Kvetching time!

I haven't been paid (unemployment) in almost 2 months, I gave myself shin splints in my driving leg, and I think I'm getting fatter despite working out twice a day. No, I'm just turning everything I've got into muscle, but it still makes my shorts tight. Baah.

I've applied to about 1,000 jobs at this point, and I'm still unemployed. My brain hurts just thinking about it. And I don't care about what I'm trained to do, anymore. I'm sick of it. I wish I had a passion for something else, but I don't. I just go with the flow most of the time. Sure, I love a lot of things, but they mostly involve unstructured things or sports.

All in all, my life is pretty good. I still have the money to cover my bills because I was such a penny pincher before. I still have my car and a place to live. I'm getting free exercise classes all summer and time with family members I hadn't been around before. I am grateful for everything, really, I am.

Today I'm grateful for...

Today is an easy, and a hard day for making a gratitude list, but I think it's time. So, here we go being optimistic and happy again.

I'm grateful for:
A place to live;
good and loving family and friends;
modern pharmaceuticals;
rain on my windowsill;
diet Coke;
the internet and computers;
a blog where I can share my experiences; and
life and breath.

See, there's a lot to be grateful for on this birthday. It's not all bad, it's just weird and not the way I imagined it. Or hoped it would be. But we'll see what the coming year has to offer. Maybe I'll move up north. Maybe I'll end up here. Maybe I'll give up the job hunt and go back to school. Maybe I'll go traveling, income restrictions be damned. I need to send my passport in for renewal. Remind me to go get a picture taken, soon.

Feelings are not facts

"If it happened, it’s a fact. If it hasn’t happened, it’s a theory or a prediction. If you hold a kitten over a working blender and open your hand, the prediction that it will fall in is actually not a fact. It’s a theory. It’s a theory that has a whale of a lot of evidence to point to the probability of kitten puree, but it’s not a fact."

One of the gratitudes on the list tonight was being grateful that feelings aren't facts. I like that, yet it kind of throws me. Maybe that's why I like it. I also really like the description of facts above. Kitten puree is a probability, not a fact. Nothing is a fact until it happens.

A grateful list

Whine, whine, whine! I'm whining a lot lately on here. It is my blog, damnit, and I'll whine if I want to, but I don't mean to be a downer. I think I'm a pretty optimistic person generally, and I really am thankful for all I have. So, a gratitude list:

I'm grateful:

That I got to go to Europe this year;
That I'm sober;
That I have a place to live and food to eat;
That I have a great family who love me;
That there was snow the other day;
That I have so many interviews;
For my friends, who also love me;
For the changing weather (I love the chill!);
For Sunday night football;
For warm cups of gingerbread coffee;
For my funny cousins.

There's a lot of stuff in my life to be grateful for. I'm so happy to have all these wonderful people in my life, and appreciate the support from all of them. Everyone has been so great and loving. I'm grateful I have storage for all my stuff, and the money to pay my bills, too! The world is alright.

I'm grateful for you

Here are some good steps to take to be grateful. One of the things she talks about it keeping a gratitude journal, and thinking of everyone in your life, bad or good, as someone to be grateful for.

I'm frustrated in this interview process, but I have to be thankful for the people who have found my resume interesting and are taking time out of their work schedules to meet with me. I'm thankful to them. I'm also thankful for the opportunity to even apply for jobs. There are so many jobs out there that I have options, which is really nice.

I'm grateful to have my dog back. He makes me happy. It's great to cuddle with a small, warm dog on a cold night, and he's always so happy to see me. He's snoring on the couch right now, which is totally adorable.

I'm thankful for the support of my friends and family during this rough time. Everyone has been great, and supports my sobriety as well. People that I tell are all interested in congratulating me, and helping me by not drinking around me, or finding other ways to have fun. I'm definitely grateful for that.

I have a lot of good in my life right now. Sure, finding work is really hard, but I can do it. I'm doing it already.

Focus on the future

My therapist said I need to stop focusing on the future, and look at what I have today. Make a gratitude list. So here's my list for today.

Rain
Dad letting me stay here
Interviews
Adam
Mom taking the dog
Halloween
New clothes
Boots
Good friends

I need to stop making myself crazy by focusing on what might happen; what might happen when I get a job, when I reach my year, when this and when that. I need to let this time be this time. Put myself where my feet are.

Chchchch changes

It's amazing to see people change. Well, not necessarily witness it first hand, but to see that someone can become something even when they're down at their lowest.

I met some great people tonight that had been robbers and stealers and such. These people who took advantage of others in the worst way. These people you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley. People you should be scared of.

And now, these people give freely of themselves. They come and share and run meetings. They give their stories to other people to try and help them live better lives. They live honest lives. One young man talked about how good it feels to make an honest living; working nine to five.

Amazingly, people can change. AA has shown me that everyone who puts their minds to it can change. With the help of my higher power, so can I.

Gratitude

A friend of mine suggested to make a list of what I'm grateful for. I have a list similar to that that my therapist made me make up. I think it's nice to have everything in one place, so here goes:

Sobriety
Trees
Rain storms
Running
Rolling hills
Sunshine
Fireflies
My dad
My friends
Feelings: Being able to feel them now, even though they suck
Free will

I'm not sure what else to go with? There's a lot I'm grateful for. Especially out in the world, and here in my heart.