I stole this it was so good

So good, I stole it from Beyond Blue:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."

He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Think about that for a minute. The one you feed. The one you tend to. Of course, this applies to everything from depression to alcoholism. Sit around wallowing in your depression and you're sure to feel it. But do something kind for yourself and you'll feel better. Promise.

Julie has been telling me to buy myself flowers. I've actually been doing it, and I do feel special when I see them. I like flowers so much, and they really perk up my windowsill. Just a simple act of kindness to myself makes a world of difference.

So which one will you feed today?

From the mouth of auntie

I had a nice dinner with my aunt last night, and we covered a lot of ground. We went over some things that I had just discovered in therapy; or more like just finally want to think about taking on. This is going to be a few blog posts, me thinks.

"What's with this alcohol thing? You're not an alcoholic, you know." She said.

"I'm not? But I was drinking alone, a lot, and blacking out?"

"You were using it as a crutch, and that's bad. You're the kind of person who can have one or two drinks occasionally, especially with your meds. But it doesn't make you an alcoholic."

Words to think about. In fact, I had been. I mean, I drank. A lot. But I gave up easy. And it's been fine. I don't know. I was thinking I'll give it till a year and then try to drink like a normal person again. Perhaps alcohol just isn't done with me.

The full monty

So there's a cool chat on Twitter that happens on Tuesday nights at 9pm (#mhsm). Tonight they were talking about disclosure; when and who to disclose to, what the repercussions are, etc.

I'm one big contradiction. Everyone in my life knows I'm bipolar. I tell people usually the first or second time I meet them. I like people to know up front, and I like to have the people around me educated about the illness. I find it easier to just be me and have people who can call me out on my behavior if it gets too one direction or the other. It's also good to have people in your corner when you're not a very good advocate for yourself. Saying, "I don't feel good." to someone who knows how bad you can really feel is easier than getting yourself to a doctor. So really, disclosure is totally selfish.

But hardly anyone knows I'm sober. Isn't that odd? It's not like I care if they know, but I do, sort of. I mean, everyone drinks, and everyone is used to me drinking heavily. It's part of my personality, like being bipolar is. So what happens to a me without alcohol? I'm just finding that out, and I'm not sure I know how to represent myself yet.

Strange, huh? That I should be ok with the debilitating illness and not with the minor alcoholism?

8 months sober

I just realized that as of today, I'm 8 months sober. That's pretty good. I could almost have had a baby at this point.

It's hard to tell just how I feel, because the bipolar mess is getting in the way, but I can tell you I'm enjoying being sober. It's nice to not have to stuff everything down with drugs or alcohol. I feel almost less depressed, just because I don't have to be so embarrassed anymore. I'm not making late night drunken, crying phone calls or falling down. I'm not late to work because I'm hungover, or hungover at work. My skin feels better. My body feels lighter. I don't have horrible headaches or skinned knees anymore.

I remember a lot of times I would get drunk and call my mom or Adam and talk about how I had a problem with alcohol. I was always drunk and complaining, and I'm sure didn't make a lick of sense. Now, I don't have to do that anymore.

And although I'm really depressed right now and suicidal, I think I'm alive because I'm not drinking. Last time I was suicidal, I drank myself into a position where I tried to commit suicide. Now, I have control over my faculties (sort of). Bipolar and alcohol together equal zero impulse control. Without alcohol, I have a semblance of control. I can resist those impulses to hurt myself. I really believe if I thought it was an option to get drunk, I would be dead.

It's also been 2 months since I quit smoking. I can tell you, I smell a lot better, and my breathing is so much easier. If I could get up the energy to run, I'm sure it would feel a hell of a lot better.

So 8 months. I wish I could say it's been all roses, but such is life. Life is interesting, and if it had been all perfect, well, it wouldn't be interesting.

Let's chat!

Ok, that was a bust. In an hour only 3 people got to share because typing takes some people a long time (resentment!). They didn't really have a topic, per se. I mean, they said it was First Things First, but no one really talked about that. But, it's interesting to try something out for the first time. If I had a broken leg and couldn't get to meetings any other way, then I would definitely use it again. You still get to hear How It Works, and there's always some sort of AA-ness about it, even online.

One thing they did discuss is someone's friend was sponsoring a guy who then killed himself. Said sponsor is now back to drinking, blaming himself for the suicide. Her point was we are just alcoholics helping others, not trained professionals, and people need to get help where they need it, not just from AA. Good point, but I wonder the correlation between alcoholics and suicide. Is an alcoholic more likely to commit suicide (because of the damage done to their brain by drinking, perhaps?), or is a depressed person more likely to take up alcohol?

