What causes this?

Insomnia can be caused by any number of things including anxiety, depression, mania, medications, caffeine, or just changes. Of course, my life is full of all of these. So how to pinpoint the cause? I suppose I could say it started when I changed my medication, so the most likely culprit is the Celexa. But I'm also really anxious about the job situation this week, and feeling my depression more. So who the hell knows what it is? All I know is I can't sleep.

I'm sure I'll be tired tomorrow and then want to take a nap because I have nothing to do with my day. And then I'll sleep for an hour and feel great, and not sleep again tomorrow night. But my body feels fine without sleep. Which is worrisome. That's always a mania sign. But I'm not impulsive or destructive, so I don't think mania is here, or coming. I think I'm just... awake.

And the bigger problem is that now that everyone else is asleep and I'm alone to stare at the computer, I just want to eat. I'm not hungry, but the kitchen is calling me. Boredom eating. Blech. And there's nothing good in there, anyway. Just some rice and yogurt. Don't do it, Anne.

Do your drugs really work?

"Americans are less than 5% of the world's population, yet they consume 66% of the world's psychological medications."

That's a lot of us drugged up on Prozac and Xanax and the like. But do these meds even work? According to this article, they work 25% of the time. As much as a placebo does. Yet we're paying millions of dollars a year for them, and risking complications like permanent involuntary movements and heart disease. Psychiatry has changed from one of care and do no harm to drug and don't care about it. Who knows what we're really taking in with these medications!

I'm not saying stop taking them. I'm going to keep taking mine. They're the only thing between me and a horrible depression, and I'm much happier risking losing a few years to heart disease than dying now because of depression.

Enter the dating world

Ugh oh. I think I might be dating.

I don't want to be dating. I don't want a relationship. I thought I did, for a while, but I really feel like my life is in too much chaos at this point for anything else. And I don't know about opening myself up to someone again. It takes so much energy. I don't mind it, but I get really intense without meaning to. I suppose relationships make me manic in the beginning, and then I get cranky. I know my pattern, and I need to change it.

The double dose of Celexa has also killed my sex drive, and so has gaining weight. I don't particularly feel like having sex any time soon. Whatever. I'm so blase.

Anyway, so I went to breakfast and a museum with a guy on Saturday, thinking I'm making a new friend. Now, he wants to tell me that he's in the middle of a divorce "before you find out from Facebook." Why would I care unless he thinks we're dating, right? I'll have to set him straight soon. I don't want to date right now, but I am in need of friends. Damn. Why is life so complicated?

And you know what he just told me? His divorce is because of her "descent into alcoholism." I told him I don't drink, but not that I was in AA. I wonder how he'd feel. I wonder if he'd freak that I'm bipolar. Life.

Why am I so sleepy?

I wonder if it's the weather. Or traveling. Sometimes traveling makes me tired. All I want to do is nap, and I can nap. I can actually lie down and fall asleep for an hour and then be fine, but within 3 hours I'm tired again. It could be the Celexa or even the Abilify. Though I figure the side effects should have worn off by now. It's been a month. And it's only random tiredness. Some days I'm fine. But I'm tired more often than not.

But, of course, I can't sleep at night. I mean, I sleep, but it takes me hours to fall asleep. In the middle of the day I'm out like a light, but at night I just lie there and think. Perhaps that's the real reason I'm tired when I get up. And of course, I've messed up my entire sleep system now. Sigh.

Serotonin syndrome

Never look up the drug interactions for stuff you're taking. It just leads to paranoia. Apparently, lithium and Celexa together can increase your risk for serotonin syndrome. What the hell is that? You say. It sounds awful, and can kill you, but it's basically just overdose. So how do you avoid it? Keep those levels of lithium in check and monitor your symptoms.

I'm not going to check out the interactions between Celexa and anything else. I have a feeling I shouldn't be taking stuff like Benedryl, but I do love Benedryl. It's the only thing that keeps me sane in the spring. I'll just have to watch for signs of something ominous.

