Only the lonely

I think I'm getting insomnia again. It was fine for a month, but I think I'm used to all the workouts now, and am back to my old sleeping schedule. It does help you think about a lot of stuff.

I've got a handful of really good friends - People I would do anything for, and who would do the same for me. But they're all so different. Emily, Adam, Michael, Amanda, Jennifer, Andrea. They all offer something different. Some piece of my heart that needs to be filled is filled by each one of them in varying ways.

But I think I'm ready for love. It's been a few years since Michael and I broke up, and I haven't been in a relationship since. I've been pining over Adam, but that's just silly and fruitless. I think it's time to find love again, somewhere outside of the people I know.

So where do you meet people? I have no idea. I tried Meetup.com, but being an alcoholic, it's hard to avoid alcoholic events. Do I meet people in AA? That just seems like a recipe for disaster. Plus, I'm never in the same place long enough. Maybe I just need to get laid.

I'm alive!

Just got back from a week-long trip back to where I used to live. Ran 17 miles of the marathon before I couldn't possibly run any further, and got more of my tattoo done. It feels nice to have seen mostly everyone and to get some work done. I felt back in my element. Andrea even let me drive her car (I used to always be the driver when we all went out).

I'm sad to be back in my cave, but I'm off to visit Jennifer in the flyover states next Wednesday. Just one week I have to keep myself occupied. I think it should be fine - I signed up to volunteer at a local event Thursday and Friday and I'm dog sitting for my cousins Friday till Wednesday. Should give me something to do, and I get to stay at their house instead of here. Not that here is bad, I'm just over it.

More later. Now I need to clean the travel grime off me. Coast to coast is a long trip!

Tell me about it

It's funny how depression can make you feel so alone, so isolated in your own head. I see people every day. I work in a store where new people come in, and old faces stop by to say hi to the big boss. That's people around all the time.

And I live with another human being. Last night my dad and I watched the snow fall on the tennis courts outside and cars struggling to get up the hill. "The snow is so pretty, but look how heavy it is!" he said, and probably not with the exclamation mark I gave him. It was weighing down the power lines across the street, and the power was flickering. We sat and watched tv, eating popcorn, only interrupting occasionally to remark on the state of the weather.

I get emails from 3 people daily that I can count on (they send me funny articles), and I usually get a text from my mom or Adam.

Then how can I feel so alone? Why haven't I told any of them how I feel? Adam knows, but that's because he read the blog last week. Why can't I pick up a phone and reach out to the people who love me? I know they love me...right?

That's just part of depression: the isolation, the thoughts that no one will understand or you'll just be a burden on them. It's part of the illness. It's just your illness secluding you more so it can attack. So you have to reach out. You have to get up, no matter how much energy it takes, and go to work. You have to call someone, anyone, and tell them how you're REALLY feeling.

Will I take my own advice? I don't know. Every time I get close to calling for help I hang up the phone or delete the email. I suppose I tested some people out last night by asking for mania or depression stories. Tanya knew something was up, and talked to me a little bit about some of the manic fun we used to have in college. We used to disappear all the time, or go to the bar and cause trouble. "Let's go out and sing karaoke soon. We'll just get loud and obnoxious, again."

But I didn't have it in me to say: I'm suicidal and I need your help. I don't know what I would be asking for. When you call the 800 numbers they get you help, but I already have an appointment for help. I already have a therapist. What good would come from telling anyone any of this? I just need to hang on. Few more hours....

It's in the soil

"The growing season has been long and unproductive. Perhaps it's the soil that lacks nutrition?" -Julie, on Adam.

She's a smart cookie. But I said I wouldn't talk about that anymore. He and I are just friends, and so I'm going to take that boundary to heart. I've successfully become just friends with many of my exes and had none of this lingering love crap. So I know I can do it. It's just a matter of setting those boundaries and sticking to them.

I feel good about this. I feel like it's a huge weight to know that he really just wants to be friends, and I really just want to be friends. When we were talking I said, "I'm not asking anything from you. I love you, but I don't want a relationship with you." And it made me really think. What's the point, then? Do I just love him as a friend and not know how to identify that? Am I just used to loving people less? Or in a different way? I don't know. But to realize that you don't want anything to come from it is something. What do I want?

