Whatever Lola wants

Adam is so like my dad - doesn't take risks, moves slowly and methodically, is almost stuck in his ways. It's kinda frightening. I love Adam, I do, and I told him so. I told him I want to be with him, and he didn't really reply. He just sort of suggested I think about it.

Well, I'm thinking. I'm a big risk taker. Do I want someone who won't jump when there's an opportunity? Do I want someone who is afraid of life? I mean, that's my interpretation of it. Nothing fun ever happens that way. You just buy your house and have your kids and lament the fact that you can't go on vacation. That sounds horribly boring to me. I don't know.

Maybe I'll never get married. Maybe I should become a nun. They'd pay for college and send me all over the world to teach. I wouldn't have to worry about bills, and I would have fun roommates. Nuns are so cool. I've always liked and respected them. It would suck not to have sex ever again, but at this point it's not like it matters.

Just thinking.

Bittersweet goodbyes

Just had a night on the town with all my old buddies. We went to the same bar we've been going to for decades, and sang the same songs, in front of the same crowd. There's something nice about that... But tonight was a goodbye. Last time I moved 3,000 miles away, I knew I'd be back someday. I didn't expect it to be under these circumstances, but such is life. Tonight, I know one thing for sure: you can never go home again.

Adam and I had a moment outside as he left, an I told him it was all about him: my coming home, my quitting smoking, my waiting. But I can't hold out hope anymore. He's not ready for a relationship, and I am. I love him, but it's just time to drop that dream. It's time to let go. Move on. Boy, does it hurt. But not like before. It's more of a dull ache- a longing for things to be different.

I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm going back to start fresh. I'm going to just be me, and not wait on anyone.

The toad prince

Tonight I sat outside on the phone and talked to Jennifer, Adam, and Michael. The whole time a giant toad sat two feet from me and stared. I don't know what he wanted, but he kept coming back. I tried to touch him twice, and he hopped away, but came back.

Adam worried me a bit this weekend when he was hanging on me and making comments about spending alone time together. I wanted to see how he was doing, and he's fine. Just the normal situations in his head. He's still working on him, which is important, and learning how to be alone (not in a relationship). It took me years to do that, so I expect nothing from him. "I have a lot of questions, and you don't have the answers," I said. He's just in a place where his spiritual development comes first, and I don't think he's even thinking about me. That hurts, a little. I want him to think about me; to think about us and all the possibilities there. But he doesn't, and that's got to be ok with me. I know I say this a lot, but I've just got to accept that he doesn't want to be with me, and move on.

And then there's Michael. Michael wants to marry me. He's asked a few times now, and he's coming out here in August to run a race with me. He is determined. I love Michael, I do, but there's no spark there. He's a great guy and a really good friend, but I don't crave him like I crave Adam.

My cousin keeps reminding me there are other people out there besides the two of them. I can look elsewhere. Perhaps someone who makes me feel that spark but who also wants me like Michael does. If I could just smush them together and create one man, that would be optimal! I don't have to settle for Michael, I'm in no rush to get married right now, and I don't have to wait for Adam. I can find someone entirely new.

But I don't want to. I want that familiarity. I want to feel as loved as Michael makes me feel, and I want that rush that Adam gives me. I feel like I'm going to cave under Michael's pressure. He does offer stability, love, and health insurance.

Maybe I should just disappear for a bit....Go off to toad princess land.

Intentions

I wish I could read people's minds sometimes, though some of the fun is figuring out people. "Don't overthink it," Adam always reminds me. But most of my overthinking is because of him. Most of the people I know say what they mean and act the same way. He's so... bipolar! He says, "I want to be friends. I'm not looking for anything right now but working on myself." And then he says, "I want to spend more alone time with you," and kisses me on the neck. He was petting my hair (I got a haircut) and I asked him if he liked it and he just said, "I like you."

So, here I am, overthinking it. Does he want to date? Is this what all the touching and kissing is about? What does he mean he wants to spend more time alone with me? We see each other about as much as normal friends see each other.... So I'm all up in my head, and trying not to be. I have to go with what he has explicitly said. Like the saying goes, when people show you who they are, believe them. And he's shown me he's just as confused as I am.

