Om

Meditation is said to be good for your brain. "The researchers report that those who meditated for about 30 minutes a day for eight weeks had measurable changes in gray-matter density in parts of the brain associated with memory, sense of self, empathy and stress."

Part of AA's suggestions are that you pray and meditate. It's tough, at first, to quiet your brain down, but you're not looking for a perfectly silent brain. In meditation, it's all about sitting quietly and noticing what your body is doing. Concentrating on the breathe, breathing in and out slowly.

There are a ton of guided meditation links and podcasts out there. Some are as simple as listening to rain drops fall or ocean waves. Others are people discussing aspects of life and asking you to relax as you follow along. One of the people I like for meditating is Tara Brach for meditating. She's funny, and tells some good stories. I also like listening to American Indian drums. I haven't found a good website yet, but there are some podcasts out there.

Meditation is a great way to just calm down when you're too far up. Of course, that's the hardest thing to do when you're agitated; stop and be calm. I know I have tons of trouble just getting myself to sit still sometimes. But you can do it. It's good to develop a practice, even if it's just 5 minutes in your car listening to your breathing before you get out and go to work. Or standing in line somewhere, just breath slowly and clean your mind. Meditating doesn't mean you have to have candles lit and a comfortable mat to lie on, though that helps.

Listen, Tara

Wow, two meetings in one day? What the hell kinda day is this?

Adam and Ed and I went to a meeting tonight that wasn't AA, it was a meditation meeting. The woman did a little kind of guided meditation and then gave a little talk on a topic. Tonight she talked about "trance," or the way we split off from ourselves. She talked about an old Buddhist story of a girl who was in love with a young man, and then when told she couldn't be with him she cleaved in to two: one who went after him and lived with him away from her family and lonely for them, and the other who stayed with her family alone from him and depressed. Eventually the two parts reconnect and she becomes whole again.

The leader talked about how when facing scary things or happy things, or anything, really, we tend to get into trance-like states. We focus wholly on one thing and leave the others out. It was a really interesting thing to spend 2 hours just pondering. And I got a lot out of it. I can't tell you why, but it just helped me learn two things: there's no rush, and it's no reflection on me.

Oh course, I'm talking about Adam. He was sitting right next to me as she was telling the story of this girl whose love for another cleaved her in two, and all I could think was, yeah, I get a little "tranced" thinking about this whole thing. But it hit me: just because he doesn't know how he feels right now doesn't mean it's all a wash. He doesn't have to know, and I don't have to know, either, because the end of the world isn't imminent (for all we know). For all we know, we both have time to see what this is and where it goes. It could stay just where it is, and that would have to be fine.

And that was my other thing: it's fine. It's not a reflection on me. He's dealing with his own stuff, and just because he doesn't want me sexually doesn't mean I'm unlovable. He loves me; he tells me so. That's enough. I need to accept that he means it, and not think that because he's not showing it physically that he doesn't mean it. Physical love isn't all there is to it.

So let go, right? This friendship is good. I need to be good in what is, and not think that I'm unlovable because it's not what it used to be. Things change.

Apparently it's meditation day

Over at Mr. Sponsor Pants he's talking about meditation, too. This morning must be meditation morning. Here's a great video about meditating at your desk.

Yoga is another great way to meditate. I always feel better after a yoga session, when we're lying on the floor in prone position just relaxing. I wait for the chime, which I love, and just breath into myself. I still have trouble just not thinking, but I know you can breath into the thought and then let it go. Guided meditation is another great thing for me. I took a class in college where we spent some time doing guided meditation. I was able to get deep into myself and make a spiritual quest of sorts. I was also able to talk briefly with my spirit animals (a bear and a lizard woman), which my professor said was indicative of two shaman watching over me, which is rare. Here are some guided mediation links.

Listen to the silence

A great insight this morning from Moving Beyond Addiction:

"Are you afraid of what you will hear in that stillness? Don't be. Some of our truths are ugly, but that's never the whole truth. All of us have an innate wisdom--somehow, somewhere, we know what is really going on with us and we know what to do about it. That's why I say in the exercises in The Law of Sobriety that you can breathe in the questions and breathe out the answers. In some part of you, you already know the answers. I am discovering that even if I don't find the answers right away, they will show up when they are ready to un-fold. I can't push the answers, but rather allow them to flow effortlessly without pushing them too soon."

Sometimes it's best to just sit in your thoughts and let them in and out through breath. That's a good reason why prayer and meditation are so heavily relied on in AA. In order to hear your HP's voice you've got to quiet down your own voice. Don't be afraid of the silence you may hear.

I have a serious problem quieting my mind. There's so much going on up there, especially now. It's hard for me to sit in meditation, but my therapist says it gets better the more you practice it. Sometimes practice and repetition lead to habit, and habit makes everything easier. Apparently it works in monkeys, too.

Sweet hot showers

There's nothing like a hot shower to cure everything. When I stand under the hot water, or sit on the floor of the shower, the world is better. I've always used the shower as a sort of meditation place. I can be calm there. If only I could stay there longer, but I end up feeling guilty for using so much water when my state is in a drought.

I feel better now. Still no call back from the therapist, but she probably has clients all night. Most people go after work, after all. I think I'm going to try and sit here and remain peaceful. Just pet the dog and not think. Then maybe I'll put on my iPod and hit the sack. I know it's early, but sometimes sleep is all that helps.