I just want that friendship, too. I think part of me just wants the physical relationship because I need that kind of touch right now, and he's the best candidate. Maybe it's not about him at all? Ok, on to a different topic.

It's the end of the world as we know it

Well, pat me on the back and call me congratulatory. I managed to take my angsty, crying mess of a self out of the house and out with my cousin Diane and her son. We went to a cinema and saw Megamind, which is super cute and adult-funny, but kid-funny, too. The 3 year old had as much fun as we did, eating nachos and candy and annoying the hell out of the woman in front of us.

When I got there, I was a mess. Adam had just called and we'd talked, again, about being friends. Neither of us, apparently, knows how to just be friends. He thinks I'm reading into his body language and doesn't know what to do with my profession of love. Sigh. I called him selfish. Ever since he's taken on self-help as a full time job all he does is talk about how things are fair or unfair to him; how his growing up affects him; etc. Which is great. It's good to dig deep and realize why you do the things you do and change the things that don't work. But oftentimes what comes out of his mouth just sounds self-centered. Which, again, I suppose is just fine. It doesn't affect me, except to make my eyes roll.

I told him I didn't want anything from him. I asked what he wanted from me. "Friendship. I want to give love and receive love." Awesome. Now we know our boundaries. Now we can reinforce them. I told him the physical stuff was too much for me, and he got a little defensive about "arbitrary lines you're drawing." I'm pretty sure there's a standard of appropriate and inappropriate. I'll just tell him to pretend I'm his sister Jane and act accordingly.

So I didn't do it right, and yeah, I ended up a mess after he had to hang up because he had an appointment, and yeah, I tried to cancel my date, but I went anyway and had a good time. And I've had a little time to think. I don't want anything from him. I don't want a relationship with him. I do just want to be friends; the love I have for him can be directed that way. The more I set and stick to boundaries the better off I'll be, and the better able I'll be to just tend the friendship.

I'm sick of talking about this, as I'm sure you're sick of reading about it. So I'll stop. Next post: something fascinating from the world of science!

Holy crap its almost Sunday

This is what happens when you have friends in town: you totally lose track of what day it is, get fat, and forget to blog. I'm alive! I am, really. And fat. I've been to more restaurants this week than I have in the past 3 months. And really good restaurants, too. No McDonalds for this foodie; only the best. And I'm stuffed.

I've also been to a lot of bars. My friends make fun of me for getting a diet Coke every time, and encouraged me to branch out. So tonight I got coffee and a root beer. Look at me! Sober girl, testing out new drinks. I also almost gave some guy my number but hesitated too much and he walked away. I should be quicker on the draw. But it proved something to me: I can be spontaneous and silly on just caffeine (I have had a LOT of caffeine, but still). I don't have to be drunk to be the fun girl. I am still me without booze. The magic ingredient is getting out of the house and hanging out with friends.

Now, to find friends....

Match?

My therapist thinks it's about time for me to stop pining, and start dating. Apparently it's unhealthy to think about your ex so much and "wait" for him to make a move. Sure, he kissed me, and we sleep in the same bed sometimes, but he's also the one who tells me not to overthink it, wonders why we have to talk about it, tells me he's dating. So whatever. I need to get over it and move on, right? He's had almost 5 months to say something besides "I don't know how I feel about you."

She suggested I do something like Match.com. Even if I don't meet "the one," maybe I can make some new friends from it. I did eHarmony last year on a bet from my aunt, and met a new friend (and some creeps). It was a fascinating experiment, but maybe if I took it seriously I could get something out of it. Only problem is, you have to sign up and pay for that stuff.

Other options? Well, there's always Meetup. I can join groups who do stuff, which would get me out of the house and meeting people. I need to make friends too, she says. That's one of her goals for me for the new year: make more friends. She's a smart cookie, that one.

Love is for keeps

"How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?"

It was a gradual change, and it took me a bit to notice, but it was all there: love and understanding. It wasn't one friend, but all of them. They showed me caring and compassion I've never known, or perhaps just never noticed.

As you all know by now, I quit drinking on May 27, 2010. I was wasted the night before, and realized I was wasting my life. I was filling that sad hole inside with booze and drugs, and I was miserable. I didn't want to end up 40 and that drunken embarrassment. And so I quit. I made up my mind, and I did it.