Lithium in the body

I was sitting here wondering if lithium has an effect on the liver, and I came across an interesting discussion on lithium and alcohol. Apparently the only real effect it has is that you can get dehydrated by alcohol and that can raise the lithium levels in your body. So basically, stay hydrated.

It's funny; the last time I was on lithium I was taking LSD about once a week and smoking pot as much as possible. I never combined lithium and LSD on the same day (I usually didn't take my meds on the weekends), because I was afraid of what would happen. The one time I forgot and combined them I almost died. I suppose it was smart of me to not combine. Now, I have so many drugs to think about and no illegals to combine with.

Oh, and no, lithium works through the kidneys. It's a salt (duh), and comes and goes through the renal system. They check your thyroid and kidneys for functioning because it works through both of those and can have dangerous side effects.

The thyroid part of that really makes me nervous. Both my mom and my dad's mom have thyroid problems, so I'm guessing it's just a matter of time before mine goes haywire. And of course, I have to take the drug that messes with it.

Life stages

Where do you go when you don't know what you want or what direction you're headed in?

After 4 or so months of being home I'm realizing a few things: I did miss the snow; I've got to live on my own again soon; and I moved away from home for a reason. I picked up and moved across the country for a few good reasons: my mom makes me insane; there are. Lot of bad memories here; Adam. I love him, I do, but... I don't know. Its like having a controlling older brother. He just makes me want to rebel.

There's a job here that I think they're going to offer me, and I think I'm going to turn them down. All I want is to be working, but there's a few things here (it's the day of semi-colons!): my mentor thinks I would be bored at this job; I think I wouldn't want to stay in it more than 2 years, and part of my career hopes are to stay in a job longer than that; and it's the part of my field I find too easy to occupy myself. I do get bored doing that kind of work after a while, and it's not as creative a job as I hoped. I think it would be a great job, and I could be happy until I got bored, and my resume shows that only takes about a year.

So I don't know. It seems like I'm pointed north for a few years. I would love to try out a new city; someplace to call my own. I do need to acknowledge a few more things with semi-colons: I'm in a really transitional place in my life right now and I don't know what I'm doing; and I think I'm a bit manic. Thank you Abilify! It makes me feel so much better. But usually I get the urge to move and cut my hair when I get manic, and all weekend I've been thinking about chopping off my hair again. Pixie cut = mania; always. One time in college I pretty much shaved my head. Boy, was I high! I had a great time that summer.

Everything is so up in the air. I wish I knew what was going to happen, but I think I'm just going to have to wing it.

It's all Greek to me

"Akathisia, or acathisia, is a syndrome characterized by unpleasant sensations of 'inner' restlessness that manifests itself with an inability to sit still or remain motionless."

I told the doctor yesterday that I couldn't keep my legs still. "I'm moving my foot all the time." He said it was the Zyprexa, but I just looked it up and it's a side effect of the Abilify as well. So I'm twitchy. I can't keep my feet or legs still for a minute. I'm constantly swinging my foot or tapping my toes or stomping. It's weird, but kind of funny at the same time. It's like having a ton of nervous energy that I'm trying to get out.

I'm full, today, but I still want to eat. Why? Because I eat when I'm hyped up in order to calm myself down. But I'm trying to be better about eating so much, so what did I do? I had a Red Bull. I know, I know. I have a caffeine problem. I drink way too much of it, but give me a break. I've gotten rid of the rest of my bad habits. I don't even bite my nails anymore. Let me have my caffeine.

Stuffing my face. Again

I.Can't. Stop. Eating.

It's killing me. I've been tracking on Weight Watchers, and I used up all my points by 6pm. What did I eat? Nothing bad for me. Oatmeal, a salad with a little chicken on it, a shit ton of bananas, a bag of broccoli and cauliflower, yogurt, some cheese, and some rolls. Nothing in there screams: I am full of fat and bad calories! But it's the volume at which I'm eating. I'm just constantly eating and eating, even when I just finish something I'm washing the dish and mentally searching the fridge for what I can eat next.

