What to do

Damnit, it's 3:30 in the morning and I'm not going to get any sleep any time soon. And, I have cigarettes, but my insomniac dad is still up reading a book in the living room. No smoking for me. Damn.

I've been talking to Michael all night and the more I think about it the better it seems to go back to school. I mean, I love school. I love learning. I love reading. I love attending lectures. I really do. And I think the topic would hold my interest. Everything will just fall into place. I have to trust that.

Why's it so hard to just let go? Because I don't have the luxury my mom has of being taken care of. I would never just rely on my dad. I've been here 7 months and I feel awful about it. I want to pay rent, or something, but I'm too broke to bring it up. I feel like I have to move out after a year. Anything over a year is just pathetic. Ugh. Just thinking about that is making me sad. 7 months of living at home, basically doing nothing but traveling every now and again and hitting some meetings.

I got rid of my couch and moved everything into cheaper (free) storage at my moms apartment building. I think with the money I'm saving I can move out at the end of the summer. So I'll give myself till September. If I don't have a job by then, I'll get a room with some other folks. Let's go do the budget....

I'm in hell

Well, the floor is halfway done. I spent the day in exile, wandering the streets from post office to Starbucks. I had 2 giant lattes, which was probably a bad idea. But, I can't get into our kit hen, so no diet coke or munchies for me. We're out to lunch and out to dinner. They come back tomorrow, but wont be done till Saturday, probably.

I feel like a displaced person. My dad has no where to go either, but he's got the car. I suppose tomorrow I'll walk up to the shopping mall and buy crap I don't need, just for something to do. There's an Ann Taylor there, which is bad news for my credit card.

Ok, I'm writing this on the iPad where typing sucks and I cant see, so its gonna be short.

Ex-libris

I can't even bear to look at them. I have so many, and they just sit there collecting dust, but my love for them is strong. I love books.

I had a nightmare last night that I gave away a bunch of books to the library, but they just threw them out. It pained me so much to watch the imaginary librarian throw out my beloved novels and works of fiction. I couldn't stand it in my dream, and I don't think I would be much better in person.

There are just so many of them, and thinking about moving them all with me forever just makes me... overwhelmed. I can't imagine it. At this point I have over 20 boxes of books: novels of young women in trouble, non-fiction about mental illness, art books, and 3 boxes of religious texts. All things that I love to read and think about, and even quote from occasionally. I can't just let them go without knowing they would be going to a good home.

So they're all moving to storage. It's becoming a catch-all for things I just don't want to think about anymore. It's all just becoming a hide-away. I know that kind of behavior can't happen. It will become crowded with crap and I'll end up moving in somewhere with a UHaul full of junk. I need to go through the storage already and get rid of some things. Spring is here: time to clean.

1 + 1 does not equal 2

I need to get the hell out of here, so I did a few calculations, and it seems one clear picture came out of it: I'm stuck. I make $800 every 2 weeks. It's minimum $1,000 to rent a studio here. Then I pay $500 to cover my car. So that's $1,500 I'd be spending, and $1,600 I'd be making. It's just not possible. I knew this; It's the reason I moved from the other coast, anyway. I knew I couldn't make it on my own, but I just feel so awful here that I had to try.

I'm thinking of just taking any old job (think retail) just to get by and make a little more money so I can move out. I don't want to be living here after April, and there's no guarantee I'm going to get a full-time gig before then. Maybe I should have taken that other job, boredom or no, but I just can't see hating my next job before I even start it.

But I've got to get out of here....

Disturbing the dust

"Everything has to be up off the floor by Monday. Except the furniture."

One wouldn't think that a huge request, except if you're living out of boxes and living with a hoarder. It's taken 2 weeks and he's finally moved the majority of his collection to storage facilities around the building. But what am I supposed to do with my stuff? I've managed to fit most of it in the closets, but I still have the odds and ends that now can't be tucked away somewhere.

"Bring more of it to your storage facility," he says.

If I were doing it right, I would get rid of some of my shoes and pack the winter stuff up. It's only February, but March is coming fast, and around here the weather can change to spring really quickly. I'm anticipating the change soon, and so I need my wardrobe to reflect that.

But I'm not smart. I'm just shoving it all into boxes without really looking at it. I'm throwing trinkets into boxes knowing I don't really know what the hell to do with them once they come out of boxes - if they ever come out again. I don't want to be hauling this stuff around with me, but I don't have the heart to let it go.

