Ex-libris

I can't even bear to look at them. I have so many, and they just sit there collecting dust, but my love for them is strong. I love books.

I had a nightmare last night that I gave away a bunch of books to the library, but they just threw them out. It pained me so much to watch the imaginary librarian throw out my beloved novels and works of fiction. I couldn't stand it in my dream, and I don't think I would be much better in person.

There are just so many of them, and thinking about moving them all with me forever just makes me... overwhelmed. I can't imagine it. At this point I have over 20 boxes of books: novels of young women in trouble, non-fiction about mental illness, art books, and 3 boxes of religious texts. All things that I love to read and think about, and even quote from occasionally. I can't just let them go without knowing they would be going to a good home.

So they're all moving to storage. It's becoming a catch-all for things I just don't want to think about anymore. It's all just becoming a hide-away. I know that kind of behavior can't happen. It will become crowded with crap and I'll end up moving in somewhere with a UHaul full of junk. I need to go through the storage already and get rid of some things. Spring is here: time to clean.

It's all clear to me now

It's amazing how clear your head can be when you're not hungover.

I've noticed in the past few days how much better I can think. Not like suddenly I'm a genius or anything, but some how my fog has lifted. I always thought it was just depression, but I think it may have had something to do with the booze....

I also have a shit ton of energy. I've been cleaning house and my backyard like crazy. One night after work, instead of killing a bottle of wine, I killed some bamboo. Well, ok, so I just trimmed it down to a nice column. I also got down on my hands and knees and cut weeds with a trimmer. I don't have a lawn mower or a goat, though my dog does love to eat grass. I also found a dead squirrel among the weeds, but he hadn't been dead long. I suppose if I hadn't gotten off my ass and cleaned, my dog might have found him first and rolled on him. Ugh.

My favorite pass time, reading, has also come back to me. For months I just couldn't read anything. Now I have 5 books open and I'm highlighting good sections. I'm reading a great book called "Care of the Soul," written by a therapist who talks about the different aspects of soul and how to give yours the room to grow and thrive. It's really an interesting take on inner life.

All this energy keeps me busy enough to not notice that I would usually be drinking while doing all these activities.

The thrill is gone, the thrill is gone away.

It's all gone. The drugs, the booze. It all left my house in a box last night.

Even while smoking a half pack a day (only since I quit the booze)I'm training for a marathon in November. I know, that's crazy. And I missed the last two weeks of training cause I was too hungover to run on Tuesdays, Fridays, and Sundays. Luckily those were only 3 mile runs. But then yesterday came the 9 mile run, and I was fresh and ready for it. Also luckily, my respiratory system is in awesome shape, so no wheezing or anything. And so Michael came over and we ran. We ran across the bridge to the ferry, around the bay side and back.

About three miles in I knew it was time. "So, if you haven't guessed, I joined AA." And then an amazing thing happened: he was supportive. I hadn't expected that. See, Michael is my drinking buddy. We usually have 4 bottle Fridays and Saturday cookouts filled with cold, bubbly white wine. We always drink together. And yet, he was supportive of my getting clean. "I never knew you drank so much alone, or blacked out so much."

And then he asked questions. Questions about whether AA blames only character defects or family problems. Whether AA pushed God on you. Whether or not this meant sober for life. And then he did the expected: "Can I have all your booze?" Damn. I knew I needed to get it out of the house, but to someone who will suck down my good wine in 5 minutes and not even taste it? These are $30 and $40 bottles of wine! Damn.

We got back to the house and the clean up began. "What about the drugs?" I'd forgotten about those. I had a serious temptation to just keep those, or take them immediately. They're not MY prescription, but they are prescription meds...

But I didn't. And so out the door went a case of beer, a bottle of vodka, 5 bottles of wine, some Adderall and some Ativan. All gone. My wine rack looks so empty. What in the world will I fill it with? My fridge now is full of diet Coke. And my prescriptions are all ones given to me by my doctor.

So my house is clean, just like me. It's all gone. Now, if I want to relapse, I've gotta go looking for it. And as someone said in a meeting, that gives you a chance to rethink what you're doing and stop. God, please lift this obsession, and quickly.