I took the Abilify tonight. Hopefully the Zyprexa will be out of my system tomorrow and I can show a little self control. I have no power over the urge to eat right now. I am powerless over food. Ugh. That's depressing.

I have to go out of town tomorrow until Sunday morning. I'm going where it's snowy and cold, and flat and boring: Ohio. I have nothing against people who live there, but it's one of the states I would never want to live in and sure as hell wouldn't visit on purpose. It's not a vacation kinda state. I'm going for a conference of sorts, that will be good networking for me. But they'll feed us all day long, and at this rate I'll be eating really gross and heavy foods in bulk instead of sticking with the good for you foods I'm eating now. I'm so hoping this insatiable hunger goes away before then.

I probably won't write on Saturday unless they have free WiFi at the hotel.

Sanity comes with a price tag

"Well, would you rather be sane and fat or psychotic again?"

That's the first time he's used the word psychotic. He used it again later in the conversation in reference to how I was the last time I saw him, exactly a week ago. Suicidal, having delusions of things out to get me, anxious, depressed, amped, and crawling out of my skin. Psychotic. It hadn't occurred to me that it could have gotten that far. I mean, I wasn't jumping off the balcony, but I was thinking about it a lot. I wasn't seeing ghosts, yet. But he called me psychotic. He's the doctor.

"I'd rather not be fat," I said. "I lost 40lbs last year and I feel like the Zyprexa has made me gain 10 back. I can't fit into my pants. It's going to make me depressed."

So, we compromised: back on the Abilify. He had some in the magic closet, so I got a months worth of free stash. I start tonight; out with the Zyprexa. The Abilify before didn't cause any side effects and it almost immediately popped me out of that depression, so I'm hoping it keeps me moving in the right direction. And that I'll stop with this insane craving to eat; to chew. It really is a compulsion that I can't control. I start to shake if I don't eat for 2 hours or longer. I've just been grazing for days, like a goat. Bloated goat.

"Ok, I'll see you in three weeks, but you call me if anything happens, ok?"

Did you know that without insurance it's $85 for a 15 minute visit to your psychiatrist? I think that's on the cheap side, too. But hell, it's less than what I would pay for that much Abilify.

"Thanks, doc."

Pop another pill

This is totally how I'm feeling. A little more Zyprexa, maybe convince the doc I need some Valium for the panic attacks. A little something to get me through this. I'm just feeling awful.

Well, that's not true. I didn't have an attack yesterday, and I actually left the house for meditation with Adam. I didn't freak out or anything. I feel... flat. I'm still agitated, but less so. My head is killing me, too. I wish I could just feel better.

To tell the truth

"No, really, how are you?" he asks again.

"How am I? I'm stuck living with my dad in a cramped apartment full of his stuff (he's a bit of a collector), he's moving it all around to get ready to lay down new floors and he keeps coming into my room and moving shit. I have no privacy. I'm a thirty year-old woman with no privacy.

I'm living on the support of the state through unemployment because it's been 5 months and I can't seem to find a job. It doesn't matter that I've had 17 interviews at this point; no one seems to want to hire me, and I feel like my brain is wasting away.

My med situation is all fucked up, and now I've got these awesome side effects like weight gain, bloating, and serious irritability. I'm irritable. I'm angry. I'm scared that nothing is going to change and I'm going to be right where I am this time next year. I'll never get on my feet again. I know it's not true: something has to give. But I'm fucking miserable. All the gratitude lists and positive thinking in the world can suck it. My life sucks. And I can't fucking stop eating.

That's how I feel."

"You're better this week," he says. "You've got a fight in you you didn't have before." Right. Cause I'm at least not suicidal. I'm just angry.

Smack, smack, pop

I hate chewing gum. There's nothing enjoyable about it for me. In fact, it kind of hurts. See, I have TMJ also, which causes your jaw to click when you eat or yawn (and in big, crazy French-kissing). It's annoying, but doesn't cause too much pain. Anyway, it's aggravated by chewing, so chewing gum is nothing but an annoyance.

