Money problems solved

Apparently in order to get my money from unemployment, they had to send it to Bank of America, who sent it Western Union to PO Boxes, Etc, who gave it to me, so I could deposit it back into Bank of America. That makes NO sense what-so-ever, but at least I have my money now. Still no loan check yet, so no payment on the credit cards, but I've got enough to pay my car bill. Whew! I was wondering where that money was going to come from.

I've been wanting to get drunk lately. Not really, but wanting a way to relax at the end of the night and wind down. I still don't know how to do that without food or drink. I should really buy a headlamp and go for a run. Or go on the treadmill. But after standing all day, that's the last thing I want to do. All I want to do is sleep!

Lithium in the body

I was sitting here wondering if lithium has an effect on the liver, and I came across an interesting discussion on lithium and alcohol. Apparently the only real effect it has is that you can get dehydrated by alcohol and that can raise the lithium levels in your body. So basically, stay hydrated.

It's funny; the last time I was on lithium I was taking LSD about once a week and smoking pot as much as possible. I never combined lithium and LSD on the same day (I usually didn't take my meds on the weekends), because I was afraid of what would happen. The one time I forgot and combined them I almost died. I suppose it was smart of me to not combine. Now, I have so many drugs to think about and no illegals to combine with.

Oh, and no, lithium works through the kidneys. It's a salt (duh), and comes and goes through the renal system. They check your thyroid and kidneys for functioning because it works through both of those and can have dangerous side effects.

The thyroid part of that really makes me nervous. Both my mom and my dad's mom have thyroid problems, so I'm guessing it's just a matter of time before mine goes haywire. And of course, I have to take the drug that messes with it.

Lessons learned from being sober

"...then we can sit in the kitchen and drink mimosas, though I doubt you'll do it."

Was that a challenge or is she recognizing what I am? I told you I'm not going to restrict myself to not drinking after my one year. I think I've learned a lot of valuable lessons:

1. Just because it's there doesn't mean you have to drink it
2. You can drink one and then switch to non-alcoholic
3. You can celebrate without alcohol

I think these were things I needed to learn. Lessons that will take me far. I've also had a peek at AA and learned a lot about what the program is and isn't. It's a great program, and I think it does a lot to compliment life changes. AA is somewhere you can go with like-minded folks and deal with the ups and downs of alcoholism and all that comes with it. It's like group therapy, though no commenting on other people's issues.

But I think I'm good. I haven't had much luck finding "like" folks in AA; people I can really relate to. People seem to have a lot worse luck with alcohol than me. So I think I'll be ok with the occasional drink. A glass of wine here, a beer there. And now I know I can go without when I have to drive. I'm not going to set all sorts of perimeters for myself, I'm just going to say it's ok.

But Diane thinks I won't do it. "I think you like not drinking." And you know what? She's right. I kind of like not being drunk. I've also realized that my personality is the same. I'm still the wacky, do it on a dare kind of person, drunk or sober. I have the courage to do anything and I never needed alcohol to get me to that point. It's not like I ever used it that way, but it's just nice to observe that you're the same person drunk or sober.

A reversal

And I know why. I want to celebrate the fact that I'm depressed and lonely, jobless and miserable. A nice glass of wine sounds perfect right now, along with a cigarette. I wish that's what I could be doing. But I can't smoke. And I don't want to drink until my one year. Or maybe I'll drink when I get a job. I think drinking in celebration is fine.

"What?!" You say. "But you're sober! You're in AA! You can't drink!" Right. About that. I don't know if AA is the thing for me. I know, it's worked for millions of people, kept millions alive and out of trouble. I know I was having blackouts and nights of two or sometimes three bottles of wine alone. I know that's alcoholic behavior, right? Well, I'm guessing it's the meds that made me blackout, first off, but yeah, having 2 bottles of wine alone isn't cool.

I've never quit before, and I don't think alcohol is done with me. I've said this before. I know some people go out and then all of a sudden they get into trouble, but I'm not driving lately, or hanging out with anyone, so I'm good there. I'm not even going to make promises to myself like I will only have one, or not drink alone. I'm just going to be a responsible adult about it and hope that I can handle that. I'm going to hope that I'll only drink when I'm not driving, and I'll have the willpower to say no sometimes. I've learned you don't always have to drink.

I've learned a lot from being sober. I'm still going to see if I can make it a year. May 27. I think that's a good goal, but I'm over the whole AA thing. I'm done trying to make it work. As Adam likes to say, "It's not a hotbed of mental health." I don't need the crazy they've got. I'm cool without the Kool-Aid.