Jennifer thinks I should just ask him point blank: do you want to be with me? And if not I should stop talking to him. I don't think it's to that point. I think I'm confused over whether I would want to be with him. Sure, my body wants him, and I feel happy and comfortable around him, but there's a lot that worries me. He's kinda racist and pigheaded when he talks. I know he's not racist, but people who don't know him might get the wrong idea. And he acts and dresses like a young boy, not a 30 something. Which is fine, but bugs me sometimes.

I think if we ever did get back together we would need couples counseling. He's still mad at me for breaking up with him 6 years ago. We would have to talk some of that old stuff out, methinks.

It's raining.

One day at a time

All things resolve themselves in time. That's why it's one day at a time, right?

My mom said something interesting to me. "What if your father thinks you getting tattoos is a rejection of him, and that's why he doesn't want you to show them off to him." Oh. I never thought about it like that. Maybe it's not a rejection of me, maybe he thinks it's about him. Maybe the best course of action is to not take it personally and to just continue not showing my tattoos around him. Let it go. No resentments.

I can't seem to sleep tonight. But that's fine, since both Adam and Michael are coming home from long trips and have stuff they want to talk about. I feel bad sitting here upstairs talking at midnight, but I'm sure my typing could be heard around the house as well. Adam went racing this weekend, which sounded like fun! It sounds like he did a good job, too. Michael went camping with a bunch of my old friends, and I'm a little jealous, but oh well.

Anne and the very bad day

Sometimes you've got to dig deep and grab that small part of you that might be excited, and hold on to it. I had interviews number 30 and 31 the other day, and I just don't care. People ask how they went, and I don't know. It's all the same. They're just like all the others that didn't call me back. I'm just feeling jaded. And then Adam and I got into a fight, my dad told me I should never show my tattoos around him, and I lost my contact in my eye. All petty shit, right? But it builds up.

So let's dissect this: my dad basically told me to keep pretending to be something I'm not while I'm with him. He doesn't like the real me - the one covered in tattoos. It's not like I ever curse around him or do anything else I do with others, but pretending to be the "good girl" forever sucks while it's 94 degrees and you have to wear a sweater to cover up your tattoo. Why can't he accept and love me for who I am? That's a hard lesson I just had to learn, and part of the reason I moved cross-country last time. It just makes me want to run away again.

Adam and I got in a fight. He said he was going to come up north with me for the week, and then bailed because he got a better offer. I don't blame him for bailing - he was asked to do something really cool and special - but he does this a lot. "I'll call you back," and then it's weeks before you hear from him. "I'm coming out," and then you don't know his travel plans till the day before, or even if he's coming or not. It's selfish to keep your plans to yourself. I think the biggest part, besides the not being able to plan around his word, is that I get excited to see him and then he bails at the last minute. Sure, he shows up when there's trouble, and I can always count on him then, but I think it's because he likes the chaos. When it's just he and I, I can never trust that he's coming. I don't deserve to be treated like that. I don't know how to talk to him about it because he just wasn't hearing me before.

And that's pretty much it. I'm just frustrated and a little disappointed in people.

29 and counting

Had my 29th interview the other day, and it went just as well as the other 28. They want me to come in for interview number 30. But my dream job just opened up up north, and I'm praying they call me! It's for a premier psychiatric institution with researchers and clients. I would be so pleased to be there. Hopefully they call me for an interview.

I really like being up north for the summer. Its not as hot here, and I'm spending some real quality time with my cousin and her kids. Its also really nice to be out of the apartment. Dad is great, but I was struggling there. AA meetings here are fascinating. All backwoods rednecks (theres a dude who doesnt even wear a shirt) but I love it. I would move north in a heartbeat. I've always loved it here. I spent my summers up here, and holidays. It just makes me happy.

