Drop the rocks

We carry around so much baggage with us, and surround ourselves with issues that push people away. I heard someone talk tonight about how she never wanted to be with people; how it made her so nervous that she would rather be alone and drink. But then through AA she discovered the truth: you have to drop the rocks.

I've got to let a lot of stuff go. I keep hiding behind lies and mistruths. I keep lying to my sponsor about going to meetings. She asks, "Have you been to a meeting?" And I always say yes, or I'm going to go, even when I have no intention at all of going. Adam thinks I hate AA around here and wish I could go back to the old AA I knew. He's kind of right, but kind of wrong. I don't HATE AA here, I just don't like it as much.

Everything is different, which is fine, since I like different, but it's more intense. Everything in this town is more intense. People just live like that here, so I need to get back into that level of grind. I'm just not there yet. I'm not all "gung-ho" AA lady.

Sure, I've thought of going rogue; going on to just be sober on my own and not have to have a sponsor. But when I think about it, that's the road to a drink. I like AA. I like the steps, I like going to meetings, I like the literature. I suppose I just haven't found my niche yet. I've met some good people, but no one I think will be my friend.

That's another thing. It's nice to meet people, but I just am weary. I don't want to have friends based on just the fact that we're both sober. I don't want to sit around with someone and talk about sobriety all the time, which is what everyone seems to do. It's getting on my nerves.

They tell you to change everything, and a lot of times I hear people say your past friendships are all built on alcohol. Well, I think that's b.s., or at least it is for me. My friendships have lasted these 5 months of sobriety, and actually grown stronger because I'm able to think about them and not just myself. I want to, and will keep these friendships. I don't like when my sponsor gets all weird when I talk about hanging out with friends she doesn't know.

Maybe it's my sponsor who I don't like. She's nice, and we've moved me back to step 4, which is where I was before I left, but she is gung-ho AA. She got sober when she was 20, so this is all she's ever known. This is where her life is. AA is not my life. It will never be my life. It will be a part of my life, and an important part, but not the center of my living.

I know Adam will hate that. He thinks AA should come first before everything. If it works for him, that's great, but I really think people are more important than theory. It's like I wouldn't put my religion first. I believe in God, and I believe in AA, but they are things, not people. I'm not going to let someone get in between me and sobriety, no, which may be his take, but I'm also not going to let AA take over my life.

I'm rambling.