My girl likes to sleep all the time

Well, now I think we've made the switch from insomnia to over-somnia. I just want to go back to sleep. I went to bed at 10:30 last night and didn't get up and get dressed till 1pm this afternoon. So I've been up an hour and a half and already all I want to do is go back to bed. I just don't have anything to do with myself, so what's the point? I'm just sitting here watching Facebook and Twitter.

I need to find something to do. My dad has the car, so there's no going out far, but I could go into the city and just wander. I could go to a museum. I could... none of this sounds appealing. Sleep sounds awesome. I'm not even interested in finishing my coffee, which is unheard of. I hate depression.

And to make it worse, I have 2 more interviews next week. None of which I really care about, because I just don't care anymore. And I haven't heard back from the people who promised to call this week. It's Friday, for crying out loud. At 2:30. They're not going to call. I need to stop relying on these people for my happiness. I need to find something else to do. "Live, don't just exist." says my aunt.

Depression smells like feet

Well, I finally went to sleep and then got up at 9. So that's 5 hours of sleep. At least it's something. I made it out of the house today to do some errands - I really needed face cream. I hate when my face is dry and tight. I can't stand it. It feels all greasy right now since I haven't had a shower. I also need to eat something. I've had a banana, a Fiber One bar, and some coffee. But I'm just not in the mood to eat. Of course, I have a headache. From lack of sleep, food, or whatever, but I do.

It's only 2pm and I've run out of things to do with myself. I did my errands, I checked my email. Maybe I can go to bed. I sleep better during the day, anyway. I should really go back out and see my mom and my dog. I miss the dog. He was always so comforting when I was depressed. That little dog can cheer anyone up. He's so loving and sweet.

Maybe I should get roommates when I move out. I'll just get rid of my couch, which is fine. I love the couch, but it is uncomfortable. I don't know if I should live alone. I like living alone, but it's probably bad for me. Easier to just sequester myself in the house and not leave for days.

Now I'm just rambling.

What is it?

Oh, don't worry, I'm still awake. I have no idea how many nights this is, but I've got to get my sleep back to normal soon. I'm not getting anything done during the day because I don't go to bed till 6, and then I lie there from 10 to 2 staring at the ceiling refusing to get out of bed. So I waste my entire day, and then I'm up at night.

This is getting ridiculous. If I didn't feel like such shit I would think I'm getting manic. I want to buy plane tickets and other stuff. I want to shop. I keep coming up with all these excuses to shop, but I'm not awake when the stores are open. And I promised no online shopping during Lent. So I'm just sitting here reading crap online and trying not to think so much. I'm trying to space out.

And now I have a huge headache. Perhaps the best thing to do is to just lie down in the dark and wait. Sitting here at the computer isn't doing me any favors.

What causes this?

Insomnia can be caused by any number of things including anxiety, depression, mania, medications, caffeine, or just changes. Of course, my life is full of all of these. So how to pinpoint the cause? I suppose I could say it started when I changed my medication, so the most likely culprit is the Celexa. But I'm also really anxious about the job situation this week, and feeling my depression more. So who the hell knows what it is? All I know is I can't sleep.

I'm sure I'll be tired tomorrow and then want to take a nap because I have nothing to do with my day. And then I'll sleep for an hour and feel great, and not sleep again tomorrow night. But my body feels fine without sleep. Which is worrisome. That's always a mania sign. But I'm not impulsive or destructive, so I don't think mania is here, or coming. I think I'm just... awake.

And the bigger problem is that now that everyone else is asleep and I'm alone to stare at the computer, I just want to eat. I'm not hungry, but the kitchen is calling me. Boredom eating. Blech. And there's nothing good in there, anyway. Just some rice and yogurt. Don't do it, Anne.

Nope, still up

I can't believe I'm still awake, but I am. I have horrible indigestion (not that I've eaten that much today) and lying down is uncomfortable. But I just want to do it anyway. I want to sleep. I want to dream. But I can't. So I'm sitting here desperately searching the internet for something to do. I might just end up playing Angry Birds, again.

I hate insomnia.

And of course, there's all sorts of things I could be doing with my time. I have some thank you notes to write. I could be doing a little work on ... I don't know, something. I could be cleaning my room. But I'm just going to sit here and watch the Twitter feed and see what people in other countries are doing. They are awake because it's normal to be awake right now in their time zone.

It's sleepy time

Here I am again, with nothing to do and no one to talk to except this blog. It's midnight and I'm hoping to get to sleep sometime soon - like within the half hour. What would help is if I turned off the computer, but I keep staring at it like it's going to get up and do a jig. Instead, the web just looks back at me and waits for my input.