But I'm hesitant. Why? Adam. I want us to be together, but I cant put my life on hold for him. I have to go where the jobs are. But I wish we could make something work. It would help if he wanted it. But I dont even mention it anymore. My cousin is obsessed. She met him when we went down for a weekend and said, "you light up when he's around!" i didn't even think about it, but I do! It's kind of frustrating. He's hard to gauge. A few months ago he said he wasnt looking for anything, so I will hold that as the truth until he tells me differently. I just have to go on and make my own plans.

Write me in

What's too much to ask of a friend?

So, there's a long story, but basically my mom said I need to set up a will and power of attorney in case she and my dad are dead and I become incapacitated. It's a long stretch (knock on wood) but it could happen. There's some family money that I would need to have administered. She said, think of someone in your age group who you trust, would trust with your life and your money. There are only two people I can think of: my cousin Roger, and Adam.

My cousin has two small kids and I don't know if he would be willing to take on something like that. I would like to ask him, though. He's the most responsible adult I know, and he has a conscience that wouldn't let him do wrong even in the most tempting situations. I know he would be responsible and go by my wishes.

And then there's Adam. I trust him with my life, and I think if someone had to pull the plug on me he could do it (with a lot of hand wringing). He is my best friend, but what is too much to ask of a friend? That's a lot of responsibility. And he knows my family. He would have to deal with them around the money issue. I should just leave it all to him. That would be hilarious.

Anyway, I have to come up with something soon (she said). I want to talk to the family lawyer. I need to figure it all out, like who gets what of my grandparents in the event of my and my moms death. I mentioned writing a will to my dad and he started talking about all his books and what I should do if he dies. Ugh. I hope he never dies. One, because I love him, and two, because it would be a giant pain in the ass.

I hate death. But it's important to think of these things. I know Andrea is going to take the dog - she made that clear before - and Jennifer said she'd serve as dog backup. Hopefully I'll outlive that little bugger.

Now we're cooking with gas

I've been reading old posts on Adam and I remembered the crap that went down in January, how I felt so awful (because of depression and because he told me he just wanted to be friends). I think at the time I was in such a bad place that I almost didn't care. I wasn't prepared to be living my life at all, and so wasn't looking for a relationship.

So what's changed? I'm still not looking for a relationship, but I'm open to one. I wasn't before. None of this changes the fact that he still just wants to be friends. Sigh.

In some of the posts I really should have seen where depression was taking me. I was leaving the house sometimes, sure, but I was a real mess. I knew it was bad, but I swear the Abilify is a God send. Without it I just can't seem to function at all. And what's scary is I'm almost out. I went back to the doc and the only free ones he had were 2mg instead of 15mg. I took a bunch of them today to add up to 14mg, but I may just start taking 4mg to spread it out until he gets the BMS rep back in there with more. I don't know what I'm going to do long-term. I'm trying to get on the patient assistance program, but I'm having printer issues. I need to just suck it up and go to the library to print this stuff out. I need to send it in ASAP. I just can't be without the Abilify.

Delirious

So I've been thinking about Adam again. We hung out the other night with all of our old friends and it was so great to see him having fun. It took a while for him to relax into the situation, but I think once he realized no one was judging him, he was ok. It was good to have everyone out together. It was so much like old times that I had the compulsion to make out with him.

Not like I don't have that compulsion all the time, anyway. Yep, it's been years now and I still can't seem to shake these feelings I have for him. I was able to "get over it" for a little bit, but every time we hang out I just want to yell, "Love me!" Of course there's stuff about him I don't like, and I hate his bedroom furniture, but that doesn't keep me from wanting to be with him. Do I want to date him? Kind of, yeah. Wait. Yes. I do. I want to be with him. I love him.

So, my options. Run away, which sounds wonderful and like the solution to all my problems; discuss it with him AGAIN, which sounds like slow, painful rejection; or tough it out. I have been applying to jobs all over the country, but there's this part of me that keeps saying, "But if you stay here, maybe it will happen...." But I can't live on that dream. He's said no, so I need to assume he means it. Which means I'm down to run away or tough it out.

I suppose it all depends on where I get a job. My whole life is dependent on jobs right now. Blah. I hate loving him so much.

