Money problems solved

Apparently in order to get my money from unemployment, they had to send it to Bank of America, who sent it Western Union to PO Boxes, Etc, who gave it to me, so I could deposit it back into Bank of America. That makes NO sense what-so-ever, but at least I have my money now. Still no loan check yet, so no payment on the credit cards, but I've got enough to pay my car bill. Whew! I was wondering where that money was going to come from.

I've been wanting to get drunk lately. Not really, but wanting a way to relax at the end of the night and wind down. I still don't know how to do that without food or drink. I should really buy a headlamp and go for a run. Or go on the treadmill. But after standing all day, that's the last thing I want to do. All I want to do is sleep!

Fat sucks

Talking to Jennifer this morning about my upcoming 29th interview, and she said, "isn't that e day of your one year anniversary?" Oh yeah! It is! I didn't even think about it. So it appears I'll be home for it instead of up north. I'll have to find a good chip meeting to go to. I don't really know which one. Maybe I can convince Adam to take me. It would be nice to celebrate with friends.

I still have no idea how I'm going to celebrate. But I've got to do something. I suppose a nice dinner, but I'm starting to get paranoid about being fat. I'm back where I used to live this week, staying with Michael, and he told me I'm fat. "you're just jigglier than before." thanks. My mom told me I'm getting "sloppy." What do you expect from 4 months of horrid depression, unemployment, and anti-psychotics? Whatever. Weni got up north I'm going to be running a lot and hopefully eating well. I figure if I really try, I can drop 15 pounds in 2 months. I need to drop 30, but half is good. I can take it from there.

Ok, I might not get to update again till I get home on Tuesday. I go to finish my tattoo on Monday and then I'm back home, and then off to the north.

I like me

Could just be the depression talking, but I've got to admit some things to myself: I don't really like running. I don't get stressed and think, "A good run will make me feel better." In fact, I usually think I should think that. And although I loved being a size 6, I'm perfectly comfortable naked at any size. I'm not ashamed of my body. In fact, I think it's pretty awesome. I'm sexy, and curvy, and covered in tattoos, and I love it.

So why do I try so hard? Why do I run anyway? Why do I keep going back to Weight Watchers? Because I worry. I worry that I won't look good in the kind of clothes I want to wear. I worry my tattoos will expand if I get fat again. I worry, I worry, I worry. And needlessly, methinks.

So I'm going to stop fooling myself. I'm ok the way I am. If I buy clothes I like in sizes that fit, it doesn't matter what size that is. My body is healthy and seems to settle at this weight, so let it be. Stop trying to be someone you're not. I've never been an athlete, so why force it? Just. Be. Me.

Going back where I belong

Michael and I are running in a marathon at the end of the month, for which neither of us is in marathon shape. Luckily, we're both horribly stubborn and have high pain tolerances. I think we can run half of it (we've both done a lot of half marathons) and then just suffer the last half. We could even walk it. But he wants that medal and I want to earn my burrito.

I'm excited about going out there. I'm getting more tattoo work done, which always makes me happy. I'm going hardcore this time and getting work done on my arm. I've officially lost my mind and become that girl, the one with the tattoos. I have one on my arm already, but this will be big and no hiding it without a sweater kind of tattoo. I'm excited! I don't even know what it looks like. My artist Charles just drew it and I'm going to see it for the first time right before it goes on. I'm sure if I hate it we'll make changes, but I trust him a lot. Plus, it's based on a design I already have, so it's not too far from anything.

I'm also going to get to see all (almost, Jennifer moved) my friends. We're going to get together and have a picnic after the marathon. Michael and I should be sufficiently dead, but he wants it then, so let him plan.

I've even got my suitcase half packed and I don't leave for 10 days. Can you tell I'm excited?

At least I'll look cute

I have a confession: I just online shopped again. But I bought a dress that was $90 for $41. A ha! I rock. And I bought some other stuff, but I had a 20% off coupon. I got 6 items for $180 where normal items are $49 each. I think I made out pretty well, there. And I'll have lots of cute stuff to wear with my one fitting pair of pants. I need to get my jeans tailored because they just look scruffy. I was hoping I could hang on till I lose weight and just wear the stuff that's already tailored to fit, but I'm apparently going to stay fat.