But I'm doing it anyway. I have to stop eating. I told myself today I was going to be good and not eat so much, but then off I went and ate just as much as any other day. It's just little things; one after the other. I haven't had a proper meal since last Thursday when I went over to my mom's house.

So I bought some gum, and here I am chewing away. I like blowing bubbles, and thank God I'm alone here or I wouldn't be able to blow them. It's kind of rude to do in public, I think. Gum chewing is just gross in general. Chew, chew, chew, smack, smack, smack. Ugh. But perhaps it will keep me from eating something else, although my mind is already wandering the store looking for something to eat.

Wittle the middle

I've been looking all morning and I can't find anything on bloating because of lithium, unless it's written in a chat format. I know other people must have this side effect, too. The bloating yesterday was absolutely out of control. My stomach was completely distended and my hands were puffy. I couldn't even fit in my shirts!

I woke up this morning and my abdomen was back to normal. I swear I lost 5 pounds overnight. I'm totally bloating back up as I stand here, though. I can feel it in my fingers. I am not digging this side effect at all. Of course, I just ate pretzel sticks, which can't be good for me; all that salt.

Am trying not to eat all day today. It's hard to convince myself I don't need to eat when I'm starving to death over here. I had a muffin, a banana, pretzel sticks, and a wedge of cheese and I feel so incredibly hungry! I know I shouldn't be. I wish I had woken up earlier and had cereal. Might have lasted longer than that little muffin did.

The grocery store temps me....

Bloated goat

Julie and I went over some of the characteristics of mania and depression again tonight. "Sounds like mania, a little, but you have some of the depressive qualities, too. Maybe it's the meds?" she said. I don't know. I've been feeling agitated since before I started on the meds. Thursday was my first panic, and I didn't start the new meds till Thursday at bed time.

So what is it? Do I have to put a label on how I feel? Can I just say I feel extremely agitated, irritable, ansty, unnerved, like everyone can see just how messed up I am. I feel like I can't stop eating no matter how much I don't want to eat any more. I feel bloated to incredible proportions. I just feel sick. By all accounts I sound and look just fine. "You actually look much better rested this week," said Julie. Probably the awesome catatonia I fall into at night on the Zyprexa.

I want off the lithium already. I don't want to go back to doing monthly blood work and being a bloated goat, eating everything in sight. Can't I just go back on the lamictal? It has a generic, right? I think it was still $100 at CVS. I need to price these things out. And what the hell is the Celexa doing? It's the antidepressant, and I suppose I'm not suicidal anymore, but that could be the Zyprexa. Jesus. If I can't tell and I'm with me all the time, how is the doc supposed to figure it out in 15 minutes?

Are these someone else's pants?

Ok, seriously, it's not funny anymore. I put on my jeans from yesterday and I swear they're a size smaller. I can barely get my ass in them, and there's no room whatsoever to maneuver. I used to be able to put my entire hand in the front of my pants; that's how much room I had. And that was 2 months ago, tops. What the hell?

So what do I do after putting on the pants? I eat, of course. Why am I gaining weight? Because I just can't stop shoveling food into my face. I need to just stop eating for a month and get my pants back to where I can sit here comfortably. My dad is nagging me about going to the gym, but I just don't have the mental energy to execute that. Just getting to the interview and back wiped me out, and now I have to find some energy to get to therapy.

I get back from therapy around 7:30. Maybe I'll try to work out then? I'll think about it. Maybe just thinking about it will help.

As for the anxiety: it has got to stop. I am a complete and utter mess; dancing that thin line between amped and complete and total mental breakdown. I feel like I'm going to lose it. I don't know if it's me or the meds. I had that panic on Thursday last, before I went to the doctor, and it's just getting worse. So maybe it's me. Meds do take a long time to kick in, usually, so we'll see what the doc wants me to do.

Give a dog a bone

My aunt just called. She and my dad were talking about me, and then he handed over the phone. "I hear you're in a rough patch?" Yep. I'd call it a rough patch. "Did the old meds work better for you?" she asks. I think so. I mean, I was on them for a while and everything was just normal. I wasn't depressed until I went off the Abilify, and I didn't hit suicidal till I was off the other two. So I guess they were working well.