Alright, Phil. I'm counting on you

So tomorrow is Groundhog day and I'm hoping little Phil brings with him some good news. I, personally, love the snow and don't mind the longer winters at all, but let's use Phil as a gauge on how I'm going to feel this spring.

My aunt sent me an email. "I know it is taking every thing you have to keep it together. Only a few more days, the medicine will begin to work and it will be looking better. Tomorrow is groundhog day and I am sure that little critter will say that winter is coming to an end."

Finally, someone that understands. It seems like everyone else is expecting me to hold it together, and she actually acknowledges that it's taking every fiber of my being to not break down completely. And I've made my dad a worried mess, now. I knew I shouldn't have told him how I was feeling, and I even left out the suicidal ideation part.

I yelled at Adam earlier because he said I was "bullheaded" and "don't reach out for help." I call shennanigans. I asked my dad for help buying the meds that came too late; I got a therapist, that's help; I got on meds as soon as possible, that's help. What other help could I possibly ask for? He's "detaching with love" or whatever, so it's not like I'm heaping my burdens on him or anyone else. I don't ask for what I don't need. I don't need him worrying about if I'm going to kill myself. That's psychic energy he could be using to keep himself on track.

I am bad at reaching out, but I've done it this time. Things just, still, didn't work out the way I had hoped. Instead, I've got all this anxious energy to deal with and no outlet except eating. I should really go to the gym (If I keep saying it, will it come true?).

Damsels in distress

Interesting article on the portrayal of crazy in women on the big screen. Asked why male audiences might be drawn to "crazy chicks," the quote was, “I think it has to do with the Sir Lancelot feeling. Men might be more attracted to someone who has a degree of helplessness: being crazy is being helpless.”



Ah, yes, weak and helpless. I hate that description. Granted, that's sure how I feel when I'm depressed: weak and useless, like I can't even raise my body out of bed. So yes, there's some grain of truth in it, but I don't have to like being seen as helpless. There are plenty of things I can and actually do do for myself, even when I'm depressed. I am never helpless, I am just sometimes useless.

What's the difference? I think helpless is not being able to fend for yourself, and useless is the act of not doing anything for yourself. I'm perfectly capable, I'm just not going to do it because I'm depressed.

Do you like being rescued? I used to rescue my mom all the time from stuff, and Adam would tag along. I remember the first time he came and helped out. My mom went missing and I had to call the police and file a report. He and my roommate Calvin decided they would stay with me. I told them to go - again, I was perfectly capable of handling the situation - but he told me no. He wanted to be there with me. I really appreciated the support. I had never had anyone help me before. From then on, he was there for a lot of the mess. I let myself become dependent on his help. I let myself become a damsel in distress.

I wonder if that was part of the draw for him. Maybe that's where he's going with this detached love bit. He's trying not to get involved and rescue me. Huh. Interesting thought.

I totally lost the thread of this post, now that I'm thinking about Adam, so you'll just have to come to your own conclusions.

Detatchment with love

Adam came over to give me a hug and see how I was doing. As he left, he told me he was "detaching with love." Ok, I've heard that before, but it is normally used as a synonym for loving you from a distance, no?

"We take responsibility for ourselves; we allow others to do the same. We detach with the understanding that life is unfolding exactly as it needs to, for others and ourselves. The way life unfolds is good, even when it hurts."

Right, so it's letting go of the other person and letting the chips fall where they may. It means he's been talking about me at therapy. He was saying how he's worried about me, but he's not going to take it on. "You can call me, you know." I know. But it's so hard to reach out to anyone. I don't know what to say; don't know what I need.

I was wary of physical contact when he said he was coming over. I feel so weird right now and I didn't think I could handle touch. It wasn't bad. I felt a little more relaxed, and he made me laugh a few times. I'm glad he didn't stay too long, though. I don't really feel up to interactions.

What the hell am I going to do on Tuesday during the interview? I hope I can pull it together by then.

It's in the soil

"The growing season has been long and unproductive. Perhaps it's the soil that lacks nutrition?" -Julie, on Adam.

