Released to the wild

I let go a little today, and traded in 5 boxes of books for $15. I know! I was almost appalled at how little could be offered for my treasures, but I let them go all the same. I want to them to have a good home. I want people to find them on the shelves of that rinky dink bookstore and wonder, "Will this be as good as it looks?" And for the majority of them, I can say yes. I've read and loved each of those books, and each one is it's own special piece.

I sat in my storage space this morning and went through my boxes one by one. 15 boxes of just books, and I managed to let go of a third. I think that's major progress. It made me want to dig deeper in to storage. What else can I let go of? What else don't I need in my life? I can't think of anything in there but the dried goods that I could get rid of. I really had a pared down life. I didn't collect, except books and art.

I found my taxes, too, though a few weeks too late. I also found a vision board I made last year for Jennifer's birthday. I didn't look at it. I know it's bright and positive. It is colorful and cheery, with a melancholic undertone. I just know. That's what my visions are always like.

Detatchment with love

Adam came over to give me a hug and see how I was doing. As he left, he told me he was "detaching with love." Ok, I've heard that before, but it is normally used as a synonym for loving you from a distance, no?

"We take responsibility for ourselves; we allow others to do the same. We detach with the understanding that life is unfolding exactly as it needs to, for others and ourselves. The way life unfolds is good, even when it hurts."

Right, so it's letting go of the other person and letting the chips fall where they may. It means he's been talking about me at therapy. He was saying how he's worried about me, but he's not going to take it on. "You can call me, you know." I know. But it's so hard to reach out to anyone. I don't know what to say; don't know what I need.

I was wary of physical contact when he said he was coming over. I feel so weird right now and I didn't think I could handle touch. It wasn't bad. I felt a little more relaxed, and he made me laugh a few times. I'm glad he didn't stay too long, though. I don't really feel up to interactions.

What the hell am I going to do on Tuesday during the interview? I hope I can pull it together by then.

Is that you God?

There's a neat little post today on Acting On Impulse (on Paulo Coehlo's blog). The priest has an internal impulse to preach right then and there and, despite his embarrassment and inclination to stay seated, he delivers a sermon. He never gets to know if it had any impact on anyone, or sees any tangible results, but he still believes that it served some purpose.

Sometimes you just have to listen to your HP. Sometimes those little "impulses" are your HP talking to you, telling you the right thing to do in the moment. But how can you tell if it's ego telling you what to do or your HP? That's where it gets tricky. There are some obvious indicators - like if it's something obviously bad for you or others, like stealing or lying, it's probably your ego; and if it's something like helping an old lady across the street or being a priest and delivering a sermon, that's probably a good thing. But what about all the other little impulses?

That's where having a relationship with your HP in the first place comes in handy. You're more likely to do what's right if you know where the next right action's message usually comes from. I know when I talk to and hear from God I get a calming feeling. So if I'm feeling calm and get an impulse to do something, I can usually suspect good things. If I'm all amped up, I bet it's just my mania talking.

You'll find your own way of telling, but just make sure the things you do won't get you or anyone else in prison, and you're probably ok.

A higher power in the solstice

The total eclipse tonight was pretty cool. Click here to see NASA's photo stream from Flickr. It was pretty amazing to see that big rock just sitting there in the sky. It looked like it was just hanging there "Like a balloon," my dad said. It makes you think about planets, rocks, gravity, and the expansive nature of the universe.

There's so much out there that we can't possibly be the only sentient-life-formed-filled planet. There has to be other places where souls exist in some form or another. A place where they've come up with their own higher powers. Where they watch total eclipses and think of rocks and gravity, even if they haven't discovered gravity yet. Or did way before we did.

So why would a higher power give a shit about us? Well, maybe when you think like that, you just have to think "higher" doesn't mean "smarter" it can just mean bigger. Something out there is bigger and more important than you. And that's an easy one to see. It's pretty obvious we're little and the world revolves around something other than us. If you believe in the bigger not necessarily wiser version of a higher power, you still have to admit that the laws of physics know more than you do, and the universe is incredibly smarter in it's constant turnings and twistings to keep life forms alive and giant rocks flowing in different patterns.