So is this goodbye? Hell no. I'm going to keep writing about everything, because these issues interest me. I'm going to write more about mental health, too, and continue to whine about my shitty life. And plus, we have till May for me to change my mind.

Things I like about sobriety

So I've been pondering sobriety a lot lately. I really enjoy a few things about sobriety, but I wonder if I'm really an alcoholic. I suppose everyone does, and there are surely ways to convince myself that I am, or am not. I could find evidence on either side, for sure. But just for myself, I want to create a little list of things I like about being sober:

1. My meds work better. I am less depressed (I think). Of course, it's hard to tell with all the situational crap going on.
2. I'm saving a lot of money.
3. I'm not smoking. I really think they're tied so close together that if I started drinking again I would probably start smoking.
4. I'm not drunk dialing people.
5. I'm not blacking out.
6. I never have to worry about if I'm too drunk to drive or getting pulled over.

Things I miss about drinking:

1. The taste. I was developing a palate for wine and beer.
2. Festivals. I used to go to a bunch of wine festivals.
3. That buzzed, relaxed feeling.
4. Being a part of the crowd.
5. Smoking.

So really, it looks like I just miss being part of the group because the group is usually drinking. That's ok, I think. I can still hang out with them all. I think one day I'll probably try drinking again and see if I can just have one or two out with people instead of a bottle home alone. I need to get settled into my new life first, if it ever happens.

From the mouth of auntie

I had a nice dinner with my aunt last night, and we covered a lot of ground. We went over some things that I had just discovered in therapy; or more like just finally want to think about taking on. This is going to be a few blog posts, me thinks.

"What's with this alcohol thing? You're not an alcoholic, you know." She said.

"I'm not? But I was drinking alone, a lot, and blacking out?"

"You were using it as a crutch, and that's bad. You're the kind of person who can have one or two drinks occasionally, especially with your meds. But it doesn't make you an alcoholic."

Words to think about. In fact, I had been. I mean, I drank. A lot. But I gave up easy. And it's been fine. I don't know. I was thinking I'll give it till a year and then try to drink like a normal person again. Perhaps alcohol just isn't done with me.

John

So I joked about cirrhosis earlier in the week, but I just got a call from my aunt saying her brother was dying. His lungs collapsed, and he's bleeding from the esophagus. It's been years that he's been sick - he has hepatitis C and is an alcoholic. He got the hep C from drug use. The don't think he'll make it through the weekend.

I've heard so many stories from people in AA who talk about looking at someone who has drunk themselves to death, and how petrifying it is. The people are all bloated, and just don't look the same. My aunt said she's bringing down his 2 boys in the morning, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. They're in their early 20's, but no one wants to remember their parents like that, sick and on a ventilator. I don't even know if John is conscious. I don't think he is.

What a thing to happen, and at Christmas. The moral of the story is: stop drinking like a fish. If you can drink A glass of wine every now and again (not every night or every hour), then go for it, but for those of us who can't, just stop it, damnit. You hurt yourself, but eventually you'll hurt everyone else.

Act out less: Stop drinking

The biggest duh statement yet: "Alcohol is known to cause an increase in impulsive behavior in individuals, which can not only be dangerous for themselves, but for others as well."

Well, no shit Sherlock. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, and can bring out the wild man or the angry person in you. It can make you act without forethought, as well, as proved by this study. But it's always nice to remind people of this fact. When you drink, you might just do something stupid.

At a meeting last night a woman talked about how she wanted to stop ending up in places and with people she didn't want to. She kept waking up from blackouts with gashes on her car that she didn't know where they came from. Drinking can make you do all sorts of things you didn't think you were capable of or never wanted to do. Ah, the inhibition lowerer. I know that's not a word.

Will the bipolar calm down?

"Alcohol exposure during adolescence alters the body's ability to respond to stress in adulthood....problems regulating stress are associated with behavioral and mood disorders, the findings may indicate that binge drinking in adolescence leads to increased risk of anxiety or depression in adulthood."

I began drinking and doing drugs when I was 15. I had depression issues before that, but wasn't diagnosed bipolar until a little bit after I started doing drugs. I dealt with the stress in my life by doing drugs, and believe me, there was a lot of stress in my life. I hear people say all the time that they used to think, "If you had my problems you'd drink too!" I suppose that's what I was saying, without saying that.