Apparently, "Alcoholics who live alone, and those who have personality disorders, are up to ten times more likely to attempt suicide than the general population." We may never know if alcohol or depression came first, but the suicide rates are both high (though in mental illness the rate is more like 20x the general population).

I'm grumpy

It's hard to meet people when you move to a new city. It took me 9 months when I moved to meet a friend, and two years to make good friends. So I'm not expecting miracles here. Plus, there are a lot of extenuating circumstances this time: I'm not leaving the house much because I'm depressed and it's damn cold outside, I don't have a job where I can meet people, and I'm sober. Three strikes, and I get a night like tonight. Not that tonight was bad. It was just... lame?

So there's a great website called Meetup that has all sorts of events on it. I used it last time I moved last time, and got a good connection with the city. I didn't really meet anyone good, but I got to know my town. So I thought I'd try it again. I went out tonight with a group, not expecting anything to come from it but a night out of the house. In that regards, it was successful. So I suppose I have nothing to complain about. But I will, anyway.

We were at a bar, which doesn't bother me (and I got free drinks all night cause diet Coke was on the house!), or at least I didn't think it did. I remember now that, drunk or no drunk, I'm not much of a bar goer. I never went unless Sam was in town or I was going on a first date. They don't bother me, I just haven't been into the bar scene since my early 20s. Now I remember why they bug me: drunk people. I hate obnoxious drunk people.

You would figure in a group of people all in their late 30s/early 40s and in a fancy expensive bar there wouldn't be obnoxious drunk people. But there she was, with us. She was slurring and falling off her chair; jumping in to conversations with loud, odd responses to questions she must have been asking herself (resentment!). At first I was just really embarrassed for her, and thankful I had given up going to bars before I got like that, if I ever got like that. Thank you Lord for making me a home drunk.

Now I'm just grumpy. I suppose being a sober adult I will meet many more people like that; hell, some of them are related to me; but that was my first run-in as a sober person, and it was even more obnoxious than I remember. I can think of all the reasons she would have drunk like that, but then it occurs to me that those are all excuses I used to make for myself, and I don't have to make them for other people. It's just unfortunate.

So I stayed a reasonable amount of time and then bid farewell, only to wait 18 minutes for a metro train and have my iPod die on me. So I'm grumpy, and can't sleep, and have to work at 9am. Sigh.

Holiday drinking doesn't have to be

The holidays are full of alcohol. From Thanksgiving to New Years, there are even drinks created in honor of the season. Egg nog, spritzers with candy canes, flaming shots, and minty creations all hit the scene. Champagne runs free, and many people accompany all of that with their other drugs of choice: coke is out for all to have; even grandma is smoking pot in the basement with cousin Ted. The holidays are just a time of excess.

And a scary time for those of us new in sobriety. This is my first holiday season sober, and I feel like I'm doing just fine - I have no interest in drinking. I haven't in a while. But then, I haven't been presented with a problem, yet. Thanksgiving was booze-free, thanks to my aunt who just didn't bother this year because we were a small crew, and half under 21 or who didn't drink. Easy.

But now we're coming to the two drinking days. I'm hanging out with other family this time, and they are totally going to make nog and crack champagne. They are all great people, and know I'm sober, and will have diet Coke available (and I'll be bringing some), but it will still be hard, I think. I'm so used to having a celebratory glass of wine with dinner, and a few before, and a few after. I'm usually the one who makes the nog in the first place, though I hate the taste.

So I'm doing what they suggest: I'm making alternate plans. I'm plotting out when the meetings are and avoiding holiday parties I don't have to go to. Like my cousin's friends party on Christmas eve. They are nice folks, but I don't really need to be there for them to have fun. I don't NEED to be anywhere for people to have fun, but you know what I mean. So I'm trying to plan an alternate event with Adam where we can hang out and have Christmas. He's alone here (his family is about 1k miles away), and I don't want him to be alone. And, of course, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to spend a little time with him.

Sober Recovery has a good 12 step program for the holidays (like make an alternate plan or host your own event) which can give you some good ideas. The point is, you don't have to drink to have fun, and you don't have to have fun where there are drinks. You can say no to a party if you don't feel comfortable, and you don't even have to say "it's because I don't drink alcohol." There are a million other reasons, and AA encourages you to say true ones, like I have something else planned, but I also advocate for lying if you have to. "I don't feel well tonight" is a perfectly fine excuse if you think going to an event would make you want to drink.

So stay sober this holiday season. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself to some candy caned themed something non-alcoholic. Like a mocha! Man, I love those Starbucks themed drinks. Some even taste like egg nog, if you're into that kinda thing.