She's a smart cookie. But I said I wouldn't talk about that anymore. He and I are just friends, and so I'm going to take that boundary to heart. I've successfully become just friends with many of my exes and had none of this lingering love crap. So I know I can do it. It's just a matter of setting those boundaries and sticking to them.

I feel good about this. I feel like it's a huge weight to know that he really just wants to be friends, and I really just want to be friends. When we were talking I said, "I'm not asking anything from you. I love you, but I don't want a relationship with you." And it made me really think. What's the point, then? Do I just love him as a friend and not know how to identify that? Am I just used to loving people less? Or in a different way? I don't know. But to realize that you don't want anything to come from it is something. What do I want?

I just want that friendship, too. I think part of me just wants the physical relationship because I need that kind of touch right now, and he's the best candidate. Maybe it's not about him at all? Ok, on to a different topic.

It's the end of the world as we know it

Well, pat me on the back and call me congratulatory. I managed to take my angsty, crying mess of a self out of the house and out with my cousin Diane and her son. We went to a cinema and saw Megamind, which is super cute and adult-funny, but kid-funny, too. The 3 year old had as much fun as we did, eating nachos and candy and annoying the hell out of the woman in front of us.

When I got there, I was a mess. Adam had just called and we'd talked, again, about being friends. Neither of us, apparently, knows how to just be friends. He thinks I'm reading into his body language and doesn't know what to do with my profession of love. Sigh. I called him selfish. Ever since he's taken on self-help as a full time job all he does is talk about how things are fair or unfair to him; how his growing up affects him; etc. Which is great. It's good to dig deep and realize why you do the things you do and change the things that don't work. But oftentimes what comes out of his mouth just sounds self-centered. Which, again, I suppose is just fine. It doesn't affect me, except to make my eyes roll.

I told him I didn't want anything from him. I asked what he wanted from me. "Friendship. I want to give love and receive love." Awesome. Now we know our boundaries. Now we can reinforce them. I told him the physical stuff was too much for me, and he got a little defensive about "arbitrary lines you're drawing." I'm pretty sure there's a standard of appropriate and inappropriate. I'll just tell him to pretend I'm his sister Jane and act accordingly.

So I didn't do it right, and yeah, I ended up a mess after he had to hang up because he had an appointment, and yeah, I tried to cancel my date, but I went anyway and had a good time. And I've had a little time to think. I don't want anything from him. I don't want a relationship with him. I do just want to be friends; the love I have for him can be directed that way. The more I set and stick to boundaries the better off I'll be, and the better able I'll be to just tend the friendship.

I'm sick of talking about this, as I'm sure you're sick of reading about it. So I'll stop. Next post: something fascinating from the world of science!

Alone in a crowded room

I'm not sure what to do with myself. I had about 3 or 4 hours of sleep before Adam texted. He said he didn't like where we left it last night, and he hates having serious conversations late at night because nothing comes out right. He's probably right, there, but I believe in having conversations when they come up, not at predetermined times. You just end up not having them, then. Anyway, nothing was solved by text this morning. That was the end of the conversation - he feels bad and woke up thinking about it.


I'm not hungry. I've had coffee and diet Coke today and a cheese bite. I worked a little this morning and tried to just listen to music and space out, but I couldn't even focus on that. My mom also emailed yesterday saying she might move up north and wants to take the dog. I told her the dog was hers. He's already been there for months, and she really loves him. I think it's best for both of them. But it's still a loss for me.

I'm feeling really lonely right now. I don't have anything of my own, except some clothes and jewelry, my friends are all really far away, I lost my dog, and it's weird, but my dad being on vacation this week has made it worse. I just feel... alone. Not in like the, hey, I'm the only one in the apartment, alone, but alone like there's no one else in the building.

I'm jumping from up to down a lot. I need to just chill - just relax and stop thinking so much about everything.

Sigh.