I don't know when I started having panic attacks, but I don't think it was until college. I know I was a mess, then, but I also wasn't on medication except drinking. I did the occasional drug, but not really. I smoked, too. I kept dealing with the stress by drinking. Every time something went wrong, I got drunk.

So in my adulthood, I have trouble dealing with stress. Is it because of that early drug use? Is it because I've gotten into the habit of dealing with stress with substances? I've been under a lot of stress lately, and haven't dealt with stress with substances. I've been able to just deal with it (with the help of cigarettes and diet Coke). I wonder if just breaking that habit will help me deal with stress. I wonder when I break the cigarette habit, if that will help me deal with stress?

I wonder a lot whether the drugs I took made me bipolar instead of just depressed. I did take an anti-depressant and went manic, which is a good indicator of being bipolar, but could it have been exacerbated by my drug and alcohol use? I'm hoping that the longer I'm sober the less drugs I need to be on. I'm hoping it will calm down the bipolar.

Marya Hornbacher talks about still being on meds, and talks about how you'll still be bipolar without the drugs. I think that's true: It will still be there. She had a severe case of bipolar, which I don't have, but I know it will still be something I'll have to deal with, just maybe lesser.

Obsessiveness haunts me

Bought the more practical, less expensive shoes. I hate that I just get a compulsion and have to follow it through. You ever get those? Like when your brain says, "Time to do something," and then you can't think of anything else until you get that one thing done. Like sometimes I just start thinking about shoes, and then I think of a pair I want, no, NEED, and then I can't stop thinking about them until I buy them. The obsession will not be lifted!

Luckily, I haven't had that problem with drinking, since I quit drinking. That used to be the way I drank. Have one, and then obsess about the next one until I was done drinking everything I could get my hands on: the bar was closed or so was the liquor store. Since I quit drinking, I haven't had to obsess over a beer or a glass of wine. I mean, once or twice I'll be looking at someone elses glass and think, "I could just take one sip...." But I never do, and I can get it out of my mind. I think it might just be practice.

So maybe that will work with shopping and smoking, too. Just don't take that first step. Don't smoke. Don't go looking for new shoes, and you won't find a pair you like. But for now, I have a really cute pair of boots coming.

Sobriety and moving

What's kind of funny is through all of this, this change and stress and nervousness, I haven't wanted a drink. I did have a booze dream the other night, but I woke up in a panic until I realized it was a dream. I don't want to drink anymore. Just like I'm done with this place, I'm done with that part of my life. My life is different now, and better. I don't have to take to alcohol whenever something doesn't go my way. I can just be.

I have been chain smoking, though. That's just boredom. I don't know what to do with myself, so I smoke. I used to drink like that. I know the next addiction I need to kick is cigarettes, and I think it will be easier while living with my dad. See, he's retired and "doesn't know" I smoke, which means no smoking while I'm at home. It's not like I can just step outside and sneak a smoke. He lives on the damn 6th floor. I'd have to have a good excuse. And I'm sure I'll make them up. "Going to the store" or "getting the mail." To which he'll probably reply, "Oh, I'll come with you." He likes to hang out with me. So smoking will be hard. Which is a good thing. Maybe I'll get down to one or two a day and then just not buy another pack.

Adam has already said he knows some good sober ladies I can hook up with when I get there, so that will help integrate me into the AA fellowship in my new town. AA is a nice way to meet folks, and I'll get to figure out where all the churches are, at least. I'm sure I'll remember eventually. So AA will come soon enough. In the meantime, I think I'm going to be just fine on that front.

Co-morbidity

"Patients with bipolar disorder (BD) who suffer from anxiety are at increased risk for substance use disorders...."

It's like I have a trifecta going. I have anxiety disorder as well as bipolar, which causes some of my irrational fears, like the one about going to the grocery store a few months ago. There was no reason for it, just a fear of going there. I also get irrational death fears. I fear the people close to me are going to die, which is a fear of abandonment issues, as well. Character flaw!

So I'm on Seroquel for anxiety, but I only take it when I'm really losing my shit. Otherwise it just makes me pass out for 10 hours, and then be really sleepy the next day. My therapist says there are better drugs out there that won't make me sleepy, so I think I'm going to talk to my doctor about that. I don't need another drug, and my anxiety hasn't been that bad since that last panic attack earlier this year.

Ugh, I hate panic attacks. At least I don't have them often, and they don't last long. Seroquel can knock one out in minutes.

