Sleep, damnit

It's 2am and I'm awake. It's been on and off sleep and insomnia all week. One night I'm up till 5 and up at 9am, and the next day I'm down for naps all day. It's a vicious cycle, but I'm just not tired. I can't seem to just lie down, but I'm not hyper or energetic, either. It's not like I'm busy and that's why I'm awake. I'm sitting here playing on the internet again and emailing with Michael. Sigh.

I'm really nervous about this week. I have a feeling it's the week I'm going to get a job, but I don't know which one it will be. I have a feeling it's the one here that I don't want that much, but screw it: it's work. And it would have really good benefits and nice people. I just need to train myself to be a little more... uptight. I can handle it. I can handle anything.

It would be so nice to have a job. I'm so sick of being unemployed and without my own home. I know it's not the biggest travesty in the world, but losing your independence is depressing. Now I know how old people feel. Sort of.

Enough of my blathering. Time to download more apps for the iPhone. Free, of course, since I gave up online shopping.

A raise of confidence

So I think my interview up north went well. It was freezing there, but that's fine by me. I'd rather cold weather than hot. I met with 6 people in 4 different meetings throughout the afternoon. I met with the women who would be my boss and her boss, and the people I would be managing. They all seemed like interesting and nice folks, and the people I would be managing showed just how frustrated they are. It would be my job to raise morale a bit, and make their lives a little easier. I think I could do it. I'm really good at fighting for what I think is right and supporting other people. I think that would translate into great management.

And then I lose my confidence for a minute and freak out. I checked the job boards this morning and that job popped up as recently posted. I don't know if that's a sign, or if HR just posted it not knowing I'd come in already. But it makes me nervous. So I applied to 3 more jobs just in case.

The other job around here I should hear from this week, and I hope they say no. I really don't want to work there, but I feel like I can't turn it down. I'm getting back to settled in this life (as in, I've stopped freaking out that I have to get out of here now), and so I hope I can be a little picky. I don't want a job I don't even like going into it.

What to do?

Nice to meet you

Apparently panic attacks and job interviews go well together. The interview I had the other week where I was shaking and a mess? They called me back for a second interview. I think it's the writing test I did. If anything, I can write under pressure. I can't find the job description online again, but I think it was just fine. I'll ask for a paper copy, perhaps.

The job would be here in the area, though on the other side of the city. I would either have to live close to work in a place I hate (I just can't stand the area around the organization), or I could live around here and deal with a shitty commute. I think if they offer it I'm just going to take it. I need to move out, and it's a good job.

Let's get past the next interview, first.

Manic Mondays

Ok, ok, I admit it: I'm a little manic. I think the extra 5mg of Abilify he added to the regular dose pulled me up a bit, though I'm sleepy. I feel great in comparison to last week, and especially the week before. I'm not suicidal, I'm not depressed, I'm just good. Which is nice. My cousin last night said, "I can believe you'd be depressed. Your life sucks ass right now." And she's right! Things are so crappy right now. But I have a plan.

I had a great interview up north, and I'm hoping to get that job. It would be a great career step forward for me. I should hear back about a third interview with them by next week, where I'll go up there and meet face to face. I've also applied for a bunch of other positions.

The plan: if by the end of March I don't have a job I will move to the north and work retail. I'll just get an apartment and a UHaul and go.

That would be 6 months of living here. I think that's enough. I think I've given it the good ol' college try. 6 months is a long time. I'll give somewhere else a year to grow on me, and if I don't have a job in a year, then I'll have to reconsider my career path. I like this plan. I think it has merit.

Life stages

Where do you go when you don't know what you want or what direction you're headed in?

After 4 or so months of being home I'm realizing a few things: I did miss the snow; I've got to live on my own again soon; and I moved away from home for a reason. I picked up and moved across the country for a few good reasons: my mom makes me insane; there are. Lot of bad memories here; Adam. I love him, I do, but... I don't know. Its like having a controlling older brother. He just makes me want to rebel.