I haven't slept yet. Granted, I did have a 3 1/2 hour conversation with Jennifer to keep me awake, but I decided it just wasn't worth going to sleep afterwards. I mean, all I'm going to do is lie there and be angsty, so I might as well sit here and type.

I've been all over the map tonight, but I think one thing is clear: change is on the horizon, again. I suppose 30 has been the year of changes, and it's still got almost 2 months to continue. Jesus, I don't even want to know what else could possibly change in my life.

But now the big change is my heart. I have decided I can't go on letting myself be deluded into thinking about Adam as a potential love affair. He and I are just friends, and so I'm going to start acting like it. What does it mean? I don't really know, yet. I'll have to play it by ear. But I do remember something....

I never was convinced he loved me in the first place. When we were dating I always thought it was a trick. And he definitely loved getting high more than me, because he would ditch me for a drink any time. I didn't notice it then, but I knew something wasn't right. When we broke up I had this incredible sense of relief. I know, it sounds awful, but I was so relieved I didn't have to be scared anymore that the person I was with didn't love me. I didn't have to love someone so much and always wonder. I could just be free to be me.

So why would I want that kind of love back? I can't figure it out, either, but again, the heart is a tricky thing. It's kind of freeing to give up again; to say ok, I'm done. You win. Now I can just focus on me and not have to care what's going on between his ears unless he calls and wants to talk about something. That's what friends do, right? Friends don't obsess.

I'm so sick of the obsessing and the obsession. Pining and moping, dreaming and thinking about it all the fucking time. So boring. Wow, what am I going to do with all my free time?

Well, that happened

Adam and I just had a chat (well, this was hours ago, now) and talked a bit about that "thing" between us. He mentioned that I wear my heart on my sleeve and it must be hard for me because he doesn't want to be in love with anyone right now. He also mentioned how he's trying to act in accordance with what comes out of his mouth, and he thinks he's doing an ok job at it. A huh.

Where should we start?

Yes. Yes, it's hard for me. I don't know why, but I still love him and yes, it hurts when he talks about dating other people or whatever. Yes, it's hard to be with him without being with him. But there's a reason it's so hard.

I'm really good at separating out emotions and roles I have to play. I'm perfectly fine just being his friend and caring about him that way. But where it gets muddy, and where I get hurt and confused, is in his behavior. His body language screams be with me, when his voice says I don't want to be with anyone. It's completely a case of saying one thing and doing another, and that's confusing to me, especially since I want to believe what his body language is saying.

But does he know he's doing it? Ah. I was talking to Jennifer and we both agree: if he knows he's doing it then he's cruel and I shouldn't allow someone to treat me like that. If he doesn't know he's doing it then he's got another set of issues, there. I don't know if he just wants that kind of level of intimacy with me but thinks it can remain a friendship like that? Whatever it is, his behavior doesn't respect my feelings, and so I can't let it go on.

So. No more sleeping together, no matter how much I like it. No more staying the night. No more lingering hugs. Can't do it. No more looking at him longingly (he says I do, but God's honest is I usually catch him looking at me and so respond).

As Jennifer says, I need to "deprogram." In any situation like this the easiest thing to do is to make a clean break, but that just can't happen. We've got too much history and I value the friendship too much to throw it away. So, instead, we've just got to change the dynamic. We're friends, and anything that comes close to that line is going to be questioned aloud and stopped. I think once the behavior stops it will be easy for me to stop thinking he does want to be with me, and allow me to move on with just thinking we're friends.

I am capable of this. We'll see what happens when I start to pull back a bit. I don't want anything to ruin our friendship, but this situation is unfair to me and painful. I'm ready for it to change.

F*%$ the heart

It's so frustrating. I have so much to give, you know? I'm a person full of emotion and love. Someone who can cry and feel and give, give, give. But the person I want to give it to scares me. I never know what's going on. He touches me, he looks at me for a while, he wants to cuddle with me, he wants to see me... but he wants to be friends, he thinks too much, he doesn't know what to feel. So I'm trapped. I can't let it all out, and when I let anything out I get scared of the reaction. Should I even tell him I like to cuddle or will he then push me away for getting too close?