It's time to go back to the gym. I went for a week straight, and then when I went up north I didn't work out at all. So that was a week off. It's Monday. Tomorrow I will start the workout week again. Every other day. That's the plan. Ugh, just thinking about it is giving me indigestion.

Get yer ass outdoors

Well, you knew it all along. The treadmill gets a bad rap for a reason. "Compared with exercising indoors, exercising in natural environments was associated with greater feelings of revitalisation, increased energy and positive engagement, together with decreases in tension, confusion, anger and depression." That's right, not only do you get the benefits of exercising by doing it outdoors, but you're more likely to be happier afterwards than your treadmill cousins.

Do you think this will encourage me? Well, I'm so out of shape now that I worry about running outside. Will I have the energy to get back home? I always push myself and then drag-ass back home. Should I take it outside? The treadmill sure is boring. But I've been on it every other day for a week. It's getting to be a habit, almost.

Spring has sprung

It's an absolutely beautiful day outside. We even have the sliding glass door open here to let the breeze in. It sure doesn't feel like February.

I tried all my pants on this morning, and they zip, but they create the dreaded muffin top. I have 3 pair that fit alright, so that's what I'm going to be rotating between. That, and mumus.

Add all that up and you would think I'd be out there running today. I have to make it at least 12 miles this week sometime, just to get ready for the marathon I'm not going to finish. But I'm here, on the bed, typing, as usual. I'm just feeling overwhelmed by everything; so much so that all I want to do is nap. And then I wonder why I can't sleep at night. I didn't even get up till 2 today. It's only 4. How can I possibly want a nap?

Eat this, not that

Do you ever think that maybe Americans obsession with dietary and nutrition guidelines is what makes us a fat country? I mean, we're all obsessed with food. New dietary guidelines came out today from the gov't. And I think this quote says it all: "And my wife, Christie, and I are now following the guidelines. We have our little sheet every day. We record what we eat. And we are very, very concerned about calories in and calories out."

The other day a friend of mine asked another friend, Crickett, how French women stay so thin. Crickett, whose mom is French, said, "French women don't worry about what they eat. They eat everything, but in moderation." And I believe that's what many other countries do: everything, but in moderation. It's the only way to enjoy life. You can't be focused all the time on how many calories are going in and how many are being burned off (says the girl who is tracking just that with Weight Watchers. I know, I'm a hypocrite, sort of).

Ok, about the hypocrite thing, I track what I eat but I eat what I want. If I want to have a slice of chocolate cake, I do. I just make sure to write it down, and then not eat as much for another meal. I'm not starving myself, believe you me. In fact, I think I eat way too much. This is why my pants don't fit. Well, my pants probably don't fit because I stopped running. Sigh. I need to start running soon. Like Monday.

Are these someone else's pants?

Ok, seriously, it's not funny anymore. I put on my jeans from yesterday and I swear they're a size smaller. I can barely get my ass in them, and there's no room whatsoever to maneuver. I used to be able to put my entire hand in the front of my pants; that's how much room I had. And that was 2 months ago, tops. What the hell?

So what do I do after putting on the pants? I eat, of course. Why am I gaining weight? Because I just can't stop shoveling food into my face. I need to just stop eating for a month and get my pants back to where I can sit here comfortably. My dad is nagging me about going to the gym, but I just don't have the mental energy to execute that. Just getting to the interview and back wiped me out, and now I have to find some energy to get to therapy.

I get back from therapy around 7:30. Maybe I'll try to work out then? I'll think about it. Maybe just thinking about it will help.

As for the anxiety: it has got to stop. I am a complete and utter mess; dancing that thin line between amped and complete and total mental breakdown. I feel like I'm going to lose it. I don't know if it's me or the meds. I had that panic on Thursday last, before I went to the doctor, and it's just getting worse. So maybe it's me. Meds do take a long time to kick in, usually, so we'll see what the doc wants me to do.