Monday. Crap.

Manic Mondays

Ok, ok, I admit it: I'm a little manic. I think the extra 5mg of Abilify he added to the regular dose pulled me up a bit, though I'm sleepy. I feel great in comparison to last week, and especially the week before. I'm not suicidal, I'm not depressed, I'm just good. Which is nice. My cousin last night said, "I can believe you'd be depressed. Your life sucks ass right now." And she's right! Things are so crappy right now. But I have a plan.

I had a great interview up north, and I'm hoping to get that job. It would be a great career step forward for me. I should hear back about a third interview with them by next week, where I'll go up there and meet face to face. I've also applied for a bunch of other positions.

The plan: if by the end of March I don't have a job I will move to the north and work retail. I'll just get an apartment and a UHaul and go.

That would be 6 months of living here. I think that's enough. I think I've given it the good ol' college try. 6 months is a long time. I'll give somewhere else a year to grow on me, and if I don't have a job in a year, then I'll have to reconsider my career path. I like this plan. I think it has merit.

Carry me home

I think I've made my decision: I'm moving.

I can hear them now: you're pulling a "geographic," you can't run from your troubles, blah, blah, blah. And I hear that. I know. I'm not running from anything. I'm just not happy here, and I know that all the old things that are here are just going to haunt me if I stay. It's not a matter of the grass is greener, it's a matter of living where you're not haunted.

It's so sad here. There are so many roads and houses and bars and neighborhoods that just leave a bad taste in my mouth. So many places that remind me of suicide attempts, or low self-esteem, or problems. I don't want to have to look at these things daily. And I don't want to have to carve out a new nitch in an old town. I want to start fresh, new, clean.

First things first, I've got to go through my storage and let go of some things. I know I should get rid of my dresser, because it's 300 pounds of solid wood number one, and because it's huge. I think where I'm moving to I'll only be able to afford a studio apartment. That means all those books have to go. Perhaps I'll just donate them all to the library. 9 boxes of books....

Or, maybe I'll just move it all (minus the books) and see what furniture fits and what doesn't. I think if a studio is the size of my old bedroom then I could fit the dresser and the couch, if a tight fit. I love redecorating.

Bullseyes are hard to get

I need a map and a dart. What I've been doing is just applying to everything in three cities north of here, but I think I should maybe move up there. If I live with others, my unemployment will cover housing. I really should just sell my car, but I'm not ready for that, yet. I'll have to think about it more. I mean, it took me 3 months to find that car just the color and specs I wanted it, and I've already thrown so much money at it. And I love driving. Anne, you can always buy a new car. And it's time to get rid of my couch, too. I love it, everyone else hates it, and with roommates I won't be able to keep it anyway.

I'm almost done with my taxes, and my return should be huge because of the unemployment. Hooray! Finally, some good news about unemployment. I can use that to rent a truck and put a deposit down someplace. I just have to pick the city and stick with it, even if it takes a while to find the right job. Am I ready for that, or do I want to stay in the cheap, comfort of home.

I have to get out of here. It's driving me crazy living at home. I would much rather take some awful part-time gig and live on my own than continue to live at home. It's crowded with stuff, none of it's mine, I'm sleeping on a twin bed, and I feel like I'm under a microscope (even though I know I'm not). Ugh! This period in my life has become uncomfortable. I suppose I should stay, if only because I have a great doctor who will give me free medication. I still haven't sent back the meds that came in the mail (did I tell you they came? Finally.), and I might just pull the Abilify out of there and then send the rest back.

So much to decide. I need a dart. Or Rochambeau.

Life stages

Where do you go when you don't know what you want or what direction you're headed in?

After 4 or so months of being home I'm realizing a few things: I did miss the snow; I've got to live on my own again soon; and I moved away from home for a reason. I picked up and moved across the country for a few good reasons: my mom makes me insane; there are. Lot of bad memories here; Adam. I love him, I do, but... I don't know. Its like having a controlling older brother. He just makes me want to rebel.

There's a job here that I think they're going to offer me, and I think I'm going to turn them down. All I want is to be working, but there's a few things here (it's the day of semi-colons!): my mentor thinks I would be bored at this job; I think I wouldn't want to stay in it more than 2 years, and part of my career hopes are to stay in a job longer than that; and it's the part of my field I find too easy to occupy myself. I do get bored doing that kind of work after a while, and it's not as creative a job as I hoped. I think it would be a great job, and I could be happy until I got bored, and my resume shows that only takes about a year.

