Homesick

Going to so many interviews they all ask how I liked living out on the other coast. "I loved it," I'll say, and then talk about why I came home. Like I had a choice. The more I have to talk about it, the more I'm really "homesick" for that place. I miss those people. I miss my apartment. I miss my dog, the beach, the wineries, the city, the adventures I used to have.

But I know some of it is being sad for my loss of independence. To me, now, that time in my life reflects a period where I was able to form boundaries from my family. I was able to become an adult - to grow up. And now I've regressed. I'm living at home and I'm stuck here, like a child.

So, yeah, I miss it. I'm pissed that I had to leave like I did. I'm pissed that I have to be here still after 6 months. I'm stressed about all of it and I just want my life back.

What your doctor doesn't know

"Then, his goal was to help his patients become happy and fulfilled; now, it is just to keep them functional."

A great article by the New York Times on how psychiatry has become a pill farm instead of the talk therapy it once was. I totally identify, as I'm sure you do. I see my doc maybe once every 6 months, more if I'm in crisis, and I see him for 10 - 15 minutes. I tell him I feel _____ and he flips out the prescription pad.

If I could see him an hour a week, or even once a month for 30 minutes, the man might know what's going on with me and be better able to craft my med cocktail. But instead, he has to rely on what blanks I can fill in. And I'm an informed consumer who doesn't lie to my docs. What about other people who don't know what are symptoms? Who don't know what to look for? How does the doctor know what to prescribe?

It all scares me, honestly. No wonder so many people are on meds. Psychiatry is quick on it's way to becoming sham medicine.

A man walks into a docs office....

"'Our data suggest that a person who walks into a physician's office feeling sad will tend to recall experiencing more symptoms than they probably really did,' Suls said. 'If a person comes into the physician's office feeling fearful, they're more likely to scan their body and read any sensations they're experiencing at that moment as something wrong.'"

Apparently, you're neurotic, too. People with depression and anxiety often experience their symptoms in a physical sense. People with depression recall having had more symptoms than they probably did, and people with anxiety think they have it all right now. Interesting, huh? So when you go to the doctor with that constant "migraine" it might just be your depressive memory saying, "damn, I've had this headache for millions of years and it was so bad I couldn't think." I know I tell myself I have all sorts of diseases and syndromes (I'm totally a hypochondriac), but I tend not to report the bodily symptoms to the doc. I like to tough them out. I'm not saying it's smart, it's just what I do.

Anyway, it's always good to keep track of those things. Write it all down. How were you feeling today? Is it depression? Anxiety? Side effects? You never can tell, but it's good to have a record.

A raise of confidence

So I think my interview up north went well. It was freezing there, but that's fine by me. I'd rather cold weather than hot. I met with 6 people in 4 different meetings throughout the afternoon. I met with the women who would be my boss and her boss, and the people I would be managing. They all seemed like interesting and nice folks, and the people I would be managing showed just how frustrated they are. It would be my job to raise morale a bit, and make their lives a little easier. I think I could do it. I'm really good at fighting for what I think is right and supporting other people. I think that would translate into great management.

And then I lose my confidence for a minute and freak out. I checked the job boards this morning and that job popped up as recently posted. I don't know if that's a sign, or if HR just posted it not knowing I'd come in already. But it makes me nervous. So I applied to 3 more jobs just in case.

The other job around here I should hear from this week, and I hope they say no. I really don't want to work there, but I feel like I can't turn it down. I'm getting back to settled in this life (as in, I've stopped freaking out that I have to get out of here now), and so I hope I can be a little picky. I don't want a job I don't even like going into it.

What to do?

A gene discovered

Why does the news media not care? This is huge! They found a gene that may have something to do with bipolar disorder:

"Our results provide strong evidence that genetic variation in the gene NCAN is a common risk factor for bipolar disorder," concludes Dr. Cichon. "Further work is needed now to learn more about the biological processes that NCAN is involved in and how NCAN variants disturb neuronal processes in patients with bipolar disorder."

There's your genetic testing and all sorts of moral questions right there. Should we test for it? What does it mean? Does it effect treatments? Can they do specifically tailored treatments for the gene? If you present with symptoms and yet don't have the gene can you be diagnosed bipolar? If not, what are you?

So many questions, and they'll never be satisfactory answers, methinks.

Why am I so sleepy?

I wonder if it's the weather. Or traveling. Sometimes traveling makes me tired. All I want to do is nap, and I can nap. I can actually lie down and fall asleep for an hour and then be fine, but within 3 hours I'm tired again. It could be the Celexa or even the Abilify. Though I figure the side effects should have worn off by now. It's been a month. And it's only random tiredness. Some days I'm fine. But I'm tired more often than not.

But, of course, I can't sleep at night. I mean, I sleep, but it takes me hours to fall asleep. In the middle of the day I'm out like a light, but at night I just lie there and think. Perhaps that's the real reason I'm tired when I get up. And of course, I've messed up my entire sleep system now. Sigh.

Go ahead, take that nap

"...participants who slept for at least 45 minutes during the day had lower average blood pressure after psychological stress than those who did not sleep."

Finally, proof to what I've known all along: naps are good for you! We should institute nap time at work. Siestas. Just a little 30 minutes around 2pm where we could all take some time to snooze. I think it would increase worker productivity by yards. I know I would be more productive after a nap. And now we have proof that we'd all be healthier, too!