I got a sponsor and let myself follow all the traditions of AA. And I made friends, I loved it. I moved here 4 months later and got a new sponsor. "You hang out with people who drink?" she wondered. "Our friends when we were drinking hung out because we were fun; because we drank." Really? But I was pretty sure my friends loved me.

But as the months passed I noticed something. My relationships all changed. Something happened. Each day they counted on me a little bit more. I wasn't the one who would come over just to drink, and so they invited me over more. We had dinner and sat around drinking coffee. At parties it was always, "Is it ok if I have a drink? I don't have to if it makes you want one." They were so considerate of my new found sobriety.

As the months passed they relied on me more. They called me in the middle of the night to talk about their problems; they trusted me to be there for them and not to be drunkenly complaining about my life, or whatever I did blacked out on the phone. And so it all changed. Gradually, but my friends made my life better, and I contributed to theirs in a healthier way. My whole perspective on friendship changed when I got sober: I knew I had love in my life. I knew it was for keeps.

Networking in a bar

The Big Book says not to go to drinking establishments unless you have a good reason to be there. This week, I'm going back to one of my old haunts. It's the basement dive bar in the city where I used to go after work 6 years ago. We would walk in, and the bartender knew immediately what we all drank. He wouldn't even ask, he would just bring it over.

So I'm going back. Why am I going? Well, everyone who is going is someone I know, or someone who works in my field. My mentor asked me to go to network with some people he's bringing. It will be good to see everyone, too. I like all these folks, and I don't have to drink. Isn't that cool? I don't have to drink. But here's another opportunity to lie to my sponsor, or just leave out the where we're meeting. I could always say a restaurant, because it is, technically.

Will I be ok back in my old haunt? I think so. Just the smell of alcohol kinda makes me ill. I hate talking to people who've been drinking. The smell on their breath is gross. I remember a time when Adam said drinking turned him off, and I get what he's talking about now.

Drop the rocks

We carry around so much baggage with us, and surround ourselves with issues that push people away. I heard someone talk tonight about how she never wanted to be with people; how it made her so nervous that she would rather be alone and drink. But then through AA she discovered the truth: you have to drop the rocks.

I've got to let a lot of stuff go. I keep hiding behind lies and mistruths. I keep lying to my sponsor about going to meetings. She asks, "Have you been to a meeting?" And I always say yes, or I'm going to go, even when I have no intention at all of going. Adam thinks I hate AA around here and wish I could go back to the old AA I knew. He's kind of right, but kind of wrong. I don't HATE AA here, I just don't like it as much.

Everything is different, which is fine, since I like different, but it's more intense. Everything in this town is more intense. People just live like that here, so I need to get back into that level of grind. I'm just not there yet. I'm not all "gung-ho" AA lady.

Sure, I've thought of going rogue; going on to just be sober on my own and not have to have a sponsor. But when I think about it, that's the road to a drink. I like AA. I like the steps, I like going to meetings, I like the literature. I suppose I just haven't found my niche yet. I've met some good people, but no one I think will be my friend.

That's another thing. It's nice to meet people, but I just am weary. I don't want to have friends based on just the fact that we're both sober. I don't want to sit around with someone and talk about sobriety all the time, which is what everyone seems to do. It's getting on my nerves.

They tell you to change everything, and a lot of times I hear people say your past friendships are all built on alcohol. Well, I think that's b.s., or at least it is for me. My friendships have lasted these 5 months of sobriety, and actually grown stronger because I'm able to think about them and not just myself. I want to, and will keep these friendships. I don't like when my sponsor gets all weird when I talk about hanging out with friends she doesn't know.

Maybe it's my sponsor who I don't like. She's nice, and we've moved me back to step 4, which is where I was before I left, but she is gung-ho AA. She got sober when she was 20, so this is all she's ever known. This is where her life is. AA is not my life. It will never be my life. It will be a part of my life, and an important part, but not the center of my living.

I know Adam will hate that. He thinks AA should come first before everything. If it works for him, that's great, but I really think people are more important than theory. It's like I wouldn't put my religion first. I believe in God, and I believe in AA, but they are things, not people. I'm not going to let someone get in between me and sobriety, no, which may be his take, but I'm also not going to let AA take over my life.

I'm rambling.

Building a social network

My therapist thinks it's important for me to start building a social network. She's right, you know. I only really have Adam, as my other close friend is really busy raising a child. I have some AA people, but I don't hang out with them, I just go to meetings. I suppose I should make more friends in AA and have them actually be "friends."

