Dreaming of a girl like you

Woah. I had a dream last night that I went out and did something and then picked up a six pack. I was walking home from somewhere and passed this familiar little kiosk area with an outdoor 7-11-like set up. I grabbed a six pack of beer, I don't know which kind, and put it on the counter. I also bought two packs of cigarettes, and not even my brand. I was paying when I woke up, but I distinctly remember having the conversation with myself: is this what you really want to be doing?

And I asked myself just that. Do you really want this? A beer? I'm not the biggest beer drinker, though I did used to enjoy them time to time, especially with burgers. But I told myself yes, I did want one.

And this was my horoscope for today: For Monday, January 10 -Being a joiner isn't for everyone, but you should consider aligning yourself with a group today. There are many perks you're missing out on, including the fact that seeing a group of diverse people on a regular basis will open your world to all sorts of exciting new stimulation. Seek out groups based around topics or issues you're interested in -- or a pastime you enjoy. Dancing lessons might also be a fun way to learn and exercise while you discover a new passion.

Does that scream get your ass to a meeting or what? I haven't yet, I slept the day away, but the day isn't over. I have to work now, but I get off at 8 and there's an 8:30 not far from here. We'll see if I have any follow through today.

Drip, drip, cough

So not smoking is gross. I have post-nasal drip which is making me hack up all sorts of gross stuff and sound like I'm sick. I know it's just my body detoxifying and cleaning the cilia in my nose, throat, and lungs. I like that the body can clean itself. After 15 years of smoking, I expect this will take a long time. I'm trying to drink water, but it's coming in the form of coffee, as it usually does.

But the drip is making quitting easy. I have no interest in smoking when I'm sick, because I know it just tastes gross and makes the mucus worse. It's nice to have evidence of this from over the years. I always quit when I'm sick, anyway, so it's been fine.

I had a dream about smoking last night, and I was worried when I got up that I actually did it. It's like those booze dreams. I suppose it means I really am an addict. Normal people don't dream about smoking, do they?

Relapse is for the birds

I worry about relapsing all the time. I have those booze dreams, and they make me worried that maybe alcohol isn't done with me yet. Maybe I have to have some bad consequences before I do this. Maybe I need everyone to see just how much of a fuckup I was before I quit. I don't think anyone believes me that I am an alcoholic. I know, that's silly, but I really don't think they do.

So what qualifies me? Well, the blackouts, the drunk driving, drinking alone, bringing home random guys from bars. Right? Or is this just normal in-your-20s behavior? I suppose none of that is good, but I don't know anyone who did any different, besides the blackouts and the drinking alone.

I worry about relapse. I worry that suddenly I'll just say, "You know, it wasn't that bad." That's why I need this blog. I need to remind myself that it's not worth it to drink. If just on the bare bones level of my meds working better now. It's truly amazing how less depressed I am without booze.

Dreaming of Bud

I had a dream last night that was so real. I was with some friends, cleaning up after a party, and talking to one of them. I reached out to clean something up, and the next thing I knew I had taken a swig of a Bud lite. I could taste it. I could feel it in my mouth and actually taste it. Suddenly, I got really worried. I didn't even remember wanting it or reaching for it, or even taking that swig! I wasn't sure if I should just get wasted now that I'd ruined everything, or if I should just freak out and call my sponsor.

The thing is, no one I know drinks Bud lite, nor did I (since high school).

I woke up without the taste in my mouth, and went to a meeting. I've heard people say they have booze dreams, but I'd never had one before. It was just so real.

Emily called today to talk about AA. She was really supportive, and asked if I had a sponsor and all sorts of other questions. She was great. I wasn't sure if she would remind me of her trip through AA and try to discourage me, or not. She didn't even try, she just laughed about her time there and had good questions. I told her about the quitting smoking and cutting thing, and she told me I'm an idiot for not calling her first. Honestly, it never popped into my mind to call someone. I just don't think like that most of the time. It's just not like me to reach out. But I will next time.

We talked about a lot of things, and it was really good to catch up with her. I need to call my friends more often.