Whatever you think a higher power is, it made a pretty good show tonight. Happy solstice!

What's the itinerary?

,
Ohhh, I like this:

"I've often said that I'm definitely okay with God's plan for me, as long as he slips an itinerary under the door every day so I know what it is.

Today, there's no schedule, so I'll just have to go on faith."

Thanks, Ed. It looks like he doesn't post much, but when he does it reads well.

I have so much trouble with the third step. Or I suppose I don't. I just say it every day: I'm not in control here, something else is. I have nothing to do with the outcome, I can only do the steps needed to make something happen.

Just like alcohol, give up smoking

"Give cessation time and you will be free.
Give smoking time and it will kill you."

I think this will be my mantra. Give it time; turn it over. This is from an article on "Junkie thinking," which is a lot like the thinking people have when quitting alcohol. People think, "I can have just one," and they never can. Just one cigarette makes you crave just one more. You can never really have just one. I suppose people who don't have addiction problems can do it, but us addicts can't.

I met with Annie the other day, and she said she quit smoking 3 months ago. When she saw me smoking as I walked up, she thought, "Great! Now I can bum one off her. Maybe I'll just chain smoke while we talk!" But she prayed about it. She said she prayed while we talked, and she was "cured" of the obsession to ask me for a cigarette.

Just like quitting alcohol, I need to turn it over and ask God to relieve me of the urge to smoke. I can deal with the side effects, just like I was able to deal with the side effects I got from not drinking. I'm strong and persistent. I just need to make that commitment to not smoking.

Give cessation time and you will be free.
Give smoking time and it will kill you.

It's all about the search

"When it comes to God, it's not about the finding, it's about the seeking."

I talked to one of my pigeon sisters this morning, and she went to a meeting where they talked about the chapter about agnostics. She's a former Catholic and hasn't come to terms with the praying and higher power yet. She only has 13 days, so I told her it will come. She can always use the group as her higher power until she figures it out.

I like that it's the seeking. I've heard that from priests and nuns all my life. It's not about belief, it's about the questioning. It's about the looking into something and trying to find out what it means to you. I'm pretty lucky that I knew exactly where to turn when AA spoke of a higher power. I've always talked to God, even when I didn't believe in the church, I always believed there was something out there greater than me.

My goal now is to trust: to turn it over and let God have control. I come back to the third step daily. I have so much trouble just letting it go.

Drop the rocks

We carry around so much baggage with us, and surround ourselves with issues that push people away. I heard someone talk tonight about how she never wanted to be with people; how it made her so nervous that she would rather be alone and drink. But then through AA she discovered the truth: you have to drop the rocks.

I've got to let a lot of stuff go. I keep hiding behind lies and mistruths. I keep lying to my sponsor about going to meetings. She asks, "Have you been to a meeting?" And I always say yes, or I'm going to go, even when I have no intention at all of going. Adam thinks I hate AA around here and wish I could go back to the old AA I knew. He's kind of right, but kind of wrong. I don't HATE AA here, I just don't like it as much.

Everything is different, which is fine, since I like different, but it's more intense. Everything in this town is more intense. People just live like that here, so I need to get back into that level of grind. I'm just not there yet. I'm not all "gung-ho" AA lady.

Sure, I've thought of going rogue; going on to just be sober on my own and not have to have a sponsor. But when I think about it, that's the road to a drink. I like AA. I like the steps, I like going to meetings, I like the literature. I suppose I just haven't found my niche yet. I've met some good people, but no one I think will be my friend.

That's another thing. It's nice to meet people, but I just am weary. I don't want to have friends based on just the fact that we're both sober. I don't want to sit around with someone and talk about sobriety all the time, which is what everyone seems to do. It's getting on my nerves.

