A manic ramble

I'm still up, trying to stop myself from posting on Facebook or embarrassing myself in any way. All I want to do is scream, or run in circles, or do SOMETHING. I want to call people, or drive somewhere, talk to someone, freak out, call my doctor, call my sponsor, call my man. But it's 6 am and I've been awake since 10am yesterday, and I've had too much caffeine, and I'm manic, and I'm CRAZY and I have to go to work in 20 minutes. And then school. And my man will be there, to see me in all my crazy ass glory - fully developed mania and caffeine induced shakes. And I want a DRINK because it will make this stop, but I know, KNOW, it will make it worse. I will lose everything if I drink. I have to fight my mind and my ancient alcoholic urges to hide and self-medicate and fix things and just give it up to God. His will be my own. To see me in this state is to see me as I am sometimes, and hopefully God won't let me fail or make an ass of myself. As long as I don't speak in class and just get the hell out of there as soon as possible... I need to call my doctor again. Not having meds is unacceptable and dangerous. I need to find a sponsor and call her. I need, I need. I need to ramble a bit more on here. It's like I'm getting the energy out in my fingertips and it's soothing....

I hate mania! I hate that it has gotten this far! It's not even a productive mania! I can't read, I can't write my paper, I'm just frazzled and shaking and full of racing thoughts. I don't even know if I should take my Abilify or if that will make it worse.... FUCK FUCK I hate this. Breathe....

Officially manic

That is all.

That took forever!

I finally made it to a meeting today. In fact, I made it to two. I hadn't been in a month, since I came back from up north. I guess that's almost 2 months, now. It felt great to go, and I really needed that boost.

I'm at 16 months, now! Thank God for sobriety. But I need to put my program first, or I'll lose everything it's given me. So I'm building in meeting times to my schedule. Wish me luck!

To suffer is human

Money problems solved

Apparently in order to get my money from unemployment, they had to send it to Bank of America, who sent it Western Union to PO Boxes, Etc, who gave it to me, so I could deposit it back into Bank of America. That makes NO sense what-so-ever, but at least I have my money now. Still no loan check yet, so no payment on the credit cards, but I've got enough to pay my car bill. Whew! I was wondering where that money was going to come from.

I've been wanting to get drunk lately. Not really, but wanting a way to relax at the end of the night and wind down. I still don't know how to do that without food or drink. I should really buy a headlamp and go for a run. Or go on the treadmill. But after standing all day, that's the last thing I want to do. All I want to do is sleep!

Check still not here

I just had to borrow money. I hate that. But I was down to $.75 in my checking account, and 0 in my savings. So I borrowed $200 to get me through till whenever my money shows up. Still no unemployment or loan refund. I'm waiting on a hell of a lot of money... And none of it ever appears. I need at least $600 to pay my bills this month since my credit card payments are really high. Once I pay them off, I'll need $400 a month to make my bills. Maybe $500. I can do that working, I hope. I'm going to get paid on Mondays for one job, and Fridays for another, so I think it should all work out. Who the hell knows. I hate this.

I went from making enough money to go to Europe to not making enough money to send a postcard to Europe. Damnit.

ARGH

I'm so fucking frustrated today! I just called unemployment, and they sent my last check on Monday. Which means it must have gone to Michael instead of here because I haven't even seen the ones before that! They owe me about $7,000, which is out there in the mail somewhere. I'm broke, damnit! I need that money to get me through this semester, and even through the week! ARGH.

This whole process has been nothing but a giant pain in my ass. I'm thankful for the money, but it almost hasn't been worth it. I'm writing a nasty letter to the head of EDD as soon as I figure out who it is.