There's a job here that I think they're going to offer me, and I think I'm going to turn them down. All I want is to be working, but there's a few things here (it's the day of semi-colons!): my mentor thinks I would be bored at this job; I think I wouldn't want to stay in it more than 2 years, and part of my career hopes are to stay in a job longer than that; and it's the part of my field I find too easy to occupy myself. I do get bored doing that kind of work after a while, and it's not as creative a job as I hoped. I think it would be a great job, and I could be happy until I got bored, and my resume shows that only takes about a year.

So I don't know. It seems like I'm pointed north for a few years. I would love to try out a new city; someplace to call my own. I do need to acknowledge a few more things with semi-colons: I'm in a really transitional place in my life right now and I don't know what I'm doing; and I think I'm a bit manic. Thank you Abilify! It makes me feel so much better. But usually I get the urge to move and cut my hair when I get manic, and all weekend I've been thinking about chopping off my hair again. Pixie cut = mania; always. One time in college I pretty much shaved my head. Boy, was I high! I had a great time that summer.

Everything is so up in the air. I wish I knew what was going to happen, but I think I'm just going to have to wing it.

Watch the day away

I miss my girls. On a day like this, the day after New Years, the four of us would be getting together to watch a marathon of our show. It's 6 seasons in, but usually we would pick a season and start again from the beginning, just for fun. We would cook breakfast at 7am, crack the champagne, and start watching. By 8 at night Jennifer would be asleep on the floor, Amanda would be drunk, Rebecca would have gone home, and I would be the last one actually watching. It's part of the obsessiveness. I think I was the only one ever really watching.

So today, I decided to do it myself. I woke up late and put on our show, season 1, episode 1, and started my movie marathon. I own all the seasons, and I copied them to my iPad, so I'm just sitting with it propped on my pillow. I did what we always did during the marathons - I did my toenails and fingernails. I drank coffee instead of champagne, and I ate popcorn instead of breakfast pizza, but it still felt like a little bit of "home."

I miss my old home a bit. I miss having my apartment, my dog, my car, my friends, a job. I'm lonely here. I suppose it would help if I left the house every now and again, or joined some sort of club, but I just don't have the energy right now. My meds are here, according to the note left on the mailbox, but the office downstairs is closed till Monday, so I can't get them. I'm not blaming this homesickness on lack of meds, but it's sure not helping.

I'm done feeling like I'm on vacation. I'm done with this. I need a job; something to do, somewhere to live where I can call it my own. I need a life of my own.

Happy new year!

I can not believe it's 2011 already. It seems like the past year went by super quick with all the amazing things that have happened. I wonder what in the world is going to happen this year....

Resolutions for 2011:

1. Well, we know get a job and an apartment is number 1 on there. I have another interview on Monday, and a potential one later in the week. I think I should hear from more people now that the holidays are over. Right? Right. And of course, what comes from having a job is getting an apartment on my own again. It's been 4 or so months that i've been here, and I am grateful, but I miss having a place of my own. I miss having some alone time and my own stuff.

2. Actually train for the marathon and run them to the finish. I am so not prepared for march's marathon, nor any real running, since I have been extremely lazy the past few months. I need to get back out there on the road and prepare! I spent tonight with my cousins, and even invited me to come out in may for a half marathon in their hometown, so that's another one on the books.

3. Hm. Shouldn't you always have there of something? Good things come in threes.... Right? You know what? I'm going to keep up this blog. I really enjoy getting everything out on "paper." I know most of the time I'm talking to myself, but I'm ok with that. It has been extremely helpful to just talk it all out. So I think I will continue this journey with you, and thanks for listening.

Happy new year!

Something funny happened on the way to the basement

Reverb asks, what's the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year? Well, we've already discussed the gift of unemployment, my gift of Europe to myself, Adam's Christmas kiss, and the fact that Angry Birds on the iPad has become an amazing gift of laziness, but there's a nice little gift I just received for the end of the year.

There's a little store downstairs in my dad's apartment building. He has just the basics: laundry detergent, boxed dinners, wine, laundry, and packages. He's a busy guy, with two buildings and 18 floors each of apartments. He seems to know everyone, and is always smiling and chatting when I go down to get packages. He's helped me numerous times by emailing when something urgent comes in.

The other day my dad went down to get something and Mohammed looked especially busy. "You know, my daughter is unemployed. She could help you during the holidays." And so it began. I brushed off my dad's comment when he told me later, but this morning Mohammed emailed me and asked me to come down. Because I can't say no, I went.