Julie was telling me I need to get some sleep habits. "Like drink chamomile tea and write for a little while before bed. Or read something, but put down the technology." Fine, whatever. But I can't keep my attention on reading anything. I've got stacks of magazines just piled up waiting for me to get over my depression. I don't think I've read one since before Christmas. And a book? Wow. It's been since September that I've read a book.

Unemployment and depression just kill your ability to take part in things you love. So I just forcefully signed myself up to go over to Diane's tomorrow night. It will be good for me to get out of the house, even if she's not the most mentally healthy person to hang out with. At least I'll be with someone else and not alone in front of the computer.

So I'm going to try it - just lie down and see what happens. Hopefully I'll be asleep soon and not back in an hour to write another post on how I can't sleep.

Let's get the sleep in order

Julie and I talked about my biggest problem lately: the sleep cycle is all messed up. Apparently, I'm not alone. "In fact, 43% of Americans between the ages of 13 and 64 say they rarely or never get a good night's sleep on weeknights, according to a recent poll by the National Sleep Foundation." I'm sure some of those people have the same problem I do, well, I think: side effects from meds.

Celexa can cause insomnia and so can depression, both of which I have. Julie thinks it's the caffeine intake. Probably because she see's me with a cup of coffee every time I go in. It's my ritual before therapy to get a cup of coffee. It's my only purchased coffee of the week, usually. I like latte's. What can I say?

Whatever the reason, my sleep is all messed up. I'm either not sleeping at all, or sleeping 12+ hours at a time. And I never know which night is going to be which. It just happens. I don't do anything differently. I don't drink extra caffeine or anything like that. I just sometimes can't even close my eyes I'm so awake.

"You need something to exhaust you during the day."

"Like a job?" I said, snarkily.

In the aftermath

I fell asleep sometime as it was getting light and the airplanes started going overhead. I think it was 6:30 or 7. Then I got up at 10, and then noon. I'm so exhausted right now that I can't even think of what to do with myself. I don't want to read the news, because it's so horribly depressing, and I've already done my family duty today. I went and hung out with my cousin for a while, which was awesome. She's a really cool person and nice to talk to.

Perhaps I should take a nap. I know that will increase the chances I'll be up all night again, but I don't know if I can make it.

Yep, still here

Well, it's 5:30 in the morning and I'm still awake. Michael has long since gone to bed, because it's even late over there. I'm guessing it's the Celexa that's keeping me up. I laid down for a bit, but I'm restless. I can't seem to just lie there. And when I do, I still don't sleep. But I'm tired now. I wish I could sleep. Maybe I'll try again. Just force myself to lie there for a long time.

Or I could play video games. Or surf the internet. People are about to be awake.

No, I should try to sleep. I just hope this doesn't induce a manic episode.

Sleep, damnit

It's 2am and I'm awake. It's been on and off sleep and insomnia all week. One night I'm up till 5 and up at 9am, and the next day I'm down for naps all day. It's a vicious cycle, but I'm just not tired. I can't seem to just lie down, but I'm not hyper or energetic, either. It's not like I'm busy and that's why I'm awake. I'm sitting here playing on the internet again and emailing with Michael. Sigh.

I'm really nervous about this week. I have a feeling it's the week I'm going to get a job, but I don't know which one it will be. I have a feeling it's the one here that I don't want that much, but screw it: it's work. And it would have really good benefits and nice people. I just need to train myself to be a little more... uptight. I can handle it. I can handle anything.

It would be so nice to have a job. I'm so sick of being unemployed and without my own home. I know it's not the biggest travesty in the world, but losing your independence is depressing. Now I know how old people feel. Sort of.

Enough of my blathering. Time to download more apps for the iPhone. Free, of course, since I gave up online shopping.

Love is in the air

I'm so tired. I was up until 5am just messing around on the internet and talking to Michael on the phone. It's weird: he hates the phone, but has called me twice this month. I don't know what's up with him. He told me last night he might start dating this girl he met, but he's not sure yet. I think he feels guilty or something. I think it's great! I want him to meet a nice girl and get the love and care he deserves. I know I can't provide it for him, so it's good he gets it.

Speaking of dating, I think I went on a date this morning. I met a guy, Roger, online and we met up and toured a museum today. I don't know if it counts as a date or just getting to know someone as a friend. He's a complete geek, but of course, all my friends are geeks.

I really don't want to be dating someone. I think I'm getting curmudgeonly in my old age. I don't want to date. I'm perfectly fine being single. And now the Celexa and gaining weight have taken away my sex drive, so I don't even care anymore. Is that bad?

Back to the point: I'm exhausted. Is it too early to go to bed?

No, tonight is insomnia night

So I was wrong. Tonight is insomnia night. I got to sleep about midnight last night. I knew I was going to be up tonight because of the amount of caffeine I've inhaled in the past 8 hours, but it really isn't making me shaky or awake. I'm just up because there's so much going on in my head. I want to cry, really. My life is just so....