So I don't know. It seems like I'm pointed north for a few years. I would love to try out a new city; someplace to call my own. I do need to acknowledge a few more things with semi-colons: I'm in a really transitional place in my life right now and I don't know what I'm doing; and I think I'm a bit manic. Thank you Abilify! It makes me feel so much better. But usually I get the urge to move and cut my hair when I get manic, and all weekend I've been thinking about chopping off my hair again. Pixie cut = mania; always. One time in college I pretty much shaved my head. Boy, was I high! I had a great time that summer.

Everything is so up in the air. I wish I knew what was going to happen, but I think I'm just going to have to wing it.

Hiring time

I've had two more interviews in the past 24 hours, which I think brings me up to 17 or 18 interviews in the 4 months I've been unemployed. That has to be some kind of record. I mean, really, that many interviews and no offers whatsoever? Perhaps my interview skills are crappy. I thought they were pretty good. Maybe I need to come up with better questions to ask people.

One of the interviews was a second interview with a place up north. It's a premier organization, and I would really like to work for them. About moving: I thought about it, and I would love to move again. I really don't have much here but family and Adam, and I ignore most of my family because they drive me nuts. The longer I'm here the more I remember why I moved 3,000 miles away in the first place.

My head goes buzza buzza

My therapist calls it "limbo." It's that state I'm in right now where nothing is certain; where I don't really have anything, per se, I'm just holding. My life is all up in the air.

And it's true in all corners of my life. The unemployment for one. I can't really seem to find a job I want that wants me, too. I would like a nice career, but I suppose I just need someone to give me an offer before I can start being picky. And this all prevents me from settling down. Even if I'm going to stay in this area, it's got a lot of suburbs to the city, and I wouldn't know where I would be settling down. What state would I even register my car in? It's all up for grabs.

I can't really settle here, anyway, because now I'm looking all over the place for jobs. Who knows what city, what state I'll end up in. So I can't do things like get a regular hair cut person, or find an AA home group. I mean, I can do all these things, and I have, but I know they are just temporary, so I'm not holding on to them or investing much in them. It's all limbo.

And there's so much uncertainty to that. Will I be here 6 months from now still wondering why I don't have a job, and desperate enough to take any old thing that comes along? Will I be living up north? Will I be with Adam (since I'll have a year by then, and he'll have no excuse)? What does my life hold? I suppose these are the things that keep me up at night.

Come with me

I can't sleep. It's 4am and I'm just lying here, thinking about Adam. Damn him. He was talking about maybe going back into the service (he got out about 6 years ago) to become a doctor. I think he would be wonderful at it, and it would be a great career decision for him. But I would miss him. I don't know where they train doctors, but I'm sure it's like Germany or something. And then he'd owe another 8 years after training to the service. And I'm sure he'd end up in Afghanistan or North Korea (cause I'm sure they'll be a war there by then).

And I would miss him. I would want him to be safe, too, and I would worry about him all the time. I was just lying here thinking: what would he do with all his stuff? Well, maybe if I got a 2 bedroom (assuming I get the small town job, cause then I could afford it), and gave him a bedroom to put all his stuff in. I would start his car once a week to make sure it stayed ok, and keep his clothes and the dressers that I'm sure he'll never get rid of (though I hate them).

It's hard to be in love with someone and have them return it, but not take the reins and just be with you. He makes me crazy.

He missed me

Last night Adam called and said he was a block away. "I miss you. I want a hug." Alright, I said. Come on over.

I haven't seen him in about 3 weeks. I was up north for Thanksgiving, and then cross-country last week. The week in between was just crazy busy. He asked if I was passively pulling away from him, and I kind of was after the conversation we had about me loving him for the past 6 years, and after my therapist said I just needed to let go. I think I've let go. I've decided that if it happens, it happens, but if not, I need to be ok with that. I've expanded my search for a job to places that would be far from him, keeping us apart again.

It's sad, because we really love each other. He couldn't stop holding me last night, and kept kissing my forehead, or kissed my neck once. He was just getting super close to me. We even lay on my bed for a minute and cuddled. Oh, I'm so stupid. I was pulling back just fine, and then I see him and all I want to do again is be with him.