And something funny happened. I walked in and immediately he began showing me how to do stuff and telling me how much things were. "So when you get the laundry you tag it like this," he said, showing me where to staple those little pink tags you get on your dry cleaning. Apparently they go through dry cleaning just fine. I always wondered. "Always check id. It's not worth the fine."

"I'm going home overseas next month, and I'll put you in charge. You're responsible. You've worked retail before, right?" "Right," I said. Though it's been a while.

And so right then and there, Mohammed trusted me with his store. Someone saw something in me and gave me responsibility without even seeing me in action. Someone hired me. I know, it's not a full-time job, and it's not permanent, but someone saw fit to hire me after an interview. I'm not worthless, after all. I can work. And with that simple little action, Mohammed gave me some self-esteem back.

I'm so lazy

I went back to bed. When my dad got home from his walk he came in and woke me up. "Anne, you've been in bed all day!" "I know," I said, "But I took that Seroquel." Which is totally true. I've been so sleepy all day. I just want to lie down, still. I should really go for a run. I still have my running clothes on.

Good news! I have an interview in the new year, and a phone interview sometime this or next week (he asked when I was available). The one in the new year is for something I wouldn't be as enthusiastic about, but it's something I've done before and it's a step in the right direction.

There I am getting my hopes up again. I already had 11 interviews and nothing has come from any of them, and now I'm getting my hopes up about 2 little interviews, one just a phone interview. I don't want to get all excited, but they're both here near everyone I want to be close to. I would love the job up north, but one of the jobs here is the same title and more money. So we'll see. Hopefully the new year will bring something great, and soon!

Scream it from the mountain tops

You know what's funny? You can have a Facebook, LinkedIn, Yahoo, Gmail, Twitter, or any other spot to say what you want to say, but there's no place like an anonymous blog to say what you REALLY think. F*&K! That's what I want to say. Don't you ever just feel like yelling it really loud? Screaming: It can be good for something other than warning signals.

What's going on over there? You may ask. Nothing, really. Actually, today is pretty good. I got a job lead from my mentor and just followed up. It would be a great position, a perfect step up, good pay, central location, and working with some folks I know at a premier organization. Just what I'm looking for. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I think it would be a really great thing.

And I heard from my professional development group chair (I volunteer for an organization still) and she talked about which committees I want to serve on this year. I am totally open, and I just talked to someone else about a coordinator position which might be nice.

So, everything is fine. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm just grumpy because I got 4 hours of sleep. I don't know.

Cranky pants

So it's the time of night when I get grouchy. It's part of the depression, really. I get cranky with everything. But come on, how f*&%ng long does it take to make up your mind whether or not I have a job, and to notify me! I interviewed with some people in early November and still haven't heard a yes or no! Any place that wouldn't keep me updated is a place I don't want to work.

The job I really want said they wouldn't get back to me till January. They're all on vacation till after the holidays, and so no one is even in the office. God damnit. I just want to know: do I have a job? Do I have to keep looking? Can I move?

I'm still looking. I've applied to 2 things just today (one of which I realized later that I messed up the cover letter - damn). But I hate that I can't get an apartment till I know where I'm working and have the money. I just want a place of my own! I just need to get the hell out of my childhood bed and get my stuff back. Grrrrr.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

It's a week till Christmas. I love when you come around, all jolly and pulled by reindeer. I love that you have elves working for you to build toys for all the good little girls and boys. I believe in you, Santa. You could be my higher power.

I just have one favor to ask of you: I need a job. I want a job. Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a job. A nice job, you see, someplace I can grow and love to be. A place where I can be jolly and content, just like your elves. Someplace kind and loving.

Dear Santa, I would like to hear from someone in the end of December or the beginning of January. I don't mind moving in the snow or going to the northeast in the winter. I know I can keep warm; that's why God invented heaters. I would really appreciate your prompt response to my inquiry. See, I can't stay here much longer. I'm bored and feeling a little claustrophobic. I'm having trouble thinking about Adam and how he wouldn't follow me somewhere. I'm having trouble relying on my family, and being too poor to buy them Christmas presents.

So, dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a job.

My head goes buzza buzza

My therapist calls it "limbo." It's that state I'm in right now where nothing is certain; where I don't really have anything, per se, I'm just holding. My life is all up in the air.

And it's true in all corners of my life. The unemployment for one. I can't really seem to find a job I want that wants me, too. I would like a nice career, but I suppose I just need someone to give me an offer before I can start being picky. And this all prevents me from settling down. Even if I'm going to stay in this area, it's got a lot of suburbs to the city, and I wouldn't know where I would be settling down. What state would I even register my car in? It's all up for grabs.

I can't really settle here, anyway, because now I'm looking all over the place for jobs. Who knows what city, what state I'll end up in. So I can't do things like get a regular hair cut person, or find an AA home group. I mean, I can do all these things, and I have, but I know they are just temporary, so I'm not holding on to them or investing much in them. It's all limbo.

And there's so much uncertainty to that. Will I be here 6 months from now still wondering why I don't have a job, and desperate enough to take any old thing that comes along? Will I be living up north? Will I be with Adam (since I'll have a year by then, and he'll have no excuse)? What does my life hold? I suppose these are the things that keep me up at night.

He missed me

Last night Adam called and said he was a block away. "I miss you. I want a hug." Alright, I said. Come on over.

I haven't seen him in about 3 weeks. I was up north for Thanksgiving, and then cross-country last week. The week in between was just crazy busy. He asked if I was passively pulling away from him, and I kind of was after the conversation we had about me loving him for the past 6 years, and after my therapist said I just needed to let go. I think I've let go. I've decided that if it happens, it happens, but if not, I need to be ok with that. I've expanded my search for a job to places that would be far from him, keeping us apart again.

It's sad, because we really love each other. He couldn't stop holding me last night, and kept kissing my forehead, or kissed my neck once. He was just getting super close to me. We even lay on my bed for a minute and cuddled. Oh, I'm so stupid. I was pulling back just fine, and then I see him and all I want to do again is be with him.

"Whatever this is, and I love you, whatever this is between us, I don't want to put all my eggs in someone else's basket. I want to be whole, first," he said. I understand. It's like they always say, you've got to love yourself before you love anyone else. But I think he's missing an opportunity. I think he's missing out on me, and perhaps he'll miss out on someone else by focusing too much on fixing everything. No one is whole - we all have pieces missing, I think.

I wonder if he would follow me this time. He's looking for new positions in his field, and I wonder if he would look for something with me. If we moved up north we could find a house really easily. We could try living together and see if we would kill each other, which I doubt. I wonder.

In the snow belt

Just had another interview, this time in a small town in the middle of nowhere, but a good job, and a Director position. It's in the same town as my little cousin, and only one hour to family, and one hour to a big city. It would be CHEAP to live in, and the high end of the salary is what I was making before, so I would be able to save a lot of money.

Sounds good, right? I love visiting up there, and it has really cool old farm houses I could live in. Hardwood floors, fireplaces, lots of room. I'm looking around and I could even find a place with a washer/dryer for under $700.

But living in the snow belt and in a small northern town? I'm not sure what the dating situation looks like up there, but I'm sure it's a small pool - though one of the premier medical schools is there, and there are at least 5 colleges around. Not that I'm looking for a college kid, but that means professors.

It's something I would have to think about more, and this City job would let me know before I'd hear back from the small town job, anyway. So if I have a smaller number of options, I might just take it (if they offer it to me). We shall see.

Directionless?

I just saw a tweet that said, "Pay close attention to the direction that you are heading, it’s probably where you will end up." It made me think. What direction am I pointed in? Where am I headed?

I think I'm pointing myself in the direction of a career move; back to what I was originally trained to do, and what I enjoy doing. I have applied for a million jobs in this small sector, and I've heard from a few that they want to interview me. But I'm going to be picky. The one in the City looks like the best one right now. All the others are either just jobs - something I know I can do and do well, but that is a little boring.

Where else am I pointing myself? Where are you pointing you?

Unemployment rocks

Apparently I'll end up just as satisfied with life after unemployment as I was beforehand. I really hope not. I'm much more satisfied with life unemployed. Sure, there are tons of hardships and life is really uncertain, but it's better than working in a job you hate and struggling to get up in the morning.