My life is so not what I pictured it would be at 31. I'm in a holding pattern and I don't see any sign of it stopping anytime soon. I'm just stuck here at dad's with all my stuff in storage, waiting until someone decides to hire me. And am I desperate to take anything, even if I don't think I'll like the job? You bet I am. I'm ready to get the hell out of here. I can always look for another job once I've been in it for a year. I can do anything for a year. But I can't do this.

I don't know how people stay on unemployment for long periods of time. I have a friend who has been on it for 2 years and has filed for bankruptcy twice. I don't want to be him. I'm not to that place, yet, and I have a long way to go before I get there. Thank God for unemployment checks. I don't know what I would do without them. I'm not even going to think about it, because it's just depressing.

What I do know is I'm really lucky to have landed in this halfway house and not be living on the streets. I have family to hold me up and the state to pay my way.

Insomnia preview

It's insomnia night! We didn't have one last week, which was odd, but I was traveling and sometimes that helps me sleep. It seems to be Mondays or Tuesdays lately, not that I'm that great at knowing what day it is anymore. Maybe it's just manic day - I didn't nap today, though I didn't get up till 10am. I didn't really do anything except go to the doctor and take a shower. Sounds thrilling. My life is so full.

Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I need to do more stuff. No, I do stuff. I went to the wax museum with a friend on Sunday and out to lunch with my mom and step-grandma. We did birthday lunch since it was my mom's birthday last week. She sat there and told the story of my birth, which involves my grandma dying, which I'm sure was weird for my step-grandma to have to sit and listen to. Mom was a little weird at lunch, but not horribly off. I think she's a little manic, but maybe just hypomanic. She was chatty with the waiter and sent me a card. I get a lot of mail when she's hypomanic.

Perhaps I should take another shower and calm down. Get warm. Sucks to go to bed with your hair wet, but I'll just have to get over that. Let's see if it helps.

Why am I so sleepy?

I wonder if it's the weather. Or traveling. Sometimes traveling makes me tired. All I want to do is nap, and I can nap. I can actually lie down and fall asleep for an hour and then be fine, but within 3 hours I'm tired again. It could be the Celexa or even the Abilify. Though I figure the side effects should have worn off by now. It's been a month. And it's only random tiredness. Some days I'm fine. But I'm tired more often than not.

But, of course, I can't sleep at night. I mean, I sleep, but it takes me hours to fall asleep. In the middle of the day I'm out like a light, but at night I just lie there and think. Perhaps that's the real reason I'm tired when I get up. And of course, I've messed up my entire sleep system now. Sigh.

Damn interruptions

Great, so I was all set to go to bed, depressed and ready to crumple into bed, and then Michael started emailing. Now I can't sleep. I'm thinking about it, but now I'm not tired anymore. I think I need to start taking the Abilify in the morning. It might be what keeps me up later.

I think I'm just going to have to lie there till I fall asleep, no matter how long it takes. Sucks.

It's insomnia night!

Well, this hasn't happened in a few weeks. I'm up, it's midnight, and I can't seem to go to sleep. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I've been trying since 9:30 and have been constantly getting texts. No one loves me unless I'm trying to sleep. Or maybe I'm always trying to sleep and so people just text when they feel like it.

Somethings I've been thinking about: Julie mentioned something about our sessions ending in April, so I think that's when her semester is over (she's a student therapist). I suppose I'll have to go without or try to convince the center to give me someone for the summer semester, if they have a person. I wonder how their process works.

I see the doc next week, and I think he's going to take away my Abiify. I'm appalled at the thought. I can't imagine being without the antipsychotic. It's what got me out of a depression last year, and what got me free this time, too. If it's a crutch I don't care- I need it. But how am I supposed to have it? Well, I'm not going to worry about affording it. There are a bunch of folks who've taken up the cause d'Anne and said they would help pay for my meds. I think that sucks, but if it's the reason I can still go to interviews and function, then so be it.

Jesus, I need some sleep. Ugh.

Pharma sleep

It's too late for pharmaceutically enhanced sleep. Or, maybe it's too early for it. Either way, I'm not going to get a lot of sleep tonight. My stomach hurts and it's keeping me up. That's right, I ate too much (I think it was the pickled vegetables) and so I have a stomach ache. So what did I just do? I ate again. Yep. Because sometimes eating makes a stomach ache go away. It's counter-intuitive, but it works, sometimes. I can't tell yet if it worked this time.

I have to be up in a couple of hours to go to work and work out. I'm going to do it this time. I mean workout. I always go to work. My cousin Roger told my dad I was the hardest working person he knew. I don't know where he gets that from: he works two jobs and has a two year old. I give him mad props.