Zyprexa wants me to gain weight

I can feel my body pushing up against my jeans, wanting to burst out the other side. All around the hips the pants are pushing in and up, making burbles of fat roll over my waistline. I swear these pants used to fit. I wore them last week and they weren't this tight. I have a serious problem, here. If these pants don't fit, what about all my work pants?

It's only been 3 days on the Zyprexa and already I can't stop eating. I feel fatter by the moment.

"The average weight gain for an adult or adolescent patient on Zyprexa is 20 pounds in three months. Some patients have put on as much as 60 pounds. 90% of patients on Zyprexa not only put on weight, but on excessive weight." Read that again. See it? 90%. 90. That's almost everyone. Makes me want to give up now.

They use Zyprexa for anorexics because it makes you eat (and, of course, it does other good things). It's like smoking pot and getting the munchies. You don't know what you want, but you'll try a taste of everything just to see if it's good, and then you can't go wasting it....

I wish I could say I didn't care, and just let it do it's thing, but I do care. I don't want to gain weight. Again, we're back to square one: exercise. I can't eat any better, since I'm living on good foods (and the occasional ice cream sandwich or kit kat), but I can exercise. God, just thinking about it is exhausting.

A little dose'll do you ya

I found a handy little guide from the Mayo Clinic on side effects. You can click on each one and it tells you a little about how to handle them. Some of the recommendations wouldn't work - like taking a nap during the day, since most people can't nap at work - but there are a lot of good suggestions in the pages. And, of course, one of the suggestions on almost all of the pages is to get regular exercise.

Sigh.

I'm working on getting up the motivation. When I think about going for a run I just think how draining that is, when in reality a run usually energizes me. But all I can think of is the long, arduous process of getting ready to work out, working out, and then getting back into clean clothes. It's all too much for me when I'm depressed. It just seems so overwhelming.

But I have to do it. There's no way I'm going to let myself gain those 40lbs back. It took me a while to lose them, and I can't imagine having to face myself if I failed by gaining it all back. I recorded what I ate today on Weight Watchers, and there's nothing but yogurt, popcorn, cheese, and beans on there, but I still went over the calorie quota for the day. It's just all about volume. I can't seem to stop eating. I feel hungry and thirsty and like I need to chew!

But I have a lot of willpower. I just need to put my mind to this one task and get motivated by losing weight. I can do this.

Get off your butt

I have my workout clothes on. The gym is on my way home from work, and so I thought I would just wear my workout clothes and see if that motivates me to stop there on the way upstairs.

I know exercise is good for depression, but Jesus, just getting the motivation to get out of bed is hard enough. Getting dressed takes forever, and being upright this long is killing me. It's weird, though. I'm in a mixed state where I'm so depressed I want to kill myself, but my body is up and running. It's at work, stocking shelves. It can't sleep very well. But my brain is fuzz.

Know what would help? Exercise! I just need to get to the treadmill, get on, and move for 30 minutes daily. That's not so hard, is it? But then I think of the whole process and it overwhelms me. Get dressed, go downstairs, turn on treadmill, workout, go back upstairs, shower, get dressed again. That's a lot! That's a lot of time and energy.

My dad said the other day that people his age live one year longer if they exercise daily. He calculated it out, and it would take him a year and a half on the treadmill in order to live an extra year. He does it anyway, but man that just sounds silly. But how else would I use that time? Sleep, probably, which is also good for you.

So will I exercise on my way home this afternoon? Probably not, but I'm halfway there. I'm dressed for it, at least.

Happy new year!

I can not believe it's 2011 already. It seems like the past year went by super quick with all the amazing things that have happened. I wonder what in the world is going to happen this year....

Resolutions for 2011:

1. Well, we know get a job and an apartment is number 1 on there. I have another interview on Monday, and a potential one later in the week. I think I should hear from more people now that the holidays are over. Right? Right. And of course, what comes from having a job is getting an apartment on my own again. It's been 4 or so months that i've been here, and I am grateful, but I miss having a place of my own. I miss having some alone time and my own stuff.