"Whatever this is, and I love you, whatever this is between us, I don't want to put all my eggs in someone else's basket. I want to be whole, first," he said. I understand. It's like they always say, you've got to love yourself before you love anyone else. But I think he's missing an opportunity. I think he's missing out on me, and perhaps he'll miss out on someone else by focusing too much on fixing everything. No one is whole - we all have pieces missing, I think.

I wonder if he would follow me this time. He's looking for new positions in his field, and I wonder if he would look for something with me. If we moved up north we could find a house really easily. We could try living together and see if we would kill each other, which I doubt. I wonder.

I love my horoscope

I like this one:

"For Sunday, December 12 -If you sense something new coming today, you are correct -- right around the corner there is an opportunity coming that will challenge and excite you. Your instincts, as usual, are totally on target. This is just one more confirmation that you are taking the right path."

Oh! Something awesome this way comes, so says the horoscope. The more I'm looking at moving into the City, the more it looks pretty cool. I wouldn't mind another big city. I really like them, and this one also has great public transportation. I wouldn't mind selling my car and avoiding $400 a month in car and insurance fees. That's money towards a nicer apartment! Plus, my mom has officially dog-napped my dog, so I don't have those bills anymore. It's sad, because I do love the little bugger, but it does make life easier. I don't have to worry about him being home alone, because she's retired, and that makes me happy. He's loving life.

So I have this interview tomorrow. It's a big organization, so I'm hoping the pay scale is large, too. I don't know what I would ask for, because I'm not sure what the scale looks like there. I need to do a little research, first.

Would you move for a job?

Speaking of jobs, I went to a great session at the conference on job hunting. A friend and colleague of mine was teaching it, and she said something important that really stuck. When she was looking for a job she was living in Florida, and was really just looking in that area. And then someone offered her an interview in NYC. "NYC?" she said, "I don't want to live there!"

But you never pass up an interview. Every single one is a chance to network and hone your skills. Even if you pull out of the interview process, that person is bound to know someone else who is hiring. It's all about the connections you make. So she went. And then she discovered something... she liked NYC. And she got the position. So she moved.

"Don't limit yourself geographically."

And so I'm not. I'm looking all over the coast, even all over the States. At this point I just want a job where I can make a home for myself and maybe build my career instead of just having jobs I hate. It wouldn't really matter where that was, I suppose. I think I was just trying to move home in order to make a change. I love change. But I realize now that I can still be close to home without being geographically close. Sure, it's expensive to fly cross-country, but if that's the price of happiness, then so be it.

His time, not mine

"The fact is, Jesus did command the ten lepers, 'Go show yourselves to the priests.' Why are the nice who did so criticized, while the one who seemingly disobeyed, by returning, is praised? One possibility is that the nine were all too ready to accept what Jesus, knowing their weakness, offered them" their old lives back. That's why they were sent to the priests: the priests would certify the cure, and then they could return home and have their old lives back. How often do we desire much the same when we are confronted by traumatic events, by sudden reversals of fortune, bu illness or advancing years? We want our old life back. Here is where we can learn from the Samaritan, from the one healed leper who returned and perceived that with Jesus, something more and something better was on offer than simply having his old life back. Who perceived that his old life was not intended, had never been intended, to b his final destination. Another adventure, a life of discipleship, beckoned.

How do I, as a Christian, respond to misfortune? By demanding to rewrite the script, or by looking to do God's will?" (Lect. 144 - Year C)

Wow. This really spoke to me. It was the reading at mass yesterday. The lepers said, by not returning to thank Jesus for removing their afflictions, "All I wanted was my old life back." But the Samaritan said, thank you, and can I do your will?

Sometimes I want my old life back. I want my car, my dog, my place, my friends. Everything has changed. I had a stable life, and I want that back. But that's not God's plan for me. God's plan is to teach me patience. The rest of it, I haven't quite figured out yet, but I know that His plan isn't necessarily MY plan. I have to learn what God's will for me is, and follow it with faith that everything will work out the way it's supposed to, and all in good time.

"Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but they will always materialize if we work for them."

Well, this is it

My house is all in the truck, just barely. I should have gotten a bigger truck! It's going to be hell getting it all out again. Michael is really strong, and I don't know who's helping me on the other side besides Daniel and Adam. I think they can manage the furniture between the two of them, but it would be nice to have more people.

I can't believe I'm leaving. It just hit me, and I'm starting to freak out a little bit. My life is so going to change. I'm going to miss all my friends so much.

