I am a rock, I am an island

Abandoned. Some synonyms are rejected and forsaken. Rejected. It all leads to the irrational fear of abandonment.

"It's a wonder you can even function. I mean, with parents like that, and I love my brother and your mom, don't get me wrong, but they aren't the most stable people. And they left you. To drop you off at school and leave you for three years at your most delicate time. No wonder you can't get close to anyone! No wonder you won't let anyone in."

It's funny when even your aunt thinks your parents sucked. They really tried. They did. They're both good people, but neither of them should have had children. They both would make, and do make, great aunts or uncles, but parents? Not so much. But I love them anyway.

She's right, about the fear of abandonment. It's why I can't let anyone close to me for more than a year. All my relationships last about a year and then I push away. Julie and I were talking about it on Tuesday, and she said, "That would include therapists, too, no?" And I think she's right. I haven't had a therapist for more than a year and a half. I suppose that's my timeline for closeness.

Do I have to let people in? "You know you can call me anytime. I'm going to be there for you. You have to let people in. No one can do it alone." No man is an island, I suppose. I ask for help sometimes, but I just don't trust that others will be there to do it. I am perfectly fine taking care of myself. I always have been. I even got through that last suicidal patch by myself. I don't need anyone else.

But I'm lonely.

From the mouth of auntie

I had a nice dinner with my aunt last night, and we covered a lot of ground. We went over some things that I had just discovered in therapy; or more like just finally want to think about taking on. This is going to be a few blog posts, me thinks.

"What's with this alcohol thing? You're not an alcoholic, you know." She said.

"I'm not? But I was drinking alone, a lot, and blacking out?"

"You were using it as a crutch, and that's bad. You're the kind of person who can have one or two drinks occasionally, especially with your meds. But it doesn't make you an alcoholic."

Words to think about. In fact, I had been. I mean, I drank. A lot. But I gave up easy. And it's been fine. I don't know. I was thinking I'll give it till a year and then try to drink like a normal person again. Perhaps alcohol just isn't done with me.