Anne and the very bad day

Sometimes you've got to dig deep and grab that small part of you that might be excited, and hold on to it. I had interviews number 30 and 31 the other day, and I just don't care. People ask how they went, and I don't know. It's all the same. They're just like all the others that didn't call me back. I'm just feeling jaded. And then Adam and I got into a fight, my dad told me I should never show my tattoos around him, and I lost my contact in my eye. All petty shit, right? But it builds up.

So let's dissect this: my dad basically told me to keep pretending to be something I'm not while I'm with him. He doesn't like the real me - the one covered in tattoos. It's not like I ever curse around him or do anything else I do with others, but pretending to be the "good girl" forever sucks while it's 94 degrees and you have to wear a sweater to cover up your tattoo. Why can't he accept and love me for who I am? That's a hard lesson I just had to learn, and part of the reason I moved cross-country last time. It just makes me want to run away again.

Adam and I got in a fight. He said he was going to come up north with me for the week, and then bailed because he got a better offer. I don't blame him for bailing - he was asked to do something really cool and special - but he does this a lot. "I'll call you back," and then it's weeks before you hear from him. "I'm coming out," and then you don't know his travel plans till the day before, or even if he's coming or not. It's selfish to keep your plans to yourself. I think the biggest part, besides the not being able to plan around his word, is that I get excited to see him and then he bails at the last minute. Sure, he shows up when there's trouble, and I can always count on him then, but I think it's because he likes the chaos. When it's just he and I, I can never trust that he's coming. I don't deserve to be treated like that. I don't know how to talk to him about it because he just wasn't hearing me before.

And that's pretty much it. I'm just frustrated and a little disappointed in people.

I'm ok, you're ok

I just got an email from a place I interviewed and she had the nicest compliment for me. "I thought you were very grounded and genuinely happy (which is actually hard to come by these days) and you seemed flexible and likely to get along well with just about anyone." Genuinely happy, huh? Man, I'm a good actress!

But I suppose I am generally ok. I'm an optimistic person, and I like to look at the bright side of everything. I suppose that keeps me on the happier side. I have been able to be pretty ok with everything that's happening in my life and the world despite it's challenges. I suppose I could add resilient to all that above.

Maybe it's modern pharmaceuticals, maybe it's me, maybe it's a combination of both.

Number 23

I had another interview this morning with a place I used to work a long time ago. It's a great company with a great mission, but it has it's fair share of problems. The woman I interviewed with assured me that a lot has changed in the past few years. They have stronger leadership, and a better strategic plan. I sure hope so. I don't know if I would work there, but I think I might. I liked it, despite it's faults.

Haven't heard anything from the northern job today. She's supposed to get in touch with me about some work I did for her as an example. Hopefully she liked it. I did hear from a place I interviewed with 6 months ago and they then had to take the position down. They were doing some restructuring. They called to say I was last times' top candidate, and would I like to reapply. I suppose I might as well.

So I suppose I'll just sit here and send out more resumes. I totally lost track of how many of those I've sent out. It's got to be a ridiculous number at this point. I mean, 3 cities, hundreds of jobs? Amazing I've ONLY had 23 interviews. Only.

A raise of confidence

So I think my interview up north went well. It was freezing there, but that's fine by me. I'd rather cold weather than hot. I met with 6 people in 4 different meetings throughout the afternoon. I met with the women who would be my boss and her boss, and the people I would be managing. They all seemed like interesting and nice folks, and the people I would be managing showed just how frustrated they are. It would be my job to raise morale a bit, and make their lives a little easier. I think I could do it. I'm really good at fighting for what I think is right and supporting other people. I think that would translate into great management.

And then I lose my confidence for a minute and freak out. I checked the job boards this morning and that job popped up as recently posted. I don't know if that's a sign, or if HR just posted it not knowing I'd come in already. But it makes me nervous. So I applied to 3 more jobs just in case.

The other job around here I should hear from this week, and I hope they say no. I really don't want to work there, but I feel like I can't turn it down. I'm getting back to settled in this life (as in, I've stopped freaking out that I have to get out of here now), and so I hope I can be a little picky. I don't want a job I don't even like going into it.