"Why don't you just tell your doctor you want to go back on the others. Don't worry about cost. We just need to get you on the right meds for you. We'll figure out the money."

I want to cry out, "Too late!" You can't just go back on a cocktail and hope it works like it used to. Chemistry is an ever-changing beast. Who knows if it would help. And I'm not one for accepting charity. I can't let them pay $1,000 for meds for me. I need to figure this one out.

Is that stupid? I want to be on the right meds for me, too, but I don't want to put anyone out. I'm going crazy with the anxiety, though. I'm meeting again with the doctor on Thursday and hopefully we can pin down which one needs to go. I'm hoping the lithium goes, cause I hate the tremors.

Grip the wheel

The world is so big and bright; so many moving pieces and parts. The cockpit of the car is gigantic. I slide in and try to make a little space for myself behind the steering wheel. Breathe. Breathe. Find radio station.

I don't know where I'm going. The GPS shouts out directions and, even though I'm going below the speed limit, I miss my turn, again. I circle back. There has to be an easier way. I'd never find my way here in the dark. I can barely find my way in the light.

A panel; great. The 5 of them sit there, looking at me, asking those stupid interview questions everyone asks. They present scenarios and ask me what I would do. I answer as best I can, but I'm shaking. "Um, and then, um," I stumble. I can't get my sentences together. I'm still shaking.

The parking lot has ice on it. GPS back on. Home, Jeeves. The cockpit breathes in and swells; it's too big in here. There's no way this car is fitting in a lane. Breathe, breathe.

My fingers are swollen, rings don't fit. I'm nervous, full of anxiety. Energy, but not the kind that is going to get me to the gym. So I eat. Fill my face with cereal and peanut butter. Make it go away.

The irresistable urge to eat

I think the Zyprexa is giving me Binge Eating Disorder. I can not stop eating. Even while I'm eating I'm thinking about what I'm going to eat next. I just finished eating a roll and now I'm looking over the fridge in my head to see what's next. I should be full - I had an apple right before that, and I had a sandwich 3 hours ago - but I'm not. I just have an insatiable need to eat. Nothing is satisfying.

I thought maybe it was thirst, so I drank a liter of water and 3 cups of coffee. Nothing. Still feels like hunger to me. This is the mighty secret of Zyprexa. It gives you an eating disorder. It messes with that little cue system in your brain that says you're full. Even my dad commented on my eating. "That's why people gain 12 pounds in 12 days." Right he is.

And the silly thing is, I know I'm not hungry, but I can't keep myself away from food. There's an incredible gravitational pull towards the kitchen. I am powerless over it. I must eat. I don't like feeling out of control like this.

Yesterday and the day before I was using the Weight Watchers tool to track what I was eating, but today I gave up. I already know I'm overeating. I don't know how to stop it. So, I'm making a giant bowl of vegetables. At least I'm getting good food in.

But hey, at least I'm not suicidal anymore! I just traded one demon for another.

Luckily I can see without my contacts

Since I was so late this morning, I forgot to pack diet Cokes. Not a problem, right, cause I work in a grocery store? Right, but I keep spending everything I earn on snacks while I'm working. So I'm debating whether or not to buy one. I just drank a Slim Fast shake thingy that was in the cooler and it wasn't half bad. I feel like I'm still hungry, though. I also chugged a huge thing of water, and I still feel thirsty. Nothing is satisfying.

I think I'm speeding up. I still don't have the energy to do the simple things, like brush my teeth or put my contacts in, but my leg keeps tapping to imaginary music. Shake, shake, shake, goes my leg. And my legs are heavy. Walking up the stairs to the meeting last night was a difficult feat.

I've had the urge to cut today, but it's a weird urge. It doesn't have a natural progression of thought to action or even passing thought to obsession. It's just there, sitting in my brain saying hello. It's just the feeling of needing a quick punch in the arm. It's not tattoo pain I want, it's just quick and dirty.