They tell you to change everything, and a lot of times I hear people say your past friendships are all built on alcohol. Well, I think that's b.s., or at least it is for me. My friendships have lasted these 5 months of sobriety, and actually grown stronger because I'm able to think about them and not just myself. I want to, and will keep these friendships. I don't like when my sponsor gets all weird when I talk about hanging out with friends she doesn't know.

Maybe it's my sponsor who I don't like. She's nice, and we've moved me back to step 4, which is where I was before I left, but she is gung-ho AA. She got sober when she was 20, so this is all she's ever known. This is where her life is. AA is not my life. It will never be my life. It will be a part of my life, and an important part, but not the center of my living.

I know Adam will hate that. He thinks AA should come first before everything. If it works for him, that's great, but I really think people are more important than theory. It's like I wouldn't put my religion first. I believe in God, and I believe in AA, but they are things, not people. I'm not going to let someone get in between me and sobriety, no, which may be his take, but I'm also not going to let AA take over my life.

I'm rambling.

Give it up

"Through believing that a Higher Power can help, a man or a woman formerly eaten up with raging fear, anger, shame, doubt, guilt, and frustration may become calm and begin to grow spiritually by focusing on doing some simple steps, going to meetings, reading the Big Book, and talking to a sponsor."

Ah, those seven deadly sins. The fear, and anger, shame, doubt, etc. And frustration. My therapist and I were talking this afternoon about being in limbo. You're in that state where you're grieving over the past, looking to a bright future, but in neither of them. I feel like I'm there now. I've got that fear of the unknown, the shame in getting fired, anger at my situation, and doubt that it will all turn out ok. I'm trying to be really positive now about getting the right position, or getting a position in general. I'm trying to offer it up again: let go and let God.

I haven't been very good about that lately. I've been trying to just be peaceful about this whole process and try not to control it, but it's so hard to do! I need to just say, "God, this is all in your hands." So I'm waiting and hoping that the more I turn it over, the more I'll realize the promises. Things will get better once I hand it over.

Spirit animals - Lizard and bear

Interesting how one of my spirit animals really pertains to my life right now. As I mentioned, the lizard and the bear are my spirit animals. I already have a tattoo of a bear claw, and so I think lizard is next. Just where to put it is my problem. I have a dragon already, which may have to be the substitute.

"If Lizard is your power animal, heed your own intuition before anyone else’s. Lizard is proposing immediate change in one or more areas of your life. You may need to let go of old ideas, patterns, belief systems, habits, actions or lifestyle because the old may threaten you in some way now. It is time to let go."

Right now is the time to let go. I've been trying to let go and let God, and to redefine myself not by the DSM. I have to let go of the past, and let my intuition speak for the future. Also, as a Pisces, part of my life is spent in the dream world, which lizard governs.

Bear is my other spirit animal, which also has a lot to do with following your intuition.

"From this we can see it is good to know and realise that we sometimes need to be alone, to ponder and reflect, to examine our thoughts and emotions, where we are headed on our life journey. We need to trust and follow our instincts."

Again, being quiet, especially in winter months, and following what your introspective self will lead you to.

I seem to have pretty incredible spirit animals, and those that match my personality perfectly.

Listen to the silence

A great insight this morning from Moving Beyond Addiction:

"Are you afraid of what you will hear in that stillness? Don't be. Some of our truths are ugly, but that's never the whole truth. All of us have an innate wisdom--somehow, somewhere, we know what is really going on with us and we know what to do about it. That's why I say in the exercises in The Law of Sobriety that you can breathe in the questions and breathe out the answers. In some part of you, you already know the answers. I am discovering that even if I don't find the answers right away, they will show up when they are ready to un-fold. I can't push the answers, but rather allow them to flow effortlessly without pushing them too soon."

Sometimes it's best to just sit in your thoughts and let them in and out through breath. That's a good reason why prayer and meditation are so heavily relied on in AA. In order to hear your HP's voice you've got to quiet down your own voice. Don't be afraid of the silence you may hear.

