doc takes away the Abilify maybe I'll just shoot for a Red Bull a day. That should keep me up.

God I love caffeine.

It's all Greek to me

"Akathisia, or acathisia, is a syndrome characterized by unpleasant sensations of 'inner' restlessness that manifests itself with an inability to sit still or remain motionless."

I told the doctor yesterday that I couldn't keep my legs still. "I'm moving my foot all the time." He said it was the Zyprexa, but I just looked it up and it's a side effect of the Abilify as well. So I'm twitchy. I can't keep my feet or legs still for a minute. I'm constantly swinging my foot or tapping my toes or stomping. It's weird, but kind of funny at the same time. It's like having a ton of nervous energy that I'm trying to get out.

I'm full, today, but I still want to eat. Why? Because I eat when I'm hyped up in order to calm myself down. But I'm trying to be better about eating so much, so what did I do? I had a Red Bull. I know, I know. I have a caffeine problem. I drink way too much of it, but give me a break. I've gotten rid of the rest of my bad habits. I don't even bite my nails anymore. Let me have my caffeine.

What does NAMI know about it?

Damn. Julie just sent me an email with some side effect stuff and told me I should really look into the effects of caffeine on lithium production in the body. I think she's trying to get me to stop drinking so much coffee. So, I headed over to NAMI to see what they think.

"Avoid excessive intake of caffeinated beverages, such as coffee, tea, cola or energy drinks, since these may decrease levels of lithium and decrease effectiveness of the medication."

Aw, seriously? Lithium really works against everything else, doesn't it? I wonder if it's the caffeine that's causing the panic attacks and the shakes? I suppose there's no way to tell. What I'll have to do is just start drinking more water and less diet Coke. They say not to change the sodium levels in your diet when taking lithium, because that can effect the dosage, but cutting out one or two diet Cokes will hopefully be for the best, she says as she reaches for the cold one at her feet.

Once an addict...

“Caffeine-induced psychosis, whether it be delirium, manic depression, schizophrenia, or merely an anxiety syndrome, in most cases will be hard to differentiate from organic or non-organic psychoses….

The treatment for caffeine-induced psychosis is to withhold further caffeine.” Duh.

If you're a conspiracy theorist, I think this site is awesome. "Thousands are in mental institutions today because of no greater matter than that of the use of caffeine." I mean, they're right, caffeine isn't so hot for crazy people. It exacerbates your symptoms by making you even more anxious, but I don't know if I believe that people get themselves hospitalized because of it. I know all the caffeine I drink has got to be bad for me, but screw it, I've got nothing left. I'm not going to limit myself and be one of those people who takes in no toxic substances (I would have to quit meds, too). I just want to enjoy my life, and coffee makes me happy. Sure, I could cut out soda, and I will someday. Not right now. Look what happens when I cut out all my crutches? I go crazy and have nothing to lean on.

Let's not demonize everything. I understand, everything in moderation, and I suck at moderation, but let me have my caffeine! I suppose no one but me is talking about taking it away. There's no one out there pressuring me to stop drinking coffee. No one is saying, "Anne, you've obviously got a problem with caffeine." There's no support group for coffee-heads. I'm just all up in my head about everything. Feeling crazy and need something to blame? Let's look at your caffeine intake.

Sometimes the internet isn't good for me.

If it weren't for the internet...

Thank God for technology. I've never worked alone before, and definitely never where there weren't customers for hours at a time. I think I've had 5 people since 9am, and each transaction takes seconds, so that's a lot of time alone. Usually I'd be napping or roaming the internet, but I'm trying not to use this computer a lot.

There's a few big problems with this job besides the loneliness. 1) It's a grocery store and I'm bored, so what am I doing? Walking around looking for something to eat. 2) Working alone means you shouldn't drink too much. Unfortuntely I've had coffee, a Red Bull, and diet Coke, and now I have to pee. 3) I have no idea when Mesfin comes in. He's next on the schedule, and the boss man said, "I don't know, 2, sometimes 3?" Which is super helpful.

There's a womens meeting at 4pm at the club that I'd like to try out. I need to meet up with some women and get a support group going.