What to do?

Flying in

I'm feeling nervous about tomorrows interview, so I bought some shoes. I know, I know. I'm unemployed and my state check hasn't come yet, so I'm broke, but shoes make everything better. They're cute little pumps in a light grey color that will nicely compliment a few pieces I have. I swear, I looked in my closet first to see what I "needed." Granted, 90% of my shoes are in storage, but I went by memory. I also got some brown flats. I have grey and black, and you can never have too many flats.

I'm flying up north tomorrow for the interview and I've really put a lot of psychic energy into it. I don't want the job I interviewed for yesterday. Well, I'll take it, but I'm not quite sure it's the best fit. But hell, sometimes you never know. It could be the best job ever.

But this job up north seems like a better job, though the pay is probably less. I would get to move to a new city where I know a couple people and spread my wings again. I feel so stifled here, like I already have a persona and I need to live up (or down) to it. I feel like people think they know me and expect certain behaviors. I just want to be me. I want to throw parties for random holidays. I want to stay in and, well, can't cuddle with the dog anymore, but you know, watch baseball or something.

So I have a lot riding on how much they like me, and how quickly they can move. I think I'll hear from the other place next week or the week after, and so it's going to be a big decision. I'm not sure they'll take me, but if they ask I'll have to say yes. I need out of this apartment, whether it's one town up or 4 states.

Now my pants fit

The painting and reorganizing of the apartment never seems to stop. My dad's stuff is still all in his storage, and he thinks it'll be a month before things move back in. I have got to got to get out of here.

So I went out to buy a suit today: a plain black, boring suit in the size I actually am now, not was 6 months ago. It's very depressing. I went to the gym and weighed myself and I've gained 16 pounds since I've been unemployed. "Part of that is just winter weight," says Julie, but it's still weight I have to lose.

Pants. So I had to buy pants two sizes up in order for them to fit. Sigh. I found a nice grey suit and a nice black suit, and then I rebelled and bought a black blazer that has a knit pattern on it. It's neat looking and not boring, but it's black and could be conservative. We'll see. The pants are just black. Works for me.

I got another call back from the place I met with last week. This will be interview number 3 with them, interview #21 in general. I don't care about the job anymore, I just need to be working. This job sounds horribly boring, the commute is 2 metro changes and $4.50 each way, and they all seem stiff and conservative. But I don't care. I don't have any other options, and I have to get out. I can't keep living here.

Nice to meet you

Apparently panic attacks and job interviews go well together. The interview I had the other week where I was shaking and a mess? They called me back for a second interview. I think it's the writing test I did. If anything, I can write under pressure. I can't find the job description online again, but I think it was just fine. I'll ask for a paper copy, perhaps.

The job would be here in the area, though on the other side of the city. I would either have to live close to work in a place I hate (I just can't stand the area around the organization), or I could live around here and deal with a shitty commute. I think if they offer it I'm just going to take it. I need to move out, and it's a good job.

Let's get past the next interview, first.

Hiring time

I've had two more interviews in the past 24 hours, which I think brings me up to 17 or 18 interviews in the 4 months I've been unemployed. That has to be some kind of record. I mean, really, that many interviews and no offers whatsoever? Perhaps my interview skills are crappy. I thought they were pretty good. Maybe I need to come up with better questions to ask people.

One of the interviews was a second interview with a place up north. It's a premier organization, and I would really like to work for them. About moving: I thought about it, and I would love to move again. I really don't have much here but family and Adam, and I ignore most of my family because they drive me nuts. The longer I'm here the more I remember why I moved 3,000 miles away in the first place.

Grip the wheel

The world is so big and bright; so many moving pieces and parts. The cockpit of the car is gigantic. I slide in and try to make a little space for myself behind the steering wheel. Breathe. Breathe. Find radio station.

I don't know where I'm going. The GPS shouts out directions and, even though I'm going below the speed limit, I miss my turn, again. I circle back. There has to be an easier way. I'd never find my way here in the dark. I can barely find my way in the light.