It's hard, though, because I don't know where I'll be living. I'm not sure yet, so it puts me in limbo with a lot of things. I don't know where to register my car, or start going to regular meetings, or make friends.

Sometimes it's nice to make friends at work, so that will be a pool I can mine. I do think AA will be helpful. It's hard now, because I don't want to rely on Adam too much. He's got his own life, and I don't want to be needy or anything. But I do enjoy talking with him. He's a smart and funny cat.

Well, this is it

My house is all in the truck, just barely. I should have gotten a bigger truck! It's going to be hell getting it all out again. Michael is really strong, and I don't know who's helping me on the other side besides Daniel and Adam. I think they can manage the furniture between the two of them, but it would be nice to have more people.

I can't believe I'm leaving. It just hit me, and I'm starting to freak out a little bit. My life is so going to change. I'm going to miss all my friends so much.

Everything is topsy turvy. I have a giant tattoo of Alice through the looking glass on my back, because her story is so like mine. They just got closer.

Friends make the world go round

Can I just have a little flip out for a minute? OH MY GOD I'M NOT READY! I mean, I'm ready to be home, but I'm not ready to leave these people behind. They're so important to me! They have made my life so much better! They have added an incredible value to everything I do, and they've loved me through thick and thin. They've been there to cheer me on when I do something, even when I do weird things, which I do. They've been my friends, lovers, co-workers, everything. These people I'm closest to are all banding together to help me move far away from them. Virginia is even making me my favorite cupcakes, as long as I promise to buy her KFC (It's next door. Sometimes the smell is enticing, sometimes repulsive.).

Michael. Michael was my first friend here. We've definitely had our ups and downs, but all in all, he's been a good friend. He lets me use his mom as a dog sitter, and he fixes my computer when I mess it up. He makes me go for runs even when I don't want to, even though I introduced him to running. He takes me out for Pho when I'm sick, and gets movies for me. Michael is a pain in my ass, but I'll miss him.

And Virginia. She's one of my absolute closest friends ever. She and Angela and I are like three peas in a pod. We're a gaggle of crazy geese. Virginia loves the world in a bright manner. She can be stressed, but underneath it all she always seems like she's doing just the very best she can. She tells me crazy stories and cracks me up. She's a hard worker, and an even better friend. And Virginia makes dessert all the time.

Angela and I are so different, but we have so much in common. She is one emotional lady, but that's what I love about her. She feels everything, and let's it out. She's not hiding anything. And her boyfriend is the best cook. He acts like he doesn't care, but he's the most protective father figure I've ever had. I think he might be the most upset one of all.

These are my people. These are the loves of my past 5 years. And I'll miss each one differently. And immensely.

It's Friday night and I'm no longer alone

So I have this tv show I watch with my girls every Friday night. It's been off for the summer, but it starts again next week. We got together tonight to watch the last of last season just to catch up. They made my favorite dinner, and we sat around and chatted about everyone's summer and my leaving.

Man, I'm going to miss those girls. They were hard to find, but I'm so grateful to have every one of them in my life. They are all such different people, but all so giving and loving. Not a bad bone in any of them.

It's good to have good people on your side. They are all sad, but that's understandable. I'm a big part of their lives, as they are and always will be of mine. We communicate via email a lot since I stopped working where they work (my previous, previous job), so it won't be too much of a shock not to see them everyday. But Fridays. Fridays were our nights to get together and review the week. To share secrets, and dreams, and hopes. To build our little community and spread love amongst us. I need that. I need the love of good women in my life. I'm going to do everything I can to keep in touch regularly, and keep them a part of my every day.

Don't run, walk

A friend of mine's last day at my Sunday meeting was today. She's moving to NYC to be closer to her support system. See, she's living in insanity. There's a lot of things in her life that are unbearable, and she needs the love and support that AA can't give her alone. She cried as she said goodbye, and thanked everyone for the love and support given her. She also admitted something: she's running away.

Am I trying to run away from here in order to go home? I know I'd like a fresh start, but I do like it here. I don't have any problems I'd be running from. I have great friends and an ok job. I have a place to live that I love (no matter how much anyone hates it), and my needs are met here.