John

So I joked about cirrhosis earlier in the week, but I just got a call from my aunt saying her brother was dying. His lungs collapsed, and he's bleeding from the esophagus. It's been years that he's been sick - he has hepatitis C and is an alcoholic. He got the hep C from drug use. The don't think he'll make it through the weekend.

I've heard so many stories from people in AA who talk about looking at someone who has drunk themselves to death, and how petrifying it is. The people are all bloated, and just don't look the same. My aunt said she's bringing down his 2 boys in the morning, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. They're in their early 20's, but no one wants to remember their parents like that, sick and on a ventilator. I don't even know if John is conscious. I don't think he is.

What a thing to happen, and at Christmas. The moral of the story is: stop drinking like a fish. If you can drink A glass of wine every now and again (not every night or every hour), then go for it, but for those of us who can't, just stop it, damnit. You hurt yourself, but eventually you'll hurt everyone else.

Drinking doesn't help your meds work

"Many of us with alcoholism and another mental illness - such as depression or bipolar - also struggle with what I call "episodic illiteracy."

"Episodic illiteracy" is characterized by the inability to read the warning labels on the prescription bottles of our antidepressants and mood stabilizers."

This is a hilarious little essay on how stupid we alcoholics and depressives can be. I know I loved to drink all the time, medications be damned, but I was always worried about taking other medications that might interfere with my meds. Just writing that makes me shake my head at how stupid it is! Of course, alcohol was the thing that was really messing with my system. The moment I quit drinking was the moment my drugs started working. I could feel it happen. Almost instantaneously.

Good news: Livers grow back!

Cirrhosis is no joke, but man, some times I thought my liver was swollen. Sometimes I could see it sticking out. It was getting bigger, I swear.

"When someone engages in heavy drinking over a long period of time, the liver becomes swelled and fatty."

Swelled and fatty! Then the liver cells die and it becomes scar tissue. Gross. I wonder what my liver looks like after 17 years of drinking, and at least 7 years of that in black out drunk drinking. Man, I used to drink so much I would wake up on the metro somewhere in another state and have to turn around to try and stay awake enough to make it to my stop. Then I would stumble the half mile home, sometimes in the snow or rain, just trying to stay sober enough to walk.

I've had some friends complain that they think their liver sticks out. I really want one of those whole body scans. I want to see what it looks like in there, especially since my meds work through the liver. My therapist was reminding me that caffeine isn't so hot for the liver, either, and I need to be careful.

What's really cool is "When a portion of a normal liver is removed, the remaining liver can grow back (regenerate) to the original size within one to two weeks. A cirrhotic liver, however, cannot grow back." So as long as it's not scarred, my liver might be just fine.

HP can keep you sober

Sometimes they say alcoholism is a spiritual malady; a hole in the soul, if you will.

"However, new research shows that as attendance of AA meetings increase, so do the participants spiritual beliefs, especially in those individuals who had low spirituality at the beginning of the study."

So that belief in a higher power actually does do you some good. It can help you heal that alcohol problem you have. In other words, rely on your higher power. But don't let it be the fellowship for too long. Mr. Sponsorpants hates that. Because:

"It's not the fellowship which gets us drunk. It's our unrealistic expectations, our ego, our resentments, towards people in AA which will get us drunk -- it's on us, not on them, not on the fellowship."

Only a higher power is something that can lead your life, and lead you to a life free of alcohol. Something or some people that can lead to resentments (because no one is perfect) will get you back on the bottle in time. Of course, lots of people develop resentments against their God; even Mother Theresa was mad at God in her journals. But if you rely on that higher power you can let go.

And they say it all burns off

"According to a 2007 USDA study, even after simmering or baking for two hours, more than 10 percent of alcohol remains; quick flamed desserts retain about 75 percent of the original alcohol; and stirring alcohol into hot liquid without further cooking retains 85 percent of its original potency."

I always wondered about this kind of thing. People always talk about how all the alcohol burns off when you cook with it, but I know a lot of alcoholics avoid anything even made with alcoholic anything, including vanilla and other extracts. Apparently, they're right: it does retain a lot of the alcohol in there, and for a lot of people that's enough of a trigger, or enough to get them going.

I don't know if I wrote about it, but I had tiramisu a few months ago. It's my favorite dessert, but it's made with a lot of alcohol. Sigh. No more tiramisu for me, I suppose. I'm not one of those folks that feels the need to drink vanilla extract just for the alcohol, but better safe than sorry, especially in my first year.

