On a foggy night you can see forever.

Last night, in the fog by the beach, my sponsor and I met to go over steps one and two. We read aloud from the twelve and twelve, and discussed some of the phrases we both had underlined.

I asked, "What's the difference between self-care and selfishness?"

"That's kinda tricky," she said. "Self-care is more like when you do things just for yourself. Like your running. That's self-care. Maybe not talking to people who bring you down and don't offer anything good to your life. Being sober, that's definitely self-care. Just loving yourself and giving yourself space to be human. We're all human, you know. This program isn't about perfection. The cool thing is, we get to do something, and then keep trying. We get to listen to God's will, or our higher power, and try to make the best decisions. And we get to do it sober.

Selfishness is something else. It's putting your needs above the needs of other people. Just thinking about yourself and making decisions based only on what you want. If you have to make amends, it's not self-care, it's selfishness."

I love this. Self-care is loving the self, but taking care to take into account other people's feelings and needs. To listen to HP, however you see it, and acting on what you feel is right from listening.

And that's another thing we talked about: action. Turning your will and your life over to God is no excuse for inaction. You still have to make a move. You can't just sit there and say, "Ok, God. Do it already." You have to make the best decisions you can and move forward. If you don't make a move or a decision, you're deciding to do nothing, and that's definitely not His will. My God is a loving God, and he wants us to be happy. Take that happiness and run with it.

God's Plan

"We realized that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned."

Offer it up, my parents say all the time. When I was a kid this annoyed the hell out of me. "But I'm in control! How can I let God have it?" I could never understand why you have to let go in order to have things turn out right.

So I held on to control. I tried to control my mom and all the situations there. I tried to hold on to every situation and turn it to my will. I asked God for things, instead of asking what he wanted from and of me.

Through AA readings, I've seen that the original advice of my parents still holds. I have to let go and let God. I have to look at situations and ask Him what he wants me to do. I have to let things happen as they may, and hope that they turn out the way I would like. And if they do, I can thank God for that. If they don't, maybe it's not the right time or place.

Right now, I'm still wishing and hoping for things, but I'm also hoping that soon I'll be able to offer it up to God when something is coming, or when something happens in my life. Wish me luck.

Chchchch changes

It's amazing to see people change. Well, not necessarily witness it first hand, but to see that someone can become something even when they're down at their lowest.

I met some great people tonight that had been robbers and stealers and such. These people who took advantage of others in the worst way. These people you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley. People you should be scared of.

And now, these people give freely of themselves. They come and share and run meetings. They give their stories to other people to try and help them live better lives. They live honest lives. One young man talked about how good it feels to make an honest living; working nine to five.

Amazingly, people can change. AA has shown me that everyone who puts their minds to it can change. With the help of my higher power, so can I.

Love is in the air

I love love. This totally has nothing to do with sobriety.

My good friend at work is totally in love. She just recently reconnected with her high school boyfriend, and they are totally still in love with each other. They take little lunch breaks together, and talk on the phone all the time. They email little love notes. (I still wish people wrote letters to each other. How romantic to receive something in the mail.) She's just giddy with love.

My other co-worker is also in love. She's been living with her boyfriend for some time, and they're still all lovey dovey. It's beautiful.

I love love.

Gratitude

A friend of mine suggested to make a list of what I'm grateful for. I have a list similar to that that my therapist made me make up. I think it's nice to have everything in one place, so here goes:

Sobriety
Trees
Rain storms
Running
Rolling hills
Sunshine
Fireflies
My dad
My friends
Feelings: Being able to feel them now, even though they suck
Free will

I'm not sure what else to go with? There's a lot I'm grateful for. Especially out in the world, and here in my heart.

Telling a story

I've finally told all of my close circle of friends that I've joined AA. I got great reactions all around - really supportive.

My closest friend whined a little about not having someone to drink with, but she was proud that I'd done something I felt I needed to do. So last night, sitting with my friend Angela, I had a nice glass of Snapple in a wine glass. It was like drinking Rose with aspartame. Not so bad! It gave me the feeling of participating, and I think it made her more comfortable, too.

This morning, I met with my last friend and she was incredible. The moment I told her she said yes, she agreed. She realized the state of me and the power of the program to help a person in my condition. She gave me a sense that it's really true, I really needed help, and that felt good.

No one tried to talk me out of it, which is nice.

I have 24 days now. It feels really good. I chose this and I'm determined to keep going. I am happy to be here. Really.

Meeting with the sponsor

I just stuffed myself full of Mexican food and laughter. My sponsor took me out to dinner after a meeting and asked me to tell my story. "Well," I started, "I started drinking when I was about twelve, drinking my parent's booze and refilling it with water." "Like any good alcoholic," she said. I don't know why I started doing it, it just seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

From there I moved on to drugs. I started drinking, taking my prescription meds, and taking as much LSD as I could get my little paws on. In between, I smoked a lot of pot, too. I would keep a bottle of bourbon in my drawer at school and fill up my Pepsi for study hall. I always thought I was being a good girl and taking my meds all the time (well, most of the time), but I was adding so much other stuff on top that no wonder they never seemed to work. I overdosed at age 18, two weeks before graduation, and got kicked out of boarding school. I went on to be the proud owner of a GED. Hooray.

Amazingly, I stopped taking drugs (well, mostly) after that. I just moved on to sneaking the booze out of my dad's cabinet, or meeting people who could get me beer. Once I was 19, I moved out and went to live with an alcoholic boyfriend and went out every night to get drunk after work. One night I ended up sleeping in the bushes. Another, I had to yell for the cab driver to stop so I could vomit. Another time, I woke up in a ditch next to my cousin's car with people calling all over the place for me. Apparently I'd been gone a while.

By age 21 I'd found my bar. A nice little karaoke bar not far from my house, where I lived with the dj at the bar. The bartender was my best friend (really) and my boyfriend was another alcoholic regular. Every night, rain, shine, snow, school, I was down there drinking shots and beers and smoking like a chimney. The only thing to do in a smokey bar is to smoke, otherwise it just gets too much.

And I continued in that manner until I was 26. Suddenly, I had the chance to move to California (the rest of my life was in the shitter, so why not take my problems somewhere else?). This time, I moved on to wine. In California they have good wine. Napa, Sonoma, Santa Barbara, all great places for perfect wines. So I drank them. And since I didn't have the metro anymore, I drove myself from winery to winery, or from parties to home. I started off with a glass a night, until I moved in with another alcoholic (see a pattern emerging?). Then I drank to keep up, until I surpassed him and he had to drink more to keep up with me. I lost my job and spent every day of those four months drinking from sunrise to sunset. Sure, I sent in resumes too, and eventually got a job, but I was a drunk and 40 pounds heavier.

I joined Weight Watchers and limited my wine again. I would have a glass a week, or maybe two, but I kept within my allotted calories. Then, I would plan out my day so I had more calories to use on booze. I stopped eating so much, and lost those 40 pounds. When I began just trying to maintain my weight, I went back to one and two bottle nights twice a week.

By the end, I was drinking something every night, having "4 Bottle Fridays" with a friend, half bottle Thursdays with the girls, and weekends of debauchery. I ended up blackout drunk most nights, and hungover every morning.

And then it hit me: this is no way to live. I don't have to go on like this.

And so I stopped.