Coffee loves me back

So what's my next addiction I need to handle? Caffeine. I consume about 5 cups of coffee and 3 sodas a day. I know, I know, it'll rot your stomach, etc, etc, but man do I love coffee. Decaf just tastes so gross. I know I could give up soda just fine, because I only really started drinking it when I quit booze. But coffee? Sigh. Why do I love it so?

"Caffeine blocks adenosine reception so you feel alert. It injects adrenaline into the system to give you a boost. And it manipulates dopamine production to make you feel good."

Dopamine! It's always dopamine, isn't it? We've discovered, or you have if you've been following my ramblings, that everything is about dopamine. It is effected by every substance, like coke, booze, nicotine, heroin, and now caffeine. Even mental illness effects your dopamine. So us addicts are really just addicted to dopamine and it's effects, not, perhaps, on specific substances.

Caffeine is just bad for you, too. It causes bone loss, but it's good for something: it reduces memory loss. I know this year isn't the time to give up anything more, especially something that makes me as happy as a cup of coffee. Maybe what I should do is just slow down on the caffeine. Maybe just 3 cups a day, or one cup and one soda.

I feel like I'm addicted to coffee. I have it once I get out of bed, and often drink it till night time. I probably am. I feel like I'm not awake till after the third or fourth cup. Sigh. I love you, dopamine.

Caffeinated energy drinks

"New research indicates that individuals who have a high frequency of energy drink consumption (52 or more times within a year) were at a statistically significant higher risk for alcohol dependence and episodes of heavy drinking."

It's interesting to look at the new bans on alcoholic energy drinks that are happening all over the U.S. Apparently caffeine masks the effects of alcohol poisoning and the general effects of alcohol. That's why you drink coffee to "sober up." It doesn't actually sober you up, but the caffeine masks how the alcohol makes you feel. A lot of college kids have been overdosing on alcohol by drinking these drinks. I suppose they just don't feel the same high, and then want more to make them feel more drunk.

My cousin up north just posted that he bought 2 cases of this stuff in anticipation of the ban. He's nuts to put that on Facebook, cause he's looking for a job, and his mom is his friend, but it makes me think this problem is more widespread. He's not even in college anymore. He's still really young, and I hope he'll just grow out of it. Alcoholism runs in that side of the family, too, and he's already got the anxiety disorder to go with it.

It's the liver again

Just like the way alcohol affects your liver, smoking does the same. When you smoke, it affects the enzymes in your liver. If you're taking medications like mine, which work through your liver, they can change the medications' effects.

"Some drugs are broken down by these enzymes. Therefore, smoking whilst taking these medications reduces the amount of drug in the blood. There are several drugs which fall into this group, however there are very few which would have the way they worked altered."

So when I quit smoking, perhaps my meds will work better, and I'll be able to go off of one of them. I might get depressed in the beginning, but I'm hoping that since my meds will work better, they will prevent that initial depression.

"Smoking destroys certain vitamins and creates the need for other specific nutrients."

The multi-vitamins I've started to take will work better, too after I quit. It will be nice to only have caffeine in my system as a chemical not needed in the body. One day I'll be able to give up diet Coke, but I'll never give up coffee. I love the way it tastes, and I enjoy it a lot. But diet Coke can go away. I didn't have a problem with it until I quit alcohol, and I think it's just replacing that habit.

Drinking and smoking

Huh.

"Did you know that…

* per person, smokers drink about twice as much alcohol as non-smokers?
* people who drink heavily are more likely to smoke heavily too?
* reducing drinking helps people quit smoking?
* quitting smoking helps with sobriety among alcoholics?
* relapse to drinking may cause smoking relapse?"

I suppose that makes a lot of sense. Although, I did start smoking more when I quit drinking. I just replaced the drink with a smoke. It's interesting that quitting smoking helps with sobriety.

Another thing they report is that you should cut your caffeine intake in half when you try to quit smoking. Apparently caffeine can trigger smoking urges just like drinking can, because it makes the nicotine metabolize faster.