I have a serious problem quieting my mind. There's so much going on up there, especially now. It's hard for me to sit in meditation, but my therapist says it gets better the more you practice it. Sometimes practice and repetition lead to habit, and habit makes everything easier. Apparently it works in monkeys, too.

Stiring my lemonade

Over at If You're Going Through Hell there were some good insights this morning about your attitude towards life and how it affects everything. He said, "We are free to choose the attitude we wish to bring to any situation, no matter how terrible."

Like Michael from AA used to say, misery is optional. Everything is the way you look at it. Is it hard to be unemployed, yes, but is it also a blessing? Yes! I get to take a break from the grind of going to work, living on a schedule. I get to do whatever I like during the day. I can accomplish anything, and amazingly, my schedule is pretty full right now. Granted, most of it is with interviews.

I'm so grateful to be able to live with my dad while this is all going on, because then I'm not desperate for a job. I can hold out for the one that will suit me, and I'll suit them, so I don't end up somewhere that I hate.

All in all, I've been really lucky in this whole process. I have an incredible support system, and nothing to complain about. I even have health insurance, for crying out loud. That's not something every unemployed person has access to. So I'm not just looking on the bright side and making lemonade, I had lemonade to begin with.

His will for us

Just went to a fantastic meeting with a good friend. She was so funny. "I wanted to point out across the room: gay, gay, gay, I don't know, gay." She was trying to make me feel more at home from where I came from, even though I'm not gay.

The women talked about the second part of the 11th step, praying only for His will for us and the power to carry that out. I keep praying for His will for me. I am trying to practice patience again, and just wait to see what God has planned for me, instead of using my ego and forcing my will on everything.

A lot of women talked about how they've had trouble lately with work and letting go. A lot of people were also unemployed or had other issues going on in their lives. It's kind of nice sometimes to know I'm not alone in this.

So God's will. What is His will? Obviously it's for me to have interviews, but we'll see which one turns out. Should I take the first one offered to me as a sign of His will, or should I wait for the one I want? I hope His will is for me to get a good job I like, that I can stay in for a couple of years.

It's not what you think it is

It's interesting, the phrase "you have another thing coming" actually is "you have another think coming." Which means:

"To have 'another think coming' is to be greatly mistaken. The phrase is usually spoken by an antagonist as 'you have another think coming'; the implication being that one will shortly be obliged to adopt a different viewpoint, either by the presentation of indisputable evidence, or by force."

I think that's really big in AA. It's time to change when you join the parade of sobriety. You can't keep on going with your old life like nothing has happened. So you have another think coming, meaning you have to change your views.

It's hard to see where you can change, at first. I know I'm having trouble thinking of what has to change, besides my impatience and my reliance on my own self-will for everything. I suppose in your first year that's enough to change.

It works if you work it

"Faith without works is dead."

You have to work this program. God can give you the tools, but you've got to use them. One of the great tools is listening to other people tell their stories - really listening to them instead of being up in your head about it.

"Your brain isn't there to think," said one guy tonight. "I thought, 'I'm an intelligent girl, I shouldn't have to ask anyone else,'" said another girl.

I think I'm an intelligent girl. This month has been about asking for help when I need it. I have been calling people when I'm feeling crazy, or asking my parents for help with my life. I've been networking with people to help find a job. I've been reaching out for the first time in my life. I'm listening to God, and using the tools that He gave me. And I'm trying not to think too much. I need to shut up the committee that's telling me I'm stupid and useless, and shiftless. I need to just listen to God and move along at His pace. I'm intelligent, yes, but I need His help to be a better person. I've got to give up being the director, and let Him take charge.

Free falling

Step three is a free fall, they say. "When we truly accept our powerlessness over life, we discover that there is only falling." Rami Shapiro, Recovery. You learn that hitting rock bottom is just breaking through the ego and learning that you're falling, and there is no bottom. You just have to trust that there is something out there bigger than you that's going to control your fall.

That's a scary thought. To be free falling through life. But I suppose it's pretty true. But through step three, "We are given a peaceful knowledge that we are alright and our lives will proceed as they should, if we just keep letting go." Marya Hornbacher, Sane.