Everything is topsy turvy. I have a giant tattoo of Alice through the looking glass on my back, because her story is so like mine. They just got closer.

Sobriety and moving

What's kind of funny is through all of this, this change and stress and nervousness, I haven't wanted a drink. I did have a booze dream the other night, but I woke up in a panic until I realized it was a dream. I don't want to drink anymore. Just like I'm done with this place, I'm done with that part of my life. My life is different now, and better. I don't have to take to alcohol whenever something doesn't go my way. I can just be.

I have been chain smoking, though. That's just boredom. I don't know what to do with myself, so I smoke. I used to drink like that. I know the next addiction I need to kick is cigarettes, and I think it will be easier while living with my dad. See, he's retired and "doesn't know" I smoke, which means no smoking while I'm at home. It's not like I can just step outside and sneak a smoke. He lives on the damn 6th floor. I'd have to have a good excuse. And I'm sure I'll make them up. "Going to the store" or "getting the mail." To which he'll probably reply, "Oh, I'll come with you." He likes to hang out with me. So smoking will be hard. Which is a good thing. Maybe I'll get down to one or two a day and then just not buy another pack.

Adam has already said he knows some good sober ladies I can hook up with when I get there, so that will help integrate me into the AA fellowship in my new town. AA is a nice way to meet folks, and I'll get to figure out where all the churches are, at least. I'm sure I'll remember eventually. So AA will come soon enough. In the meantime, I think I'm going to be just fine on that front.

I want, I want

I have to move tomorrow. What the hell am I still doing up? Why can't I sleep? Oh yeah, cause I'm making the biggest change one can make besides getting married or having a baby. I'm moving across the country and leaving everything I know for a place I think I know.

This is big. Maybe I'll stop in Albuquerque and just drop off the map? Maybe make New Mexico my home and become a hermit. Then I won't need an income. Right. I have always wanted to live in New Mexico, but I'm just fine with visiting.

I've also always wanted to live in Boston. Maybe I'll go stay with my uncle for a month and see how it is. Or maybe I'll just visit there, too.

I really want to be home home. I don't want to leave it again permanently. I want to stick around and make it my home again. I want to find a nice place to buy with a yard and three bedrooms. Somewhere safe and yet close to transportation. Somewhere with a chimney and brick facade. A place with bright sun streaming in the windows where I can put my plants. I know just the place and just the neighborhood. Of course, it's gentrified more now than when I left, so I might have to buy someplace I can afford, first. But we're dreaming, here.

I want to find a nice guy who is smart and funny and "settle down." Deep down, I'm pretty old-fashioned. I want a 60th wedding anniversary party. I want to find someone I can really share everything with, and have a couple of kids. One to three. I'm an only child, and I hated it, so maybe two is good.

I want to find a profession I enjoy and am good at, with a nice pensioners fund. Good luck, right? Well, there's always the government.

I want all these simple things, and I want them to happen at home. So I'm going there to find myself, just like I came here to do the same.

And I did. I found boundaries. I found out who I was when my family wasn't around. I learned to love myself and even like myself, too. I found out a lot about who I am and how I work, and now I can take that knowledge home with me.

So here's hoping.

Bring it all!

What can I get rid of? Do I need all this furniture?

Let's see. My couch and chair. They are kind of hideous, and the couch is not comfortable. But I love them. They're old, forties style construction in a gross, shiny yellow-green color. Hard to describe, really. The cushions need restuffing, badly. But they make me happy. Stay.

Screen. Stays.

Bookshelf. Stays. It's from World Market, and I love them. I wish I had 3.

Trunks. Stay. One is from when I drove a friend cross-country for her move. We stopped at every little antique shop along the way because she's a collector. We added some stuff to her already full Penske, and I got a beautiful old steamer trunk in Missouri. It was $45 and perfect. I refinished it, and added Mexican tiles to the top. The other one came from the side of the road in the city. When I first moved here and lived in the city, I came down a hill one day and saw this big, beautiful steamer trunk on out in front of my neighbor's house with a free sign on it. It was in disrepair and smelled (still does) of mothballs. I took it home and spent a long weekend completely refinishing it. I love them both. Stay.

Bed. Hm. I could get rid of the bed. You can always get a new bed. Let's think about this one a little.

Dresser. Another freebie, but it's made of solid wood, and you just don't find that nowadays.

I'm a pack rat.