A panel; great. The 5 of them sit there, looking at me, asking those stupid interview questions everyone asks. They present scenarios and ask me what I would do. I answer as best I can, but I'm shaking. "Um, and then, um," I stumble. I can't get my sentences together. I'm still shaking.

The parking lot has ice on it. GPS back on. Home, Jeeves. The cockpit breathes in and swells; it's too big in here. There's no way this car is fitting in a lane. Breathe, breathe.

My fingers are swollen, rings don't fit. I'm nervous, full of anxiety. Energy, but not the kind that is going to get me to the gym. So I eat. Fill my face with cereal and peanut butter. Make it go away.

Just read the list

Why? Seriously? Why do I have to have another interview? I just got a call to have an interview next week ("It'll be an hour but save some time after for the writing sample.") for a great position. So why do I have to feel like this? And to have to do a writing test? I'm having trouble typing and making sense on my own blog! I can't possibly make sense to a panel of academics! Jesus. I'm in trouble.

No, I'm fine. I just need to calm down about it. Everything is going to be fine.

I don't know what to do with myself right now. I took more Seroquel, and I know if I lie down I'll be able to rest, but I'm up and getting panicky. I have a few hours before therapy, and I'm just sitting here reading articles. Of course, I can only read the first sentence of every paragraph before it gets too confusing to continue, so a lot of them don't make sense. But this one did: "Top 10 Cracks that Crack and Other Addicts Fall Through on Their Way to Recovery." It's just a list of stuff that can trip you up in early sobriety. I was going to write a post around it, but I lost the point.

A 24 hour world

I wonder if the gym is open? It might be best to do something like that right now, now that I can't sleep. I was lying down for about two hours just dreaming and listening to music, but once the playlist ended I just couldn't seem to stay down. And now I'm up, wandering the internet. I gave up and grabbed a diet Coke, too. Apparently there were some stashed under my dad's diet Pepsi's. I thought we were out.

I have another interview tomorrow. It's a second interview with a place that I like, and where the people seem really chill. I think it would be a nice place to work, it's close to here, next to a metro stop, and there's supposed to be a noon meeting around the neighborhood somewhere. What more could you ask for, right? I don't know the pay scale, but I assume it's ok since it's a big organization. They are usually better about that sort of thing. My first interview with them was 2 weeks ago, so at least they're moving relatively quickly.

I called and canceled my meds order. I'm just going to send them back when they get here. I hate that I have so much to do but it's 2:30am and no one else is up to take phone calls or cut my hair. If only the world worked for insomniacs and day sleepers. I don't know what people who work at night and have to sleep all day do. Adam used to have a schedule like that, but he had weekdays off, so that's a little better. Everyone is open on weekdays.

I'm so lazy

I went back to bed. When my dad got home from his walk he came in and woke me up. "Anne, you've been in bed all day!" "I know," I said, "But I took that Seroquel." Which is totally true. I've been so sleepy all day. I just want to lie down, still. I should really go for a run. I still have my running clothes on.

Good news! I have an interview in the new year, and a phone interview sometime this or next week (he asked when I was available). The one in the new year is for something I wouldn't be as enthusiastic about, but it's something I've done before and it's a step in the right direction.

There I am getting my hopes up again. I already had 11 interviews and nothing has come from any of them, and now I'm getting my hopes up about 2 little interviews, one just a phone interview. I don't want to get all excited, but they're both here near everyone I want to be close to. I would love the job up north, but one of the jobs here is the same title and more money. So we'll see. Hopefully the new year will bring something great, and soon!

Cranky pants

So it's the time of night when I get grouchy. It's part of the depression, really. I get cranky with everything. But come on, how f*&%ng long does it take to make up your mind whether or not I have a job, and to notify me! I interviewed with some people in early November and still haven't heard a yes or no! Any place that wouldn't keep me updated is a place I don't want to work.

The job I really want said they wouldn't get back to me till January. They're all on vacation till after the holidays, and so no one is even in the office. God damnit. I just want to know: do I have a job? Do I have to keep looking? Can I move?