Plus, I just feel so great without any alcohol in my system, so why would I want to put it back in, even in small quantities?

Change is fantastic

2010 = Change.

It all began on my birthday, really, not in January. Of course, that was only 2 months later. It began with a trip. I decided that in honor of the 30th year of my birth, I would take the time to treat myself. I gathered my resources and flew off to Europe to spend 2 weeks gallivanting around Switzerland, Austria, and Paris. I rented an apartment in Paris for a week and got to know the city in a way only a local can do. I got lost, I found treats, and I made sure to do all the touristy things I'd never done before. I walked the hell out of Paris.

By May I'd decided that alcohol was no longer a good influence on my life, and it had to go. I took that final step, and instead of drunkenly complaining about alcohol, I soberly took a pledge to stop drinking, and to seek help. I found the local AA meetings, got a sponsor, and started to take the steps seriously. I worked through the first 4, and gained a little serenity.

And then September. Oh, September. I lost my job. Fired, laid off, it's all the same. Whatever it was, it left me with a sense of relief, and yet a sense of pain and confusion. What a blow to the ego to lose your source of income and identification! What's the first question people ask? What do you do. And now I have to say: nothing. I job hunt. But again, a relief.

September also brought a big cross-country move, precipitated by the fact that I couldn't pay my rent without a job. I became a boomerang kid, and moved back in with my dad. I joined another group of statistics. It hasn't been bad - in fact, he's easy to live with.

In November I decided to gather another vice and throw it off the Anne train. Smoking had to go. After 15 years of half a pack a day, it was time to quit. And so I let go. I smoked my last cigarette on the 21st of November, and I haven't looked back.

It's the middle of December, and I've had over 10 interviews for new jobs. Will 2010 bring about another move and a new job, or will that be 2011? Whatever happens, 2010 will still be the best year of my life.

One eye to the road

Holy crap: 30 million people admit to drunk driving. That's a lot of drunk folks on the road, and I suppose most of them are out now during the holiday party season. Sometimes I'm really glad I don't have my car right now.

But then again, I used to be one of those people. I was a really good drunk driver. I never got pulled over, I never (I don't think) hit anything, I never (I know) hit anyone. I never was in or caused an accident. But can any drunk driver be a good drunk driver?

You always know when someone is drunk if you're driving behind them. They're weavy, and over correct. You can kind of tell the amount of effort they are putting into driving. I always laugh at those folks, and let them pass. But I suppose quitting drinking is a lot like having kids: it makes you more of a stick in the mud. You know when you used to give a pass to all sorts of bad behavior because you did it too? And then something changed in you and you became the sort of person who reported those people. Well, I've hit that distinction.

Now, drunk drivers scare the bejeezus out of me. I call them in when I see them. I've heard too many horror stories at AA meetings about drunk crashes where someone has died, and I never want to hear another one. It's just scary out there thinking about all the folks with one eye closed glaring over the steering wheel. 30 million of us. All driving our way into someone else's front yard.

9 days smoke free

Although I'm not using the lozenges (cause they taste like chalk), I'm still tracking my quitting on the Nicorette website. It tells you really cool things like in the past nine days I've saved $20 and 5 hours by not smoking. It also let me know I've missed out on an average of 81 cigarettes. 81! In 9 days? That's just gross. I can't believe I smoked that much. No wonder my body is rebelling.

According to a lot of sites, my blood pressure is sure to have gone down, my heart is back to beating normally, and my circulation is getting better. I can already tell that, besides the snot, it's easier to breathe. I can also smell more. Like tonight on the metro, I smelled a man who had been drinking. It was really gross and reconfirmed my decision to not drink. Who knew drinking made you smell bad, too?

The other night at my grandmother's house I couldn't breathe and she had some Nyquil. Now, I know a lot of people relapse on Nyquil, but I thought I would take a chance. It didn't make me run for the alcohol, and it helped me breathe enough to sleep. Apparently, they have alcohol free Nyquil, which until this smoking cleanse goes away, I think I'll invest in.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'll be away from a computer till next week, but I'm sure you have more than enough to catch up on here. I'm headed up north with my family, along with thousands of other travelers. Should be an interesting drive! I hope we take some back roads, on purpose.

I'm a little worried about the drinking that's going to happen. Even my dad drinks on holidays, and he never drinks. It's also the holidays, where I'm used to celebrating with my family. How do you celebrate without alcohol? Will I be comfortable there in the house? Will I be able to keep myself asleep without freezing to death? It's damn cold there in the farmhouse.