Every day I work on letting go. I'm not sure if I like the free falling metaphor, but perhaps the walking blindly through life. You can touch and feel things around you, and respond to them, but what's leading you is that inner something, that feeling that you're going in the right direction.

So how do you give it up to your HP? By remaining powerless and, according to Marya, just doing the next right thing.

Changing perspective

Had lunch with Adam today. It's nice to be so close and be able to hang out with him on a semi-regular basis. He really does give the best hugs.

On today's theme of changing your perspective, we talked about people who rant all the time instead of looking for solutions. I'm a pretty solution oriented gal. I like to look for the things I can do instead of the things I can complain about. I usually don't complain a lot.

He's having trouble at work and home with complainers who don't want solutions. I feel for him. I'm pretty lucky that both of my parents are pretty optimistic folks who look on the bright side of life and always made really good lemonade from lemons. Though my dad does complain about politics. I always tell him to go back to work and work for change if he's so mad, but he is loving retirement.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it to that meeting tonight. It's a dual-diagnosis one in the city, but mom just dropped off the dog. I've got to make sure my dad will be here to hang out with him, since she didn't bring the cage. Enough about me. How are you?

Always look on the bright side of life

Shifting your perspective on things can have an amazing effect on your life. When you look for the shitty stuff in life, that's what you'll see.

"But Katie suggests a subtle, but profound shift to this belief: "Everything happens for you, not to you." You can begin to see that even the painful or undesirable experiences in life are there for you to learn, to feel something different, or to help you grow and mature as a person."

Everything in life is a chance to learn. I'm learning a lot from this unemployment thing. I've learned a little patience so far, and that having the time to work on my sobriety has given me the chance to grow as a person, and grow in my spirituality. Working, I would usually make up an excuse, like I'm so tired, to not go to meetings or read at night.

I am also learning how to be dependent without it threatening my feelings as an independent woman. Just living with my parents and relying on them for a lot of things doesn't mean I'm lost and don't have opportunities. I have been able to do a lot of things, like professionally write and volunteer for organizations. I've been able to spend some time working already, and supporting myself with my savings instead of financially depending on my parents.

So shift your perspective. Everything happens for a reason, and despite how it may look, that reason usually leads to something good.

Unmanageable

Unmanageable. Life is unmanageable. But what is management?

To manage is to orchestrate something. "To continue to function, progress, or succeed, usually despite hardship or difficulty; get along." It's like the Big Book says, we try to be the director of the play of our lives. We take on the roles of scriptwriter, actor, manager. We believe that we have control over our lives, and that the things we do really can lead us to one thing or another, when we don't really have that option. We can do everything "right" and things can sometimes turn out in a different manner.

We have no control. Does this sound depressing? A little, maybe, but really, it's freeing. We don't have to control anything, because it's useless to try.

And this is where the freedom comes in. When we believe in a higher power, we can accept that it is in control, not us, so we can let go. We can stop stressing about the outcome of everything, because in the end, it's really not up to us. Instead, we can let go and be free.

Acceptance

Tathata is sort of the Buddhist equivalent to a higher power. Shapiro says in Recovery, "Tathata is the way things are at any given moment. Tathata is not static; it is changing, but changing at it's own pace."

Ahh, the pace of God. He does things slowly, or quickly, depending on your perspective of time. The promises of AA say that things may come to us quickly or slowly. We can not expect things to be done any other way. We have to come to grips with the fact that we are not in control. We are just waiting to hear from our higher power about what's happening, and then move to act on it.

We expect things to change instantly. I want a job, and I want it now. I want an apartment, and I want it now. You may want something to happen, and you want it last Thursday. But that's not the way life, or your higher power, works. We've got to wait, and not hurry up to wait like we do when we're racing through bumper to bumper traffic.

We need to accept things as they are at the moment. That's part of powerlessness. Acceptance. Probably the hardest thing to do. I know I'm having trouble with it. But once I do it, I feel free. I feel better. It's just a continual process of letting go.