Anyway, they're all linked: bipolar, anxiety, and substance abuse. Which is kind of a duh, but interesting nonetheless. Drugs are good for balancing out emotions, and often people take a drink to "calm the nerves." It's a timeless tradition. People drink when things happen that make them anxious or sad, or even happy. Things that evoke emotion are often linked with drugs and alcohol. But when it's deeply ingrained in your head, like bipolar or anxiety disorder, you have a tendency to abuse those drugs instead and really use them to cover your symptoms.

I haven't wanted a drink when I've been anxious. But I did want a drink today. I was at the grocery store and the woman in front of me was buying Corona and tequila. I knew what kind of weekend she was going to have. I wanted to reach into her cart and grab the beer and just chug it. Then the line passed the booze section, and I thought about grabbing the gin (I hate gin) and just swigging out of the bottle. Then I thought how sick that would make me. I think my body would revolt if I put alcohol into it now. So the obsession is occasionally lifted, but I'm still having moments of want. These moments have definitely become few and far between, though. I'm grateful.

Drinking on the isles

So the question is: is it just British to get wasted? Is it in the genes and the history of Britain, or is it a phenomenon lately that the British are getting way drunker?

"...many here contend Britain is literally drinking itself to death, with a record 9,031 people dying from overdrinking in 2008, up 125 percent since 1992. Experts are warning of a national epidemic in liver disease. One major survey released in April showed the British to be the heaviest binge drinkers in the European Union, with almost one in nine reportedly guzzling at least seven drinks a sitting."

And that's a major feat, considering Germany is a big drinking part of the EU. So is it just British to drink? I suppose they may be the ones to "invent" the big pint of beer and the sherry after dinner, but I'm not so sure it's just a British phenomenon.

Americans are drinking more during this recession. They also found an interesting correlation between having a higher power and drinking:

"Those who seldom or never attend church are substantially more likely than more frequent church attenders to say they drink; and those who have no religious identity, Catholics, and non-Christians are more likely to drink than Protestants."

And Catholics are Latin American and Irish, mostly. England developed Protestantism, so are the Brits really predisposed to drinking? I don't know what this all means, so make your own conclusions.

525 calories

I keep thinking I should be losing weight from quitting drinking. I mean, alcohol has a lot of sugar and calories, right? And if I was drinking a bottle or two a night, that's a lot of calories! In fact, a bottle of wine has about 525 calories. That's 1,050 calories a night some nights. And women my size only need about 1,900 to 2,000 calories a day to live. So the majority of my calories came from alcohol.

But it's not working out that way. At least I'm staying the same weight, but I'm sure not losing any. I suppose it's all the replacement sugar (read: cookies and ice cream) I'm eating to make up for it. That urge is starting to wear off, though, so perhaps it'll change soon. I'll be able to stop taking in so many calories through junk, and get back to eating fruits and veggies for the majority of my meals.

I'm still on Weight Watchers, but I haven't been really good about it. Plus, I've been a slacker with running. I finally ran this weekend, and my legs are now really pissed at me. So maybe I should do it more often?

Drinking while driving

You would think I'm manic by how much I'm posting tonight, but I'm not. I actually feel pretty normal, I'm just bored with myself and thinking a lot.

I used to drink and drive. Well, of course, you say, you're an alcoholic. But what I really mean is, I used to drink while driving. I did it a lot. Not just putting beer into a cup and drinking it, though I did that, but learning how to take a swig off a champagne bottle without the person driving behind you seeing. Trust me, it's not that complicated. You just hold your head in a certain way.

My friend Amanda and I drove around the neighboring town one time on the way to a birthday party and finished off a bottle. I can't believe I was just driving around neighborhoods. Usually, I did it on the highway where no one is likely to see you. Wow! Just thinking about that makes me want to smack myself on the side of the head.

I learned it all from Diane. When I was 16 I was going up to her house in New England to stay for the summer and babysit her kid while she went back to school. With a 6 year old and a labrador in the back seat, we drove the 8 hours up there and finished 3 joints and two six packs of beer. Cheap beer, too. I think it was Coors, or something. She drove the whole way, cause I didn't have a license yet, but I thought it was so cool that we could get away with that. I looked up to her. Now, I realize she was only 28 and just as stupid as I was at 28. Though she's still stupid now.

I wish she would wise up to her addiction problems. She's got drug and alcohol problems, as well as being borderline personality. There's that dual-diagnosis again. One day, hopefully, she'll see the light. She's got another kid, now, a three year old, and she's still just as bad as when she was younger. All I can do is be there in his life like I was for his brother, and hope he turns out ok.