There's nothing worse than hating what you do. When you have to get up in the morning and force yourself not to call in sick, there's something wrong. When you lose your job and feel nothing but relief, there was something wrong there.

I knew the job was bad the moment I walked in. My first manager turned out to be a micromanager who treated me more like an assistant than the manager I was. She would walk past the filing cabinet to put something that needed filing on my desk. How condescending. My second manager was fantastic, but spent most of her time out of the office. And we all know how my last manager worked. Crazy old man.

So it was a total relief to get out of there. I had been trying for months to get back to this coast, and it seemed to be working. I was getting interviews, and had a really good prospect. But unfortunately, that fell through at the last minute.

So here I am, unemployed and feeling pretty satisfied with the changes I've made in the past year, and hopeful for a great start to the new year.

In the City, ahhh ahhhh

Just had a great interview with the job in the City. It seems like a great position, building a team from the ground up. I like coming in to new departments and being able to start something that is mine. It also seems like a great organization. I also like that she didn't balk when I gave her my salary requirements.

They're looking to fill the position immediately - like by the end of the year, but I've heard that before. If they call me in for an interview, I would be able to get up there and look for apartments as well. Most of them call for a credit check, so maybe I should get that done now. I hope my credit is still good. I've been delinquent on some credit card payments lately, and I hope it hasn't bummed me down too much.

It's tough when you're moving and you aren't sure about the job yet. It would be tough to try to find a place and not know anything for sure. I don't want to go unless I'm positive that's the place I'm going to work. I need to take out some money, too, if I'm going to pay first and last months rent. Jesus, this process is just getting expensive!

Health insurance and jobs

I just canceled the "health insurance" I have, which as you know from previous posts, doesn't do anything. It is a prescription discount card, which discounted my $2,000 medication by $200. Still completely unaffordable. So instead of paying $200 a month for "insurance" I'll pay $967 every 3 months for prescriptions. It all about evens out, huh? Still highway robbery. I'd better get a job soon, or I'll run out of credit card space.

Speaking of money and jobs, I have 3 more interviews this week. One in the City, and one in two in a nearby northern state. One is close to my family up north, but far from any major town. It would be a tough dating situation, and I'm not sure I would want to do it. The other is at a premier organization, in a cool town, near my uncle.

I've had so many job interviews this year, and I just wish one of them would pan out. I'd like the ones farther away, I think. Not that this town isn't awesome, but the more I think about it, the better it was to be a little farther away from home. I love the people here, but it really does obligate me to spend a lot of time with them, and a lot of energy chasing my old friends.

We'll see!

Rockin the pjs

Why are phone interviews still so nerve wracking? I mean, really, I'm going to sit here in my pjs with my hair all funky, probably before even brushing my teeth, and I'm going to put on my fake happy voice and talk about how professional I am. I might even still be lying in bed while it happens. So why am I up at 3am worrying about it?

Because I think this one sounds good. And because I'm always a nervous person. This job would be at a sober living foundation in the City, which would be great on a number of planes. I have always wanted to work in mental health, and that's about as close as I can come without being a therapist. I would be working for people who are trying to get their lives back together, and helping them do so by providing resources. How amazing. I'm always looking to work at a place with a great mission, and this one has it.

Also, I would get to move (again!) to a really cool place. I've never really given much thought to living there, but now that I'm thinking about it, it's pretty exciting. It's still close to home, and I have friends who live there or nearby already, so it wouldn't be like when I moved clear cross-country and knew no one. Although that was fun, too.

So I'm nervous. I'd like to get to know this woman a little and see if I could work with her. I don't know anyone who knows this foundation or the people who work there, so no go on the networking. I really don't want to take just another job, especially if I'm moving away from the security nest. I want a career. I want a place I can stay at least 5 years. How can you tell from an interview whether it's a real job or not? No idea.

My last job, I went in there with two pages of typed out questions I wanted to ask, and they all seemed to be answered satisfactorily. And look how that one turned out. Maybe I need a little help with the interview process. I know how to make myself look great, but how do I cut through their bs and find out who they really are? Maybe there lies the hub of my nerves.