I'm still looking. I've applied to 2 things just today (one of which I realized later that I messed up the cover letter - damn). But I hate that I can't get an apartment till I know where I'm working and have the money. I just want a place of my own! I just need to get the hell out of my childhood bed and get my stuff back. Grrrrr.

Change is fantastic

2010 = Change.

It all began on my birthday, really, not in January. Of course, that was only 2 months later. It began with a trip. I decided that in honor of the 30th year of my birth, I would take the time to treat myself. I gathered my resources and flew off to Europe to spend 2 weeks gallivanting around Switzerland, Austria, and Paris. I rented an apartment in Paris for a week and got to know the city in a way only a local can do. I got lost, I found treats, and I made sure to do all the touristy things I'd never done before. I walked the hell out of Paris.

By May I'd decided that alcohol was no longer a good influence on my life, and it had to go. I took that final step, and instead of drunkenly complaining about alcohol, I soberly took a pledge to stop drinking, and to seek help. I found the local AA meetings, got a sponsor, and started to take the steps seriously. I worked through the first 4, and gained a little serenity.

And then September. Oh, September. I lost my job. Fired, laid off, it's all the same. Whatever it was, it left me with a sense of relief, and yet a sense of pain and confusion. What a blow to the ego to lose your source of income and identification! What's the first question people ask? What do you do. And now I have to say: nothing. I job hunt. But again, a relief.

September also brought a big cross-country move, precipitated by the fact that I couldn't pay my rent without a job. I became a boomerang kid, and moved back in with my dad. I joined another group of statistics. It hasn't been bad - in fact, he's easy to live with.

In November I decided to gather another vice and throw it off the Anne train. Smoking had to go. After 15 years of half a pack a day, it was time to quit. And so I let go. I smoked my last cigarette on the 21st of November, and I haven't looked back.

It's the middle of December, and I've had over 10 interviews for new jobs. Will 2010 bring about another move and a new job, or will that be 2011? Whatever happens, 2010 will still be the best year of my life.

In the City, ahhh ahhhh

Just had a great interview with the job in the City. It seems like a great position, building a team from the ground up. I like coming in to new departments and being able to start something that is mine. It also seems like a great organization. I also like that she didn't balk when I gave her my salary requirements.

They're looking to fill the position immediately - like by the end of the year, but I've heard that before. If they call me in for an interview, I would be able to get up there and look for apartments as well. Most of them call for a credit check, so maybe I should get that done now. I hope my credit is still good. I've been delinquent on some credit card payments lately, and I hope it hasn't bummed me down too much.

It's tough when you're moving and you aren't sure about the job yet. It would be tough to try to find a place and not know anything for sure. I don't want to go unless I'm positive that's the place I'm going to work. I need to take out some money, too, if I'm going to pay first and last months rent. Jesus, this process is just getting expensive!

Health insurance and jobs

I just canceled the "health insurance" I have, which as you know from previous posts, doesn't do anything. It is a prescription discount card, which discounted my $2,000 medication by $200. Still completely unaffordable. So instead of paying $200 a month for "insurance" I'll pay $967 every 3 months for prescriptions. It all about evens out, huh? Still highway robbery. I'd better get a job soon, or I'll run out of credit card space.

Speaking of money and jobs, I have 3 more interviews this week. One in the City, and one in two in a nearby northern state. One is close to my family up north, but far from any major town. It would be a tough dating situation, and I'm not sure I would want to do it. The other is at a premier organization, in a cool town, near my uncle.

I've had so many job interviews this year, and I just wish one of them would pan out. I'd like the ones farther away, I think. Not that this town isn't awesome, but the more I think about it, the better it was to be a little farther away from home. I love the people here, but it really does obligate me to spend a lot of time with them, and a lot of energy chasing my old friends.

We'll see!

Rockin the pjs

Why are phone interviews still so nerve wracking? I mean, really, I'm going to sit here in my pjs with my hair all funky, probably before even brushing my teeth, and I'm going to put on my fake happy voice and talk about how professional I am. I might even still be lying in bed while it happens. So why am I up at 3am worrying about it?