I've found an AA meeting in the small town where I'm going (they really are everywhere) on Thanksgiving day, so it should be good. I'll get to spend some time with alcoholics and maybe go to coffee with someone. It will be better to have an hour or two hour break from the drinking going on at the house.

Anyway, happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

"Extinction learning"

They've found an interesting way to help addicts recover:

"This is the first time that a therapeutic treatment has been shown to block the retrieval of memories associated with drug addiction, a major reason many addicts experience relapse, says Mueller.

Along with the discovery of propranolol's cocaine-memory blocking effects, the researchers also have identified the primary players in the brain responsible for "extinction" learning -- the ability to replace cocaine-associated memories with associations that have no drug 'reward.'"

So when you block the memory of the good times, you can focus on the bad. Kind of like AA. People tell their stories all the time, but the focus is on the bad things it did to them. They like to walk through the drink, and focus on the consequences associated with taking that first drink. I like that. It makes you remember what an ass you were, or all the trouble you go into, which wasn't the fun part. Apparently it really is a step towards the cure.

It's interesting how they call it "extinction learning." Changing that learning and associating the drink or the smoke or the drug with something bad instead of something good. I need to associate smoking with smelling bad. I think that's my biggest problem with it right now: I stink. And with getting out of breath in the first 30 minutes of running. Once my lungs warm up I'm fine, but those first 30 are a killer.

Crazy, crazy for feelin so crazy

Michael and I were talking tonight about our lives, and he said something that explains exactly how I feel: "And nothing feels worse than being safe and secure, and yet, insecure and unsafe."

I have a place to live, in fact, a great place to live, but I feel homeless. I have money coming in, not a lot, but some, and yet I feel like I'm just mooching off the state. I have a resume that's gotten me 8 interviews, but I feel like I have no qualifications. Safe, yet unsafe. Secure, yet insecure.

Everything is just so up in the air. I don't even know anything. I don't know what to talk about! I'm just so lost right now. I'm starting to feel it. I'm starting to feel.... Crazy. Not like I want to drink, but like I want to have sex. I know, that's new, you're thinking, but it's not. I use sex to feel worse about myself when I'm feeling bad, but can't figure it out. I really want to just go out somewhere and find someone to sleep with. Usually I do that by finding a bar and having someone buy me drinks, but that's not going to work. And I can't just Craigslist it, because my dad would know that I left. I'm never going to get laid this way.

But I suppose that's good. I'm not supposed to have sex till my one year is up, and although I've been bad about that, I have only done it twice, and with people I know well. I've been good. Now I don't feel like I want to continue to play this game. I want some of my destructive behaviors back. I don't want to feel good - I want to feel like I feel inside.

I'm still going to quit smoking, Monday, but right now I'm going to substitute sex for a cigarette. Jesus, what the hell am I going to do when cigarettes are gone!?

Living in the skin you're in

Someone tonight talked about how they have to live in the skin they're in, and how they need to separate themselves from the skin they used to inhabit. "I know that if I drink, I'll go back to that whore, that person no one wants to be around."

I feel the same way. I feel like I can't go back to that skin. I can't go back to the person I used to be, especially after I've changed so much. And have I changed? Really? In 6 months?

6 months is a long time. A lot can happen. Just look at what's happened since then. I've been given a clean slate. I've lost my job, lost my place, basically lost my dog and my car, lost my dignity through drinking, and moved. That's a ton of stuff to lose. So I've been given a clean slate. I can start all over and not look like an ass around people. I can go to work with my head held up high.

Now, I can be there for the people in my life. I don't have to isolate and hide from them who I really am. I can share with them my life, and be present in theirs. It's nice to start over.

Caffeinated energy drinks

"New research indicates that individuals who have a high frequency of energy drink consumption (52 or more times within a year) were at a statistically significant higher risk for alcohol dependence and episodes of heavy drinking."

It's interesting to look at the new bans on alcoholic energy drinks that are happening all over the U.S. Apparently caffeine masks the effects of alcohol poisoning and the general effects of alcohol. That's why you drink coffee to "sober up." It doesn't actually sober you up, but the caffeine masks how the alcohol makes you feel. A lot of college kids have been overdosing on alcohol by drinking these drinks. I suppose they just don't feel the same high, and then want more to make them feel more drunk.

My cousin up north just posted that he bought 2 cases of this stuff in anticipation of the ban. He's nuts to put that on Facebook, cause he's looking for a job, and his mom is his friend, but it makes me think this problem is more widespread. He's not even in college anymore. He's still really young, and I hope he'll just grow out of it. Alcoholism runs in that side of the family, too, and he's already got the anxiety disorder to go with it.