Ok, I'm going to lie down and see what happens this time....

A 24 hour world

I wonder if the gym is open? It might be best to do something like that right now, now that I can't sleep. I was lying down for about two hours just dreaming and listening to music, but once the playlist ended I just couldn't seem to stay down. And now I'm up, wandering the internet. I gave up and grabbed a diet Coke, too. Apparently there were some stashed under my dad's diet Pepsi's. I thought we were out.

I have another interview tomorrow. It's a second interview with a place that I like, and where the people seem really chill. I think it would be a nice place to work, it's close to here, next to a metro stop, and there's supposed to be a noon meeting around the neighborhood somewhere. What more could you ask for, right? I don't know the pay scale, but I assume it's ok since it's a big organization. They are usually better about that sort of thing. My first interview with them was 2 weeks ago, so at least they're moving relatively quickly.

I called and canceled my meds order. I'm just going to send them back when they get here. I hate that I have so much to do but it's 2:30am and no one else is up to take phone calls or cut my hair. If only the world worked for insomniacs and day sleepers. I don't know what people who work at night and have to sleep all day do. Adam used to have a schedule like that, but he had weekdays off, so that's a little better. Everyone is open on weekdays.

Lessons from the therapist

I got homework from the therapist: a)get your sleep back on schedule, b) make a vision list, c) pull away from the bad things in your life slowly, d) think about dating.

My sleep has been funky, as you can tell by the times on all the posts. I've been up into the wee hours of the morning just sitting here on the computer being prolific. Go me. So I've got to find another way to have time alone, rather than waiting to stay up all night just so it seems like I have my own apartment. Tonight I've got to go to bed early because we're getting up at 5 tomorrow and hitting the road to head up north. Traffic should be awesome.

A vision list is something you do that's kind of like a fourth step: what are my characteristics now, and then what do I want them to be. So if now I'm obsessive about stuff, and I want that to change, what does that look like? Also, the simple things like how do I want to dress in the future, and what will my career path look like? It's like making a five year plan, but looser.

I told her I quit smoking and she commended me, but also warned me about the difficulty of doing that while I'm trying to find a job and do a million other things. She thinks I can do it, but I need to change those habits slowly and realize that if I slip it's not the end of the world; I just need to get back on that horse.

Oh, dating. She talked about how I have the obvious capacity for intimacy, since I've shown it with Adam, and how a lot of people just aren't capable of that. She thinks I have the potential to find a really fulfilling relationship one day. She suggested I look into the possibility of dating, but not having sex. Just taking it one day at a time - maybe just going to dinner or a movie. I think it's a nice idea, because I don't really want to be in a relationship right now, but I do need the practice, and it's good to meet people. We'll see what the sponsor has to say.

I'm still really bad at wanting to listen to my sponsor. For starters, she's 26. What the hell did I know at 26? Nothing. I'm sure she knows a lot more about AA than I do, but when it comes to life, I think I've got a leg up on her. So it's hard for me to want to tell her things and then listen. I mean, if I think of her like a friend and she's giving suggestions, then that's cool, but it seems like in AA they expect you to do exactly what you're told. I think I'm going to be a rebel. I hope that doesn't hurt me in the end.

PJs are the new power suit

“In this way, being unemployed is a lot like being depressed. You know how there are millions (O.K., a handful) of things you swear you would do if you only had the time? Now that I had all the time in the world — except for the hours during which I was looking for work — to read, write, watch birds, travel, play minor-key nocturnes, have lunch with friends, train a dog, get a dog, learn to cook, knit a sweater, iron the napkins and even the sheets, I had absolutely no energy for any of it. It made no difference that music and books and nature had long been the mainstays of my spirit. Just thinking about them exhausted me. I had absolutely zero experience in filling weeks — what if it became years? — with activity of my own choosing. Being unemployed meant being unoccupied, literally. I felt hollow.”

This is the best description of being unemployed. You really think, when you're working, that work just gets in the way of all sorts of stuff. "If I had time, I would travel, spend time with my family, meet my friends for lunch, etc." What's funny is I've been doing all of these things, and I still have tons of time on my hands. I suppose AA fills up some of that time, but not enough.

If only I could stop and read more. I have lots of magazines, and I have the time to read them, but I haven't really read in about a month. My eyes are tired, or I'm just tired from not really sleeping.

But that hollow feeling. I'm glad others have it as well. It's a weird feeling to have. I know that I've got so much going for me, and my life is actually pretty full, but I just feel lacking without a job. Jobs really define you as a person whether you like it or not. It makes people uncomfortable when I say I'm unemployed. It's kind of funny. They get quiet and weird, or talk about other people they know who are un- or underemployed. But sympathy doesn't really help. The only thing that will help is getting a job.