Getting old is hard

Not that I'm old, or anything, but getting old is not for wimps. And that includes drinking when you're older.

"The reason is that older people metabolize alcohol more slowly, and they also have less water in their bodies. The result is that an adult who consumes just a few glasses of wine will have a higher percentage of alcohol in his or her blood than a younger person drinking the same thing."

Apparently that's why women can't drink as much, as well, because our bodies are less water than men's. Interesting, right? But they go on to say:

"The National Institutes of Health site says that people over 65 shouldn’t consume more than seven drinks in a week, and that they should have no more than three drinks on a given day."

Seriously? One a day, I suppose, is what they say helps with heart health (red wine, I hear), but three a day? That's nothing to me, but it seems like if alcohol is going to have a bigger effect on older people that it should be one or two a day. If one is going to cause you to be unstable on your feet, then two is probably dangerous. I don't know. Read the article and let me know what you think.

Watch for scurvy

Alcoholism is also bad for the nutritional system. Alcoholics often take in most of their calories from alcohol, and ignore the fact that you should have a healthy, balanced diet. I know that when I was on Weight Watchers I would eat less and drink more in order to lose weight. I always counted those calories, and I wouldn't be hungry when drinking a lot. You run the risk of all sorts of disorders from not getting enough vitamins.

What I didn't think about, though is that, "One of the main alcohol nutrition facts that perhaps most people don't realize is that the vitamin and nutrition deficiencies experienced by most alcoholics is not mainly due to poor eating habits, but from the malfunctioning of the body's organs and systems."

Your organs get pretty messed up with alcohol. Your liver and gallbladder aren't able to process a lot of stuff, and neither is your colon. Sometimes when you get the diarrhea associated with lots of drinking, or you vomit a lot, you aren't getting even the water that you are drinking, or the nutrients. Your colon does a lot to process nutrients. If it's not able to work, you're deficient.

Amazing what the body can do, and amazing how we fuck it up with substances.

Oh lordy

My friend is going to kill me. I ordered the wrong size bridesmaid dress, and now they don't know if they can fix it before the wedding! It's way too small - it doesn't fit over my ample bosom. I have to drive 2 hours away to see if there's anything they can do.

And this is the time when I drink. I get super stressed over things like this, and all I want to do is pick up a bottle and chug it. I just want some wine to calm things down. Instead, I just finished a can of corn and had two cigarettes. Not the best things I could do for myself, but at least I didn't drink and I got some vegetables. I'm trying to deal with the stress in better ways, if not healthier. But I'm cooking a pizza and waiting for them to call back and see if they can order more fabric to expand the dress. Shit.

Raise those taxes

Apparently making booze more expensive makes people drink and die less.

"...increasing alcohol taxes is associated with reduced overall consumption of alcohol as well as reduced heavy drinking. This new study shows that increasing taxes on alcohol also influences the death rate from liver cirrhosis, pancreatitis, gastric diseases, some cancers, and cardiovascular diseases caused by heavy alcohol use."

I know they've done the same with cigarettes. People always say, "If it gets about X dollars a pack, I'll quit." I know in NY and Chicago it's about $10 a pack. I wonder if that significantly reduced the amount of smokers, or the amount people smoke. Cities are also banning cigarettes in a lot of places to keep people from smoking. I know here, you can't smoke most places, and they're trying to ban smoking in apartment buildings.

So raising taxes on booze may create that same effect. Now let's see if that kind of thing can pass the politician test.

The obsession has not been lifted

The obsession to drink has not been lifted from me. It was for a while, but now that I'm feeling depressed, the thing I used to do to make me feel better was drink. I'm a happy drunk (to others) and it would take away that feeling of nothingness. I thought about going to a restaurant on my way home from the meeting and getting a beer. "Maybe I'm not that bad," I thought. "I've never been in the gutter. I never pushed people I love away from me. I've never been in jail."

But I know those are all just "yets." It would be easy for me to end up in jail for drunk driving. If I started drinking again I would feel so guilty that I would probably push people away. I could always end up homeless because I would go to work drunk and someone would notice.

Instead, I chose to work with my diseases, and to try to conquer that obsession by offering it up to God. I haven't done enough of that lately: saying to God that I need help. Well, I'm saying it again. God, show me again why this is a good idea. Let me remember that I can't have just one drink. Show me that my medication is actually working better. Remind me just how much better off I am now. Oh wait, He just did.