Sometimes when we say hello or goodbye we'll hug for hours. It just feels like he's trying to pull me into him. He'll squeeze me tight and lift me off the ground or cradle his head in my neck and rock back and forth. And I'll think, good, now I can hold him back. I can rub his back or pet the back of his head. I can squeeze back and say through my body how much I miss him.

Or then there are nights like tonight where he doesn't even use both hands. Where I ask for a second hug and he seems reluctant.

I told him I'm confused sometimes; that I walk on eggshells around him. I knew it would upset him, but I don't think I was clear enough on the concept. I'm scared of losing him if I say what I really think, because I sometimes think he's looking for a reason to run from me. There's just so much going on there. It's not a normal friendship; it's laden with emotion and meaning, whether either of us likes it or not. And I don't know what to do. I can think about it all I want and rationalize how I should feel, or what I should do, but that's all bullshit. The heart wants what the heart wants.

And what does my heart want? Sometimes I really ask; I really sit down and think, is this it? I mean, there are some bad things about him - I'm not blinded by love. I see his faults, his flaws, his issues. I know what they are, and I see their affects. I know I'll always have to hold a little something back for fear of scaring him with just how much I am capable of feeling, and how much of it is directed at him.

But I can never seem to help it. When I turn off my brain all I see is him. All I feel is love. My heart wants him, illogically, irrationally, indescribably. I've tried to make it stop - you all have watched me try and try. You've heard me list the reasons to wait and see or date other people, or whatever. You've heard me talk about how cold he can be sometimes to me. You've heard all the conflicting emotions. And I'm living them.

So I need to stop messing around. I need to make a choice. I know, not making a choice is a choice, and that's what I've been doing. I've been deciding to wait until May and see if he feels that way about me; if it could work. But I don't want to sit here and pine for someone who could or could not want me, all at his discretion. He could decide in May that he still doesn't know, and then where would I be? Waiting for this man to decide he wants me? Am I going to sit here while he dates other people? I couldn't take that. And that I know, now. I know that I couldn't sit by and watch while he loves someone else. I can't do that to myself.

I believe in soul mates, and I believe he's mine. So will it work out? Someday. It just has to. But what can I do in the meantime? If he's not ready? Well, the best thing to do is protect myself. I can't keep my heart out here on the sleeve where it's getting battered by his on/off attentiveness.

So I need to do it. I need to not type anymore or I'm going to cry, but I need to say it. I need to stop being friends with him until he can give me a yes or no. But that's not fair. How's he supposed to know unless I'm around? But how am I supposed to live like this? I need to know if he's going to pick me. What can I do?

Let it slide

You say forget it, and you mean it. You think it through, rationalize, meditate, investigate, do all those things that make sense. You see it from different angles and perspectives. You see the outsiders viewpoint; you look at what your friends are telling you; you see the community input.

It's over. It's just not worth the struggle. It's fine, you think, you mean it, even. This is for the best. These things just happen like this. Life doesn't care what you think you want. And what is a want, really? Just a need overblown? Or not even a need. Do you really need this? Is this something you can't live without? Is it just a want?

It's ok to want. Wanting makes you human, but is it irrational? You tell yourself so. You think out loud that this is just silly and you're totally over it.

And then you sit down next to him at dinner and he pokes your knee and smiles. You can smell him: the way the soap mixes with his skin, and all you want to do is take in a deep breath. He touches your hand and you don't jump like you do to all other touch. In fact, you want more. He looks at you and you don't want him to look away.

He takes you home. The whole time all you can think of is there must be an excuse to stay longer; to linger a bit more in his presence. Instead, he brings up his ex girlfriend and you cringe inside. It's all a lie. The way he looks at you; can't stop touching you; it's all a lie. He doesn't mean it. Not the way you think, or want, or need. It's just him, being him, and you, being you.

So you go home, alone, and tell yourself it's all over. It doesn't matter anymore. You should just let it go. It's not that important anyway. But you're still breathing in deeply to smell his smell on your scarf and hoping somewhere deep down that he'll turn that car around.