Pride

The 12 and 12 talks about the seven deadly sins we look at in our inventory (step 4). I've come to realize lately that I have a big nasty one: pride.

Now, pride can be a good, or a bad thing. It's good to look inside and see the good things about yourself and be accepting and even proud of them. But what I'm talking about it the pride of self that says, "I am better and stronger than everyone else, and therefore I don't need them." Sure, I take criticism. I listen when people point out my flaws, but I've always thought I was better than other people. People are inherently weak and flawed, so I have to be stronger and more "perfect."

But no man is an island. The moment I walked into the rooms of AA I admitted I wasn't all powerful, and in fact, flawed. I admitted that I needed the help of other people to make me a better person. I admitted defeat and made my first small steps towards humility.

Keep those defects, for now

"Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know". Pema Chodron

We humbly ask God to remove our character defects. They are removed whenever He wants them to be, in the order He chooses. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

I really like this quote, and I think it really applies to the steps. We have to remember that we're living on God's terms now, not according to our own will and wants. We may discover our character defects and want them gone now! We might think we can remove them by acting in different manners (which is the right step - do the next right thing), but only God can remove them from our core character.

And they stick around for a reason - often to teach us a lesson in humility. Who among us wants to keep all of their defects? I know so many of them were useful at one time, but aren't anymore, and continue to beat us down. We learn to humble ourselves before God and ask for forgiveness, acceptance, and love.

Sometimes I annoy myself with all the God talk, but it seems really important to have a spiritual program. Mine just happens to be God with a capital G. It's what I know.

Ask for help

Ok, so one other person had something to say. Kathy said, "All you have to do to be successful in this program is admit that you don't know, and ask for help."

Wow. Those are two of the hardest things to do. No one likes to admit that they don't know. I lie all the time and make up answers to stuff. I often admit I'm just making it up, but I can't seem to come out and say I don't know. It's just easier for me to sound smart for a minute.

And asking for help. Whew! That one is rough. I suppose that's what we all did when we came to AA. Help me, I'm powerless. And that's what I'm doing every day with every person I talk to in AA. I'm asking for help. I need their guidance to work the steps and to stay sober. I need help. I need help. Wow. That's a hard blow to the ego. I suppose that's where humility starts - asking for help.

I asked for help once. I knew when I was young that I was crazy. Normal kids didn't have their own exacto knife for cutting themselves and drawing on their walls with blood. I knew that it was weird for me to completely isolate and to sometimes sleep in the bathtub with my comforter because I was too depressed to even sleep in my bed. Sometimes I slept under it, just to feel safe.

I asked my mom to take me to a psychiatrist. She made me a deal: gynocologist first, then psychiatrist. She knew I'd been having sex, and she wanted me to get checked out. I acquiesced. I finally got to the therapist (not psychiatrist) and told her all my problems. I laid it out on the table: sometimes I broke stuff just to see if I would hurt myself. I put my hand through windows more times than I care to admit. I would smash the recycling bin contents on the driveway and sweep it up with my hands. I like glass for self-destruction. She asked to see my parents.

And then, she became their marriage therapist and I went back to dealing on my own. I never saw her again. My dad still thinks she's the shit, cause apparently she's a better marriage therapist than a child therapist. I didn't ask for help again. But then, I was kinda forced back into therapy when my Head of School noticed just how fucked up I was. Thank God someone noticed.

I'm not too proud to ask for help, it just never goes anywhere and I seem to only annoy the people I ask. At least, I think I annoy them. So I need to right size myself. I need to realize that I am not shit, I can ask for help. Help me.

Wow, that meeting was lame

I just came back from the lamest meeting. The dude who was running it was mean! He kept saying, to the silent room, "This is your meeting, people." It was obvious everyone just wanted to get out of there, but this guy wasn't budging until everyone talked.

So they talked. And boy, was it lame. I know that's no nice of me, but really. One guy mumbled for 5 minutes, and I still have no idea what he said. Another guy did what I can't stand. He opened with, "My name is Chris and by the grace of God I am today a recovered alcoholic." Now, Adam always tells me he runs screaming from anyone who says they are recovered. It's recovering. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.

Then Chris proceeded to talk. About nothing. He went on and on, and really, I looked for the substance and the relation to AA, but there was nothing there. Oh! And my favorite was Hector. He said that since he came into the program he's come to a spiritual awakening: he can only have one beer a day. He was really proud of the fact that he had come to this realization, and kept telling us to keep coming back, cause it works.

And Sebastian. Boy, that's an angry kid. Two other people shared about their time being dragged into psychiatric hospitals, which I have no problem with, but man that's depressing for a meeting that's already really depressing.

The only person who had anything meaningful to say was the new kid. He's been sober three days (I saw him at his first meeting on Friday, and every meeting I've been to since). He actually stuck to the topic of humility (which I have none of tonight). He went out with his friends and they didn't drink in front of him because he asked them not to, even though they don't know he's in AA. He was humbled. It was amazing to see that it's already working with him.

So that's my bitchy rant for the night. Sorry, had to get it out!

Seven saintly virtues

In Catholicism you're not all bad. God loves you, which is why He sent His son to forgive our sins. I swear, it's not as bad as people make it out to be. There's no fire and brimstone.

So, to balance out the seven deadly sins, there are seven virtues. I added the saintly part. They are: chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness, and yes, humility.