2. Actually train for the marathon and run them to the finish. I am so not prepared for march's marathon, nor any real running, since I have been extremely lazy the past few months. I need to get back out there on the road and prepare! I spent tonight with my cousins, and even invited me to come out in may for a half marathon in their hometown, so that's another one on the books.

3. Hm. Shouldn't you always have there of something? Good things come in threes.... Right? You know what? I'm going to keep up this blog. I really enjoy getting everything out on "paper." I know most of the time I'm talking to myself, but I'm ok with that. It has been extremely helpful to just talk it all out. So I think I will continue this journey with you, and thanks for listening.

Happy new year!

Recap: National Football Day

So I didn't make it on a run today, but I did get to see Emily and her family. She's in town for a week with her family visiting her parents and I got to go over and eat warm turkey sandwiches with lots of gravy, and homemade apple pie. Oh man, so good. The pie especially. It was easy, too, they offered me a beer and I just said no. When they started mixing up the Bailey's milkshakes I just said I should get going and headed back home. I blamed the snow, but I really didn't want to hang out while they all got wasted. They're a very drunk family, but very funny and wonderfully supportive.

Adam texted this morning, after reading yesterdays post, and said, "Sometimes you're really thick." I honestly don't know what he means. I honestly don't know what you mean! He's been telling me he doesn't know how he feels about me, and that he doesn't want anything, so why shouldn't I believe him? It was a wonderful kiss, but I am taking it as just that: a kiss. It doesn't mean he wants me, unless he says so. Right? I mean, I'm trying not to read into anything. I'm trying to be objective here. 3 weeks ago I would have taken it as a sign of something. Should I? I told him I'd come back and test the mistletoe again, but he didn't text back.

Anyway, I had pie, again, so it's time to go for a run tomorrow. I'll have lots of time to space out or think then. I'll probably space. It's nice to just stare at the scenery when you run. It's like meditation time. You get to clear your mind of everything but the sound and feel of your feet hitting the pavement and the feeling in your lungs. Sometimes I count my steps just for the rhythm of it. 1,2, 3, 4....

I ran!

I got my ass off the sinking spot on the couch where I spend my days and went to the gym. I ran for 40 minutes, completing not a lot of miles. I'm supposed to be doing 9 miles on Sunday. I'm not sure I'll make it, but I'm going to do at least 6. I promised myself I would get as far as the highway.

Treating myself well, including eating well today, has made my day a little better. I feel more refreshed now that I've worked out. I even inspired Michael to work out today. He's definitely planning on doing 9 this weekend, but he says he's going to do it tomorrow - Christmas.

I can't wait for Christmas. I love it so much. I love just seeing my dad in the Santa hat opening his presents. I love listening to my cousin's excitement as he opens every gift - he just gets so riled up! I love Christmas.

So I'm going to enjoy the holiday and try to be good to myself some more.

Dr. Adam says

So Dr. Adam says it's bronchiospasm, which is basically a part of asthma, which is causing my cough. Here, check out the details. Apparently it's very common in athletes, especially in the cold. He (who has asthma) says I can use an inhaler beforehand, but the article says I can do simple things like put a scarf over my mouth and nose, or warm up inside before I go out to run. All things I should be doing anyway. I read the symptoms, and I definitely had them, down to the upset stomach. And I blamed it on coffee. Poor coffee. Never did me wrong.

Speaking of Dr. Adam, we had a nice little chat about how he's always telling me what to do in AA and I finally said it, "I'm not as involved because everyone keeps yelling at me and trying to tell me what to do. AA isn't fun anymore." And he said something I didn't expect. "AA is supposed to be enjoyable. You're right. Sometimes it's not fun." He suggested I find some different meetings, which would be what I'm doing could I get my ass to a meeting.

We tend to argue a lot; he even called me bull-headed and argumentative, which I am. But, he's bull-headed and argumentative, too, and he speaks louder than I do, which makes it seem like he's yelling. He'll get really loud and then stop himself, breath really deep, and then try to start over at a lower pitch. Why do I think that's cute? Jesus, I don't know, but it is.