I don't know if I can tackle the caffeine addiction along with the smoking. One at a time. It's been almost 6 months (!) since I quit drinking, so it's time to focus on another thing. Hopefully I can control the cutting urge by running instead.

Poor little fruit flies

Last night my mom told me glaucoma runs in her dad's side of the family, but she doesn't know what diseases run in her mom's side, since they all died young of cirrhosis of the liver. Well, at least I'll probably avoid the cirrhosis thing. Now more good news: avid coffee drinkers and smokers have a lower risk of Parkinson’s disease. Wahoo!

They have no idea why, and it's not the caffeine or the nicotine, but something else in these substances actually helps your dopamine live longer, which expands your life. Hooray! It's not like I was actually thinking about giving up coffee - lordy, that would be the day - but at least while I'm still smoking I can say it's doing one good thing for me.

I'm kind of sick of it. I smoke just because it's there, now, not cause I really want one. I don't know how to quit. It's just like alcohol! I just have to put them down. Jesus, if quitting booze had been this hard I couldn't have done it.

You fucked up your brain

Well here's some good news: Your brain is fucked up, but maybe it can repair itself.

The researchers also found that the day after the subjects had consumed alcohol, their brain metabolism had reverted to what it had been prior to the experiment. However, Armin warned that, 'The brain's ability to recover from the effect of alcohol decreases or is eliminated as the consumption of alcohol increases. The acute effects demonstrated in our study could possibly form the basis for the permanent brain damage that is known to occur in alcoholics.'"

And then again, maybe it can't.

You should see the pictures of messed up alcoholic brains. There are some crazy "dead spots" in there. Even the ones of people who drink too much caffeine and smoke too much are really messed up.

All of this could also explain why I learned nothing in college. Alcohol really messes with your memory.

I wonder what my brain looks like, and if it can repair itself one day. I mean, alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, and mental illness. It's gotta be a mess in there.

But there's hope! "Predictably cognitive functions and motor coordination improve, at least partially, within 3 or 4 weeks of abstinence; cerebral atrophy reverses after the first few months of sobriety." So stuff does come back, eventually, as long as you haven't really torn your brain to shreds. Memory takes the longest, it says, which is funny. The other day a friend of mine said, "I thought your memory was supposed to come back after you quit drinking, but yours is as bad as ever!" Have I told you that before? I always forget what I've already written about, so forgive me if I repeat myself. It should get better as my brain repairs itself, if I let it.

I really need to stop drinking so much diet Coke and coffee, and quit cigarettes. Maybe then I'll only have mental illness and not gigantic, permanent holes in my brain.

I have got to stop drinking so much caffeine

I feel a little weird, and I think it's a combo of the caffeine overdose that's happening in my system and the not drinking. Usually, I have my buddy alcohol to depress my nervous system and keep me low. Nice and low and depressed.

I've been super depressed for months now. Maybe even a year or two. Nothing big happened, just was feeling like I'm a shit and maybe I should do something about it. When I was a kid I was a cutter. I used to take a serrated edge knife to my wrists and press. It would make little holes, which I would then cover with Neosporin and move along my way. I used to sit up on the kitchen counter and do this. I remember it from my first memories: I was probably 8 when I started.

In high school I used to tear apart Coke cans with my fingers till my fingertips bled and I had scars. My teachers used to freak out, cause I did it in class, but no one ever suggested therapy or anything. I eventually quit doing it when I started doing drugs instead. I just moved one self-destructive behavior for another.

One night after a particularly hard night of drinking when I was 23, I cut again. That's a whole nother post. So the past year I've been thinking about it. What if I just accidentally cut myself shaving? What if I drop something and have to clean it up? Nothing concrete, just conjecture. But I hurt myself and others so badly last time that I was too scared to take action.

So now that I don't have that depression acting on me through booze, I don't feel like that anymore. I feel up, instead, which as a manic-depressive can be just as dangerous. I can't sleep. I'm writing so much, and still managing to read two books and three magazines, and GChat with Adam. Multi-tasking to the extreme.

My mom thinks it's the caffeine and not the illness. So let's all cut back on the caffeine for a bit and see what happens. Water here I come!