Because I think this one sounds good. And because I'm always a nervous person. This job would be at a sober living foundation in the City, which would be great on a number of planes. I have always wanted to work in mental health, and that's about as close as I can come without being a therapist. I would be working for people who are trying to get their lives back together, and helping them do so by providing resources. How amazing. I'm always looking to work at a place with a great mission, and this one has it.

Also, I would get to move (again!) to a really cool place. I've never really given much thought to living there, but now that I'm thinking about it, it's pretty exciting. It's still close to home, and I have friends who live there or nearby already, so it wouldn't be like when I moved clear cross-country and knew no one. Although that was fun, too.

So I'm nervous. I'd like to get to know this woman a little and see if I could work with her. I don't know anyone who knows this foundation or the people who work there, so no go on the networking. I really don't want to take just another job, especially if I'm moving away from the security nest. I want a career. I want a place I can stay at least 5 years. How can you tell from an interview whether it's a real job or not? No idea.

My last job, I went in there with two pages of typed out questions I wanted to ask, and they all seemed to be answered satisfactorily. And look how that one turned out. Maybe I need a little help with the interview process. I know how to make myself look great, but how do I cut through their bs and find out who they really are? Maybe there lies the hub of my nerves.

In business for yourself

A friend of mine is also unemployed (actually, I know a few of them) and he just ordered business cards. "What do they say, Shawn? Unemployed hot mess?" Well, apparently no, but they do say what Shawn wants to be doing for a living, and has his contact information. Interesting. I had thought about that before, so I decided to just go for it.

It was $100 for 150 cards and a card holder. They just say my name up front, and then on the back say my contact info, name, what I want to do, and my LinkedIn address. I thought it would be good to stick that on there, and now I've got to go clean it up a bit, and make sure I keep it updated.

I think I'll bring them to the conference I'm going to in a few weeks, and make sure to pass them out. I can also give them to people with whom I interview. It's nice to just stick in people's minds, and it will be good to even just sit on people's desks as a reminder that I'm looking for a job. And if I get a job soon, I can always keep them for just in case, or if I don't want people to have my professional card. For $100, I think it was a good investment.

Ahh, the tests

"Chemical detox can mess up our sleep cycles. When our bodies get rid of the chemicals we’ve ingested for so long—whether nicotine, alcohol or drugs; street drugs or prescription drugs—our neurological systems need time to heal. And one of the cycles governed by the healing neurological system is the sleep-wake cycle."

She's talking about co-dependency and how that can break up your sleep cycle, too. I wonder what's getting my sleep all funky. I get up every hour, and slept until 2 today. I haven't tried to give up smoking yet, so it can't be the nicotine coming out. Maybe I'm back to being unhappy about being fired. I was enjoying this interview process, but sometimes it just gets to me.

Today I had to fill out some online tests for Excel, Word, Powerpoint, and other MS Office products. What am I, an administrative assistant? (Resentments!) I didn't do so hot on them, either, cause it's been 3 month since I've done any of that stuff, and you just get rusty.

I was thinking about the job I took the tests for, too. The guy sounds like a jerk. The way the headhunter was talking about what questions he was going to ask and what his focus is, just made it sound like an iffy job. I don't know if I want to take a job where I'm weary just from the interview process.

I haven't heard from anyone else, and no one else has called my references. I was supposed to hear from one this week, but it's 4:30 on a Thursday, so I think that's a no-go. If I hear from them on a Friday it just wouldn't seem like good. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

Well, that went well

Well, the interview went well. I called my references after and said they'd be calling, and by the time I got home they had called. I think that's a good sign. What's hilarious is it would be a competitor of a place I used to work! I hated the place I used to work (this was a few jobs ago) and it would just be fun to work for someone who can actually accomplish the work they set out to do.

And the salary.... So tempting.

But I don't want to take a job just based on the salary. It would be an interesting position, with great opportunities for professional growth and travel, but not the most fun mission in the world. I would be dealing with people who are really interested in the long term health of the company, so that's a bonus, too. We'll see how it all goes. Hopefully I'll have some options, but no one else has called my references.