Map my run

I just mapped some runs. (One way)

- From my house to the therapist: 3 miles exactly one direction, 4.21 in the other.
- To the closest AA club: 1 mile.
- To the club that has more meetings: 6 miles (and there's a metro stop next door).

So now I have NO excuses to avoid any of three things: therapy, running, AA. Everything is in running (or even walking) distance from me. It's freaking cold outside, but it's not South Dakota or Canada, it's just cold. I can do it. That's what hats and mittens are for. And running. That will keep me warm.

So tomorrow I'm going to leave an hour early and run to therapy. It should only take me 30 minutes, but I just want to make sure I can get there (in case I wuss out and walk some) and it would be nice to get some coffee before the meet. Also, there's a metro across the street from therapy, so I won't have to run home in the dark.

Run back into those pants

I did it! I got my ass up off the couch and ran today. I ran up to the mall (2 miles uphill) and did the last of my Christmas shopping, and then ran back down the hill. That's a whole 4 miles (with a 30 minute break in between)! It felt good, but damn cold. It was 36 degrees outside and I wore some workout gloves my mom bought me yesterday and some warm pants I got a month ago. My chest was a little cold (I had a backpack on which kept my back warm),and I asked for a warm running coat for Christmas. I had two layers on and it was just enough by the end of my run, but not quite enough during. I've got a bit of a cough now when I breathe in deep.

I've always thought I had exercise-induced asthma, because it always hurts to run in the cold, but I made it through with only a lot of snot. But since I self-diagnose, I read this: The contrast between the warm air in the lungs and the cold inhaled air or the dry inhaled air and moist air in the lungs, can trigger an attack. Once the attack is triggered, the airways begin to swell (bronchospasm) and secrete large amounts of mucus. I don't know about the damn cough, though. It could just be all the old smoking goo moving around. Yum.

I feel much better having worked out. I promised myself I would do it again tomorrow, but I'm not sure I'll be able to. I'm sure I'm going to be sore! But again, no excuses. I need to lose about 5 pounds to get back into my pants. That's totally doable by New Years if I go crazy, and by mid January if I go slow.

A confession

So I have to admit to you, dear reader, I haven't been to an AA meeting since the week after Thanksgiving. Now, that's only about 2 weeks ago, but that's a long time in the AA world. And I don't have a sponsor to call and keep me on track. That's also a big no-no. I also haven't been running or doing much but sleeping and sitting on the computer. No wonder I'm depressed! So I think I need to switch things up.

Tomorrow morning I'm heading out for a run. I need to do 9 miles (which is going to hurt) to stay on track for my marathon training. I need to get on that, even though it's 36 degrees outside. I have the clothes for it, and I have a treadmill downstairs if I chicken out. There's no excuse.

And I should go to a meeting tonight, but I'm pretty sure I won't. Instead, I'll try to hit the noon meeting that's a block from here. I would have no excuse not to go, even if it snows.

So really, no excuses, I need to fit into my pants and fit back in the things that keep me sober. I need to start back again from the beginning and get back in line.

Never just one

"When it comes to smoking cessation, there is no such thing as just one cigarette. They travel in packs."

I need to remember this all the time. That's why I'm avoiding places where cigarettes are right now. I know, just know, I'll bum one, and then I'll give up and just go buy a pack. I was at Rite Aid today and thought about buying a pack "just to have," which is such a lie. I would've smoked the hell out of those cigarettes.

There are a million things I could do instead of smoke. I really should get out for a run tomorrow morning. My body will thank me, my dog will thank me. I need to break in my new shoes, too. Maybe I'll run down to the river and run along the river for a while. It's Tuesday tomorrow, so not many people should be out on the path. Good for dogs, since he's scared of bikes and strollers.

I need to keep in mind the principles of AA during this quitting smoking time. Like H.A.L.T: Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Like they trigger drinking, they trigger smoking urges, too. I need to walk through my feelings; to really feel my feelings as they are instead of trying to hide them with cigarettes.

So just like AA, I'm admitting I'm powerless over cigarettes, and I need the help of my higher power to not smoke. I'm going to treat myself well, and hope that everything gets better. Cause it will.