People are not all bad, and neither am I. I have those virtues, as well as those sins. Minus the chastity part, which I'm working on. It's like quitting smoking: it's really hard to not go out in your loneliness and find someone who will worship your body, if only for an hour. I should have been a prostitute, if the thought of it didn't make me want to cry. Sometimes I feel like I've already been one. Jesus. Now I don't even want to sleep with me.

Walking down the street at the beach with Adam, we gave a homeless kid the rest of our dinner. I know repeating your good works to others makes them not so good, but it's my blog. Every day I do charity and kind works. I work for charities, I donate money and goods each year, without the tax break, and I serve as a volunteer in a charitable organization. I've got love of your fellow man down. At least, I think. Lately, I've been a bit disgruntled. A lot of non profits are shit. They mess with their finances, and treat their employees like shit. Not all of them are like this, but I've worked in some bad atmospheres.

So, patience and humility are the two I'm working on. We've already talked a little about humility, and since it's so vital in AA, I'm sure it will come up again. Then there's patience. We've gone over that, too. I am impatient. I like things to come now. I want to be on step twelve. I want a damn spiritual awakening. I want to make amends now. I want to be on the way to peace and a better life. I just have to remember that I am already. Rome wasn't built in a day, as they say, and a deeper spiritual life for me won't happen tomorrow. I'm not going to heal my inner child next week. So I need to learn patience.

Humility humbles me.

AA talks a lot about humility. Humble yourself before your Higher Power. Gain humility in your dealings with others. Remove your selfishness and self-centered pride. But what does humility really mean? I don't know if I have any, since I don't think I understand the concept very well. Maybe you have this problem, too. I suppose like any good alcoholic, or any person, really, I'm far too concerned with myself to look outwards. So let's take a look at the word itself.

"Humility or humbleness is a quality of being courteously respectful of others. It is the opposite of aggressiveness, arrogance, boastfulness, and vanity. Rather than, "Me first," humility allows us to say, "No, you first, my friend." Humility is the quality that lets us go more than halfway to meet the needs and demands of others."

Huh. I don't know if I like that one. Let's try another.

"modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc."

Ah, that's more like it. A simple statement: right-sizing yourself and your problems. Each of us has a life story, and many of us have horrible things that have gone on in these stories. Much of it is what led us to drinking in the first place. But in the grand scheme of things, how important are our little lives and their petty problems? When we look outside of ourselves and count our blessings instead of losses, we can gain humility. When we ask our Higher Power for help, and even ask others for help, we gain humility.

Through the work in AA and with my therapist I'm going to start taking a good look at the problems in my life that have been preventing me from right-sizing my problems. I give too much credence to events that happened way in the past and let them rule my life. By taking a good look and then offering them to God, I'll have a better chance at living a life free of a high sense of my own struggles and gain humility.

Wow, God works fast

This morning I talked about not making changes in your first year. And then something amazing happened.

A recruiter just called me from a staffing firm and said she thinks I'd be good for this position in the city that would pay me between $67 and $80,000! That's a shit ton more than I'm making now. Like, by a lot. It's an officer position, which is where I want to move to in my career. I'm going to call her back and chat about it, and see what company it is with.

And then, a friend of mine forwarded a posting for a light-filled apartment in my town that has a backyard for my dog and big windows for me. Everyone says my apartment is depressing, dark, and cold, and has been trying to convince me to move out. The rent is more, but if I had a new job I wouldn't have to worry about it.

Is this God talking? I know you're not supposed to make changes, but if God hands you something, don't you have to grab on? Why say no to the gifts that God gives? I'm going to do a little exploring and see if any of this will happen, but really, I'm humbled by his aid.

Gators

Someone told a story at the meeting this afternoon that he had read in the paper. An Aussie was kicked out of a pub and in his drunkeness decided he wanted to ride an alligator. He climbed into an enclosure with this 1,800 pound beast, and jumped on it like a cowboy. It's not too hard to imagine what happened next - the alligator tore chunks out of his arms and legs. Instead of seeking help for his wounds, he stumbled back to the bar looking for the next drink.

That's what alcohol does. It temps you into riding the highs, and then chews you up and spits you out. You don't realize what happened until you end up in the hospital, or jail, or in your backyard having a spiritual experience. Alcohol is the gator that attacks you in your own mind and body.

We talked about humility today, and how being sober and admitting your powerlessness over alcohol is humbling. You are an alcoholic, and you can not manage to wrestle with the gator alone. You need the fellowship of AA and the steps to guide you through recovery. AA is the bandaid, the Neosporin that will heal those self-inflicted wounds.

So stop wrestling with that gator alone. Try walking away from the bar in the other direction and head for the hospital of AA. We have coffee.

Chchchch changes

It's amazing to see people change. Well, not necessarily witness it first hand, but to see that someone can become something even when they're down at their lowest.

I met some great people tonight that had been robbers and stealers and such. These people who took advantage of others in the worst way. These people you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley. People you should be scared of.

And now, these people give freely of themselves. They come and share and run meetings. They give their stories to other people to try and help them live better lives. They live honest lives. One young man talked about how good it feels to make an honest living; working nine to five.

Amazingly, people can change. AA has shown me that everyone who puts their minds to it can change. With the help of my higher power, so can I.