So I would be running towards something. I would be running to the support of family, just like my friend, but it's been something I told myself I would do eventually, anyway. I gave myself 5 years here, and it will be 5 in January. So I've completed my mission: to grow, to give myself space from the insanity and learn how to thrive despite it. I ran away to come here, and now I'm going back to face my life and live it.

Get by with a little help from your friends

"It's best to nip the hypomanias and manias in the bud before they develop into bona fide cycles. Unfortunately we're not able to do this job all by ourselves. Because the extra shot of energy feels great. According to Dr. Duckworth, half of persons with bipolar disorder don't know that they are ill when symptoms appear. Which is why trusting, loving relationships are so essential to our recovery. OTHERS recognize our manias well before we do."

I've always been a big advocate for letting your close friends know you have bipolar disorder, and explaining to them what it is. The more people you have in your life who can call you on your shit, the more likely you are to receive help early in a manic or depressive episode.

I think I said this already, but a friend of mine sat down at dinner with me a couple of weeks ago and said, "Are you manic?" I wondered how he could tell, and he said, "It's like you have a Devo hat on with a big flashing light on top." Emily told me I look coked out when I'm manic. So I suppose it's easy to tell. The same friend came over last week, and said, "Wow, now you're depressed." I think it helps that we lived together for 2 years, but he can recognize the symptoms almost immediately and let me know.

Without the help of therapists and friends, it's hard to recognize your own symptoms, especially when you're manic and feeling awesome. You just think, "Hey, I'm out of the depression! Yeah!" It sometimes doesn't occur to you that you've swung too far in the opposite direction.

So tell your confidants and let them help you. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and often it relieves people because they then understand why you get crazy sometimes.

So lonely without my old buddy

And, I'm still talking! Hooray! If you're awake too, congrats, you've found my very rambley brain this evening. Don't even bother reading everything I've written today, it's all crap. Well, no, it's kinda fun, but there's A LOT of it. And I'm not done yet.

So I was just talking about loneliness. Of course, there's a WikiHow for that. There's one for everything. It says, "Many times it isn't the partner or friend you are missing, but the activities and hobbies you shared."

A-ha moment! I miss booze!! That's why I'm lonely! I'm used to having my buddy old pal wine glass here with me while I surf the internet for random words that come to my mind. I'm used to bringing the bottle out of the kitchen and into the living room to accompany me from waking to oblivion. I'm used to stumbling into my bedroom and almost hitting my head on the cabinet in order to pass out in bed. Ah, booze, I sure do miss the hobbies we shared.

Let's reminisce: Booze, you and I used to go out into the backyard at 5 o'clock with a cigarette and watch the November sun setting. You and I used to sit around the campfire and watch the moths get zapped. We would finish our time together and then crush cans or collect corks. Together, we would walk the neighborhood watching other people watch TV at night. Booze, remember when you and I would sit on the beach? You in your flask and me in my fleece. We would stare at the city beyond and dream about stars. Oh, booze. We did so much together. What romantic times we had!

And yes, booze, together you and I got up the courage to talk to boys. We got up the courage to sing karaoke and to stay up all night discussing philosophy in slurring tones. We would stumble together into the next bar, or through the field looking for a place to pee. Booze, we would share moments alone and with others. You stole my heart from the very beginning.

And now, you're gone. You've left me for another. Well, technically, I left you. I broke your heart, and now I'm gone. I'm seeing someone else. His name is God, and he says I shouldn't see you any more. You're only trouble. Oh, booze. What about the good times we had? Why couldn't they all be like that? Why did we have to fight so? I'm sorry, but I have to let you go. I miss you, but I'm not coming back.

Telling a story

I've finally told all of my close circle of friends that I've joined AA. I got great reactions all around - really supportive.

My closest friend whined a little about not having someone to drink with, but she was proud that I'd done something I felt I needed to do. So last night, sitting with my friend Angela, I had a nice glass of Snapple in a wine glass. It was like drinking Rose with aspartame. Not so bad! It gave me the feeling of participating, and I think it made her more comfortable, too.

This morning, I met with my last friend and she was incredible. The moment I told her she said yes, she agreed. She realized the state of me and the power of the program to help a person in my condition. She gave me a sense that it's really true, I really needed help, and that felt good.

No one tried to talk me out of it, which is nice.

I have 24 days now. It feels really good. I chose this and I'm determined to keep going. I am happy to be here. Really.